Story 329: I Would Like to Cancel My Subscription to Humanity

            Automated Phone Line: Hello, and thank you for calling Humanity, central office.  To properly direct your call, please select from the following options: for – Guidance With Existential Issues – press 1; for – Venting About Injustice – press 2; for – Suggestions on Adapting to Overpopulation – press 3; for – Feedback From the Flora and the Fauna – press 4; for – Your Place in the Universe – press 5; for – Subscription Management – press 6; for – (“6” is pressed) OK, you selected – Subscription Management – is that correct?  Press 1 for “Yes,” or press 2 for – (“1” is pressed) One moment please – (♪♪♪) For – Assistance With Starting a New Life of Service to Others – press 1; for – A List of Reasons Not to Burn It All Down – press 2; for – Subscription Renewal – press 3; for – Subscription Cancellation – press 4; for – (“4” is pressed) One moment please.  (Ringing tone for almost 10 seconds)

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: He-hello?  This is Subscription Cancellation – do you actually need my assistance?

            Human: Hello, yes, I would like to cancel my subscription to Humanity, please.  However, if I need to wait four to six weeks for that to be processed, I completely understand.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, it’s just that – no one ever selects this extension, so I just want to make sure you… picked the right one?

            Human: Of course.  Humanity is of no further use to me and I wish to cancel my subscription to it, if you please.  To put it bluntly, I’m done with the whole thing and I want out of the species.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Sounds of rifling through papers) you see, the thing is, no one’s dialed this extension since I started here, so I’ve never actually done one of these before.  I mostly field the Burn-It-All-Down calls, which can get pretty intense.

            Human: I can imagine.  I almost selected that one myself just now, but I always like to hear what my options are on these things and this one seemed much more applicable to my situation.

             Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh.  OK.

            Human: You see, I don’t really want us all to go out in a fiery inferno – I supposed there’s a modicum of hope left for some of us, and that scenario’d be completely unfair to the innocents and all the other non-human lifeforms on Earth who’d get swept up in it through no fault of their own.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Yeah, that’s usually the angle I take.

            Human: So I thought, this is my decision, I should be the only one affected by it, right?

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh yeah, right.

            Human: So, there it is.  No more Humanity for me, I thank you.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, right, let’s see… (More rifling through papers) OK, got it!  You have the option of cancelling your subscription to Humanity but still remain human – just no further interaction with other members of your species, ever again.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that.

        Humanity Customer Service Representative: That package also includes instantaneous relocation to a remote part of the planet where your impact on your surroundings would be minimal to nil: you would have no electricity and no direct access to food, water, or shelter other than what you can get for yourself, but considering that you probably would be sent to Antarctica, that part is next-to-impossible for your species without outside assistance from your fellows.

            Human: Oh.  Um….

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh!  I just found a report from the last human who cancelled their subscription, about 375 years ago…. Uh-yep, they died from exposure in about a week, but they were a bit hardier back in those days, know-what-I-mean?

           Human: Hm.  I kind of was hoping I could just stay home all day and no one would bother me.

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: (More rifling through papers) Let’s see, there’s also the option to transfer outside of your species and continue as a different entity.

            Human: Isn’t that reincarnation?

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Nah, that’s after you died this go-around, and actually falls under “Subscription Renewal.”  This transfer would happen now, during your current life.  Just – boom, different creature, carry on.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that one.  Yes, I’ll take that option, please.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, then!  (Sounds of lifting a heavy object and dropping it onto a desk) Right – (Sounds of flipping through pages in a very large book) I can start at the beginning and keep reading names of animals, plants, bacteria, etc. until you tell me to stop, or if you have an idea of what you would like to become I can go to that category and –

            Human: Icarus.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Eh?

          Human: Blue supergiant star in the MACS J1149+2223 galaxy.  Farthest observed star from this planet, so likelihood of my kind getting their dirty hands on it anytime soon are slim.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, you seem to have given this a lot of thought, but what’s observed is over nine billion years old so that star is probably a black hole by now.

          Human: Oh yes, of course, what a fundamental error.  Very well, then – Proxima Centauri should do instead: a little too close to Earth for comfort, but can’t be too choosy.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Back to rifling through papers) You actually can’t be transferred into something that already exists.

           Human: Why not?  Matter and energy never are created or destroyed anyway, they just get shuffled around a bit.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: But this is something that currently exists in that specific form, so your essence can’t be added on top of it.

            Human: I concede the point.  Could you make me into a brand new star then?

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Umm, I don’t know if that’s ever been done before….

            Human: First time for everything.  I’m sure there must be some nebula out there, on the verge of emerging into starhood as we speak.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: It actually takes about 10 million years to –

         Human: Just make me a star, or an asteroid, or dark matter for all I care!  Get me out of Humanity and off this planet forever, please!

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, OK – (Sounds of typing) There’s one out there ready to go, and it’s so many billions of light years away from Earth that the Hubble Space Telescope won’t even see it for ages – I can cancel your subscription and send you there right now, or set an appointment for a few days or weeks from now so you can get your affairs on Earth in order first?

           Human: My affairs mean nothing to no one, least of all me.  Do it now, please.  And thank you – you’ve been most helpful.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: (Typing) Anytime!  And… done!... Hello?  Oh right, they’re a star now.  (Disconnects the call) Too bad I can’t send them the survey – that was some of my best work.