Story 462: Campfire Tale of Horror

(Around the evening campfire, Counselor and five Children sit on logs roasting marshmallows)

Child 1: I had so much fun today, it’s gonna be hard falling asleep tonight!

Counselor: Well, it’s a good thing tomorrow’s Sunday then, so you all have a day to recover at home before back to school on Monday.

Child 2: School, ugh!

Children 1-5: Uggghhhh!!!

Counselor: Ingrates.  (Tests a marshmallow with fingertips, then passes around chocolate and crackers for everyone to make s’mores) So!  Since it’s almost Halloween and we’re in the proper setting, would you like to hear a… serious and heartfelt story?

Children 1-5: (All shake their heads and laugh) Nooo!!!

Child 3: We want to hear a scary story!

Counselor: Ah, of course.  (Hastily finishes off the s’more) OK then, what should it be about?  Witches?  Werewolves?  Vampires?  Mummies?  Zombies?  (The Children shake their heads on each one) I’m running out of the classics here, kids.

Child 4: Those are all overdone – we want something really scary!

Child 5: Yeah, something that’ll give us nightmares!

Counselor: You may regret that….

Children 1-5: (Cheering over each other) Tell us a scary story!  Make us scream!  Haunt our dreams!

Counselor: Fine, fine!  If you insist.  (Wipes messy hands and leans forward; Children do likewise) This is a tale to freeze the blood, chill the heart, and send shivers down the spine – good thing we’re all sitting around a nice hot fire, right?

Child 1: Not to be rude, but this sounds like it’s going to be one of those tales that really aren’t that scary anymore.

Counselor: (Gets a devilish look) Oh, just you wait.  I call this –

 THE TALE OF THE UNSTOPPABLE LIFE CHANGES

             Children 1-5: …What?!

            Counselor: Don’t interrupt.

 Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a child, right around your age, who loved life, and was loved by life….

(In black-and-white overtones, Child (who looks like a younger version of Counselor) is skipping down a residential sidewalk in glee)

Child: (Smiling as wide as humanly possible) La, la, la, la, la….

Narrator: Not a care in the world, and knew that all was well and would always be well.  Until, one day –

(The robed figure of Adulthood jumps out from the nearby hedges)

Adulthood: Ta-da!

Child: (Stops skipping, but smile never falters) Why, hello!  And who might you be?

Adulthood: Your future, kid.

Child: Why, whatever could you mean?  I feel so grand about all things all the time, and you look terrible!

Adulthood: Life’ll do that to ya – mind if I sit down?  (Points to a nearby bench)  That surprise entrance did my knees and lungs no favors.

Child: But of course!  Do you also need to lean upon my youthful shoulder?

Adulthood: Not yet, but don’t wander off, either.  (Staggers over to the bench and collapses on it; Child follows and stands nearby)

Child: Do you need a glass of water and a pillow, oh Elder One?

Adulthood: (Wipes sweat from forehead) No!  Now listen up: you’ve had a good run; you were extremely lucky in having a loving family and living in comfortable, healthy surroundings; but all that’s done and it’s time for you to pupate into the horrors of puberty to reach your final destination of end-stage adult.

Child: (Still smiling; blinks once) I don’t follow.

Adulthood: Now, I’m not saying that I’m what you’re going to turn into, but judging by your parents, peers, and current trajectory, it’s pretty likely.  Scratch that: almost guaranteed.

Child: I know this sounds cold and disrespectful, but you appear to be an absolute failure.

Adulthood: In one.

Child: Then how could I possibly resemble you in any way once I have emerged from my glorious life cocoon?  I’m getting such good grades in school, and have such great friends, and I’m doing so well in basketball, and I just made finals in our geography tournament this year –

Adulthood: Kid.

Child: Yes?

Adulthood: I’m torn on whether to laugh or cry right now – either of which, I assure you, would be done most hysterically.

Child: Whyever is that?

Adulthood: At the end of the day, all your grades and activities and school-age achievements will mean bupkis: your success or failure in life will depend primarily on who you know, being in the right place at the right time, and putting in exorbitantly much more work than the person next to you.

Child: (Turns to the empty space next to both of them, then back to Adulthood; smile starts to falter) Huh?

Adulthood: And even if you’re lucky enough to be what this society deems “a success,” you’ll never be able to enjoy it: if the stress doesn’t destroy you, your neglect of your family if they still speak to you, any friends you might have left, life partner if you snag one, and/or any actual kids of your own, and their resentment of you in turn, will make you wonder why on Earth anybody does anything.

Child: (Smile fades further) What?

Adulthood: Oh, speaking of kids: your body’s going to start all those lovely life changes soon so you’ll be able to pop out another version of yourself, at least in theory; even if you don’t wind up going through with it, doesn’t matter, hormones and body transformation’re on their way, so kiss your last moments of unblemished happiness good-bye, `cause you are never getting them back.

Child: (Starting to whimper) Umm….

Adulthood: But, as much as you’re going to dislike your new form with its useless excess hair and pimples and glands that seem to do more harm than good, you’d better take special care of it with healthy food, regular exercise, a full night’s sleep, and regular doctor check-ups, or else your eventual “golden” years will be absolute torture, with no reprieve except the final one, and who would actually want to wish for that?!

Child: (Begins to cry) Why are you saying all these mean things?

Adulthood: They’re not mean, they’re just true.  At least now you’re prepared, right?  (Stands as Child cries harder) Oh, almost forgot: everything that is so much fun for you right now, all your joys and pleasures and good times, will slowly, inexorably, one-by-one, become… BORING.

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Children 1-5: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Camp Director: (Jogs over to the group as Children 1-5 stop screaming) What is going on here?!  Is anyone hurt?!

Counselor: Oh no, just telling them a spooky story, no big deal, right, kids?

Camp Director: (Sees Children 1-5 nodding with wide eyes and shivering) Must’ve been a doozy.  All right, everyone come back to your tents, it’s bedtime! 

(They shakily gathering their belongings; Counselor wiggles both arms in a mock scare at them, making them laugh in relief as they walk back to their tents with Camp Director.  Counselor chuckles a bit before turning back to extinguish the fire and clean up the site.  Suddenly, a twig snaps; Counselor freezes, sensing there are others nearby, waiting.  Feeling a chill, Counselor slowly turns around to face the surrounding woods.  Standing at the tree line, not 10 feet away, are a Witch, a Werewolf, a Vampire, a Mummy, and a Zombie)

Counselor: (Gulps) Ummm….

Vampire: (Steps forward cautiously) On behalf of my fellows, we wanted to know: that was only a story to scare the children, yes?

Counselor: …Ye-es, only a story, all in the spirit of the season.

(The others visibly relax and laugh in relief)

Mummy: Oh good, we were worried for a moment there that it was true!

Zombie: Or at the very least, a petrifying allegory!

Witch: That would have been a real horror, let me tell you!

(They all cackle uproariously; Counselor forces out a few laughs, and they all wave farewell as the group turns back to the woods.  Counselor shakily turns back to finish cleaning up and is met by Werewolf, who instantly appears opposite from where the rest of the group had been)

Werewolf: (Speaking in a growl) I must say, even though that was all made-up, you humans sure are a scary bunch!

Counselor: (Laughs nervously very loudly, then suddenly sobers and looks inwardly) That we are.

Story 461: Bringing Home the Office

(In an office)

Manager: (Sitting at a desk across from Employee) Well, that’s all settled then: starting Monday, you’ll be joining the ranks of the layabouts who won the lazy lottery and get to – (Does extreme air quotes) “work” from home, yay for you.

Employee: (Shifts uncomfortably in the chair) But I actually like coming into the office –

Manager: (Had turned to the computer to type an angry e-mail while Employee was speaking) Of course, nobody asked me if I wanted half my department slacking off on social media or playing with their kids or doing their laundry or skiing in the Alps while logging in every 30 minutes for show while productivity flushes itself down the economical toilet, ohhhhhh noooooo!!!!  (Rage types faster)

Employee: Well, maybe I can volunteer to stay –

Manager: Buuuuut – (Turns back to Employee) I’m just middle management, whereas upper management has the final say-so, so here we are.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) I guess I’m supposed to say it’s been nice working with you, but I won’t.

Employee: Um, we’re still going to communicate with each other every day though, right?

Manager: Oh yeah, but since it’ll be only e-mails and phone calls and group chats and long-distance what-not, going forward you could be a robot for all I know.  (Tears off a piece of paper from a packet and hands it to Employee) Here’s your ticket.

Employee: (Stares at it for a bit) Ticket… to ride?

Manager: Heh-heh, I wish: it’s from I.T.; they’re going to ship you the work-from-home office set-up you’ll need to install before Monday; it’ll probably show up early Saturday at this point.  Electricity’s on your dime, but I’m told it’s a tax write-off for you freeloaders.

Employee: Oh.  OK.  Are there going to be instructions on how to install the computer and other stuff that comes with it?

Manager: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) You can go now.  (Employee rushes out the door as Manager returns to pounding the long-suffering keyboard) Wonder if I’ll actually miss any of my underlings once they stop coming here…. [TYPE-TYPE-TYPE-] Probably not.

 EARLY SATURDAY

(Employee, wearing pajamas and hastily tying a robe, answers the insistent knocking at the front door of the house)

Employee: (Rubs sleepy eyes) Yes?

Courier: (Holding up a clipboard) This you?

Employee: (Squints at the text) Um, yes – who are you?

Courier: Delivering your work-from-home office – sign here, please.

Employee: (Signs) What exactly am I signing?

Courier: You really should ask that before you sign something, you know.

Employee: Thanks for the tip.  (Hands back the clipboard)

Courier: It’s the receipt acknowledging delivery.  (Rips off a page from the clipboard and hands it over) Your copy.  (Turns to the backed-in truck that is parked in the driveway) ALL RIGHT, BRING IT ON OUT!

(Employee stares in horror as the open back door of the truck reveals a forklift hauling an entire office onto the driveway, complete with desk, chair, computer set with three monitors, printer, scanner, carpeting, three walls with huge paintings on each, two large armchairs, a couch, and a water cooler)

Employee: What the blazes is this?!

Courier: (Half turns to Employee while directing the forklift driver) Your work-from-home office – want it in the carport or on the front lawn?

Employee: I want it gone!  This must be a mistake – I’m only meant to get a computer!

Courier: You did.  (Points to the computer on the ornate desk)

Employee: But what’s all this other – (Waves arms frantically at the office) stuff?!

Courier: The office – it’s right here on your ticket.  (Points to the paper Employee is holding, then turns fully back to the forklift driver) Set it down in the carport!

Employee: But my car’s in there!

Courier: (Peers behind Employee) Oh yeah – think you can move it?

Employee: Where?!  You’re blocking me in!

Courier: Oh yeah.  (To the forklift driver) Set it down on the front lawn!

Employee: No-no-no, take it back!

Courier: What for?  We don’t need it.

Employee: How’m I supposed to get all this inside the house?!

Courier: Most people we send this to wind up breaking it down or shoving it in somewhere; all I know is, not our jurisdiction, we just deliver.  (The forklift driver sets down the office on the front lawn, then zoom back into the truck) There we go!  Call your I.T. department if you have any questions – we’re off!

Employee: But – !  (The truck drives away; in a small voice) Where do I even begin?

 TEN HOURS LATER

(Employee sweatily plugs the last cable into the last port surrounded by the swarming cables feeding all over the computer and accessories, then collapses on the couch while the rest of the lights and appliances in the house dip with the power drain as all the office equipment pieces start up.  Waking from a short doze, Employee then staggers to the desk and collapses onto the comfy chair while signing into the network and activating apps needed for the new work station.  After navigating in circles for some time, Employee testily picks up a cell phone and places a call)

I.T. Rep: I.T., how may I assist you?

Employee: Hi, I received a work-from-home kit that has literally taken over my living room and kitchen, and something’s not working right.

I.T. Rep: Oh, you’re one of the remote workers for the company now?  My condolences.

Employee: Thank you.  The issue is, I shockingly got everything installed and logged into the network, but try as I might, I can’t seem to find my department’s shared drive.

I.T. Rep.: OK, let’s take a look – mind if I remote in?

Employee: That seems to be the theme of the month, yes.

I.T. Rep: (Works with Employee to remote into the computer) Ah, I see what it is: according to your ticket, you were supposed to receive the “Junior Associate Work-From-Home Kit,” and instead you got the “Executive Work-From-Home Suite.”

Employee: (Flatly) What.

I.T. Rep: Is it true that it’s got a mini-bar with chocolate truffles and flavored water?  I’ve always wanted to see one of those, if you could turn on your webcam a second for me.

Employee: So, what, we can just swap out the computer then, right?

I.T. Rep: Actually, we’re going to have to swap out the whole office: employees at your level aren’t supposed to get all that stuff, like the whirlpool bath and the massage table and the –

Employee: (Has been roaming the office and uncovering all these things tucked away, waiting to unfurl) It took me half a day to get this monstrosity in here, and now you’re telling me I’ve got to take it all out and then put in another one?

I.T. Rep: If it makes you feel any better, the other one is much smaller.

Employee: It doesn’t!  I am keeping this thing I’ve developed love-hate feelings for, and you are going to make this work!

I.T. Rep: (Sighs, then starts typing) I guess I could just promote your job title in the network’s directory and give you top clearance, and that would allow you then to access the drive through this computer as an executive – I’m sure there’s no real harm in doing that….

Employee: (Settles into the whirlpool bath with a bottle of the flavored water and smooth jazz playing over the speakers) I like the way you think.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.