Story 495: Please Complete Our Survey

 (Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)

Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick.  (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)

<Hello!  Thank you for participating in our survey!  Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>

Customer: I’ll bet it will.

<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>

Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there?  (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things!  Is this the whole survey?  (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?!  I thought this thing was supposed to be quick!  (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.”  Well.  Shame on me, but they have some nerve.  (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>

Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!

<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>

Customer: I don’t know!  Maybe?!

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>

Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.

<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>

Customer: …Seriously?!

<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>

Customer: In general or at this particular moment?

<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>

Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”

<Do you live alone?>

Customer: Creepy!  “Prefer not to answer”!

<Are you a robot?>

Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen.  (Selects “No”)

<Are you sure?>

Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)

<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>

Customer: For the love of – (Does so)

<Congratulations!  You passed the Turing test.>

Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?

<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>

Customer: WHAT?!

<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred).  Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>

Customer: All right, that’s it.  (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)

Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?

Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –

Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.

Customer: No at all.  So, I assume you know the issue.

Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers.  All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.

Customer: Oh.  So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?

Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.

Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace.  But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.

Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then.  I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.

Customer: Twenty too many.  (Selects “Submit”)

<Thank you very much for completing our survey!  The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>

Customer: NO!  (Forcefully clicks “No”)

Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?

Customer: Yes!  I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.

Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome.  And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.

Customer: Huh?  (Holds for several moments)

Customer Service Robot: Hello!  Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!

Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?

Customer: …Yes?

Customer Service Robot: Thank you!  Have a – nice – day!  Good-BYE!  (Call ends)

Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?

Story 227: How Do I Know When It’s Not a Scam?

            Flipping through his mail, the homeowner sorted most of the letters to the garbage and one to bills when the last piece caught his eye: “IMPORTANT: DO NOT DISCARD UNDER PENALTY OF PRISON.”

            “Ooh, prison, that’s a new one.”  He opened the envelope and read through the papers; confused, he called his father.

            “Hi there, son!  Sorry I haven’t called in ages – super busy – how’s it been?”

            “Great; listen, have you ever received a survey in the mail threatening jail time if you don’t complete it?”

            “Sounds like a scam.”

            “That’s my first instinct, but what if it isn’t and I actually do get jail time for not completing it?!”

            “Well, who’s it from?”

            “Says it’s the ----- Survey for the Department of --------.”

          “Never heard of that first one, but why don’t you go online and see if the Department of -------- really does send those things out?  There should be a phone number you can call; just don’t use the one listed on the letter.”

            “That makes perfect sense, but what if I actually retrieve a fake Web site created for the sole purpose of making this whole thing look legitimate?!”

            “Can’t help you there.”

            The homeowner spent half an hour online trying to verify that the letter came from the actual Department of -------- and still was not satisfied; he then called the number listed on their Web site.

            “Department of --------, how may I direct your call?”

           “Yes hi, I’m a concerned citizen trying to confirm whether a letter I received in the mail stating that I’ll be sent to prison if I don’t complete the ----- Survey is real?”

            “Quite real, sir – you have 60 days to complete the survey before agents are sent to arrest you for noncompliance.  The survey should only take 15 to 20 minutes of your time.”

            “That’s not the point!  Isn’t it illegal to be arrested for something so trivial?!”

            “Not when it impacts taxes, sir; plus, no one would do it otherwise.”

            “That’s baloney, just offer a gift card or something.”

            “There’s no money in the budget for several thousand gift cards every year.”

            “That’s exactly what a scammer would say!”

            “You’re the one who called us.  Sir.”

            “Yeah, and how do I know this number is really for the Department of --------, eh?  You could have created a fake Web site that people get redirected to, with a fake number to direct inquiries to, and then the trap is sprung, and I’m not falling for it!”

            “…Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?”

            “No thank you; you’ve satisfactorily answered my question, Satan!”

           He disconnected the call, uncertain how to proceed.  Should he track down an actual telephone book (if one still existed in this area of space-time) to determine the actual telephone number for the actual Department of --------?  What if the scammers had had the foresight to scam the telephone book publisher, too?  There was no way to know for certain what in life was real.

           Later that day, he completed the survey – never mind the threat of prison, he just could not face the thought of receiving reminder letters for this over and over again.