(In a hospital procedural suite, Patient lies propped up in a stretcher while wearing a hospital gown, non-slip socks, and a ready-to-go IV port in one arm, and glares at a clock on the wall while tapping fingers on a side railing when Doctor 1 suddenly zips around the corner)
Doctor 1: (Carrying a tablet) Heyyyyyyy – sorry I’m running a little late this morning –office called me with a last-minute appointment that I had work into today’s schedule over the phone – everyone wants everything – you know how it is…. (Starts typing on the tablet)
Patient: (Stops tapping and stares at Doctor 1) You didn’t get up extra early and wound up stuck in the snow and ice like the rest of us this morning – you don’t have to lie to me.
Doctor 1: Heh-heh-heh. (In a low voice without looking up) Appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to anyone else. (Hands over the tablet) Sign at the bottom, please.
Patient: (Speed reads the digital forms) What is this now? I thought I already signed everything on the portal?
Doctor 1: Almost: it’s a procedural consent.
Patient: (Looks up at Doctor 1) I signed 15 of those yesterday.
Doctor 1: Not this one.
Patient: (Sighs and signs with an index finger) I would say that my presence here, inadequately clothed at a pre-dawn hour, would have made it abundantly clear that I consent to this procedure, but I know how these things go. (Hands back the tablet) Here. Can we get this necessary invasion of my body orifice over with now, please?
Doctor 1: (Types on the tablet) Almost…. You finished the prep last night and are all clear now, correct?
Patient: Oh, I’d better be – that’s an experience I’ll never forget, or forgive. The scope you’re using had better show that I’m all clear at this point, for I have nothing left to give. (Shudders at the memory)
Doctor 1: (Still reading through forms on the tablet) Uh-huh, uh-huh. (Furrows a brow, then looks at Patient) Has the anesthesiologist been by yet?
Patient: No, just everyone else who works here, and you. Why?
Doctor 1: Need to sign a consent for that, too.
Patient: (Momentarily lets head fall back onto the pillow dramatically) Argh, just digitally rubber-stamp my signature on whatever forms that say you all can do whatever needs to be done to my helpless body, and let’s get on with it! I have places to go, food to eat, and naps to take!
Nurse: (Maneuvers between Doctor 1 and the stretcher to check the IV port on Patient’s arm) Anesthesiologist called earlier and is on the way; got stuck with an emergency in the O.R.
Patient: HA! That would be last shift’s problem – bet it was snow and ice again. I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t see why everyone else is.
(Doctor 2 suddenly zips around the corner while peering closely at a tablet, stops, and looks up at Patient; both freeze on seeing each other)
Doctor 2: You?!
Patient: You!?
Doctor 1: (Points back-and-forth at both) You… two know each other?
Patient: You can say that again! (Gestures at Doctor 2) I’ve been that one’s accountant for ages!
Doctor 2: Ex-accountant! I fired you years ago!
Patient: And you still never sent anything in writing about it, so our financial divorce was never official!
Doctor 2: Is that why your name is still all over my paperwork?
Patient: Oh yeah! And you owe me years of fees, years!
Doctor 2: Nothing doing! You lost me money every tax season, and I got audited five times!
Patient: What do you expect when your records are a disaster?! For the longest time I thought you were trying to pull a fast one, but I finally realized that you’re just a mess, an absolute mess!
Doctor 2: Well, maybe it all wouldn’t have been such a mess if I’d had an advisor who knew what they were doing!
Patient: (On an intake of breath) How dare you!
Doctor 2: (Suddenly turns to Doctor 1) Doctor, I would like to recuse myself from this procedure today, please.
Patient: Yes, please! I can’t believe I completely forgot after all these years that you claimed to work here!
Doctor 2: I do work here!
Patient: …That goes without saying! (To Doctor 1) So, I want a new anesthesiologist, ASAP!
Doctor 1: What – no – we can’t, this is the only anesthesiologist working up here today, and I’m already behind schedule!
Patient: Just grab the other anesthesiologist hovering somewhere else in the building, then – I’ll wait.
Doctor 2: Other one’s in the middle of a bilateral knee replacement in the O.R., and that’ll take hours.
Patient: HA! No wait, I believe that one.
Doctor 1: Well, I can’t wait until that’s all done down there: I’ve got 23 other procedures up here today, and then I’ve gotta get back to the office to see patients there until who-knows-when tonight! It never stops and I never get any rest!
Doctor 2: Don’t talk to me about never getting any rest: my shifts start before the Sun rises and supposedly end in the afternoon, but with all the paperwork and the emergencies and the last-minute add-on cases I’m lucky I get out of here before meeting myself the next day!
Patient: Excuse me! (Everyone turns to Patient) I scheduled this in the middle of tax season because I was told – (Glares at Doctor 1) that it was so important and had to be done, but at this time of year I’m working with and without the Sun for months on end so don’t come crying to me!
Doctor 1: We don’t have a season! Healthcare is 24/7!
Patient: Sounds like a “you” problem! I still want a replacement for this deadbeat putting me in a temporary coma!
Doctor 2: If I’m a deadbeat, then where’d all my income go, hm?!
Patient: I don’t know, check wherever you bury all your other worldly goods!
Doctor 2: Swindler!
Patient: Quack!
Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Nurse: <Gasp!>
Patient: (Calmer) I apologize: I didn’t mean to insult you fine clinicians or the healthcare profession as a whole.
Doctor 1: (Rubbing temples; to Patient) Regardless, if we don’t start the procedure within the next… (Checks the wall clock) three minutes, we’ll have to reschedule.
Patient: (Nods) For later today.
Doctor 1: No, for another day.
Patient: (Hisses) I am not going through that prep more than once a decade, do-you-hear-me?!
Doctor 1: Well, it’ll be once every five years with your family history – (Patient’s eyes widen and mouth drops open) but if you don’t want to repeat it this year, then we’ve all gotta go now!
(Patient glares at Doctor 1, then at Doctor 2 who shakes head in disgust at Patient, then at Nurse who is quietly seething)
Next Patient: (Sharply draws back the curtains separating the two stretchers and addresses Patient) If you’re not going, does that mean I can go now?! I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I’m starving!
Patient: We’re all starving – deal with it! (Yanks the curtain back closed, stares at the others for several moments, then holds out a hand for Doctor 2’s tablet; the latter quickly gives it to Patient who signs without reading it and mumbles) I don’t believe it – for once I get to be the client, and I still have no rights, no rights whatsoever!
Nurse: You have the right to privacy.
Patient: (Hands back the tablet to Doctor 2) Not once I’m in that procedure room, I won’t!
Doctor 1: (While grabbing one side of the stretcher railings as Nurse grabs the other; they release the brake and race Patient to the procedure room) All-right-thank-you-let’s-go-let’s-go-let’s-go!
Patient: (Points wildly to Doctor 2 while being rushed through the corridor; the latter jogs after the stretcher to keep up) Just remember: if you try anything funny in there, I’ll be surrounded by a room full of witnesses!
Doctor 2: (As Patient’s stretcher is parked in the procedure room and everyone scrambles to get things ready, plants leads on Patient’s chest and puts nasal cannula around Patient’s head and up the nose, starting oxygen flow) Are you kidding?! I could do everything right and still get sued, reported to every State and Federal organization out there, and have to relive it every time I apply for a new position or need new malpractice insurance – could you imagine how much more of a nightmare it’d be if I actually did mess up?! On purpose??!!
Patient: I wouldn’t put it past you! You never gave me the information I needed to fill out Form 706 that one year, and then complained when you got notices yelling at you about it later!
Doctor 2: I didn’t – !
Nurse: (Preparing equipment) All right, not that I don’t want to interrupt, but before we start there are few last checks we have to do. (To Patient) Your date of birth?
Patient: Again?! It’s --/--/----! And now I think I’ve told the entire hospital twice how old I wish I wasn’t!
Nurse: Great, and who is the doctor performing the procedure today?
Patient: You don’t know?!
Nurse: Of course we – just answer the question, please.
Patient: Sorry: Dr. ------.
Nurse: Thank you. Now –
Patient: Not for nothing, but at this point I refuse to complete the rest of your time-out process without being paid at least some of your salary. (Turns on the stretcher to lie on the left side) Do with me what you will.
Doctor 2: (Injects solutions into the IV port) All right, sleep tight: your life is in my hands now, heh-heh.
Patient: (Falling asleep) If I wake up in the middle of all this, I’ll know it was you….
Doctor 1: (While preparing the scope; to Doctor 2) Out?
Doctor 2: (Checks Patient and a monitor) Yes, thankfully.
Doctor 1: Good: let’s get this done so I can get to all the others piling up like a backed-up conveyer belt out there. (Starts the procedure and examines a monitor) You know, these things are trying enough to do without the added drama.
Doctor 2: (Also examining a monitor) Heh, you’re telling me…. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta schedule one of these things for myself soon: you think you’d be available –
Doctor 1: (Without looking at Doctor 2) Absolutely not.
Doctor 2: Fair enough.