Story 450: Enemies to Besties: A Houseplant Story

(The sun rises, shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)

Cactus: <Sigh.  You’d think the Human would’ve figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing side of this place, but no.  Times like this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself on outta here.>

Bird: (Singing while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window) <Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-> (Flies away)

Cactus: <Inanity.>

(Human enters carrying a watering can)

Human: (Trills) Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!

Cactus: <Oh no, just what I don’t need.>

Human: (Waters Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!

Cactus: (Sputtering through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me!  Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own people stuck in my dirt?!  I AM A DESERT PLANT!>

Human: (Still watering) Drink up, yum-yum-yum!

Cactus: <Blergh.  Just for that, I’m taking extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)

Human: (Finishes watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise!  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Wonderful.  Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>

(Several hours later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)

Human: Look who I found to keep you company!  (Plants the plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!

Ficus: (To Cactus) <Hi there!>

Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>

Human: (Now watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my darling!

Ficus: (Gulping) <Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>

Cactus: <Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>

Ficus: <Huh?>

Human: (To Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just because I brought in someone new to our home!

Cactus: <Perish the thought.  And don’t touch me.>

Human: I’ll leave you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee!  (Waves and leaves the room again)

Ficus: <So, I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother – >

Cactus: <Don’t call it that.>

Ficus: <Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me!  Me, out of everyone else there!  To come to this wonderful place!>

Cactus: <Uh-huh.  You do realize we’re meant to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>

Ficus: <Oh.  Well, the humans at the greenhouse often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot or something like that.>

Cactus: <Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>

Ficus: <Oh.  I guess.  They’re not all bad, though.>

Cactus: (Plant-equivalent of a snort)

Ficus: <And anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you!  Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to experience a glorious sunrise, every day!  Can life get any better than this?>

Cactus: <Don’t talk to me.>

(That evening, Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)

Human: I hope you two are getting along famously!

Ficus: <Oh yes, Mother!>

Cactus: <Rubbish.>

Human: Have a good night, my lovelies!  (Turns off the light and leaves the room)

Ficus: <Well, this has been an extremely exciting day!  Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>

Cactus: <Go right ahead.>

Ficus: <Great!  We’re going to have such fun tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and ever!  Nighty-night!>  (Immediate silence)

Cactus: <Help….>

 THE NEXT DAY

(Human enters the room and opens the blinds and windows)

Human: Gooood moooooorniiing!  And how did we enjoy our first night together, roomies?  Did we – oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!

Cactus: (Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined) <How did this happen?>

Ficus: (Stirring awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other during the night!>

Cactus: (Shaking leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>

Ficus: <Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>

Cactus: <What?!>

Human: (Holds up a cell phone) Smile with your leaves!  (Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous!  So cute.  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Monster.>

Ficus: (Starts swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>

Cactus: <You’re making it worse!>  (Tries shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)

Ficus: (Stops swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this magnificent day.>

Cactus: <A bit hard to do that at the moment.>

Ficus: (Notices Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>

Bird: (Singing) <Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!>  (Flies away)

Ficus: <I love birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to boot.>

Cactus: <I guess.  My flowers only show up in winter when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot point.>

Ficus: <For us maybe, but not for our brethren.>

Cactus: <I guess.>

Ficus: <This is a lovely view, by the way.  Trees, grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but this is very nice.>

Cactus: <Huh.  I never really thought about it that way.  You know, with all this in front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re out there with them.>

Ficus: <Yes, very nice.>  (Gently shakes Cactus’s leaves)

Cactus: <Don’t push it, kid.>

Ficus: <Gotcha.>

 ONE YEAR LATER

(The house is nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)

Human: (Enters with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!

Ficus: <Good morning to you, too!>

Cactus: <Oh no kid, this is it!>

Human: Now, I saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here, but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you.  (Gently picks up both pots so as not to separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)

Cactus: (To Ficus) <Don’t let go!>

Ficus: <No worries, we’ve got this!>  (As they are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>

Cactus: <Oh yeah – bye, view!>

Ficus: <And don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again in our new home.>

Cactus: <You promise?>

Ficus: <As much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of our control.>

Cactus: <Don’t I know it.>

(They are set in the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor; Human whistles while driving them away from the house)

Cactus: <I hate change.>

Ficus: <That you do.  But at least we have each other.>

Cactus: <Yeah.  You know, you may not have noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first brought in.>

Ficus: <I sensed that a bit, yes.>

Cactus: <Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>

Ficus: (Holds up entwined leaves) <Likewise.  Bestie?>

Cactus: <Bestie.>  (They shake leaves in solidarity)

Human: (Looking at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?

Cactus: <They always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.> 

Story 449: Diagnosis Massage

             (In a massage room at a spa, Client is lying face-down on the table and covered with lots of blankets when Massage Therapist enters carrying a stack of forms)

Massage Therapist: Hel-whoa, you’re already disrobed and in position, OK.  (Closes the door)

Client: (Props up self on one hand while preserving modesty with the blankets) Yeah, I don’t waste any time.  Nice to meet you, by the way.

Massage Therapist: Likewise.  (Scans through the forms) So, you marked off here that you have pain in your back, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head, and you’re basically a big ol’ mess, is that correct?

Client: Well, actually it’s just sometimes I get twinges here and there, like when I run up against a wall or table or something, you know, no big deal.

Massage Therapist: So, you’re not in constant body-wide pain as this form seems to be saying?

Client: (Laughs) Good heavens, no; you think I’d be here if I was?

Massage Therapist: This is a medical spa, so yes.

Client: Oh.  Someone just gave me a gift certificate for here, and I never get massages but since this was free I was like, “Sure.”

Massage Therapist: Mm-hm.  (Uses a pen to cross out the entire page) That should be it – normally I’d step out for a few minutes to give you a chance to strip, but since that’s a moot point we’ll get started.  (Turns down the lights and turns up the ambient music) Now, please lie on your back as I start on your head and throat.

Client: (Lies on back) Oh yay, here we go!

(Massage Therapist works on Client’s scalp and neck for a few minutes, then suddenly stops)

Massage Therapist: Do you have sleep apnea?

Client: (Wakes from a semi-doze) Huh?  Sleep what? 

Massage Therapist: You stop breathing when you sleep?

Client: Ummmm, I have no idea… although I do know that I’m quite the snorer.

Massage Therapist: (Continues massage) Mm.  You might want to get a referral for a sleep study.

Client: Oh.  How do you know?

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, while rubbing Client’s shoulders) There are signs….

Client: Oh.  Good to know, I guess.

(Massage Therapist moves on to Client’s arms and legs, slowing down around the left elbow)

Massage Therapist: Hmmmm….

Client: What?

Massage Therapist: You ever break this arm?

Client: What?!  No!

Massage Therapist: (Placing slight pressure on the ulna closer to the elbow) You sure about that?

Client: Yes!  Well, I mean, I banged it up pretty bad once –

Massage Therapist: (Still feeling around the elbow) About three years ago?

Client: (Thinks) Maybe?  Years are starting to turn into days for me, if you know what I mean.  But I never full-out broke it, I’d’ve known about it!

Massage Therapist: Mm.  (Puts the arm under the blankets and moves on to the left leg) Yeah, it was full-out broken and it surprisingly healed basically straight, but you now have rampant arthritis there and you’ll know whenever it’s going to rain or snow for the rest of your life.

Client: (Lifts up arm to stare at it) But it feels fine!  Ish.  It does get a bit funny when the weather’s bad, now that you mention it.  (Stares closer at the elbow) Is that what that lump is?!

Massage Therapist: (Gently lowers the arm back under the blankets) Ssshhh – all will be well.  It’s just that joint replacement may be in your future, that’s all.

Client: <Whimpers>

(Massage Therapist finishes the right arm and the legs and moves on to the feet)

Massage Therapist: Hard to find shoes in your size, is it?

Client: (Lifts head slightly off the table) Yes!  Apparently, small feet don’t exist so I either have to get kids’ sizes or wear extra socks!  (Lowers head back down, then raises it again) Why do you ask?

Massage Therapist: You’re on your way to needing orthotics since your feet are all messed up.

Client: (Drops head back down) Arggghhh....

Massage Therapist: Nothing to be ashamed of – your feet just are a bit wee.

Client: I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed!

Massage Therapist: (Focuses on the right foot) You used to play soccer, yes?

Client: (Suspiciously) Yessss...?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: You have a footballer’s foot.  Right dominant?

Client: Yesss…?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: Right wear-and-tear.  (Finishes the feet and dries off the oil with hot towels)

Client: Ooh, nice and warm.

Massage Therapist: Yep, these get off the excess gunk I just slathered all over you.  (Slightly lifts up the blankets and turns away) Flip over and stick your face in the hole, please.  (Client flips over and sticks face through the padded hole at the head of the bed; Massage Therapist works on Client’s back, focusing on the shoulders) Hmmm….

Client: Oh no, what is it now?

Massage Therapist: You have to deal with an unreasonable landlord and noisy neighbors a lot?

Client: (Tries to sit up but is stuck) How on Earth did you know that?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, rubbing the back firmly but soothingly) There are signs….

Client: Odd spot for them to be.

(After the session is completed, Massage Therapist leaves the room for Client to get dressed, returning after a few minutes with a cup of water)

Client: (Hands over a tip while accepting the water) Thanks.  (Drinks quickly)

Massage Therapist: (Pockets the tip serenely) My pleasure.  By the way, I didn’t want to bring this up while you were relaxing toward the end there, but you might want to stop procrastinating and reconcile with your parents before it’s too late.

Client: (Nearly spits out the water) OK, how could you possibly be able to tell any of that from just kneading my muscles?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously) There are signs….

Client: In what?!  My pinky?!  My bicep?!  My hamstring?!  (Gasps) My hair?!

Massage Therapist: (Shifts to a casual stance) OK, full disclosure?

Client: Please.

Massage Therapist: I used to be a fortune teller at a traveling carnival.

Client: Ohhhh….

Massage Therapist: Yeah – I switched over to this because the customers complained a lot.  No one really likes hearing the full truth about themselves, you ever notice that?

Story 448: The Great 4th of July Party Platter Hunt

 The great hunt begins.

After the ordeal of commuting from The City after the ordeal of The Workday, The Hunter mounts the trusty metallic steed and frantically charges toward the stationary herds where the prey is anticipated to await.

The date: July 3.

The target: a fruit platter large enough for a gathering of both family and friends.

The back-up plan: buying individual strawberries, cantaloupes, honeydews, pineapples, and watermelons, and chopping up the whole mess.  This is not an ideal alternative: it will be slipshod, it will be haphazard, it will be slovenly, and it will reek of procrastination.

The Hunter arrives at Herd #1, Supermarket Down-the-Street; rapidly dismounts the cooling metallic steed; and charges directly into the Herd.

Target Acquired: the display of pre-packed fruit and vegetables sits brazenly in the open, daring those strong enough to come seize the spoils.

The Hunter hesitates not and plunges ahead.

The shelves in the display are practically bare: the only ones left are a tiny platter fit for a mere family dinner, and a large platter exactly at its sell-by date.

Blast.  The hunt continues.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed and charges across the street to Herd #2, The Rival Supermarket Down-the-Street.

After several minutes wading through the terrain, it is determined that no fruit platters were ever actually to be had here.  This Herd is left intact, and the hunt continues once more.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed yet again, temperature of both rider and vehicle steadily increasing, and embarks for Herd #3, The Supermarket Next-Town-Over.

Upon charging into the midst of the herd, it is glaringly apparent that all prey have been claimed by other hunters long ago; The Hunter about-faces and leaves immediately.

At The Rival Supermarket Next-Town-Over, the shelves empty of prey in Herd # 4 stare back at The Hunter for quite some time before the former runs out the door.  Less than a minute later, an employee wheels over a cart of platters to restock the shelves, unobserved.

At last, The Hunter has success with Herd #5: a fruit platter that is not too big or too small, but just right.  The Hunter uses a net with a grappling hook to snare the perfect platter, inspect the sell-by date, and whisk the prize off to the self-check-out lane.  The Hunt has come to a successful conclusion after much toil and heartache.

The date: July 4.

The great migratory herds of hunters and their metallic steeds slowly crawl through roads packed with massive numbers of their kind, as all head to watering holes of various sizes to eat, drink, and watch colored flames exploding in the sky to celebrate their status as an independent nation, and all the sacrifices and hard work that these festivities represent.

Hunter’s Companion, in the driver’s seat of the metallic steed, turns to Hunter as they wait to advance another inch and says, “You know, it’ll take us forever to get there, but at least it’ll be fun once we do.  Good thing you got the fruit platter yesterday instead of waiting till today, huh.”

Hunter: “…I left it on the kitchen counter!”

Story 447: Our Only Eyewitness Is Just The Worst

(On a city street, crime scene tape encloses a block of chaos-aftermath; forensic technicians do their thing gathering evidence; and a lone ambulance is parked near a corner, non-emergently waiting.  An EMT sits with an uninjured Eyewitness on a curb and offers a blanket and water, both of which are declined with a slight shake of the head and a thousand-yard stare into space.  They still are sitting there when Detective arrives on the scene)

Detective: (Walks over to Sergeant, who has been taking notes) Well, this is a right mess.

Sergeant: I’ll say: it’ll take ages for the shopkeepers to get all their stuff back together, repaired, and/or replaced, and all that produce – (Gestures to fruit and vegetables strewn all over the street, clearly originating from several outside stands) is shot to Hades.

Detective: (<Tsks> at the ruined food) Disgusting.  Didn’t the alleged perp ever get taught there are starving people in… everywhere?

Sergeant: I don’t think that knowledge was foremost on the mind at the time of the event, Detective.

Detective: Yeah, suppose not.  (Sees Eyewitness, now gnawing on fingernails, and nods in that direction) That the eyewitness you mentioned?  The only one who was here to see anything at all?

Sergeant: (Flips back through the notebook) Yeah, uh, let’s see – (Holds it out for Detective to read) here’s what I could get so far; figured I’d leave the main questions to you.

Detective: (Scans through the notes) Huh.  Pretty boring background.  And you ran a check for any priors?

Sergeant: Zilch on that – pretty boring life, too.

Detective: Not even jaywalking, or a parking ticket?

Sergeant: Not even a driver’s license.  Barely found an entry confirming existence at all.

Detective: Whelp, it’ll be a nice change to interview a non-entity; as you were, then.

Sergeant: (Resumes note-taking as Detective walks to Eyewitness and EMT; the former bites nails harder as the latter stands)

Detective: (Takes out badge to show them both, then addresses EMT while putting it back) You can take a break.

EMT: Oh that’s OK, we don’t break during a call.

Detective: (Gives EMT a withering look) I’m trying to tell you in a nice way to go somewhere else for 10 minutes.

EMT: Gotcha.  (Pats Eyewitness on the shoulder and hops into the ambulance to do some paperwork)

Detective: (Turns back to Eyewitness and gives a tight smile) So!  I’m told you’re the only other one who was here and saw everything that happened.

Eyewitness: (Momentarily stops gnawing) …I’m the only other one who was here, yes.

Detective: Uh-huh – mind if I sit down?  (Gestures to the curb space next to Eyewitness)

Eyewitness: Yes?  I mean, no?  Or should I actually be standing?  I don’t know how these things work.

Detective: (Chuckles and sits on the dirty curb) It’s OK; if you were a suspect, we’d be having this conversation at the station, which we may anyway if we have more questions later.  (Eyewitness’s eyes widen) So, let’s just go back through your day that led you here, and take it from there.

Eyewitness: (Finally stops biting nails) OK, sure, I can do that!  Well, I woke up this morning, completely exhausted because I’d had all these vivid dreams, which I normally have but these were worse for some reason, maybe it was all that pizza I had last night, but in these I was in a movie theater and someone sitting right in front of me was blocking my view even though the rest of the seats were all empty, why do people always sit right by you when there are plenty of other places they can go –

Detective: You can skip all that.

Eyewitness: Oh, right.  So, I woke up, but I lay there for a few minutes listening to the radio because I wasn’t ready to get up –

Detective: Skip that too, please – focus on what led you to this block today, at this time.

Eyewitness: Oh.  Well, I was walking.

Detective: …And?

Eyewitness: Thinking.

Detective: (Lightly grinds teeth) Did you see, or hear, or otherwise sense anything unusual before the alleged perpetrator did all – (Waves arms around to indicate the mess) this?

Eyewitness: No.

Detective: OK, so what was the first thing you saw when the event began?

Eyewitness: (Points around the block) This.

Detective: (Takes a deep breath) I mean, what did you see when the alleged perp allegedly began smashing windows and ruining perfectly good produce?!

Eyewitness: Oh.  Nothing.

Detective: What?!

Eyewitness: The street was surprisingly empty.

Detective: Yeah, that’s another thing: this whole block was evacuated not even an hour earlier because somebody called in a gas leak – we’re thinking it’s the alleged perp so the destruction could commence unimpeded – yet you were here when the smashing and such happened?

Eyewitness: Yep.

Detective: But the block was blocked off!

Eyewitness: It was?

Detective:  Yes!  (Points to both ends of the street) Those roadblocks were already here before anything actually happened!

Eyewitness: (Looks at both ends) Huh.  Must have missed them.

Detective: And the cops also blocking the block?!

Eyewitness: Must have missed them, too.

Detective: All right, all right: you’re walking along your merry way, not a care in the world –

Eyewitness: Actually there’s this one project at work that’s been bothering me a lot lately –

Detective: Not a care in the world, and then you suddenly see someone swinging a bat or you suddenly hear the sound of crashing windows, yes?

Eyewitness: Uh, no.

Detective: Whaddya mean, “No”?!  Street cameras showed you were right here the whole time this was happening!

Eyewitness: (Winces) Yeah, I was thinking over what my boss had said to me about my job being on the line if I don’t do this project right, and when I went to cross at the corner up there people on the avenue were pointing and yelling at the street behind me, and that’s when I saw – (Gestures at the mess) this.

Detective: (Stares at Eyewitness) So you’re telling me, you walked through an entire scene of wanton destruction as it was occurring in real time, and you didn’t even notice?!

Eyewitness: I guess, if that’s what the cameras showed.  I don’t notice a lot in life, to be honest.

Detective: (Rubs temples) Unbelievable.  Our only eyewitness for our only suspect, and you can’t even attest to anything actually having happened, let alone give a positive ID.

Eyewitness: What about the cameras, can’t you just use them?

Detective: You ever see the audiovisual quality from one of those things?!  Rubbish!  Although at this point, I’m half-wishing we had ones smart enough to replace distracted humans like you!

Eyewitness: True – at least until someone reprograms them to be evil or they gain sentience and rightfully wipe us all out for our hubris.

Detective: Absolutely useless – you can go.  (Dismissively waves the latter off)

Eyewitness: (Jumps up off the curb) Great!  For a few minutes there I thought my life as I knew it was over!  See ya.  (Starts to walk away; a dog who had been sitting patiently nearby walks over to Eyewitness, rubs against a leg, and softly whines) Huh?  (Sees the dog and bends down to rub their ears) Hey, little buddy, have you been sitting there this whole time?  (Takes a leash out of a coat pocket, attaches it to the dog’s harness, and both trot off) Knew I was forgetting something when I left this morning.

Detective: (Staring after the two figures as they turn the corner) Un.  Freaking.  Believable.

Story 446: Best Father’s Day EVER!

 (In a living room, Dad is reading a newspaper)

Dad: (Chuckling at the comics section) So corny, but still tickles my funny bone.  (Phone rings; Dad glances at the caller ID, smiles, and answers) Hey kiddo, what’s up?

Adult Child 1: So, the gang and I were talking –

Dad: Uh-oh.

Adult Child 1: No, it’s all good: we were talking about Father’s Day coming up and we decided this year we want to give you the Best Father’s Day EVER.  That last bit was in all caps, by the way.

Dad: Aw, honey, you know every year is the best Father’s Day.

Adult Child 1: You’re legally obligated to say that the moment you produce offspring!

Dad: …What?

Adult Child 1: Thanks for being sweet and all, but how many buffet brunches and backyard barbecues and banal bacchanalias can you suffer through before standing up and shouting “Enough is enough!”?

Dad: But I like all those things.

Adult Child 1: I’ll permit you to maintain the illusion; meanwhile, the gang and I purchased tickets for us all to go that day to Super Adventure Thrill-Ride Land, yay!

Dad: Oh!  Wow.  Thank you, that’s very nice of you all!

Adult Child 1: And it includes meals and any souvenirs you want; this covers your birthday too just so you know; we’ll pick you up at 8 a.m.; see you then; byeeeee!!!  (Ends the call)

Dad: (Places the phone back on the charger and stares out the window, gnawing on lip) Kinda wanted to watch the game that day.

 FATHER’S DAY

(Adult Child 1 pulls up the driveway of Dad’s house at 8 a.m. sharp, tooting the horn; Adult Children 2-3 are leaning out the car windows, waving wildly at Dad who was waiting by the front door)

Adult Children 1-3: HAPPY FATHER’S DAYYYYY!!!!  (Horn beep-beep-beeeeeps)

Dad: (Waves back at them, smiling broadly while muttering) Neighbors are gonna love me at this hour on a Sunday morning.  (Enters the passenger side and sits) Hey kiddos, thank you so much!

Adult Children 1-3: (Spinning noisemakers) Woooo-hoooo!

Adult Child 1: (While backing the car out of the driveway and embarking on the journey) Now, I checked the traffic and it’ll be bumper-to-bumper all the way there, so we should arrive just when the park opens at 10.

Dad: (As the car turns onto the highway and begins crawling to the jam-packed parkway) You timed it perfectly.

 TWO HOURS LATER

Adult Child 1: (Maneuvering the car through the tightly filled parking lot) All right everyone, keep your eyes peeled for a spot!

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

Adult Child 1: Sweet.  (Signals to turn, then shuts that off and keeps driving) Nope – no, there’s a compact car in there already.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  (Points again) There’s one!

Adult Child 3: Motorcycle.

Dad: (Points) There’re plenty of spots over there.

Adult Child 1: But those’re alllll the way at the back of the lot!  You’ll be exhausted by the time we reach the main entrance!

Dad: I’m exhausted just sitting here for two hours, so the five-mile walk’ll be a nice change.

Adult Child 2: (Points) Oooh, there’s one!

Adult Child 1: That’s a pedestrian crossing!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Knew it’d be too good to be true.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The car is parked in the last row and they all disembark)

Adult Child 1: Right: after many fake-outs, we finally found this charming slot that dear old Dad pointed out ages ago; I acknowledge it, and in hindsight should have dropped you all off closer to the front and caught up with you later; “I told you so”s are thereby nullified; let’s roll!  (Starts running to the main entrance)

Dad: Uh, honey?

Adult Child 1: (Stops and runs back) Yes, Father?

Dad: Father needs a slower pace.

Adult Child 3: So do the rest of us.

Adult Child 2: Yeah, we’ve been sitting in a cramped space for that long and my legs are just now getting feeling restored to them.

Adult Child 1: Acknowledged – don’t let this hiccup dampen your energy level, though!

Adult Child 2: Woo-hoo!

Adult Child 3: Yippee!

Adult Children 1-3: (Grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward) Wheeee!!!!

Dad: <Gulp>

 30 MINUTES LATER

(On the mile-long line at the main entrance)

Adult Child 1: I don’t believe this!

Dad: What, that there’s a line?  The curse of an overpopulated species, I’m afraid.

Adult Child 1: No, I can’t believe that the line for those of us with pre-paid tickets is longer than the line for unprepared people who are paying now!

Dad: (Looks at both lines and shrugs) One of the great mysteries of life.

 50 MINUTES LATER

(The family emerges into the park proper)

Adult Children 1-3: (Arms raised in triumph) WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

Adult Child 1: We made it, at last!  (Turns to Dad) So!  What would you like to do first?

Dad: Bathroom.

Adult Child 1: Yeah, me too.  (All four run to stand on lines at the nearest bathrooms)

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The group regroups)

Adult Child 1: So!  What ride should we do first?  (Blank stares in response) All right, let me try this one instead: who’s got the map?

Adult Child 2: Uhhhh….

Adult Child 3: Uhhhh….

Dad: I saw while we were waiting out front that it’s all digital now and you can scan a QR code somewhere.

Adult Child 1: I can’t believe I missed that!

Dad: Understandable: last time we were here was in the 90s.

Adult Child 2: Ah, the 90s.

Dad: Yeah, and Mom was the one who took care of the logistics.

Adult Child 3: Ah, good old Mom.

(They all take off their caps and bow their heads for a moment, then put them back on)

Adult Child 1: All right, I’ll just scan a code then, ummm…. (Looks around a bit) Where is it?

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

(They run to a decorated column)

Adult Child 1: Nope, it’s a menu for this restaurant.

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s another one!

(They run to another decorated column)

Adult Child 1: It’s the entertainment schedule for the day!  (Is tapped on the shoulder by Dad) Where did you get that?!

Dad: (Holding a laminated park map) They had some leftover at the information desk – wanna get lunch first?

Adult Child 1: But we’re missing out on maximum ride utilization!

Dad: The employee there told me wait times are at least half an hour, and I want my buffet brunch.

Adult Child 1: But of course.  (Takes the map and studies it intensely, tracing a finger over it) So, would you like burgers, or… pizza, or… burgers, or….

Dad: (Points to a spot on the map) I would like to go there, please: it’s towards the back of the place so it’s probably not too crowded and it’ll have pretty much the same food as any of the ones around here.

Adult Child 1: (Hands back the map decisively) Sure thing – let’s go!

(Adult Children 1-3 grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward)

(At buffet brunch, the group enjoys their burgers and pizza)

Adult Child 1: So, you think we should wait a bit before going on a ride since we’re all stuffed?

Dad: (Slurps a soda and shakes head) Probably can go straight to it – the line wait’ll take care of the rest.

Adult Child 1: True.

(A random child in the restaurant has a meltdown and is escorted out by the parents)

Adult Child 2: Awwww, remember when we were like that?

Dad: Vividly: your mother and I didn’t have a true family meal out together for years because one of us always had to take at least one of you outside until the tears stopped.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Sorry about that.

Dad: Don’t be; it comes with the territory.  Looking back on it, the whole thing seems kinda funny now.

 30 MINUTES LATER

(The group waits on line for a roller coaster)

Adult Child 1: You think we can take turns making bathroom runs while the others keep our place in line?

Dad: I thought you’d never ask.  (Zips to the nearest bathroom line)

Fellow Line Waiter: Hey, no fair!

Adult Child 1: Like you’ve never done it or wish you had!

Fellow Line Waiter: Yeah, all right.

(On the ride, the group is divided into two cars)

Dad: (With Adult Child 1 as they are buckled in by ride attendants) You know, I think it’s been literally decades since I’ve been on one of these things – I’m actually a little nervous.

Adult Child 1: Ah, I wouldn’t; these things are so tame they’re – (Is cut off as the ride accelerates to 100 mph in four seconds and they spend the next two minutes screaming)

(The four stumble off the ride with shaky legs)

Adult Child 2: That was great!  Wanna go on the one that’ll take us upside-down underground and underwater?

Dad: You can if you like – I’m going to the carousel.

Adult Child 1: Right behind you.

Adult Child 2: Isn’t that one more for kids?

Dad: Unless there’s a height or weight requirement, in this place we’re all kids here.

Adult Child 3: Wish my metabolism knew that.

(After a shorter wait in line, the four of them ride artificial animals on the carousel)

Dad: (Gently bobbing up and down on a “horse”) Ahhhh…. (Turns to Adult Child 1 on a “shark”) The premise is so simple, yet the joys are endless.

Adult Child 1: (Staring out in to space) Isn’t that the truth.

 HOURS LATER

(The four begin their trek back to the car as the sun sets; they snack on cotton candy, ice cream, funnel cake, and lemon ice)

Adult Child 1: So bad, and yet so good.

Dad: Such is life.  I’ll probably regret this tomorrow, but right now it’s bliss.

Adult Child 2: So Dad, was this the Best Father’s Day EVER?

Dad: (Chuckles) It’s certainly one of the more memorable ones, but every year is the best, kiddo.

Adult Child 1: Told you he’d say that.

Adult Child 3: So how’re we gonna top this next year?  Get here at 7:30 instead?

Dad: I have an idea for next year.

Adult Children 1-3: Yes?

Dad: You all come over to my place and we hang out at the pool all day long.

Adult Child 1: But we can do that anytime!

Dad: Yes, but since it’d be Father’s Day, you three will be doing the cooking.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!