Story 549: How to Get the Vacation You Want

            (In a break room, Director and Second Assistant Director are sprawled out on opposite ends of a couch, each reading and marking up copies of the same script)

Director: (Abruptly lowers the script) I really want to go to Fiji this year.

Second Unit Director: (Not looking up) Why?

Director: Because that’s where everyone says they want to go on vacation, so I wanna go there, too.

Second Unit Director: I’d actually rather go somewhere cold, like Reykjavík.

Director: You’re a weirdo anyway – fact is, I really wanna go on vacation somewhere that I can pretend is in its own bubble of paradise for at least four days and three nights, but I’m working back-to-back projects all the time that I can never do anything fun anymore.

Second Unit Director: Well, that pretty much comes with the territory when you advance through the filmmaking ranks to become “The Director”.

Director: Doesn’t mean I have to like it!  (There is a knock on the door) What?!

Production Assistant: (Opens the door and sticks head into the room) Boss?  DP wants to do another take of Scene 317 in five.

Director: (Coolly) You can tell “DP” that just because the word “Director” is in the title it does not mean that dictates can be made to the entire company, and also that the other word “Photography” is the one that should be minded instead!

Production Assistant: Says we’re gonna lose the light coming in from the windows in less than an hour.

Director: Oh, the light, the light!  Fine, I’ll be right out.

Production Assistant: Thanks, Boss.  (Ducks out)

Director: (To Second Unit Director) You see what I mean?  Even my work time is taken away from me for other people’s work time – (Shakes the script in emphasis) I can’t even concentrate on blocking scenes because “we’re gonna lose the light!”  (Flings away the script dramatically and flings self back onto the couch, also dramatically)

Second Unit Director: (Flips through pages of the script thoughtfully, stopping at a point) You know, those scenes that take place during the war probably need to be filmed on location.

Director: (Holds head in aggravation) Ugh, don’t remind me!  I’ve squeezed as much of the budget as I could on special effects so we could film on the soundstage, but I just know no one’s gonna buy the war bits unless they’re legitimately outdoors.  How’m I gonna transport thousands of cast, crew, and equipment on a literal shoestring?!

Second Unit Director: I dunno, but however you manage it, it probably could be filmed in Fiji.

Director: (Head pops up) Eh?

Second Unit Director: Or somewhere similarly tropical, where they don’t mind us messing up the place as long as we clean up afterward.

Director: I don’t follow: even in a new location, I’d still be overworked and undervacationed.

Second Unit Director: It’s basically a busman’s holiday: you’re working, but you’re really on vacation.  Or, you’re on vacation, but you’re really working – depends on what mood you’re in is how you’d feel about the whole thing, I suppose.

Director: (Stares off into the distance while performing mental calculations) Five days of filming… downtime for scene changes… no night shoots needed so free time then… build in two days for inevitable travel delays… this might actually work.

Second Unit Director: Of course it will: it won’t be a stress-free holiday, sure, but you’ll get your tropical paradise getaway in 10-15 minute increments, at least.

Director: (Looks back at Second Unit Director) This is the answer to everything – you’re an absolute GENIUS!

Second Unit Director: Darn tootin’ – does that mean you’ll finally promote me from Second Unit Director to First Assistant Director?

Director: I’ll certainly think about it!  (Leaps off the couch with the script and runs to the door, then turns back) Hold on – shouldn’t you be off filming the background shots for the auditorium scene?

Second Unit Director: Already did it: your current First A.D. is the one who’s missing deadlines.

Director: (Cringes) Oh – right – I should get on that.  (Runs out of the break room to the main sound stage where a large crowd is gathered) All right, everyone, listen up!  (The crowd turns to face Director) I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but pack your bags because sooner rather than later we are filming Scenes 551-578 on location!

Cast and Crew: Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!... Ohhhhhh….

Director: What?

Director of Photography: What location, exactly?

Director: Someplace Fiji-like – I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but that’s the First A.D.’s job anyway.

First Assistant Director: (Stops biting nails on hearing title) Huh?

Director: So anyway, all you all need to know is, this is happening.

Director of Photography: But the light –

Director: THIS IS HAPPENING!

THREE-AND-A-HALF WEEKS LATER

(On a tropical island’s beach in the early morning, Director stands barefoot in the gently lapping surf while staring at the calm ocean)

Director: Ahhhhh… paradise at last.  (Closes eyes, breathes in the sea air and exhales it fully, turns around to face the beach, and whips out a megaphone) All right, everyone, let’s pick up the pace here, I want to start filming in 10!  (Walks back onto the beach that has been taken over by the film’s cast, crew, and equipment)

Stunt Coordinator: (Jogs up to Director) You want us to run through the combat choreography between takes today, Boss?

Director: If you like, but only if you feel it’s necessary – just make sure your team’s relaxed and pampered.

Stunt Coordinator: Boss?

Director: I mean, limber and pepped up!

Stunt Coordinator: Got it.  (Jogs away)

Actor: (Jogs up to Director) Boss, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but the Sun and sand here are really doing a number on my skin.

Director: (Distractedly while picking up and examining a huge seashell) Oh?  How so?

Actor: I’m all puffy and peeling everywhere, and the combination is exponentially worse than either one of them would have been on its own.

Director: (Tosses away the seashell) Well, that’s what Makeup Department’s for – (Finally faces Actor and double-takes) Whoa!  Yeah, that is pretty bad.  (Starts looking around the beach and whips out the megaphone again) Makeup!  Would someone from Makeup get over here please and fix this disaster!  We’re starting in eight!

Production Assistant: (Jogs up to Director as Actor is taken away by someone from Makeup, and holds out a satellite phone) Boss, someone from some parasailing company said they wanted to speak with you – think it might be a scam?

Director: Ooh, no, I’ll take it, thanks.  (Takes the phone and talks while walking through the beach checking on equipment and people) Hi, thanks for calling me back – listen, my main question for you is, what’s the exact weight limit on those things, hm?... Well, I’m gonna have a heavy-duty film camera, two phones, and a boom mic in addition to… my average human weight…. I know you offer video packages, but I’m doing this for something less amateur, and I’m not supposed to be in the shot anyway…. No, please be very emphatic that they do not dunk me in the ocean at the end; do you want to see a grown adult bawl like a baby after damaging thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment?!

Former Second Unit Director, Now First Assistant Director: (Jogs up to Director) Hey, Boss?

Director: (To the phone) We’ll finalize the details later – tell the boat captain I want at least a solid hour up in the air, OK-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call and turns to First Assistant Director): Yep?

First Assistant Director: We’re ready to start filming but the gentle breeze has been whipping up the sand and it’s gunking up the equipment.

Director: So just shake it all out!

First Assistant Director: It’s not exactly that simple….

Production Assistant: (After listening to another crew member) Boss, we’ve got some rogue crabs wandering onto the set, and we’re not sure how to shoo them off without crushing them or getting our toes pinched.

Director: Gimme a minute.  (Turns to the ocean and raises both arms straight up)

First Assistant Director: What are you doing?!

Director: Mountain pose; AKA: Tadasana.  I had to cut my yoga session short this morning so I’m trying to finish it up now.  (Flattens down to the ground, then rises up to cobra pose) Should be done in about 15 minutes.  (Inhales loudly)

First Assistant Director: We’re filming in two!

Director: (Exhales loudly) Right.  Forgot.  (Jumps back up and whips out the megaphone again) Places, everyone!  Let’s make some movie magic!

Production Assistant: But what about the crabs?!

Director: (Lowering the megaphone) Dig a trench or something around the set – that should make them think twice about trespassing, I’ll bet. 

(First Assistant Director and Production Assistant jog back into the fray while shaking their heads in exasperation and passing Resort Employee who is being escorted by a security guard)

Resort Employee: (Approaches Director while holding out a tray with a drink that has a mini-umbrella sticking out of it) Your non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri?

Director: Ah yes, perfect timing.  (Takes the drink while handing Resort Employee a tip) Keep `em coming, will you please?

Resort Employee: (Deftly pocketing the tip) Gladly.  (Leaves with the security guard)

Director: (Facing the main part of the outdoor set while speaking into the megaphone again) Aaaaand… action!  (Sets down the megaphone and lounges in a beach chair placed in front of a bank of monitors while the scene commences, leaning back to take a nap) Yes indeedy, I sure could get used to filming on location, all – the – time.

Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!

Story 546: 4th of July: The Excuse to Make Things Go Boom

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

Friend 2: (After almost a minute of companionable silence) So, I heard this diner has been getting good reviews, but I must say that unless stuff is burned to a crisp or over-salted, all restaurant food tastes pretty much the same to me.

Friend 1: (Head on a swivel while scanning the sides of the road) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Looks over at Friend 1) I mean, the meal has to be absolute garbage for me to never eat there again; otherwise, food is food, know-what-I-mean?

Friend 1: (Still scanning) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Narrows eyes at Friend 1) I actually do eat garbage on a regular basis, did you know that?

Friend 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: Got ya!  You’re not paying attention to a word I’m saying.

Friend 1: (Glances over at Friend 2) Sure I am!

Friend 2: Then what’d I say just now?

Friend 1: (Stares straight ahead) …You said... that… you’re garbage.

Friend 2: Seriously?!  Why would anyone ever say that about themselves?

Friend 1: I dunno, maybe if one was feeling down and just needed someone to listen.

Friend 2: Which you’re clearly not doing!

Friend 1: Point taken.

Friend 2: (Starts scanning the sides of the road as well) It’s obvious you’re looking for something, so tell me what it is and maybe I can help you find it.

Friend 1: I’d… rather not.

Friend 2: Why not?

Friend 1: Because you won’t approve.

Friend 2: Probably, but since when has that ever stopped you?

Friend 1: True, but I also didn’t want you to hear your… you know….

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Judgey tone.

Friend 2: You’re impossible.  (Looks out the window) Is it something illegal, then?

Friend 1: …Not anymore.

Friend 2: (Widens eyes in realization) Oh no, you’re not looking for –

Friend 1: THERE IT IS!  (Swerves into the right shoulder with no signal and slams on the brakes as passing cars blare their horns)

Friend 2: (Waves ruefully at the cars, looks out the window, and sees a large tent surrounded by colorful signs and banners as Friend 1 dashes out the driver’s side door and loops around to the passenger’s side) Don’t tell me you’re actually buying fireworks?!

Friend 1: (Eyes shift back-and-forth quickly) OK, I won’t tell you.

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Friend 1: By the way – got any cash on you?

Friend 2: (Glares at Friend 1) I am not giving you money to get something that’ll blow off a body part more likely than not.

Friend 1: (Squints to read a sign) Oh, never mind – it’s cashless anyway.  (Starts to leave)

Friend 2: (Momentarily grabs Friend 1’s hand) Hold on: don’t you remember what happened in high school?

Friend 1: Lots happened in high school – you’re going to have to be more specific.

Friend 2: Roman candle?  Football field?  Fire departments from five different towns?

Friend 1: (Face clears in remembrance) Oh yeah – that was a great night; too bad about the fines and the suspension and almost not graduating and whatnot.

Friend 2: You got all that because you could’ve really hurt somebody, including yourself!  Or burned the place down!

Friend 1: But I didn’t.

Friend 2: But you could’ve, `cause you didn’t know what you were doing!

Friend 1: All right, fine, maybe at the time I was a stupid kid with a brief phase of wannabe pyromania, but I’m so much more mature now.

Friend 2: (Eyebrows go up through hairline) HA!

Friend 1: You’ll see: I know safety precautions now and everything.

Friend 2: Oh really?  Since when?

Friend 1: Since I watched a video about it recently and now know all there is to know and everything’ll go perfectly this time – bye!  (Trots over to the tent)

Friend 2: (Props an elbow on the car door and leans on one hand) Oh, help.

(After a few minutes, Friend 1 is seen exiting the tent with an armful of various fireworks, dropping them onto the ground, whipping out a candle lighter, and attempting to light a sparkler)

Employee: (Running out of the tent, waving arms wildly, and shaking head) No-no-no, not here, it’ll look like a battle scene if you set all the others off!  (Points to a sign that reads “DO NOT SET OFF FIREWORKS WITHIN 100 FEET OF THIS STAND OR YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW”)

Friend 1: (Still holding the lit lighter and unlit sparkler) Then how do I test that they’re not defective?

Employee: On someone else’s property!

Friend 1: (With a put-upon sigh, shuts off the lighter, gathers up the fireworks, and dumps them into the car’s trunk as Employee watches intently and then returns to the tent; grumbling all the way back into the driver’s seat and slamming the door) – a way to rip off customers, what a racket, let me tell you.

Friend 2: I’m sure they gave you quality colorful ordnances – can we go to lunch now?

Friend 1: Oh right; forgot about that.

4TH OF JULY

(In Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 1: (On a small dais surrounded by fireworks) On this, our nation’s birthday, we celebrate the hard-won freedoms that our ancestors, direct or honorary, fought so long and mightily for, with explosive-powder-filled tubes that burst into pretty colors and shapes and go boom to simulate what being in an actual battle surrounded by actual loss of life and limb must’ve felt like.

Friend 2: (Standing off to the side and holding a glass of strong liquid) I can’t believe I agreed to you using my driveway for this.

Friend 1: You said the parking lot of my apartment building was too crowded and someone who was not me would’ve gotten hurt.

Friend 2: I know what I said – I can’t believe it, that’s all.

Friend 1: Token protest acknowledged; it’s your constitutional right.  (Friend 2 takes a swig from the glass as Friend 1 raises the candle lighter) Behold!  The birth of freedom!  (Lights one of the fireworks on the ground and jumps off the dais; the ground spinner immediately whirls around chaotically and skitters to a stop on the lawn)  Oops.

Friend 2: Called it.  (Lifts up a hose that was in the non-drink-holding hand and drowns the firework)

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2 on the shoulder once the danger has passed) Good work.

Friend 2: (Turns off the hose and stares at Friend 1) You will gather all the remains, along with their fellows, dump them into this bin – (Toes over a bin that was sitting on the driveway) for the night, and bring them all to the fire station for proper disposal in the morning.  You also will check this spot – (Gestures with the hose) every hour on the hour until I am satisfied that nothing is smoldering and the entire neighborhood will not burn down in your misguided attempt at pretend patriotism.  In the meantime, we will go inside and watch an actual fireworks show by actual professionals broadcast safely for television while listening to actual patriotic speeches, and get some history and culture and military appreciation while we’re at it.  Understood?

Friend 1: (Holding head high to retain some dignity) I suppose, in the name of freedom –

Friend 2: Oh, save it: you just want an excuse to make things go boom.

Friend 1: It’s definitely a side benefit.