Thursday, June 8, 2023

Story 495: Please Complete Our Survey

 (Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)

Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick.  (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)

<Hello!  Thank you for participating in our survey!  Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>

Customer: I’ll bet it will.

<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>

Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there?  (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things!  Is this the whole survey?  (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?!  I thought this thing was supposed to be quick!  (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.”  Well.  Shame on me, but they have some nerve.  (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>

Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!

<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>

Customer: I don’t know!  Maybe?!

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>

Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.

<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>

Customer: …Seriously?!

<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>

Customer: In general or at this particular moment?

<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>

Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”

<Do you live alone?>

Customer: Creepy!  “Prefer not to answer”!

<Are you a robot?>

Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen.  (Selects “No”)

<Are you sure?>

Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)

<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>

Customer: For the love of – (Does so)

<Congratulations!  You passed the Turing test.>

Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?

<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>

Customer: WHAT?!

<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred).  Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>

Customer: All right, that’s it.  (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)

Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?

Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –

Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.

Customer: No at all.  So, I assume you know the issue.

Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers.  All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.

Customer: Oh.  So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?

Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.

Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace.  But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.

Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then.  I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.

Customer: Twenty too many.  (Selects “Submit”)

<Thank you very much for completing our survey!  The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>

Customer: NO!  (Forcefully clicks “No”)

Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?

Customer: Yes!  I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.

Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome.  And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.

Customer: Huh?  (Holds for several moments)

Customer Service Robot: Hello!  Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!

Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?

Customer: …Yes?

Customer Service Robot: Thank you!  Have a – nice – day!  Good-BYE!  (Call ends)

Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?

2 comments:

  1. That was really on point. I never do surveys or review items that I have purchased.

    ReplyDelete