(In an office)
Manager: (Sitting at a desk across from Employee) Well, that’s all settled then: starting Monday, you’ll be joining the ranks of the layabouts who won the lazy lottery and get to – (Does extreme air quotes) “work” from home, yay for you.
Employee: (Shifts uncomfortably in the chair) But I actually like coming into the office –
Manager: (Had turned to the computer to type an angry e-mail while Employee was speaking) Of course, nobody asked me if I wanted half my department slacking off on social media or playing with their kids or doing their laundry or skiing in the Alps while logging in every 30 minutes for show while productivity flushes itself down the economical toilet, ohhhhhh noooooo!!!! (Rage types faster)
Employee: Well, maybe I can volunteer to stay –
Manager: Buuuuut – (Turns back to Employee) I’m just middle management, whereas upper management has the final say-so, so here we are. (The two stare at each other for a bit) I guess I’m supposed to say it’s been nice working with you, but I won’t.
Employee: Um, we’re still going to communicate with each other every day though, right?
Manager: Oh yeah, but since it’ll be only e-mails and phone calls and group chats and long-distance what-not, going forward you could be a robot for all I know. (Tears off a piece of paper from a packet and hands it to Employee) Here’s your ticket.
Employee: (Stares at it for a bit) Ticket… to ride?
Manager: Heh-heh, I wish: it’s from I.T.; they’re going to ship you the work-from-home office set-up you’ll need to install before Monday; it’ll probably show up early Saturday at this point. Electricity’s on your dime, but I’m told it’s a tax write-off for you freeloaders.
Employee: Oh. OK. Are there going to be instructions on how to install the computer and other stuff that comes with it?
Manager: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) You can go now. (Employee rushes out the door as Manager returns to pounding the long-suffering keyboard) Wonder if I’ll actually miss any of my underlings once they stop coming here…. [TYPE-TYPE-TYPE-] Probably not.
EARLY SATURDAY
(Employee, wearing pajamas and hastily tying a robe, answers the insistent knocking at the front door of the house)
Employee: (Rubs sleepy eyes) Yes?
Courier: (Holding up a clipboard) This you?
Employee: (Squints at the text) Um, yes – who are you?
Courier: Delivering your work-from-home office – sign here, please.
Employee: (Signs) What exactly am I signing?
Courier: You really should ask that before you sign something, you know.
Employee: Thanks for the tip. (Hands back the clipboard)
Courier: It’s the receipt acknowledging delivery. (Rips off a page from the clipboard and hands it over) Your copy. (Turns to the backed-in truck that is parked in the driveway) ALL RIGHT, BRING IT ON OUT!
(Employee stares in horror as the open back door of the truck reveals a forklift hauling an entire office onto the driveway, complete with desk, chair, computer set with three monitors, printer, scanner, carpeting, three walls with huge paintings on each, two large armchairs, a couch, and a water cooler)
Employee: What the blazes is this?!
Courier: (Half turns to Employee while directing the forklift driver) Your work-from-home office – want it in the carport or on the front lawn?
Employee: I want it gone! This must be a mistake – I’m only meant to get a computer!
Courier: You did. (Points to the computer on the ornate desk)
Employee: But what’s all this other – (Waves arms frantically at the office) stuff?!
Courier: The office – it’s right here on your ticket. (Points to the paper Employee is holding, then turns fully back to the forklift driver) Set it down in the carport!
Employee: But my car’s in there!
Courier: (Peers behind Employee) Oh yeah – think you can move it?
Employee: Where?! You’re blocking me in!
Courier: Oh yeah. (To the forklift driver) Set it down on the front lawn!
Employee: No-no-no, take it back!
Courier: What for? We don’t need it.
Employee: How’m I supposed to get all this inside the house?!
Courier: Most people we send this to wind up breaking it down or shoving it in somewhere; all I know is, not our jurisdiction, we just deliver. (The forklift driver sets down the office on the front lawn, then zoom back into the truck) There we go! Call your I.T. department if you have any questions – we’re off!
Employee: But – ! (The truck drives away; in a small voice) Where do I even begin?
TEN HOURS LATER
(Employee sweatily plugs the last cable into the last port surrounded by the swarming cables feeding all over the computer and accessories, then collapses on the couch while the rest of the lights and appliances in the house dip with the power drain as all the office equipment pieces start up. Waking from a short doze, Employee then staggers to the desk and collapses onto the comfy chair while signing into the network and activating apps needed for the new work station. After navigating in circles for some time, Employee testily picks up a cell phone and places a call)
I.T. Rep: I.T., how may I assist you?
Employee: Hi, I received a work-from-home kit that has literally taken over my living room and kitchen, and something’s not working right.
I.T. Rep: Oh, you’re one of the remote workers for the company now? My condolences.
Employee: Thank you. The issue is, I shockingly got everything installed and logged into the network, but try as I might, I can’t seem to find my department’s shared drive.
I.T. Rep.: OK, let’s take a look – mind if I remote in?
Employee: That seems to be the theme of the month, yes.
I.T. Rep: (Works with Employee to remote into the computer) Ah, I see what it is: according to your ticket, you were supposed to receive the “Junior Associate Work-From-Home Kit,” and instead you got the “Executive Work-From-Home Suite.”
Employee: (Flatly) What.
I.T. Rep: Is it true that it’s got a mini-bar with chocolate truffles and flavored water? I’ve always wanted to see one of those, if you could turn on your webcam a second for me.
Employee: So, what, we can just swap out the computer then, right?
I.T. Rep: Actually, we’re going to have to swap out the whole office: employees at your level aren’t supposed to get all that stuff, like the whirlpool bath and the massage table and the –
Employee: (Has been roaming the office and uncovering all these things tucked away, waiting to unfurl) It took me half a day to get this monstrosity in here, and now you’re telling me I’ve got to take it all out and then put in another one?
I.T. Rep: If it makes you feel any better, the other one is much smaller.
Employee: It doesn’t! I am keeping this thing I’ve developed love-hate feelings for, and you are going to make this work!
I.T. Rep: (Sighs, then starts typing) I guess I could just promote your job title in the network’s directory and give you top clearance, and that would allow you then to access the drive through this computer as an executive – I’m sure there’s no real harm in doing that….
Employee: (Settles into the whirlpool bath with a bottle of the flavored water and smooth jazz playing over the speakers) I like the way you think.
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