Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.

Story 536: We Interrupt This Surgery With a Bit of an Earthquake

             (In an operating room, Patient is wheeled in on a stretcher as the team prepares for surgery)

Surgeon: (Beams broadly at Patient through a surgical mask) Hi there!  How are you feeling before The Big Event?

Patient: (As the anesthesia begins to take effect) Well Doc, I was a little anxious before, but now I feel extreeeeemely grooooovy….

Surgeon: (Briefly tests a surgical saw) Perfect.  Now, you know I’ve done literally thousands of these and hope to do millions more before I’m eventually forced to retire, so rest – (Winks exaggeratedly) assured I could do this procedure blindfolded if I didn’t mind getting sued.  So, we’re going to do a few final checks here and then start slicing you up; please feel free to go ahead and lose consciousness any time now.

Patient: (Eyes drift closed) Riiiiiight… ooooonnnnn….

Surgeon: (To Anesthesiologist who is monitoring Patient) Out?

Anesthesiologist: (Checks Patient’s vital signs) Out.

Surgeon: Good.  (To the O.R. Team) All right, folks, let’s get a move on – I’ve got 10 more of these to get through before office hours today, so make it snappy!

   ONE HOUR LATER

(Patient dreams of riding a rickety roller coaster that continuously ascends)

Patient: (In dream, has arms raised waiting for the first drop that never arrives) WHEEEEEEE – !  (The roller coaster dissolves as Patient slowly awakens, extremely groggy) – eeeeeee….

Surgeon: (Leans over Patient, no longer wearing the surgical mask but still beaming broadly) Hi there!  How are you feeling?

Patient: …weird….

Surgeon: (Chuckles) Yes, that’s to be expected.  So!  How to phrase this: while you were blissfully occupied in dreamland, we’ve had a bit of an unforeseen turn of events here in the waking world.

Patient: …oh...?

Surgeon: (Still beaming broadly) Yes, I had made several incisions and we were just getting into the heart of things, so to speak, when out of nowhere, we apparently had a bit of an earthquake.

Patient: …a bit…?

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in) Measured 6.5 on the Richter scale.

Surgeon: (Smile never falters; to Anesthesiologist) Yes, thank you for the report!  (One-handedly pushes away Anesthesiologist; to Patient) As you can see, nothing to worry about, everyone’s fine, but in an overabundance of caution we had to have a bit of an evacuation.

Patient: A bit??!!  (Sits up slightly on the stretcher and sees that the O.R. has relocated to the hospital’s parking lot)

Surgeon: (Gently pushes Patient back down) Yes, everything is completely under control: once the tremors stopped, we sewed you up – somewhat – and wheeled you right on outta there!

Patient: Oh.  OK.  Guess we have to reschedule then, huh?

Surgeon: Well….

Patient: Well…?

Surgeon: The thing is – due to the overabundance of caution, mind you –

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in again) Everything was falling everywhere.

Surgeon: (Pushes Anesthesiologist away again) – we had to evacuate just when I was about to implant your brand-spanking-new knee, and there wasn’t enough time for me to sew up every single thing before we had to wheel you right on outta there, so things are in a bit of a… precarious state, if you will, and if I don’t get back in and finish what I started soon there is a slight-to-probable chance that you will bleed out.

Patient: WHAT?!

Surgeon: (Holds up a finger) But!  Not to worry, since all we have to do is pick up right where we left off just as soon as you sign these forms stating that you consent to the change in venue and the new, less-than-sterile conditions.  (Holds out a pen and a clipboard with handwritten forms attached)

Patient: (Frantically signs, dates, and times the forms) Fine, yes, do whatever you have to do, just hurry up and finish, please!

Surgeon: (Tosses the clipboard and pen onto a nearby car) That’s great – now, we’re going to send you right on back to dreamland soon, and this’ll all be over before you know it!

Anesthesiologist: (Leans in toward Surgeon) We can’t administer anesthesia right now – we left all the equipment to monitor vitals back in the O.R.

Surgeon: (Smile freezes) Blast.  (To Patient after a few moments) So!  How would you say your pain tolerance is?

Patient: Uh… I like to think it’s pretty high….

Surgeon: (Puts on a surgical mask, wipes hands and forearms thoroughly with sterile alcohol pads, and puts on gloves) Perfect!  So: we’re going to do a bit of a real-world academic exercise now.  Normally, we ask patients after the fact to rate their pain on a scale of 1 to 10, but in these special circumstances I want you to tell me whenever I ask whether any possible pain you feel is 1 – bearable while biting down on this mouth guard – (Inserts it into Patient’s mouth) or 2 – so excruciating that you’re probably going to lose consciousness and return to dreamland all on your own.  Sound like a plan?

Patient: (Through the mouth guard) Uhhhh….

Surgeon: Perfect!  Oh, one more thing – (To Anesthesiologist) Could you add the phrase “Without anesthesia” to the bottom of the form and have our patient initial the addendum, please?

Anesthesiologist: Sure.  (Updates the form and holds it out for Patient to sign)

Patient: (Signs; speaking through the mouth guard) Is this going to take much longer, then?

Surgeon: (Laughs maniacally while raising a scalpel) Not if I have anything to say about it!

 HOURS LATER

(Patient wakes up in a hospital room and sees Surgeon and Nurse standing nearby)

Surgeon: (No longer wearing a surgical mask) Hi there!  How are you feeling?

Patient: …Not too great, to be honest.

Surgeon: Great!  You unfortunately did lose consciousness during the surgery without telling me first like we’d agreed, but I was almost done at that point so no hard feelings.  (Hands a packet to Patient, who groggily takes it) We woke you up now so I could give you your homework: these are all the meds you’ll need to take 15 times a day for the next month, and all the exercises you’ll need to do with you brand-spanking-new knee every hour on the hour, even while you’re sleeping.  Got all that?

Patient: (Loopily stares at the huge pile of papers, then back at Surgeon) …Huh?

Surgeon: Great!  Gotta run – that earthquake set me back about two months on my appointments, so you can just imagine the happiness my life is right now!  (Dashes out the door)

Patient: (To Nurse) Is everything all right, or should I be worried?

Nurse: (Working on Patient’s IV) Everything’s fine for the most part, but with the earthquake inserting itself into the schedule we’re all set back today.  Physical Therapy will be here eventually to get you up and moving so you can get on outta here, but with all the delays they won’t have you running the half-marathon or doing the high jump until at least tomorrow, and that’s being optimistic.

Patient: …I’ll manage.

Story 535: But I Don’t Want to Participate in Mating Season This Year

            (Bird 1 paces on a telephone wire as Bird 2 flies up to land nearby)

Bird 2: Hey-hey, what’s-up-what’s-up?

Bird 1: Oh, not much; just waiting for the fledgling to show her face one of these days, that’s all.

Bird 2: Ah.  How’s the whole “Not letting this one leave the nest” experiment going?

Bird 1: (Stops pacing and sighs) Not as well as I’d like.  I was hoping that not kicking this one out on Day 15 of existence would bring us closer together and give me some non-demanding company over the course of our lives, but it seems to have created a whole bunch of new problems instead.

Bird 2: Oh?  Like what?

Bird 1: (Looks up suddenly) You’ll find out – she’s coming in for a landing right now.

(Bird 3, with a self-made crest no one else sports and what appears to be berry juice drawn in circles around the eyes, lands with a thud on the wire, dislodging a few other birds down the line)

Bird 3: (Looking elsewhere with an air of indifference) `Sup.

Bird 1: (Flaps wings in agitation) And where have you been, hm?

Bird 3: (Preens wing tips) Oh, you know – around.

Bird 2: (Side-stepping down the wire) Yeah, I’m going to take this opportunity to… leave.  (Cannot fly away fast enough)

Bird 1: (Not even acknowledging the exit, continues addressing Bird 2) Uh-huh.  You know very well that this is the first day of mating season –

Bird 3: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Bird 1: – and you’re not going to get any males even wanting to attract your attention and lifelong devotion if you insist on looking like that.  (Waves a wing up and down at Bird 3)

Bird 3: (Finally looks at Bird 1) Good!  Maybe I don’t want any males wanting to attract my attention!

Bird 1: (Gasps in horror) But – but – but – babies!

Bird 3: What about `em?!                                         

Bird 1: How are you supposed to have any if you don’t have males parade around in front of you strutting their stuff?!

Bird 3: Guess I won’t be, then.  (Bird 1 gasps even louder) I’m sure the species will survive a lone female bowing out of the biological cycle just this once.

Bird 1: Swoon!  (Nearly faints off the wire; Bird 3 grabs a wing and steadies her) I have never in all my two years of life ever heard such abominable heresy!  What would your father say – rest his feathered soul – if he could hear you now?!

Bird 3: I’m sure he’d wish he could’ve bowed out of the whole thing, too – it couldn’t have been easy providing for four sets of chicks a year.

Bird 1: Aiiii!!!

Bird 3: I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it: all of my brothers and sisters seem to be content with continuing the family line, so you have plenty of grandkids to ensure our species’ survival.

Bird 1: I can only hope!  They all dispersed after leaving the nest – they never visit, they never send any songs my way!  You, on the other wing, I kept by my side hoping we could remain a family for longer than most, with you, your mate, and your many, many offspring!

Bird 3: Very progressive of you, but clearly misjudged.

Bird 1: (Wrings wings) Ooh, what will I say to all the others when they ask about you and your nonexistent brood?!

Bird 3: I dunno: tell `em a hawk got me or something.

Bird 1: (Stops wringing) Don’t even joke about that!  Although I’m feeling almost as bad as if one did!

Bird 3: Figures.

Bird 1: Just help me to understand: what do you plan on doing with your life if you’re not going to spend it producing more of us, may I ask?

Bird 3: (More animated) I’ve given that a lot of thought, actually: I’ve decided to migrate across the wide East Waters and explore the lands there that the albatrosses are always talking about.

Bird 1: (Beak drops open in astonishment) Migrate across the East Waters?!  We’re not built for that kind of distance, and there’ll be absolutely no food you’ll be able to get until you’ve finally reached the ends of the Earth!  What are you thinking – you’ll never make it!

Bird 3: Ah, there’s a trick, though: you know those huge metal vessels that the humans go around in?

Bird 1: You mean like the one your father – rest his feathered soul – flew into?

Bird 3: Not the ones on land – the ones on the waters.

Bird 1: Oh.  Yes, I’ve seen few of those, here and there.

Bird 3: Well, word is that you find the biggest one leaving land, one that looks like a floating city, snag a safe cubby somewhere along the outer edge, and hang out there until it reaches land on the other side!  Easy food, easy water, easy shelter – just don’t get caught, and be prepared to wind up where you started if it turns out to be a dinner cruise.

Bird 1: (Holds head in wings) My own chick, one I fed with my own digested food and sheltered with my own body against the elements both inside and outside the shell, is not only refusing to take part in the only command issued to us by Nature, but is choosing to embark on the life of a – a – scavenger!

Bird 3: You say that like it’s a bad thing; some of my best friends are scavengers.

Bird 1: (Looks back at Bird 3) You know very well my feelings about your associating with those… carrion feeders.

Bird 3: They’re called “vultures”, Mother!

(Another bird flies toward them and lands on the wire nearby)

Bird 1: (Waves a wing at Bird 3) Ooh!  Ooh!  Here comes a male!  Just give him a chance, please?  For my sake?

Bird 3: (Folds wings across chest and turns head away) Fine.

Bird 4: (Has side-stepped to the other two) Hello, ladies.

Bird 1: Hello, good sir.  (Drags Bird 3 closer) This is my daughter – (Mutters to Bird 3) At least have some manners.

Bird 3: (Without looking at Bird 4) Hey.

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest) So: you both know why I’m here.

Bird 1: Oh yes, tee-hee-hee!

Bird 4: Allow me to… prove my worth to you, then.  Ahem.  (Flings wings open wide to display striking colors and starts to tap dance without tap shoes) Ta – da – da – da, ta – da – da – da – da, da – da – da – da – DA!  Da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: (Finally shakes off Bird 1) All right, that’s enough.  (Starts waving wings at Bird 4) Hey – hey buddy –

Bird 4: – da – da – da – da –

Bird 3: COOL IT!

Bird 4: (Stops suddenly and lowers wings) Not your thing?  I’ve gotten a dozen other varieties I can show you instead – it’s my first mating season, so I’m a little nervous as you probably can tell, heh-heh-heh.

Bird 3: (Grabs Bird 4 around the head) Listen: don’t degrade yourself like this just because everyone makes you think that your only purpose in life is to make multiple versions of yourself!

Bird 4: It’s… not?

Bird 3: (Releases Bird 4’s head) Yes!  You are more than a gene carrier!

Bird 4: Oh, I know: I have to protect and provide for my mate and chicks, too.  Which I think you’ll see I am more than adequate in that area with my next performance, ahem.  (Flings open wings and begins to dance again)

Bird 3: No-no-no!

Bird 4: (Stops dancing and lowers wings) No good?  How about this, then?  (Starts to raise wings again)

Bird 3: (Reaches out to lower Bird 4’s wings) What I mean is, life is more than making babies!

Bird 4: (Slowly blinks) I don’t understand.

Bird 3: Tell me, you’re, what, a few months old, right?

Bird 4: (Puffs out chest again) Just turned six months yesterday.

Bird 3: You have so much of your life ahead of you!  So much of the world to explore, outside of this one square mile we’ve trapped ourselves in!  Yes, it’s dangerous out there, and yes, we won’t be happy all the time, but at least we’ll have lived!  And then, if you still want to have babies after that, by all means, have all the babies you want!  Your dances were amazing; I’m sure any other female would gladly pick you as an acceptable co-parent!

Bird 4: Really?  You think so?

Bird 3: Definitely!  And if after experiencing life you decide not to have babies, that’s fine too!  Plenty of others will pick up the slack; one or two of us won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things!

Bird 4: Wow.  That all sounds pretty awesome now that I think about it.  (Nods definitively) You know what?  That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

Bird 3: Great!

Bird 4: (Facing the sky) Look out, world!  Here I come!  (Flies away triumphantly, narrowly escaping a nearby hawk)

Bird 1: (Glares at Bird 3) Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, now you’re recruiting?!

Bird 3: (Laughs) Relax, Mother: I’m flying off to my all-inclusive migration now, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing anyone else.  (Hugs Bird 1, who hugs her back) See you next spring!  (Flies east)

Bird 1: (Sighs while watching Bird 3 recede into the distance) Never thought this’d be the way she’d finally leave the nest.  (Eyes widen in realization) Mother was right: I really did have a fledgling who grew up to be just like me!

Story 534: Easter Washout

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  Normally I’d wish you and your family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.

Friend 2: Oh well, it happens.  So, you still heading out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?

Friend 1: But of course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.

Friend 2: It’s just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  The rain.  How I loathe it.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.

Friend1: What May flowers?!  It’s been raining nonstop since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!

Friend 2: It hasn’t been that bad –

Friend 1: It has too been that bad!  I didn’t realize this part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years, yet here we are!  I was shocked that one day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a straight 23 months!

Friend 2: Great, no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.

Friend 1: No, no!  This half of the Earth didn’t properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll be bupkis instead!  The constant deluge will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over 100°F in the shade!

Friend 2: It’s not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.

Friend 1: What spring?!  We get cold rain and warm rain, and that’s it!  And today’s Easter, the holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and sheets of polluted water!

Friend 2: Well, maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.

Friend 1: The Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!  All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat out!

Friend 2: OK, anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family dinner – I’m hanging up now.

Friend 1: Thanks.  If my cousins’ house is now surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.

Friend 2: Wow.  Situation must be worse than I thought.

Friend 1: You have no idea.

Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.

Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore

 [Not based on a true story; I’m just on a Star Trek kick lately and this is a sort-of parody of those series]

(On the minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination: Unknown)

Captain: (Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive nothingness streaking by.  With a full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?  It’s March 14, 2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn another standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?  Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in where I note that it’s business as usual.  We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.  Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.  I mean, what is the point of all this anyway?  Discovery?  We’re not discovering anything – every planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh that’s nice!” and move on.  Anything else messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there, starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.  And don’t get me started on what goes on board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application; equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work gets done.  And if I have to sign one more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.

Lieutenant: (Has been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?

Captain: (Turns to Lieutenant) Yeah?

Lieutenant: I have a report for you to sign.

Captain: (Stares balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.

Computer: Log entry deleted.

Captain: (Takes the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.

Lieutenant: (Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to be your name at the bottom.

Captain: That’s because it isn’t.

Lieutenant: May I ask – ?

Captain: I’d rather you didn’t, but go ahead.

Lieutenant: What does “TL;DR” stand for?

Captain: (Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations like these, Ensign.

Lieutenant: …It’s Lieutenant, actually, Captain.

Captain (Brow furrows in confusion) Since when?

Lieutenant: Since you promoted me last year.

Captain: I did?  What for?

Lieutenant: I believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”

Captain: (Thinks for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.  (Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge crew) It was so rare.  (They duck their heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re you still hanging around for?

Lieutenant: I’m waiting to be dismissed, Captain.

Captain: You’re a full-grown adult, Lieutenant; you don’t need my permission to live.

Lieutenant: True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.

Captain: Ugh, enough of that nonsense.  (Taps another few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is obviously your Captain speaking.  New rule: when a conversion is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and if turns out we’re not finished then we’ll order you back.  Captain – OUT!  (Taps another button to turn off the intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)

Lieutenant: Oh, right – bye.  (Trots to the bridge lift to exit)

Captain: (Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a reason!  (Leans back in The Big Chair and starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put on a movie!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to navigate.

Captain: No you don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling them where we want to go.  And the viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.  (Pilot turns back to the controls, flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.

Computer: Accessing kitten cam feed.

(The starscape on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and overall being cute)

Captain: Heh-heh; sweet.  (Pops open the can’s tab with one hand and slurps the drink)

(An alert sounds)

Communications Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has suddenly appeared off our port bow!

Captain: (Nearly spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!  Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!

Communications Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a dramatic entrance, Captain!

Captain: Oh right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.

Communications Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!

Captain: (Drops the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!

Communications Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.

Captain: (Cracks jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.

Computer: Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.

(Kittens are replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)

General: Earth vessel –

Captain: (Head snaps from side to center) WHAT?!

General: (Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –

Captain: We know what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the hull.  (General is stunned into silence) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!

General: (Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to move along or we will bombard you with artillery!  And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s never a guarantee.

Captain: (Rolls eyes) We’re nowhere near your space – and besides, no one owns space, it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or where to be!

Pilot: (Turns around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters yesterday, this sector is now considered their space.

General: Aha!  You were told!  And we do so own it!

Captain: (Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in it right now?

Pilot: I may have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.

Captain: …If you even hint that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.  (Pilot turns back around and focuses intently on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)

General: Well, Captain?  Will you shove off or not?

Captain: (Leans back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?

General: “Inches”?

Captain: How far do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?

General: Oh, not far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.

Captain: (Eyes widen) Are you kidding me?!  Even at top speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!  And you only gave us 30 seconds!

General: Which have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.  (To off-screen crew) Blast `em to smithereens, good people! 

(Call abruptly ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from laser beams hitting it)

Captain: (Falls out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even working?!

Tactical Officer: The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so that’s something.

Captain: Unbelievable.

(Lieutenant re-enters the bridge from the lift)

Lieutenant: Captain!  (The latter whips around in The Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!

Captain: (Nearly falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real right now?!  Get outta here, and go wherever it is you nerds hide during fights like this!

Lieutenant: (Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t even know what I do here?!

Captain: No, and I don’t care and never will, nerd!

Lieutenant: (Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly) That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!  (Lift doors close on anguished triumph)

Captain: Cripes.  (Spaceship rocks the hardest it has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!  Fire back!

Tactical Officer: How so, Captain?  Lasers?  Bombs?  Sledgehammers?

Captain: (Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best judgement!

(Tactical Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which immediately shuts down)

Captain: What’d you do?!

Tactical Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.

Captain: (To self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.  (Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the bridge) So!  You were saying?

General: This is outrageous!  You not only trespass in our newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!  Once our homeworld hears about this abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!

Captain: Too bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal territory.

General: We were defending ours!

Captain: From what, our nonexistent exhaust?!

General: From your presence!  We don’t like you, and we don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!

Captain: Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.

General: But you were told!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair) We were told, Captain.

Captain: (To Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.  (To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.  Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.

General: WHAT?!

Computer: Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.

Captain: (Sighs and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!  (Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches General) Fine!  We’ll bring your crew over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.  Happy?!

General: No, but it’ll do.

Captain: Good, `cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.  (Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone looks confusedly at each other)

(Hours later, the two repaired ships part ways)

Captain: (Back on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.  [Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m writing up the entire crew for sass.  Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.  [Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.  I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who cares what I thought about the whole thing?  No amount of self-reflection’s gonna unscramble that egg, know-what-I-mean?  [Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.  (Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!  Nothing but net.

Pilot: (Turns around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again, but can I ask a question off the record?

Captain: (Opens another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer records everything like a spy so nothing’s ever off the record.

Pilot: Oh.

Captain: (Closes eyes) OK, what’s up?

Pilot: Well, you clearly don’t want to be out in space –

Captain: No kidding.

Pilot: – so… why did you join a space-exploring organization?  And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to Captain?!

Captain: (Puts on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was a shortage.  Now: continue flying us on our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this nonsense.

Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!