(In
the lobby of a restaurant)
Friend
1: … and so I said, “Too bad for you, should’ve bought 20 rolls like I
did when you had the chance, sucker!”
Friend
2: That’s… not funny.
Friend
1: Yeah, they didn’t think so either.
(A
restaurant employee emerges from the kitchen with packages and hands them to Friends
1 and 2)
Employee:
(Voice muffled by a face shield and mask) Here you go – sorry for the wait, I
know you have to get home soon.
Friend
2: That’s all ri –
Friend
1: Darn tootin’-thanks-bye! (Grabs both
packages, runs out the door, and starts the car as Friend 2 gets in)
Friend
2: That was a bit rude.
Friend
1: (Reverses out of the parking spot at high speed and peels out of the lot)
Curfews know no manners!
Friend
2: What? And anyway, you’re the
one who took forever to pick a place to order from; I could’ve just made us
something in half the time!
Friend
1: (Bites into a sandwich while swerving off the highway onto a side street)
Not this deliciously fried, you couldn’t.
`Sides, we’ve got plenty of – (Glances at the clock radio) um, let me
speed this up a little. (Floors the
accelerator more)
Friend
2: Slow down, you’re gonna get us into an accident!
Friend
1: (Gripping the steering wheel, hunched forward, eyes blazing) I’ve never been
in an accident in my entire life!
Friend
2: Really? That’s pretty impressive.
Friend
1: Thank you. (Sees railroad crossing
lights flash up ahead and the gates start to lower) Oh no you don’t! (Accelerates faster)
Friend
2: Slow down!
Friend
1: We’ll make it!
Friend
2: Slow down right now!
Friend
1: I SAID WE’LL MAKE IT! Oh never mind,
they’re down. (Slams on the brakes; both
occupants lurch forward as the car’s front bumper kisses the gate)
Friend
2: That was too close.
Friend
1: Nonsense – if it’d been a grenade, then that would’ve been too
close. (Peers over the steering wheel to
look up and down the tracks) Ugh, hate this crossing; train’s probably still at
the station and we’re stuck waiting half a mile away when we could’ve kept
going until it started moving again.
(Looks both ways again, then slowly starts to swerve around the gate)
Let’s see….
Friend
2: (Grabs the steering wheel to swerve the car back) Don’t you dare! (The train passes them noisily) See!
Friend
1: Sneaky little scamp. (The gates lift
and Friend 1 accelerates at high speed, pointing at the clock radio) Look at
that! Way late, all because of a stupid
train!
Friend
2: Not really that late; I doubt – (Sees flashing lights in the rearview
mirror) Uh-oh.
Friend
1: (Looks in the rearview mirror) Oh come on!
I’ve never been pulled over in my entire life!
Friend
2: Now I know you’re lying.
Friend
1: You’re just jealous.
(They
pull over and wait for the police officers to approach)
Police
Officer: License and registration.
Friend
1: Here you go. (Places them in the
Police Officer’s gloved hand)
Police
Officer: (Gives them to partner to check) You know you two are out past curfew?
Friend
1: Oh yes, Officer, but you see – (Uses two fingers to pull a badge out from a
coat pocket and hand it over) I work at a hospital.
Police
Officer: (Examining badge) Well then, let us give you an escort there.
Friend
1: Oh, that’s not – (Friend 2 pinches Friend 1’s arm) toooo inconvenient for
you?
Police
Officer: Not at all; it’s in the area.
(Partner hands back the license and registration and whispers in the other’s
ear; Police Officer hands them back to Friend 1) Congratulations on never
having had an accident or being pulled over before, by the way.
Friend
1: Awesome. (Waits for them to get back
into their car before slowly driving back onto the main road)
Friend
2: Why didn’t you just tell them we got stuck with the food and the train?
Friend
1: That’s too convoluted; it sounds shady.
Friend
2: Still, I can’t believe you just lied TO THE POLICE!
Friend
1: I didn’t lie! I do work at the
hospital.
Friend
2: You work days! In Admitting!
Friend
1: Don’t be a snob; we’re all part of the same team.
Friend
2: Whatever; you still weren’t on your way to work now!
Friend
1: Is it my fault they took it that way?
We’ll just have to go inside for 10 minutes or so, and if we get stopped
again we can say we just ended our shift there.
Friend
2: You can say whatever you want; I’m your hostage right now, so maybe I’ll say
that.
Friend
1: If it pleases you.
(They
park in the hospital lot and meet the police officers at the entrance)
Police
Officer: (To Friend 1) So, which department do you work in?
Friend
1: Admitting… in the Emergency Department.
Police
Officer: Oh good, that’s right here.
Friend
1: Indeed it is.
Friend
2: (Muttering to Friend 1) Can you admit me right now? What am I gonna tell them, that I’m just
gonna sit here for eight hours until your shift ends?!
Friend
1: You’re a very dedicated friend.
(They
enter and approach the front desk)
Welcome
Ambassador: (To Friend 1) Oh hey, what are you doing here at this time
of –
Friend
1: Yeah that’s great see ya! (Uses badge
to enter the Emergency Department; the other three wait at those doors while Friend
1 rushes ahead to one of the physicians at the main desk) Hey doc, really quick
–
Physician:
Oh hey, what are you doing here at this time of –
Friend
1: No time for that: got stuck out past curfew, can you tell those two cops
over there that I didn’t have to come in tonight?
Physician:
But you don’t work in this department.
Friend
1: (Through gritted teeth) Doc!
Physician:
Oh, gotcha. (They walk over to the other
three) Hello, I was just telling this team member they didn’t have to come in
tonight.
Friend
1: Aw nuts, and I got pulled over and everything!
Police
Officer: Too bad about the wasted trip.
You live far away from here?
Friend
1: Less than 10 minutes.
Physician:
Wow. I commute almost an hour each way.
Police
Officer: We appreciate everything you do, Doctor. (To Friend 1) You shouldn’t get stopped
again, but give them my badge number to call me if you do on the way home; we
have to get back to our rounds. (To Friend
2) You two live together?
Friend
2: I guess tonight we do.
Police
Officer: Smart move.
(All
four walk back to the parking lot and drive away in their respective cars)
Friend
2: I can’t believe you asked that nice doctor to lie for you.
Friend
1: It was not a lie, how many times do I have to – (Loud noise as the
right rear tire blows out) Oh for the love of Peter and Paul!
(They
pull over and both get out of the car; Friend 1 kicks the flat tire a few
times)
Friend
2: Don’t you have a spare?
Friend
1: This is the spare!
Friend
2: You really are hopeless.
Friend
1: (Trying cell phone) And of course the battery’s dead!
Friend
2: You have a charger?
Friend
1: At home, because we weren’t going to be out this late! Can I use your phone?
Friend
2: I… forgot to bring it.
Friend
1: Well that’s a set of conveniently inconvenient circumstances! (Turns to the nearest house and walks up the
front steps; no lights are on, inside or outside)
Friend
2: (Scrambling up the steps behind Friend 1) What are you doing?! It could be the plague house in there!
Friend
1: (Bangs on the front door) I don’t see a giant red cross on the door, do you?
Friend
2: Fine; then they could just be plain old psychopaths.
Friend
1: Nothing ventured!
(The
door opens)
Occupant:
(Stares at them warily from the darkened interior) What’s the password?
Friend
1: What?
Occupant:
Eh – close enough. (Drags them both
inside, kicks the door closed, and shoves them down the basement stairs; they
stop midway and see a brightly lit rave is being held there)
Friend
2: What on Earth is this?!
Occupant:
(Rushes past them to grab drinks from the DJ playing at a bar) Welcome to the
party, dudes! We’re not letting The Man
tell us not to gather in groups of 10 or more!
Group
of More Than 10: No, sir!
Occupant:
(Holds out two drinks to Friends 1 and 2) Shots?
Friend
1: While I admire your spirit and sense of hospitality, we’ll just enjoy your public
statement from our spot way over here.
(To Friend 2) Got a ruler on you?
I can’t tell how far away 6 feet is.
Friend
2: (Holding one hand over mouth and nose) Not far enough away from you! (Turns to run upstairs right as the front
door bursts open; a figure in a hazmat suit appears at the top of the stairs)
Hazmat
Suit 1: Police! This is a stupid-people
raid!
Group
of More Than 10: Aaahhh!!! It’s The Man!
(A
loud record scratch is heard as everyone below lunges for the tiny basement
windows to crawl out; more police in hazmat suits run past Friends 1 and 2 to
corral the partygoers)
Occupant:
(Hauled away while still holding the shot glasses) Cool, this really is
The Roaring 20s all over again.
(Friends
1’s and 2’s shoulders each get a hazmat glove clamped on them)
Hazmat
Suit 2: You’re coming with us.
Friend
1: Is it to the hospital? (Pulls out
badge) `Cause I work there –
Friend
2: Oh knock it off!
(In
the back of a squad car, Friends 1 and 2 sit on plastic sheeting and are
wearing masks)
Friend
1: You think they’ll let me call a mechanic to fix my tire by the time they let
us out? (Friend 2 glares) Just saying,
could’ve had it done by now if you’d brought your phone.
Friend
2: Don’t breathe in my direction. (Turns
away to stare out the window)
Friend
1: (Turns to stare out the other window) This is the worst birthday ever.
