Story 329: I Would Like to Cancel My Subscription to Humanity

            Automated Phone Line: Hello, and thank you for calling Humanity, central office.  To properly direct your call, please select from the following options: for – Guidance With Existential Issues – press 1; for – Venting About Injustice – press 2; for – Suggestions on Adapting to Overpopulation – press 3; for – Feedback From the Flora and the Fauna – press 4; for – Your Place in the Universe – press 5; for – Subscription Management – press 6; for – (“6” is pressed) OK, you selected – Subscription Management – is that correct?  Press 1 for “Yes,” or press 2 for – (“1” is pressed) One moment please – (♪♪♪) For – Assistance With Starting a New Life of Service to Others – press 1; for – A List of Reasons Not to Burn It All Down – press 2; for – Subscription Renewal – press 3; for – Subscription Cancellation – press 4; for – (“4” is pressed) One moment please.  (Ringing tone for almost 10 seconds)

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: He-hello?  This is Subscription Cancellation – do you actually need my assistance?

            Human: Hello, yes, I would like to cancel my subscription to Humanity, please.  However, if I need to wait four to six weeks for that to be processed, I completely understand.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, it’s just that – no one ever selects this extension, so I just want to make sure you… picked the right one?

            Human: Of course.  Humanity is of no further use to me and I wish to cancel my subscription to it, if you please.  To put it bluntly, I’m done with the whole thing and I want out of the species.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Sounds of rifling through papers) you see, the thing is, no one’s dialed this extension since I started here, so I’ve never actually done one of these before.  I mostly field the Burn-It-All-Down calls, which can get pretty intense.

            Human: I can imagine.  I almost selected that one myself just now, but I always like to hear what my options are on these things and this one seemed much more applicable to my situation.

             Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh.  OK.

            Human: You see, I don’t really want us all to go out in a fiery inferno – I supposed there’s a modicum of hope left for some of us, and that scenario’d be completely unfair to the innocents and all the other non-human lifeforms on Earth who’d get swept up in it through no fault of their own.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Yeah, that’s usually the angle I take.

            Human: So I thought, this is my decision, I should be the only one affected by it, right?

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh yeah, right.

            Human: So, there it is.  No more Humanity for me, I thank you.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, right, let’s see… (More rifling through papers) OK, got it!  You have the option of cancelling your subscription to Humanity but still remain human – just no further interaction with other members of your species, ever again.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that.

        Humanity Customer Service Representative: That package also includes instantaneous relocation to a remote part of the planet where your impact on your surroundings would be minimal to nil: you would have no electricity and no direct access to food, water, or shelter other than what you can get for yourself, but considering that you probably would be sent to Antarctica, that part is next-to-impossible for your species without outside assistance from your fellows.

            Human: Oh.  Um….

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh!  I just found a report from the last human who cancelled their subscription, about 375 years ago…. Uh-yep, they died from exposure in about a week, but they were a bit hardier back in those days, know-what-I-mean?

           Human: Hm.  I kind of was hoping I could just stay home all day and no one would bother me.

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: (More rifling through papers) Let’s see, there’s also the option to transfer outside of your species and continue as a different entity.

            Human: Isn’t that reincarnation?

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Nah, that’s after you died this go-around, and actually falls under “Subscription Renewal.”  This transfer would happen now, during your current life.  Just – boom, different creature, carry on.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that one.  Yes, I’ll take that option, please.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, then!  (Sounds of lifting a heavy object and dropping it onto a desk) Right – (Sounds of flipping through pages in a very large book) I can start at the beginning and keep reading names of animals, plants, bacteria, etc. until you tell me to stop, or if you have an idea of what you would like to become I can go to that category and –

            Human: Icarus.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Eh?

          Human: Blue supergiant star in the MACS J1149+2223 galaxy.  Farthest observed star from this planet, so likelihood of my kind getting their dirty hands on it anytime soon are slim.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, you seem to have given this a lot of thought, but what’s observed is over nine billion years old so that star is probably a black hole by now.

          Human: Oh yes, of course, what a fundamental error.  Very well, then – Proxima Centauri should do instead: a little too close to Earth for comfort, but can’t be too choosy.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Back to rifling through papers) You actually can’t be transferred into something that already exists.

           Human: Why not?  Matter and energy never are created or destroyed anyway, they just get shuffled around a bit.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: But this is something that currently exists in that specific form, so your essence can’t be added on top of it.

            Human: I concede the point.  Could you make me into a brand new star then?

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Umm, I don’t know if that’s ever been done before….

            Human: First time for everything.  I’m sure there must be some nebula out there, on the verge of emerging into starhood as we speak.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: It actually takes about 10 million years to –

         Human: Just make me a star, or an asteroid, or dark matter for all I care!  Get me out of Humanity and off this planet forever, please!

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, OK – (Sounds of typing) There’s one out there ready to go, and it’s so many billions of light years away from Earth that the Hubble Space Telescope won’t even see it for ages – I can cancel your subscription and send you there right now, or set an appointment for a few days or weeks from now so you can get your affairs on Earth in order first?

           Human: My affairs mean nothing to no one, least of all me.  Do it now, please.  And thank you – you’ve been most helpful.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: (Typing) Anytime!  And… done!... Hello?  Oh right, they’re a star now.  (Disconnects the call) Too bad I can’t send them the survey – that was some of my best work.

Story 328: You Sound Meaner in Writing

            (In an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)

            Coworker 1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?

           Coworker 2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry, really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this stress, right, what?  (Finally looks up at Coworker 1)

            Coworker 1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?  It’s been almost a year since the series finale.

            Coworker 2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you hear me?!  So, how can I help?

            Coworker 1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need back-up.

            Coworker 2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.

         Coworker 1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.

          Coworker 2: Why not?  Did something happen between you two?  How would you guys’ve even met?  I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.

           Coworker 1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she likes me.

           Coworker 2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.

          Coworker 1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t be late.  This is a State requirement.”  (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.

           Coworker 1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone – there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate.  If you send a corrected version by tomorrow, that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it went to the bigwigs?

             Coworker 1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of the screen?

             Coworker 2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.

          Coworker 1: All right, bad example.  (Scrolls a bit) Aha!  This one’s perfect: “Report received.  I will contact you next month for updates.”  (Looks expectantly at Coworker 2) Well?

            Coworker 2: Eh....

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –

            Coworker 1: Ha!

            Coworker 2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your job.

           Coworker 1: You are no help whatsoever.  And the point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of posse there with me!

           Coworker 2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands you?  Tell her off?

          Coworker 1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from completely removing my head.

          Coworker 2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know, there’s that.

             Coworker 1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.

             Coworker 2: Oh fine.

3:00 IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

            (Coworkers 1 and 2 sit at a long table)

            Coworker 1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?

            Coworker 2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.

            (They see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)

            Coworker 1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.

          Coworker 2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar for this.

            Coworker 1: Wha – ?!

           Quality Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello!  It’s so great to finally meet you in person!  All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets to be so impersonal, don’t you think?

            Coworker 1: …A little bit.

           Quality Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know what I mean?

            Coworker 1: Well….

           Quality Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me what I need right away!  I wish everyone had your work ethic!

            Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

           Quality Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything.  Now: this should only take about 10 minutes, but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training video or something.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!

            (Back at Coworker 2’s desk)

          Coworker 2: So.  I could’ve been immersed in reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.

            Coworker 1: “OTP?”

            Coworker 2: One True Pairing.

            Coworker 1: Seriously?

            Coworker 2: Don’t bash my ship!

            Coworker 1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

         Coworker 2: Your loss.  Anyway, are you satisfied now that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?

            Coworker 1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even, nice.

            Coworker 2: So there.  (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer)

         Coworker 1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder, though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and rude.  Why do you think I insert smiley faces in everything I send?  Otherwise, whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.

Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.