Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

1.5M subscribers

Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

3.7M views

157, 694 likes

2,813 Comments

(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]

Story 233: The Lone Honest Film Critic

            Interviewer: (Seated at a table, facing the camera) Welcome, movie lovers.  Today, our guest is someone with whom all of you should be familiar: she is the one whose taglines appear at the top of every poster of the films that matter, and even of those that do not, and whose reviews take up five pages of newsprint or, equivalently, 10 minutes of scrolling down the screen.  The sole, the unique voice in all of film-reviewer land: Veracity Von Impartial.   (Interviewer and camera turn to her, seated at the opposite side of the table) Thank you for joining us today.

            Veracity: Thank you – it’s a duty but also a mild pleasure.

           Interviewer: For those in our audience who are not familiar with your work: you, in essence, write film reviews that are honest.

            Veracity: (Nods) Yes.

            Interviewer: Not disingenuously praiseworthy, not unnecessarily cruel, just – honest.

            Veracity: Exactly.

            Interviewer: Please elaborate for us, on your methodology.

           Veracity: (Shifts in her seat as she warms to her subject) You see, there are so many reviews out there that… over-emphasize the good in a particular film while ignoring the bad.  And, conversely, there are so many reviews that… dwell upon the bad while disregarding the good, usually for the reviewer to, and I hate to sound like I’m betraying my peers, usually to demonstrate their own writing skills that they think they have.

            Interviewer: (Nods vigorously) Oh yes, we know those.

           Veracity: In all that chaos, I uncovered a need: a need, for the movie-going public, to be told the truth about a film so they can make an informed decision on whether to invest their precious time, their hard-earned income, and/or their uncomfortable date night on it.  The bottom line is, and you’ve heard this before from me, there is no film so good as to be “The Best Film of the Year.”  That’s your opinion, maybe.  Or, “The Best Such-and-Such of the Entire Series!”  (Shrugs) How do you know?  Is the series over yet?  You don’t know if that one will continue to be the best.

            Interviewer: (Shakes head) You don’t know.

        Veracity: In some reviews of series, I have been compelled to write along the lines of: “Entertaining – But the Last One Was Better Overall.”  Or: “A Weak Entry, With Exciting Action Sequences.”  Or even: “Enjoyment Equal to Parts 1, 4, 7, and 12.”

            Interviewer: I remember those.

            Veracity: And on the flip side, I have yet to see a film that has not one redeeming feature in it.  There is no film so bad, where I can neglect my duty in communicating to the audience that “The Costumes Were Historically Accurate,” or “Contains a Realistic Depiction of Ennui,” or “The Special Effects Were Sufficient to Overcome the Lack of Plot,” or, now I remember, “The Lead Compensated for the Deficiencies of the Rest of the Cast.”

            Interviewer: (Looks through papers) There was one film, which we won’t name but probably almost everyone here and watching at home can figure out which, that was universally panned when it was released.

            Veracity: Oh yes.

          Interviewer: And I mean panned: I’m not exaggerating when I say that everyone had something negative to say about it: the reviewers, the audience, the cast, the crew, the screenwriters, the producers, the studio – it was an unnatural disaster.  However, suddenly, one good review appeared, which stated: (Reads from paper) “This is the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life and the rest of you can all go to – ” I won’t read the rest.

            Veracity: Mm-hm.

            Interviewer: It later was revealed that... that reviewer was the director’s mother.

            Veracity: (Quietly) Mm-hm, scandal.

        Interviewer: However, your review also stood out from all the others, in its… non-condemnation, if that’s the word I want to use?

            Veracity: That about sums it up, yes.

            Interviewer: With your permission, I’d like to quote it in its entirety.

            Veracity: Go right ahead.

          Interviewer: (Holds up a different piece of paper) Your review, on what has been decreed by nearly all of humanity as the worst film ever created in the history of the medium, is as follows: (Reads from paper) “Eh.”

          Veracity: It was not a decision I made lightly: it took a lot of soul-searching to properly express what… feeling this film evoked in me.  I can’t speak for everyone else, but I had to remain true to my beliefs and not join the rest of the world in their vitriolic snark, which was so easy for them to do in this case.

            Interviewer: So easy.

            Veracity: Yes.

            Interviewer: Because it was pretty bad.

            Veracity: So bad – and yet –

            Interviewer: Here it comes!

            Veracity: (Laughs with him and the audience) And yet – there was something about it that was still… watchable.  I felt as if everyone involved with its mistaken creation was trying to tell me something, which I just couldn’t figure out, through my own failings –

            Interviewer: It was everyone else’s failings, too.

            Veracity: – that I just could not hate it.  I couldn’t like it either, so it left me… “Eh.”

            Interviewer: One of the most… apt, descriptions, I have ever heard.

            Veracity: (Looks inwardly) Thank you; that means a lot to me.

         Interviewer: Before we go, I must ask: how did you embark on this path of honest film reviewing?

            Veracity: Well… there is no school that will teach you this.  I mean, you can learn all there is to know about effective mise-en-scène, or failed sound mixing, or when Method Acting is working and when it is the worst, or improper use of Dutch angles, or understanding the dramatic irony of a scene even when the screenwriter seemed to have missed it, but, what I do, is take all of that, and use it to uncover the heart of what the film truly is.

            Interviewer: (Nods intensely) Yes.

            Veracity: I am proud to serve my country, in informing them of what they are actually getting into when they embark upon their very personal journey into the world of a film; I’ve dedicated thousands of hours to this, and soon will be completing a tour of 24 straight when all the parts of the new Medieval Future World series are released simultaneously next month....

            Interviewer: No – I heard that absolutely no one wants to see that!  Even the trailers look… (Catches himself) poorly produced.

            Veracity: (Nods) I agree; however, the music was composed by ----- ---------, so I expect that at least to be non-grating.

            Interviewer: Thank you again for speaking with us today – and, as always, thank you for your honesty.

            Veracity: Happy to tell it like it is.