Story 512: Oblivia and the Vampire

            (In a movie theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)

Friend: Well, all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.

Oblivia: (Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?

Friend: For one thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable and boring!

Oblivia: (Tosses the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.

Friend: Fine – what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?

Oblivia: Oh, you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one, unfortunately.

Friend: Thank you.

Oblivia: Except for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.

Friend: Agree to disagree.  So, need a lift to your car?

Oblivia: Nah; thanks, though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there.  Gotta get home to the kiddies now?

Friend: Oh no, they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight.  Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my house, know-what-I-mean?

Oblivia: Kind of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a while it gets a little lonely, too.  Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?

Friend: I don’t recommend doing that, ever.  Anyway, this was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!

Oblivia: (Waving as the two part ways) You, too!  (Walks all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)

Vampire: (Wearing jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the driver’s side door) Sooooooo….

Oblivia: (Turns around abruptly) Huh?

Vampire: Lonely, are we?  (Makes a show of slowly running tongue over upper fangs)

Oblivia: Heh?

Vampire: (Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.

Oblivia: (Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, that.  Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying that from almost 1,000 feet away?  That’s a bit rude.

Vampire: …Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.  Anywho, I possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less lonely.  (Starts moving in closer to Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.  Needed.  Loved.

Oblivia: (Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.

Vampire: What?

Oblivia: Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?

Vampire: (Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.

Oblivia: Satanist?

Vampire: No!  That one doesn’t do it for me, either.  Look, what I’m offering is an eternity of never feeling lonely again.

Oblivia: Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so, then?

Vampire: Because you’ll be MINE FOREVER.  (Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)

Oblivia: (Grimaces) Ew.  Textbook possessive behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot.  No thanks!  (Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives off)

Vampire: (Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!

(At home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)

Oblivia: Is that a confused bird?  (Peers closer through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!  You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy!  (Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the ledge) Oh, you again.  How’d you find out here I live?

Vampire: (Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.

Oblivia: And a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?

Vampire: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to you.

Oblivia: Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.

Vampire: (Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.

Oblivia: Is that a new pick-up line?

Vampire: (Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just invite me in.

Oblivia: Why would I do that?  You’re a stranger.

Vampire: For what I just said!  The wonders of the night!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.

Vampire: You don’t understand – I’m offering you immortality!  You will never grow old, you will never become ill, you will never die!  (In a low voice) Again.

Oblivia: What was that last part?

Vampire: Power over your enemies!

Oblivia: I don’t have any.

Vampire: All the money in the world!

Oblivia: Eh – not worth it after the first two million.

Vampire: Never having to go to work again!

Oblivia: (Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.

Vampire: (Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere you’ve ever wanted to go!  The world will be your oyster that you literally suck dry!

Oblivia: Gross.

Vampire: Well, that is the catch.

Oblivia: What, I gotta eat only oysters now?

Vampire: (Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.

Oblivia: (Gasps in horror) You’re a cannibal?!

Vampire: For the love of – I’m a vampire!

Oblivia: You’re a what?

Vampire: Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected you for the honor of joining our loving family.  Clearly out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.

Oblivia: No, I mean, what’s a vampire?

Vampire: (Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not serious?

Oblivia: Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like that?

Vampire: Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have never heard of the word “vampire”?!

Oblivia: Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it personally.  Did you get special training for this career?

Vampire: (Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….

Oblivia: (Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into work early tomorrow, so, bye!  (Slams the window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls asleep immediately)

Vampire: (Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….

(In a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)

Vampire: (Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone) Heyyyy....

Oblivia: (After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat again?

Vampire: No, the bat’s only for transportation!

Oblivia: (Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry little thing.  (Slams the trunk door shut and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)

Vampire: (Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my proposal at all today?

Oblivia: (Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm?  I don’t remember you asking me to marry you last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.

Vampire: (Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance, Mortal!

Oblivia: (Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.

Vampire: (Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!>

Oblivia: (Stops) Wow.  I think you need to work on that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems.  (Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you contact them to help out where you can.  They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule.  (Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on your life!  (Gets into the car and drives off)

(Vampire stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and transforms into Head Vampire)

Head Vampire: Well?  That one was practically a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one of us or even making a meal for yourself!  By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since remedial education is clearly in order!

Vampire: (Hangs head in shame) I understand.

Head Vampire: And what is that she gave you!

Vampire: (Hands over the card) Here.

Head Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it is about time we start giving back to the community. 

Vampire: Might help with our image.

Story 462: Campfire Tale of Horror

(Around the evening campfire, Counselor and five Children sit on logs roasting marshmallows)

Child 1: I had so much fun today, it’s gonna be hard falling asleep tonight!

Counselor: Well, it’s a good thing tomorrow’s Sunday then, so you all have a day to recover at home before back to school on Monday.

Child 2: School, ugh!

Children 1-5: Uggghhhh!!!

Counselor: Ingrates.  (Tests a marshmallow with fingertips, then passes around chocolate and crackers for everyone to make s’mores) So!  Since it’s almost Halloween and we’re in the proper setting, would you like to hear a… serious and heartfelt story?

Children 1-5: (All shake their heads and laugh) Nooo!!!

Child 3: We want to hear a scary story!

Counselor: Ah, of course.  (Hastily finishes off the s’more) OK then, what should it be about?  Witches?  Werewolves?  Vampires?  Mummies?  Zombies?  (The Children shake their heads on each one) I’m running out of the classics here, kids.

Child 4: Those are all overdone – we want something really scary!

Child 5: Yeah, something that’ll give us nightmares!

Counselor: You may regret that….

Children 1-5: (Cheering over each other) Tell us a scary story!  Make us scream!  Haunt our dreams!

Counselor: Fine, fine!  If you insist.  (Wipes messy hands and leans forward; Children do likewise) This is a tale to freeze the blood, chill the heart, and send shivers down the spine – good thing we’re all sitting around a nice hot fire, right?

Child 1: Not to be rude, but this sounds like it’s going to be one of those tales that really aren’t that scary anymore.

Counselor: (Gets a devilish look) Oh, just you wait.  I call this –

 THE TALE OF THE UNSTOPPABLE LIFE CHANGES

             Children 1-5: …What?!

            Counselor: Don’t interrupt.

 Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a child, right around your age, who loved life, and was loved by life….

(In black-and-white overtones, Child (who looks like a younger version of Counselor) is skipping down a residential sidewalk in glee)

Child: (Smiling as wide as humanly possible) La, la, la, la, la….

Narrator: Not a care in the world, and knew that all was well and would always be well.  Until, one day –

(The robed figure of Adulthood jumps out from the nearby hedges)

Adulthood: Ta-da!

Child: (Stops skipping, but smile never falters) Why, hello!  And who might you be?

Adulthood: Your future, kid.

Child: Why, whatever could you mean?  I feel so grand about all things all the time, and you look terrible!

Adulthood: Life’ll do that to ya – mind if I sit down?  (Points to a nearby bench)  That surprise entrance did my knees and lungs no favors.

Child: But of course!  Do you also need to lean upon my youthful shoulder?

Adulthood: Not yet, but don’t wander off, either.  (Staggers over to the bench and collapses on it; Child follows and stands nearby)

Child: Do you need a glass of water and a pillow, oh Elder One?

Adulthood: (Wipes sweat from forehead) No!  Now listen up: you’ve had a good run; you were extremely lucky in having a loving family and living in comfortable, healthy surroundings; but all that’s done and it’s time for you to pupate into the horrors of puberty to reach your final destination of end-stage adult.

Child: (Still smiling; blinks once) I don’t follow.

Adulthood: Now, I’m not saying that I’m what you’re going to turn into, but judging by your parents, peers, and current trajectory, it’s pretty likely.  Scratch that: almost guaranteed.

Child: I know this sounds cold and disrespectful, but you appear to be an absolute failure.

Adulthood: In one.

Child: Then how could I possibly resemble you in any way once I have emerged from my glorious life cocoon?  I’m getting such good grades in school, and have such great friends, and I’m doing so well in basketball, and I just made finals in our geography tournament this year –

Adulthood: Kid.

Child: Yes?

Adulthood: I’m torn on whether to laugh or cry right now – either of which, I assure you, would be done most hysterically.

Child: Whyever is that?

Adulthood: At the end of the day, all your grades and activities and school-age achievements will mean bupkis: your success or failure in life will depend primarily on who you know, being in the right place at the right time, and putting in exorbitantly much more work than the person next to you.

Child: (Turns to the empty space next to both of them, then back to Adulthood; smile starts to falter) Huh?

Adulthood: And even if you’re lucky enough to be what this society deems “a success,” you’ll never be able to enjoy it: if the stress doesn’t destroy you, your neglect of your family if they still speak to you, any friends you might have left, life partner if you snag one, and/or any actual kids of your own, and their resentment of you in turn, will make you wonder why on Earth anybody does anything.

Child: (Smile fades further) What?

Adulthood: Oh, speaking of kids: your body’s going to start all those lovely life changes soon so you’ll be able to pop out another version of yourself, at least in theory; even if you don’t wind up going through with it, doesn’t matter, hormones and body transformation’re on their way, so kiss your last moments of unblemished happiness good-bye, `cause you are never getting them back.

Child: (Starting to whimper) Umm….

Adulthood: But, as much as you’re going to dislike your new form with its useless excess hair and pimples and glands that seem to do more harm than good, you’d better take special care of it with healthy food, regular exercise, a full night’s sleep, and regular doctor check-ups, or else your eventual “golden” years will be absolute torture, with no reprieve except the final one, and who would actually want to wish for that?!

Child: (Begins to cry) Why are you saying all these mean things?

Adulthood: They’re not mean, they’re just true.  At least now you’re prepared, right?  (Stands as Child cries harder) Oh, almost forgot: everything that is so much fun for you right now, all your joys and pleasures and good times, will slowly, inexorably, one-by-one, become… BORING.

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Children 1-5: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Camp Director: (Jogs over to the group as Children 1-5 stop screaming) What is going on here?!  Is anyone hurt?!

Counselor: Oh no, just telling them a spooky story, no big deal, right, kids?

Camp Director: (Sees Children 1-5 nodding with wide eyes and shivering) Must’ve been a doozy.  All right, everyone come back to your tents, it’s bedtime! 

(They shakily gathering their belongings; Counselor wiggles both arms in a mock scare at them, making them laugh in relief as they walk back to their tents with Camp Director.  Counselor chuckles a bit before turning back to extinguish the fire and clean up the site.  Suddenly, a twig snaps; Counselor freezes, sensing there are others nearby, waiting.  Feeling a chill, Counselor slowly turns around to face the surrounding woods.  Standing at the tree line, not 10 feet away, are a Witch, a Werewolf, a Vampire, a Mummy, and a Zombie)

Counselor: (Gulps) Ummm….

Vampire: (Steps forward cautiously) On behalf of my fellows, we wanted to know: that was only a story to scare the children, yes?

Counselor: …Ye-es, only a story, all in the spirit of the season.

(The others visibly relax and laugh in relief)

Mummy: Oh good, we were worried for a moment there that it was true!

Zombie: Or at the very least, a petrifying allegory!

Witch: That would have been a real horror, let me tell you!

(They all cackle uproariously; Counselor forces out a few laughs, and they all wave farewell as the group turns back to the woods.  Counselor shakily turns back to finish cleaning up and is met by Werewolf, who instantly appears opposite from where the rest of the group had been)

Werewolf: (Speaking in a growl) I must say, even though that was all made-up, you humans sure are a scary bunch!

Counselor: (Laughs nervously very loudly, then suddenly sobers and looks inwardly) That we are.

Story 412: The Real Haunted House

 (Friend 1 and Friend 2 park in the overflowing lot at the multi-purpose farm, then head over to the main entrance to stand on the extremely long line for tickets)

Friend 2: (At the sign reading “Line Wait Time: Approx. 40 Minutes”) This place had better be worth the admission price, especially after last year’s debacle.

Friend 1: Hey, we both wanted to do something different then – is it my fault their only employee was an actual werewolf?

Friend 2: Keep your voice down: do you really want everyone here to know about that?

Friend 1: (Whispers) Oh right.  (Back to normal volume) You have to admit though, we were never in any real danger except what we inflicted upon ourselves.

Friend 2: I’d agree, if the place had been more upfront about the whole thing.

Friend 1: Where’s the scary fun in that?

Friend 2: (After a few moments of the line inching up and them staring out at the eerily twilit corn maze, eerily shadowed farmhouse, and eerily distant highway) So, this haunted house is just the usual actors jumping out at us and hidden speakers playing Halloween’s Greatest Hits and impressive decorations and screams all around, right?

Friend 1: (Stares at the farmhouse a bit longer, then turns to Friend 2 distractedly) Huh?

Friend 2: I said, this place just has regular human beings banging the walls and getting up in our faces in a less-than-30-story building, right?

Friend 1: Oh sure, sure.  (Stares at the farmhouse some more) Surrrrre….

Friend 2: (In a flat vice) What aren’t you telling me?

Friend 1: Oh nothing, nothing; this place just caught my eye `cause the ad said it was a “Real” Haunted House – they forgot the quotes around “Real,” though – I was tempted to call the newspaper’s advertising department but then realized it was this place that’d created the ad so they’d have to be the one to fix it and it’d be too late by now so, yeah.

Friend 2: (Staring at Friend 1) I’m going to remind you of this conversation after tonight’s certain disaster.

Friend 1: No need.

(An hour later, an employee leads Friend 1 and Friend 2 into the farmhouse with four other guests.  The employee is dressed as a lazy witch: half a hat, a shawl thrown over a sweater and jeans, and a fake wart threatening to fall off a cheek)

Employee: (Addressing the group inside the farmhouse after closing the front door) All right: this was a working farm in 1840-whatever; you can read all about the soul possession and nightly raves the family here had on the large sign you passed on the way in; follow the glow-in-the-dark arrows on the floors to navigate through the house and exit out the back; don’t touch anything; if you break any of the property you will be recorded on camera and billed starting at $200; I am legally required to remind you that any and all of the ghosts, goblins, ghouls, demons, monsters, trolls, zombies, etc., etc. you may or may not encounter are real due to the current property owner’s securing them for your entertainment, the effort of which is reflected in your ticket price; that purchase indemnifies and holds harmless said owner and all ghosts, goblins, etc., etc... that’s about it, have a spooktacular time, bye.  (Pushes through the group to exit the front door and lock it)

(The farmhouse is suddenly plunged into darkness when all the faint hall lights go out, save for the glowing arrows on the floor leading to a kitchen; a muted cackling is heard through the ceiling directly above their heads, a rattling chain speaks close by, and a neon digital clock on a wall buzzes to life and begins counting down from 30 minutes.  Most of the group pull out their cell phones and activate the flashlight app, illuminating their faces)

Friend 1: So, who’d like to go first?

Friend 2: That sounds like a volunteer.

Guest 1: All that stuff about the ghosts here being real was just a joke, right?  It’s just a bunch of teens and sound effects, right?  Right?!

Guest 2: You are not wimping out on me again this year!

Guest 1: I’m not wimping out!  It’s just sometimes people get carried away at these things – I’m only being sensibly cautious!

Friend 2: Supposedly, this is a really real haunted house.  As in, really-real.

Friend 1: Real is such a subjective term.

Friend 2: Is it?!

(Employee unlocks the front door and leans inside, knocking the half-hat even more askew)

Employee: Clock’s ticking, people, get a move on!

Guest 1: But –

Employee: No refunds!  (Slams the door and locks it again)

Guest 3: Guess that’s that, then: we have no choice but to go forth into the terrifying unknown.

Friend 2: Technically, we always have a choice –

Friend 1: No we don’t!  Onward!  (Leads the way to the sinister kitchen)

(As the group enters the room, there is movement by the low-lit fireplace; approaching, they see several trolls playing cards on the hearth)

Troll 1: King of clubs?

Troll 2: (Checks hand) Go fish.

Troll 3: (Sees the humans) Hi there!  Want us to deal you in?

Group: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(They flee the room, making sure to follow the arrows)

Troll 2: (To Troll 3) I keep telling you, don’t bother being friendly to them, they simply don’t appreciate it.

Troll 3: Can’t help myself.

(The humans run across the hallway to a family room, where cursed children are playing marbles and destroying the furniture)

Cursed Children: No grown-ups!  No curfew!  No rules!  Wheee!!!

Group (Except for Guest 4): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Guest 4: What a bunch of brats!

(The cursed children simultaneously stop, turn to stare at the guests, and open their mouths)

Cursed Children: Waaaaahhhh!!!!

Friend 1: Oh no, crying children, my worst nightmare!

(The group run out of the room and are stymied by the arrows pointing in two directions, one set up the staircase and one set toward the open basement door)

Friend 1: Wanna split up?

Guest 1: Are you kidding?!  We’ll never be seen again!

Friend 1: How about we do the basement first and upstairs after?

Guest 1: Are you kidding?!  I don’t even do regular basements!

Guest 2: Wimp!

(Ominous banging and moans are heard from below)

Friend 1: Maybe we should take a vote.

Guest 1: Are you kidding?!

(A nearby speaker on the wall crackles)

Speaker: Keep moving, folks!  Don’t make us come in there and kick you all out!

Guest 3: Was that a ghost?

Guest 4: Nah, probably just the lazy witch again.

Friend 1: Executive decision!  (Runs full speed ahead down the basement stairs while the others stand and stare; within a minute, Friend 1 runs back up the stairs and slams the door shut, out of breath with an ashen face)

Friend 2: What was down there?

Friend 1: Bothing – noring – I mean bothering – let’s go upstairs!  (Runs up the stairs to the second floor)

(After hesitating a moment, the others run upstairs and they all follow the arrows to the master bedroom; upon opening the door, they see several vampires surrounding a pal drinking from a steaming goblet)

Vampires: Chug!  Chug!  Chug!  Chug!

(The group quietly closes the door and proceeds as a clump to the attic stairs)

Friend 1: Maybe the twist’ll be it’s just bats up there.

Friend 2: Not another word out of you.

(They creak up the stairs slowly; at the top, they see a variety of monsters gathered around a table that has a boatload of candles – a decaying ghoul is attempting to blow them all out.  Guest 1 points a shaking hand at an overhead banner that reads “HAPPY 4,287,633,815,990^TH BIRTHDAY!!!!”  After blowing out all the candles, the Birthday Ghoul is given a wrapped present by a banshee)

Birthday Ghoul: Aw, you guys, this really is too much!

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Think we can ask for a piece of cake?

Friend 2: I doubt it’s meant for our digestive systems.

(Guest 2 is tapped on the shoulder and turns to see a smiling demon)

Demon: Howdy, sinner – you can come with me now.

Guest 2: (Steadily increasing in pitch) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – ?????!!!!!!

Guest 1: Oh go on – don’t wimp out on me!

(A human wearing a shirt that reads “SECURITY” bounds up the attic stairs and quickly squirts the demon with a spray bottle that has a cross printed on the label)

Demon: (Wiping face) Ow!  Right in my eye!

Security: No souls here, how many times do we have to tell you?!  (To Guest 2) You all right?

Guest 2: Whaaaaaa – ?!

Security: Good.  (Turns and heads back downstairs) You all have less than five minutes on the clock so exit the farmhouse immediately when you’re back on the first floor.

(The group starts to run downstairs; Friend 1 peaks back into the attic)

Friend 1: Happy Birthday!

Birthday Ghoul: (Waves the unwrapped present, which is a hand-knit shawl) Thank you!

(Friend 2 yanks Friend 1 down the attic stairs, and the group huddles together to run down the main stairs and head to the back door.  Before they reach it, a zombie hand pops up from the broken floorboards in front of them)

Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Zombie: (Crawls up out of the floor and stands while brushing off dirt; small limbs also fall off) Am I too late?  Are you all on your way out?  (They nod in terror) Darnit – I snuck away for a quick break after the last group and lost track of the time.  Still, guess it won’t be a total loss.  (Clears throat and straightens up) Brains?

Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Zombie: (Takes a tally sheet out of a rotting pocket and makes a mark on it) Good, good – at this rate I’ll reach my quota by 11:00.

Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zombie: Oh sorry, you can go now. 

(The zombie steps aside and the group run out the back door, screaming all the way.  A figure suddenly blocks their path and they stop running but continue screaming)

Property Owner: Hiya, folks!  (They stop screaming) Thanks for visiting my Real Haunted House tonight, where everything you came across in there is an ab-so-lutely, 100%, genuine spook, straight from the afterlife! Would you mind taking an exit survey about your experience?  (Guests 1-4 resume screaming and run into the corn maze) Typical reaction.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) You two interested?

Friend 1: We get paid for it?

Property Owner: Free admission for another tour through the farmhouse – outhouse included this time.

Friend 2: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Friend 1: This one’s easily spooked.  (Is faced with grinding teeth)

Property Owner: Maybe I’ll catch you folks later.  (Heads back to a trailer to continue watching the house’s security cameras while eating popcorn and laughing)

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1) How do you keep finding these places?!

Friend 1: (Watching the lazy witch fly a motorized broom artfully across the full moon) Just lucky, I guess.