Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.

Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

1.5M subscribers

Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

3.7M views

157, 694 likes

2,813 Comments

(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]