(Friend
1 sits at an office desk, surrounded by piles of paper and files holding more
paper; Coworker approaches the desk)
Coworker:
Hey – got a minute?
Friend
1: No! What is it?!
Coworker:
Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.
(Drops a new pile of paper onto the one empty spot on the desk and
leaves)
Friend
1: (Yelling at Coworker’s retreating back) They need to let me know which ASAP
project they want done first! (Turns
back to the piles and starts to sink forward onto the nearest one when the cell
phone rings; answers) Hi, I could use a two-second break, what’s up?
Friend
2: I need to cancel for tonight: my niece’s birthday dinner got moved to today. Can we meet up later this week?
Friend
1: (Starts moving piles from one place to another and intermingling them) Yeah –
sure – that’s fine – I’m free whenever – just let me know –
Friend
2: Is work bad today?
Friend
1: “Bad” and “today” don’t begin to describe it. Have you ever been slowly buried alive by
flat pieces of dead trees?
Friend
2: I used to be, but I thought we were in the digital age now.
Friend
1: That’s the great lie. But it wouldn’t
matter anyway: the projects behind them all remain, and I have to complete
every last one of them simultaneously two months ago.
Friend
2: Ouch. Well, do the best you can.
Friend
1: Ha! “Best” took a back seat to “barely
passable” years ago; I’m surprised I haven’t been fired by now.
Friend
2: You probably won’t be – you’re the only one left in your department.
Friend
1: I suppose.
Friend
2: Trust me: short of murder, there’s really nothing you could do that would
get you fired at this point, if only for the fact that they’d have no idea how
to train the next person since the only one who knew how to do anything there
was you. So really, the world won’t end
if you don’t finish a project or two or 10 in the time they said they
wanted it.
Friend
1: I don’t understand.
Friend
2: Well you understand “don’t,” so you do!
Friend
1: What?
Friend
2: Just do what you can, and whatever you don’t do now will get done
eventually, and the world won’t end if it doesn’t.
Friend
1: It won’t?
Friend
2: …Yes. We’ll all still be here and the
Earth will continue rotating around the Sun as it has been for quite some time. And now I’ve gotta go – bye! (Disconnects the call)
Friend
1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the piles) The world won’t end, eh?
THE NEXT DAY
(Coworker
approaches Friend 1’s desk)
Coworker:
Hey – got a minute?
Friend
1: (Wearing summer casual clothes, sitting on a beach chair, and listening to
ocean waves on a stereo) I have all the minutes. What’s up?
Coworker:
Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.
(Drops a pile of paper onto the empty desk) Hey – you got all that other
stuff done?
Friend
1: Nope. (Sips lemonade and props sandaled
feet onto the desk) They will be attended to, all in good time – as will this
latest monstrosity. (Points to the pile
with one sandaled foot)
Coworker:
Oh. Need any help? Not that I can give you any – I’m just trying
to be superficially nice.
Friend
1: (Slurps the rest of the drink) Nope again!
I’ll get to it when I get to it: the world won’t end if I don’t finish
it in five seconds, or if a deadline’s missed, or the company loses money, or
we fail an inspection, or –
Coworker:
Oh wow, you’re really reached that point, huh?
I’m jealous. (Leaves)
Friend
1: (Opens a cabinet drawer and dumps the new pile of paper into it, then pulls
out a different pile to work on, slowly and steadily) It only took me 20 years
to reach it….
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend
1 sorts through mail at home)
Friend
1: Ah yes, this bill’s right on time.
(Opens the envelope and winces) Bit higher this month. Due when?... Hm, usually get a few weeks’
leeway, right? The world won’t end if I
don’t pay it exactly by the due date, right?
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend
1 and Friend 2 are having dinner in a restaurant)
Friend
2: So they understood why I didn’t have my gift for her that night since they’re
the ones who moved the party, but I still felt bad showing up empty-handed, you
know?
Friend
1: (Sampling from three plates of entrees and five different drinks) Why? World didn’t end, right?
Friend
2: (Stares at the array of plates and glasses on the table) I think you took my
advice the other day a little too much to heart.
Friend
1: (Mouth full of French fries) Au contraire!
I didn’t take them to heart enough!
(Shouts over shoulder) Garçon!
Bring on the dessert tray!
Server:
(Speedily wheels over a sampler platter) You actually get two free ones –
Friend
1: Splendid! I’ll take them all! (Server speedily wheels away) To go! (To Friend 2) I have some
self-control.
Friend
2: Yes, I can see that.
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend
1 walks along the beach and steps on a broken shell)
Friend
1: Ouchie! (Picks shell out of foot) Son
of a – (Stops) No: this is not a disaster, the world won’t end if I just keep
on walking and pretend this never happened.
(Tosses the shell into the waves and slightly limps onward)
Beachgoer:
(Runs to Friend 1 and holds out a sealed antiseptic wipe) Here – I’m a dad, and
you don’t want to let that sit for too long, trust me.
Friend
1: I appreciate the gesture, but the world won’t end if I let Nature cleanse my
momentary interruption.
Beachgoer:
I guess, but you might be in it with one less foot.
Friend
1: …Point taken. (Accepts the wipe)
THE NEXT DAY
Friend
1: (Working through a pile of paper while on the office phone) I hear your
concern, but the world won’t end if this doesn’t get done by today, am-I-right?...
Yes, that certainly does put everything into perspective, doesn’t it,
bye-bye. (Hangs up and addresses the
paper) Now, where were we, my lovelies?
(Presses “Play” on the stereo so the ocean waves resume) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh:
my favorite part. (Alerts start going
off on the office computers and on everyone’s cell phones; employees start
freaking out and running off; Friend 1 hums while filing the current pile and
preparing to start on the next one when the cell phone rings; answers) Allo-allo-allo?
Friend
2: Did you hear what’s going on?!
Friend
1: No, but you sound a bit agitated about it.
Friend
2: That’s the understatement of the eon!
So that asteroid that’s been coming this way and everyone thought would
pass us by, got affected by all the other planets’ gravity when it entered our
solar system and now it’s headed straight for us! By this time tomorrow, we’ll be toast!
Friend
1: I doubt it – can’t some nukes just vaporize it or turn it into a black hole
or something?
Friend
2: IT’S BIGGER THAN THE EARTH!!!!
Friend
1: Oh. Well, the world won’t end if –
oh.
Friend
2: I’m calling the rest of my family now – good-bye forever! (Disconnects the call)
Friend
1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the pile of paper, then at the now-empty
office) That advice certainly came at the perfect time in my life. Decades later than I’d’ve liked, but better
late than never, right?
Right?
