Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

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Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

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(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]

Story 341: Pitfalls in Collaboration

[Inspired by The Metropolitan Opera and its recent Nightly Opera Streams at www.metopera.org]

            (In an office, an opera house’s Artistic Director sits at a desk facing Composer and Librettist)

            Artistic Director: All right, you two: when I commissioned you to create the best opera ever, I meant I wanted one where the audience will laugh, cry, roar, and swoon, preferably in that order.  And instead, I’m getting a half-completed work that makes me want to chuck the entire orchestra at you.  What in the name of bel canto’s going on?!

            Composer: First of all – did you hear the music yet?

            Librettist: (Slumps in the chair) Ugh, here we go.

          Composer: (To Artistic Director) I would like to take this moment to emphasize that my portion of this work is done, by the way – I even finished the orchestration months ago.

            Artistic Director: Then why are you two telling me it’s not done?

          Librettist: (Rolls eyes) Somebody feels that the lyrics need to “match the tone set by the music,” whatever that means.

            Artistic Director: It means the lyrics should convey the same themes as the music.

            Librettist: I know what it means!                                      

            Artistic Director: What?

         Librettist: My libretto is perfect as it is; it’s based off the book you – (Points to Artistic Director) chose, and it’s got everything you could ever want: hot people in love, random shenanigans, loud misunderstandings that go on for hours, and societal rebels refusing to live lives of oppressive regular salaries, so I fail to see what the problem is.

            Composer: (To Artistic Director) OK, first: you’ve heard the music?

            Artistic Director: Yes, we’ve established that.

            Composer: And you’ve noted how absolutely glorious it is?

           Artistic Director: Well, a tear or two did threaten, and my heart struggled to beat a few times, so I think it’s safe to say that “glorious” is an acceptable adjective.

         Composer: Thank you.  Now, with that in mind: have you read the lyrics set to this awe-inspiring masterpiece of sound?

            Artistic Director: Well, sort-of – it’s been hard to keep up with all the revisions.

            Composer: (Flips through pages of the score) Uh-huh, uh-huh – OK, here’s the latest from Act 1, the aria I wrote for the lead tenor.  (Hands a few pages to the Artistic Director) Note the soaring strings that sound like grown human beings weeping?

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages) Oh yes, I like this one a lot.

            Composer: Uh-huh – and do you see the words paired with these sublime notes?

            Artistic Director: (Reads some more) He’s talking about what he does during his day?

            Composer: Yes!  He soars to the heavens about going out to pick up the newspaper!

            Librettist: What’s your point?

            Artistic Director: It does seem a bit trivial for such majestic instrumentation.

            Composer: Thank you!

         Librettist: What do you expect?  It’s a day in the life – the whole thing’s populated with mooning adult children living in self-inflicted poverty and falling in love with completely incompatible randos – Billy Shakespeare wrote reams on the same subjects, and everybody loved him for it!

            Composer: His words were divine poetry!  Yours don’t even rhyme!

            Librettist: Most of the audience members don’t even speak the language I’m writing in – they just want it to sound good.

            Composer: They’ll know when they read the subtitles that it’s all trite!   Here – (Flips through more pages and hands a bunch to Artistic Director) love duet in Act 2.  Tell me what you think.

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages, humming the notes of a romantic tune, then stops) Wait, do these two people even know each other?

            Composer: They just met in Act 1!  Which took place 20 minutes earlier!

          Librettist: Duh, it’s called “Love at first sight,” haven’t you ever heard of a little something called Romeo and Juliet?

           Artistic Director: You really should stop comparing yourself to an icon; it never works out in your favor.

            Librettist: Noted.

          Composer: My point is, I wrote that piece for two lovers who have the intimacy that comes from shared years and memories, and this one – (Points thumb at Librettist) has them gibbering on about how the Sun looks a tad peaked, and ooh, isn’t that a fine rock over there, and oh, what’s your name again?!

            Librettist: All issues that plague the common folk.

           Artistic Director: Hm.  I have to admit, for a transcendent work of art, the stakes here are really low.

           Composer: You have no idea: in Act 3, they have an argument for half an hour over who broke up with the other first, when it turns out they cheated on each for no reason!

            Librettist: Everyone likes a good “Will they or won’t they?” popping up a few times during a story; keeps things fresh.

            Composer: It’s smothering my score!

           Artistic Director: (Hands papers back to the Composer) I have to agree: unless this is a flat-out farce, the audience won’t connect with the characters if they just dither on about who they should dance with, or whether they should stick with the rich lord or the penniless artist when the answer clearly is “Neither,” or what hat they should wear today – they want war; they want royal executions; they want gods and goddesses loudly interfering with mortals’ destines; all that rubbish.

             Librettist: (Sighs dramatically) Fine – you want me to kill one of the lovebirds at the end or something like that?  Give a nice air of tragedy to the whole thing?

            Artistic Director: Ooh, there’s a thought: killing one or both of the romantic leads usually does the trick; it elevates pretty much anything from boring banality to the existential futility of life, with very minimal effort.

            Composer: But if you kill `em off at the end, no one’s gonna know that the whole thing was poetically tragic until the end!

         Librettist: Argh, all right, I’ll give one of them something consistently debilitating, like consumption – that way the singer’ll be stage-coughing throughout so everyone watching’ll know something’s up, happy?

            Composer: Only as long as they don’t upstage the first violins.

            Artistic Director: So it’s settled, then: give just the soprano consumption and throw in some lines about how frail she looks, and then the leads can sing their hearts out about anything trivial they want since life is so fleeting and pointless, and also have the tenor freak out at the end when she dies so the grand finale of cymbals crashing and horns blaring and drums exploding all makes sense, and I can see the audience’s flowing tears now, ahahahaha!

            Librettist: …Sure, I can whip something up.  (To Composer) This mean you’ll shut up about the lyrics now?

          Composer: Would you at least consider throwing in a regicide or people’s uprising while you’re at it?  I really feel like those subjects are more in scale with my work.

            Librettist: Just tell the singers to be coloratura and leggiero to the max, and no one will notice what they’re really talking about.