Announcer: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Hunt for The Gift, our annual competition extravaganza to determine who can track down and seize that special gift for that special someone, and who’s going to be told to just buzz off! It’s certainly exciting to watch it, if not necessarily to live it…. So let the madness begin!
Shopper 1: (At a customer service desk) Hi, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?
Retailer 1: AHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, you’re serious.
Shopper 1: Is that a “Yes”?
Retailer 1: We sold out in July.
Shopper 1: So is that a “No”?
Announcer: Let’s check our next contestant, shall we?
Shopper 2: (At a customer service desk) Hi, this is store #20 for me, today alone – I’ve been on The Hunt for the past month-and-a-half. Do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?
Retailer 2: Stop wasting my time – next!
Shopper 2: Gotcha. On to store #21!
Announcer: Back to our other contestant!
Shopper 1: (At another store) The Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?
Retailer 3: We never even received a shipment for it to begin with.
Shopper 1: Never?
Retailer 3: Not once. Our customers hate us this year.
Shopper 1: I’ll say.
Announcer: And the other contestant!
Shopper 2: (On the telephone) Hello, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money that I can reserve for pick-up today, please?
Retailer 4: Ah yes, we decided that in order for this particular product to remain intact and unsold to other customers currently in the store, we’re requiring that the requester put down one part of their soul at the time of the reservation. Nonrefundable.
Shopper 2: You want part of my soul just to make the reservation?!
Retailer 4: Yes.
Shopper 2: …Which part?
Announcer: And our other contestant!
Shopper 1: (At another customer service desk) Hi! Borderline violent shopper here: do you have the Gotta-Have-It –
Retailer 5: Get out.
Announcer: And our other contestant!
Shopper 2: (At home) Huh? Oh, I finally just told that special someone they’re getting an IOU while it’s being shipped in from the North Pole, and I’m gifting packages of candy to comfort them in the meantime. I’m now spending the remaining two frantic days of the shopping season on my couch wrapped up in a snug blanket with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, instead of spending that time endlessly struggling amongst the innumerable hordes.
Announcer: Yeah, thanks for playing. (Cuts off Shopper 2’s video feed) Well folks, there you have it! In The Hunt for The Gift, pretty much everyone loses! But isn’t that what this season’s all about?! Happy Holidays to all – I’m going home now to sleep off my exhaustion.
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