Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!

Story 338: Pub Trivia Night – Classical Edition

            (A group noisily arrives at a pub in the early evening)

           Customer 1: All right everybody, order your rounds and get them out of the way – we have serious business tonight that will require all our concentration.

            Customer 2: Yeah, serious business making serious money!

            Group: Huzzah!

            Bartender: Trivia Night doesn’t start for another two hours, and the only prizes are gift cards to this place.

            Customer 1: …This calls for another round!

            Group: Huzzah!

TWO HOURS LATER

         M.C.: Yowza, yowza, yowza, all you cats and kittens, it’s time for our weekly TRIVIA NIIIIGHT!!!!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: Now, since we do it old school here: pencils and papers at the ready?

            Crowd: (Waving pencils and papers in the air) Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: And away we go!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

           M.C.: Seriously, though, you’re gonna need to keep it down a bit – the wrestling ring next door’s been complaining.

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

             M.C.: And yowza, yowza, yow – oh, already did that part – on to the first question!  (Hits a button on a control to start the game on the television screens throughout the pub) This one’s a softball: Which male character appeared in the most of Shakespeare’s plays?

            (The Crowd blinks as one at the M.C.)

            Customer 3: Oh come on, buddy, at least try to make it hard!

            Customer 4: Yeah, any idiot knows the answer’s Bardolph!

            Crowd: Duh!  

            M.C.: You are correct!  The answer is “That idiot Bardolph!”

Customer 2: Oh, I thought it was Falstaff.

M.C.: That one was just to lure you in: now, (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) here’s an intermediate one.  True or False: Voyage to the West, published in the 1590s during the Ming Dynasty, is considered one of the Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature.

Customer 5: Really, another softball?  True!

M.C.: Ha!  In your face – that’s False!

Customer 5: What?!  Don’t give me that rot; Voyage to the West practically invented the novel!

M.C.: Yes, but the English translation of the title is Journey to the West, so the answer’s False, ahahahaha!

Customer 5: I – but – it – I’ll fight you!

M.C.: Next question!  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) In Cinderella, what was the slipper the prince tried on her made of?

(Crowd mutters in consultation)

Customer 6: (Raises hand) Is this Charles Perrault’s Cinderella, Brothers Grimm’s Cinderella, or another Cinderella entirely?

M.C.: Ooh, you guys learned fast: Brothers Grimm.

Customer 6: Well then it’s a golden slipper, since that was the last gift those magic birds dropped on her.

M.C.: Correctamundo!  Onwards and upwards.  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) Ooh, we have a Name That Tune!

Crowd: Woot-woot!

M.C.: For this one, you’ll get 30 seconds of an instrumental piece: you then must name the title of the song, the opera it’s featured in, and the composer to get full points!  Bonus if you also get the librettist.

Customer 7: Boo!  Too many requirements!  (Throws a handful of potato chips at the M.C. and misses)

M.C.: You’re cleaning that up later.  (Plays the 30-second clip) Anyone?  (Crowd mutters in consultation) Really, folks, this one’s practically a gimme.

Customer 8: We’ve got it!  (Stands) That was “Au fond du temple saint” from Les Pêcheurs de Perles by Bizet!

M.C.: (Stares coldly at Customer 8) It clearly was “Song to the Moon,” from Rusalka, by Dvořák, you uncultured swine!  (Customer 8 sits in shame) What am I going to do with you?  Now, Lighting Round: in one minute, write the names of as many writers you can who died before the age of 40, go!

Customer 9: That’s just sick.

M.C.: Fifty-five seconds!  (The Crowd writes furiously) Aaaaaand time!  Let’s see the results!  (Collects papers from every group and whips through each)  All right, which joker wrote Harper Lee?!  She died at age 90!

Customer 10: Yeah, but her one real book was at age 34, so she was literarily dead after that.

M.C.: This is not a subjective essay question!  That’s in the Bonus Round!

Crowd: (Moans en masse; everyone flings down their pencils and leaves)

Bartender: (To M.C.) Thanks for ruining my tips for the rest of the night.

M.C.: Whatever.  (Hits a button on the control to the display next question) Perhaps you can answer the question of “Did Impressionism impede or hasten the rise of Dadaism?” in 10 paragraphs or fewer, then.

Bartender: (Grabs a tossed pencil and paper) Sure; got nothing else going on right now.