(Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)
Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick. (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)
<Hello! Thank you for participating in our survey! Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>
Customer: I’ll bet it will.
<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>
Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there? (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things! Is this the whole survey? (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?! I thought this thing was supposed to be quick! (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.” Well. Shame on me, but they have some nerve. (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)
<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>
Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!
<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>
Customer: I don’t know! Maybe?!
<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>
Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.
<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>
Customer: …Seriously?!
<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>
Customer: In general or at this particular moment?
<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>
Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”
<Do you live alone?>
Customer: Creepy! “Prefer not to answer”!
<Are you a robot?>
Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen. (Selects “No”)
<Are you sure?>
Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)
<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>
Customer: For the love of – (Does so)
<Congratulations! You passed the Turing test.>
Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?
<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>
Customer: WHAT?!
<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred). Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>
Customer: All right, that’s it. (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)
Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?
Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –
Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.
Customer: No at all. So, I assume you know the issue.
Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers. All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.
Customer: Oh. So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?
Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.
Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace. But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.
Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then. I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.
Customer: Twenty too many. (Selects “Submit”)
<Thank you very much for completing our survey! The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>
Customer: NO! (Forcefully clicks “No”)
Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?
Customer: Yes! I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.
Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.
Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome. And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.
Customer: Huh? (Holds for several moments)
Customer Service Robot: Hello! Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!
Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?
Customer: …Yes?
Customer Service Robot: Thank you! Have a – nice – day! Good-BYE! (Call ends)
Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?
That was really on point. I never do surveys or review items that I have purchased.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much!
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