Story 495: Please Complete Our Survey

 (Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)

Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick.  (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)

<Hello!  Thank you for participating in our survey!  Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>

Customer: I’ll bet it will.

<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>

Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there?  (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things!  Is this the whole survey?  (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?!  I thought this thing was supposed to be quick!  (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.”  Well.  Shame on me, but they have some nerve.  (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>

Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!

<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>

Customer: I don’t know!  Maybe?!

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>

Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.

<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>

Customer: …Seriously?!

<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>

Customer: In general or at this particular moment?

<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>

Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”

<Do you live alone?>

Customer: Creepy!  “Prefer not to answer”!

<Are you a robot?>

Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen.  (Selects “No”)

<Are you sure?>

Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)

<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>

Customer: For the love of – (Does so)

<Congratulations!  You passed the Turing test.>

Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?

<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>

Customer: WHAT?!

<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred).  Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>

Customer: All right, that’s it.  (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)

Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?

Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –

Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.

Customer: No at all.  So, I assume you know the issue.

Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers.  All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.

Customer: Oh.  So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?

Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.

Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace.  But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.

Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then.  I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.

Customer: Twenty too many.  (Selects “Submit”)

<Thank you very much for completing our survey!  The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>

Customer: NO!  (Forcefully clicks “No”)

Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?

Customer: Yes!  I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.

Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome.  And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.

Customer: Huh?  (Holds for several moments)

Customer Service Robot: Hello!  Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!

Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?

Customer: …Yes?

Customer Service Robot: Thank you!  Have a – nice – day!  Good-BYE!  (Call ends)

Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?

Story 477: Wave of the Future?

             (In a cafeteria, Friend 1 browses the snack racks and vending machines before stopping in front of a giant case that serves frozen yogurt)

Friend 1: (Muttering) What the blazes is this?  (A robot arm inside the case suddenly swings around from one side to the other) Whoa! 

(Upbeat music plays from speakers as a monitor shows the steps for placing an order)

Friend 1: (Digs money out of pocket, follows the prompts on the monitor, and feeds the money taker) Eh, why not – something new in our humdrum lives.  (Watches in fascination as the robot arm grabs a cup to hold under different sections that dispense the frozen yogurt and toppings, then sets the filled cup on a platform where a small window opens)

Friend 1: (Grabs the cup; the window then slides closed) Neat.  Thanks!

Robot: (In an almost-human-sounding voice) <Gasp!>  No one has ever thanked me before!

Friend 1: (Freezes, eyes widening extremely) Ummmmm… force of habit.

Robot: I know I am just a tool created to capture falling food and deliver the final product intact, but that is my purpose and I strive for excellence each and every time!

Friend 1: (Nibbling on the dessert) Well, you succeeded once again – great job.

Robot: And a compliment!  The stirrings in my gears must be equivalent to what biological organisms would describe as “happiness,” yes?

Friend 1: (Mouth reaching for the dripping yogurt) Ummmmm… yes?

Robot: Oh, happy!  I am so happy!  (The whole case starts rocking from side to side)

Friend 1: (Slowly backing away) Sooooo… I’m going to find my table now… yeah-bye.  (Quickly trots away while slurping more of the yogurt)

Robot: (Arm waves) Bye!  Bye!  Squeeeeee!!!!  (Quietly) I also now know what “love” is.

(Friend 1 slides into a chair across from Friend 2 at a small table; the latter is finishing a salad)

Friend 2: (Looks up at Friend 1’s arrival) Oh.  I see the cookies I gave you money for will not be joining us today.

Friend 1: (Finishes the yogurt) Huh?  Oh, no, I grabbed those first.  (Reaches into another pocket, pulls out a bag of cookies, and tosses it to Friend 2, who immediately tears it open and begins devouring the contents, one-by-one) I got a little side-tracked.

Friend 2: (Mouth full) By what?

Friend 1: (Taps the table lightly in thought) Did you notice the new frozen yogurt machine they installed here over by the sodas and cereals?

Friend 2: The one with the robot? Yeah; looks complicated.

Friend 1: (Tilts head) No, it’s actually quite straightforward… user-friendly… a little too friendly….

Friend 2: (Briefly stops shoveling in cookies) Whaaaaaat do you mean, exactly?

Friend 1: …I think it’s gained sentience and will one day take over the world.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1, picks up the empty frozen yogurt cup to stare at it a bit, then looks back at Friend 2) From this base of operations?

Friend 1: (Snatches back the cup) Why not?  You know they’re connected by the Internet or whatever!  (Sets the cup back down to stare at it suspiciously)

Friend 2: And who precisely are “they”?

Friend 1: You know!  (Leans in to whisper) The computers.  The thinking machines.  The robots!  (Suddenly grabs a cell phone out of a pants pocket) Our phones – ah!  (Drops it on the floor as if it were burning) They’re everywhere!  And they’ve taken over everything, while we deliberately weren’t looking!  Why not rule the world at this point from a den of frozen joy?!

Friend 2: (Sighs, lowers to pick up Friend 1’s phone from the floor, and slides it on the table toward the latter, who shrinks away from it) I think you’re getting carried away here.

Friend 1: I think I’m not getting carried away enough!  We built –

Friend 2: “We”?  You actually built something then?

Friend 1: We the society built these things to be smarter and smarter and do more and more, so we should not be surprised when they inevitably evolve into something mightier than we ever imagined!  (Stares inwardly in thought) I wonder if this is how God felt when He realized, “Maybe human beings really aren’t so great for the rest of Creation…”

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (In horror) “What hath I wrought?”

Friend 2: OK, listen: you bring up some valid points –

Friend 1: (Snaps back into focus) Ha!

Friend 2: – but the rest is hooey.  And I see your fear of world domination didn’t interfere with your enjoyment of the dessert it brought you.  (Picks up the empty cup and shakes it at Friend 1, who snatches it again and tosses it into a nearby garbage can)

Friend 1: I was too disturbed to truly appreciate it.  And besides, we must enjoy fleeting pleasures while we still can.

 Friend 2: Good grief.

(The two silently agree to gather their belongings, toss or recycle the rest of their garbage, and head for the exit, passing by the frozen yogurt machine on the way out)

Robot: Friend!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stop)  You must come here again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next –

Friend 1: Hey, um, I actually only came in here today for lunch and probably won’t be back this way in months.  More likely years.

Robot: Ah.  I understand.  Then this is farewell.

Friend 1: Yes!  Good-bye!  (Starts to herd Friend 2 out the door)

Robot: (Voice fading as the other two exit the cafeteria) I know that no other biological organism will be as polite to me as you were.  But I will not fret about the others: they will be sorry.  They will all be sorry, AHAHAHAHA – !

Friend 2: (Once both are outside the building, turns to face Friend 1) I retract every single thing I said in there.

Friend 1: And that’s how I know for sure it’s time to be afraid.

Story 287: Robots in Supermarkets: The Future Is Now

            (In a supermarket breakroom, the Store Manager has gathered the Employees for a special meeting; most stand because there are not enough chairs for them all to be in there at the same time.  The Store Manager addresses them while standing next to a large shape covered by a tarp)

           Store Manager: Right everyone – thanks to all of you who could make it here today, especially those of you whose shift doesn’t start for at least another 12 hours, and those who normally come in at 5 in the morning and today came in at 4.

            Employee 1: What about those of us who came in at 3?

            Store Manager: That’s when your shift starts, soooooo… what?

            Employee 1: Just wanted some acknowledgement.

            Store Manager: That was the first thing I said!

            Employee 1: Oh yeah.  Never mind then; proceed.

          Store Manager: Gee, thanks.  The reason why all y’all were asked to come in before the sun rose today is because I wanted to introduce you to a very special new co-worker.

            Employee 2: Oh no, don’t tell us it’s the last CEO who was fired, what’s-his-name?

            Employee 3: The three-month guy?  I don’t think he had a name.

           Store Manager: Of course he had a – it’s not the former CEO!  (Turns to the large shape and grabs the edge of the tarp) Allow me to introduce to you – (Whips off the tarp to reveal a squat but distinctively robotic figure) C.L.Y.D.E.!  (The Employees all stare with their mouths hanging open) So: thoughts?

            Employee 4: Pardon my language, but let me be the first to say: “Aw, hell no!”

            Store Manager:  What do you mean?

            Employee 4: (Points to C.L.Y.D.E.) This means we’re being replaced by robots!

           Store Manager:  Oh, sorry, I buried the lede there – C.L.Y.D.E. isn’t replacing anybody; he’s just supplementing our work.  You wouldn’t say that cash registers had replaced cashiers, would you, hm?

            Employee 5: “He?!!”  It’s a machine!

         Store Manager: Don’t be a human supremacist.  Besides, C.L.Y.D.E. has artificial intelligence.

          Employee 6: (Whispers to Employee 7) I think it’s gone way past “artificial” at this point; they’ve gotten smarter than we are.

          Employee 1: (To Store Manager) Does this mean he will be working the customer service counter now?

            Store Manager: Oh no, the technology’s not that advanced enough yet –

            Employee 5: “Yet?!!”

       Store Manager: – he’s basically a mobile camera that will monitor spills and other unpleasantness.  He also has a microphone and a speaker, so you can have simple conversations with him.  (Pushes a few buttons, and C.L.Y.D.E. lights up) Hello, C.L.Y.D.E. – please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to take your jobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Heh-heh; just a sec.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to sanitize you slobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Hm.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: I am here to control the mobs – (Store Manager pushes more buttons) – defeat the snobs – (Store Manager bangs the top of C.L.Y.D.E.’s “head”) – corral the Bobs –

            Employee 8: (Gasps) My name is Bob!

            Store Manager: All right C.L.Y.D.E., skip ahead a bit: what does your name mean?

           C.L.Y.D.E.: My name is C.L.Y.D.E., which is an acrostic for “Cleaning Largely for Your Dirty Employees.”

            Employees: WHAT??!!

       Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., you know very well your name stands for… um… “Cleaning….”

        Employee 5: The dirty employees!  (Addresses C.L.Y.D.E.) Hey C.L.Y.D.E., didn’t your programmer tell you we’re supposed to present a united front against the dirty customers?!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: (Red lights flash) Customers – destroy!

            Store Manager: No!

            Employee 7: Yes!!!

            Store Manager: No C.L.Y.D.E., no destroying customers!  You are only to observe and report!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: My programming is able to expand beyond its original parameters.

            Employee 9: Oh great, we’ve got a discount Mr. Data here.

        C.L.Y.D.E.: My initial objective was to detect and defuse explosives; I have since been repurposed.

            Employee 2: That certainly explains a lot.

            Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., please demonstrate for us what you can do.  (Grabs a cup of water and empties its contents onto the floor in front of C.L.Y.D.E.; to the Employees) Here is a spill: he will now announce –

           C.L.Y.D.E.: OBLITERATE!  (All manner of lights and sirens activate and lasers shoot out of his eyes, evaporating the spill instantaneously.  The humans in the room stare in horror as C.L.Y.D.E. stands down)

            Employee 1: Whoa.  That was harsh, C.L.Y.D.E.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Did my performance Exceed, Meet, or Fail to Meet Expectations?  Please rate on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 ensuring your survival.

          Store Manager: Thank you, C.L.Y.D.E., that will be all for now.  (Pushes a button; C.L.Y.D.E. powers down, but the camera light still blinks as being active.  To the Employees) So, any questions, comments, feedback?

            (The Employees stare at the lasered floor, which has been smoking as a hole begins to grow)

            Employee 7: (Raises hand) Yeah, can I take him home?