(In an operating room, Patient is wheeled in on a stretcher as the team prepares for surgery)
Surgeon: (Beams broadly at Patient through a surgical mask) Hi there! How are you feeling before The Big Event?
Patient: (As the anesthesia begins to take effect) Well Doc, I was a little anxious before, but now I feel extreeeeemely grooooovy….
Surgeon: (Briefly tests a surgical saw) Perfect. Now, you know I’ve done literally thousands of these and hope to do millions more before I’m eventually forced to retire, so rest – (Winks exaggeratedly) assured I could do this procedure blindfolded if I didn’t mind getting sued. So, we’re going to do a few final checks here and then start slicing you up; please feel free to go ahead and lose consciousness any time now.
Patient: (Eyes drift closed) Riiiiiight… ooooonnnnn….
Surgeon: (To Anesthesiologist who is monitoring Patient) Out?
Anesthesiologist: (Checks Patient’s vital signs) Out.
Surgeon: Good. (To the O.R. Team) All right, folks, let’s get a move on – I’ve got 10 more of these to get through before office hours today, so make it snappy!
ONE HOUR LATER
(Patient dreams of riding a rickety roller coaster that continuously ascends)
Patient: (In dream, has arms raised waiting for the first drop that never arrives) WHEEEEEEE – ! (The roller coaster dissolves as Patient slowly awakens, extremely groggy) – eeeeeee….
Surgeon: (Leans over Patient, no longer wearing the surgical mask but still beaming broadly) Hi there! How are you feeling?
Patient: …weird….
Surgeon: (Chuckles) Yes, that’s to be expected. So! How to phrase this: while you were blissfully occupied in dreamland, we’ve had a bit of an unforeseen turn of events here in the waking world.
Patient: …oh...?
Surgeon: (Still beaming broadly) Yes, I had made several incisions and we were just getting into the heart of things, so to speak, when out of nowhere, we apparently had a bit of an earthquake.
Patient: …a bit…?
Anesthesiologist: (Leans in) Measured 6.5 on the Richter scale.
Surgeon: (Smile never falters; to Anesthesiologist) Yes, thank you for the report! (One-handedly pushes away Anesthesiologist; to Patient) As you can see, nothing to worry about, everyone’s fine, but in an overabundance of caution we had to have a bit of an evacuation.
Patient: A bit??!! (Sits up slightly on the stretcher and sees that the O.R. has relocated to the hospital’s parking lot)
Surgeon: (Gently pushes Patient back down) Yes, everything is completely under control: once the tremors stopped, we sewed you up – somewhat – and wheeled you right on outta there!
Patient: Oh. OK. Guess we have to reschedule then, huh?
Surgeon: Well….
Patient: Well…?
Surgeon: The thing is – due to the overabundance of caution, mind you –
Anesthesiologist: (Leans in again) Everything was falling everywhere.
Surgeon: (Pushes Anesthesiologist away again) – we had to evacuate just when I was about to implant your brand-spanking-new knee, and there wasn’t enough time for me to sew up every single thing before we had to wheel you right on outta there, so things are in a bit of a… precarious state, if you will, and if I don’t get back in and finish what I started soon there is a slight-to-probable chance that you will bleed out.
Patient: WHAT?!
Surgeon: (Holds up a finger) But! Not to worry, since all we have to do is pick up right where we left off just as soon as you sign these forms stating that you consent to the change in venue and the new, less-than-sterile conditions. (Holds out a pen and a clipboard with handwritten forms attached)
Patient: (Frantically signs, dates, and times the forms) Fine, yes, do whatever you have to do, just hurry up and finish, please!
Surgeon: (Tosses the clipboard and pen onto a nearby car) That’s great – now, we’re going to send you right on back to dreamland soon, and this’ll all be over before you know it!
Anesthesiologist: (Leans in toward Surgeon) We can’t administer anesthesia right now – we left all the equipment to monitor vitals back in the O.R.
Surgeon: (Smile freezes) Blast. (To Patient after a few moments) So! How would you say your pain tolerance is?
Patient: Uh… I like to think it’s pretty high….
Surgeon: (Puts on a surgical mask, wipes hands and forearms thoroughly with sterile alcohol pads, and puts on gloves) Perfect! So: we’re going to do a bit of a real-world academic exercise now. Normally, we ask patients after the fact to rate their pain on a scale of 1 to 10, but in these special circumstances I want you to tell me whenever I ask whether any possible pain you feel is 1 – bearable while biting down on this mouth guard – (Inserts it into Patient’s mouth) or 2 – so excruciating that you’re probably going to lose consciousness and return to dreamland all on your own. Sound like a plan?
Patient: (Through the mouth guard) Uhhhh….
Surgeon: Perfect! Oh, one more thing – (To Anesthesiologist) Could you add the phrase “Without anesthesia” to the bottom of the form and have our patient initial the addendum, please?
Anesthesiologist: Sure. (Updates the form and holds it out for Patient to sign)
Patient: (Signs; speaking through the mouth guard) Is this going to take much longer, then?
Surgeon: (Laughs maniacally while raising a scalpel) Not if I have anything to say about it!
HOURS LATER
(Patient wakes up in a hospital room and sees Surgeon and Nurse standing nearby)
Surgeon: (No longer wearing a surgical mask) Hi there! How are you feeling?
Patient: …Not too great, to be honest.
Surgeon: Great! You unfortunately did lose consciousness during the surgery without telling me first like we’d agreed, but I was almost done at that point so no hard feelings. (Hands a packet to Patient, who groggily takes it) We woke you up now so I could give you your homework: these are all the meds you’ll need to take 15 times a day for the next month, and all the exercises you’ll need to do with you brand-spanking-new knee every hour on the hour, even while you’re sleeping. Got all that?
Patient: (Loopily stares at the huge pile of papers, then back at Surgeon) …Huh?
Surgeon: Great! Gotta run – that earthquake set me back about two months on my appointments, so you can just imagine the happiness my life is right now! (Dashes out the door)
Patient: (To Nurse) Is everything all right, or should I be worried?
Nurse: (Working on Patient’s IV) Everything’s fine for the most part, but with the earthquake inserting itself into the schedule we’re all set back today. Physical Therapy will be here eventually to get you up and moving so you can get on outta here, but with all the delays they won’t have you running the half-marathon or doing the high jump until at least tomorrow, and that’s being optimistic.
Patient: …I’ll manage.
