Automated
Phone Line: Hello, and thank you for calling Humanity, central office. To properly direct your call, please select
from the following options: for – Guidance With Existential Issues – press 1;
for – Venting About Injustice – press 2; for – Suggestions on Adapting to
Overpopulation – press 3; for – Feedback From the Flora and the Fauna – press 4;
for – Your Place in the Universe – press 5; for – Subscription Management –
press 6; for – (“6” is pressed) OK, you selected – Subscription Management – is
that correct? Press 1 for “Yes,” or
press 2 for – (“1” is pressed) One moment please – (♪♪♪) For – Assistance With Starting a New
Life of Service to Others – press 1; for – A List of Reasons Not to Burn It All
Down – press 2; for – Subscription Renewal – press 3; for – Subscription
Cancellation – press 4; for – (“4” is pressed) One moment please. (Ringing tone for almost 10 seconds)
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: He-hello?
This is Subscription Cancellation – do you actually need my assistance?
Human:
Hello, yes, I would like to cancel my subscription to Humanity, please. However, if I need to wait four to six weeks
for that to be processed, I completely understand.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, it’s just that – no one ever selects
this extension, so I just want to make sure you… picked the right one?
Human:
Of course. Humanity is of no further use
to me and I wish to cancel my subscription to it, if you please. To put it bluntly, I’m done with the whole
thing and I want out of the species.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Um… (Sounds of rifling through papers) you
see, the thing is, no one’s dialed this extension since I started here, so I’ve
never actually done one of these before.
I mostly field the Burn-It-All-Down calls, which can get pretty intense.
Human:
I can imagine. I almost selected that one
myself just now, but I always like to hear what my options are on these things
and this one seemed much more applicable to my situation.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Oh. OK.
Human:
You see, I don’t really want us all to go out in a fiery inferno – I supposed
there’s a modicum of hope left for some of us, and that scenario’d be
completely unfair to the innocents and all the other non-human lifeforms on Earth
who’d get swept up in it through no fault of their own.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Yeah, that’s usually the angle I take.
Human:
So I thought, this is my decision, I should be the only one affected by
it, right?
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Oh yeah, right.
Human:
So, there it is. No more Humanity for me,
I thank you.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, right, let’s see… (More rifling
through papers) OK, got it! You have the
option of cancelling your subscription to Humanity but still remain human
– just no further interaction with other members of your species, ever again.
Human:
Ooh, I’d like that.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: That package also includes instantaneous
relocation to a remote part of the planet where your impact on your
surroundings would be minimal to nil: you would have no electricity and no
direct access to food, water, or shelter other than what you can get for
yourself, but considering that you probably would be sent to Antarctica, that
part is next-to-impossible for your species without outside assistance from
your fellows.
Human:
Oh. Um….
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Oh! I just
found a report from the last human who cancelled their subscription, about 375
years ago…. Uh-yep, they died from exposure in about a week, but they were a
bit hardier back in those days, know-what-I-mean?
Human:
Hm. I kind of was hoping I could just
stay home all day and no one would bother me.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: (More rifling through papers) Let’s see, there’s
also the option to transfer outside of your species and continue as a
different entity.
Human:
Isn’t that reincarnation?
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Nah, that’s after you died this
go-around, and actually falls under “Subscription Renewal.” This transfer would happen now, during your
current life. Just – boom, different creature,
carry on.
Human:
Ooh, I’d like that one. Yes, I’ll take
that option, please.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: OK, then!
(Sounds of lifting a heavy object and dropping it onto a desk) Right – (Sounds
of flipping through pages in a very large book) I can start at the beginning
and keep reading names of animals, plants, bacteria, etc. until you tell me to
stop, or if you have an idea of what you would like to become I can go to that
category and –
Human:
Icarus.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Eh?
Human:
Blue supergiant star in the MACS J1149+2223 galaxy. Farthest observed star from this planet, so
likelihood of my kind getting their dirty hands on it anytime soon are slim.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Um, you seem to have given this a lot of
thought, but what’s observed is over nine billion years old so that star is probably
a black hole by now.
Human:
Oh yes, of course, what a fundamental error.
Very well, then – Proxima Centauri should do instead: a little too close
to Earth for comfort, but can’t be too choosy.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Um… (Back to rifling through papers) You
actually can’t be transferred into something that already exists.
Human:
Why not? Matter and energy never are
created or destroyed anyway, they just get shuffled around a bit.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: But this is something that currently exists in
that specific form, so your essence can’t be added on top of it.
Human:
I concede the point. Could you make me
into a brand new star then?
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: Umm, I don’t know if that’s ever been done
before….
Human:
First time for everything. I’m sure
there must be some nebula out there, on the verge of emerging into starhood as
we speak.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: It actually takes about 10 million years to –
Human:
Just make me a star, or an asteroid, or dark matter for all I care! Get me out of Humanity and off this planet
forever, please!
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: OK, OK – (Sounds of typing) There’s one out
there ready to go, and it’s so many billions of light years away from Earth that
the Hubble Space Telescope won’t even see it for ages – I can cancel your
subscription and send you there right now, or set an appointment for a few days
or weeks from now so you can get your affairs on Earth in order first?
Human:
My affairs mean nothing to no one, least of all me. Do it now, please. And thank you – you’ve been most helpful.
Humanity
Customer Service Representative: (Typing) Anytime! And… done!... Hello? Oh right, they’re a star now. (Disconnects the call) Too bad I can’t send them
the survey – that was some of my best work.
