Story 397: Make Sure You Appreciate the Moment, Dangit!

 (At a family get-together, family members get together around a long dining room table in the only house that can fit everyone)

Head of Family: (Raises a glass to signal others to do the same) I’d like to take this moment to say, it’s great to see you all here today, and even though we have dinners like this for every major holiday we celebrate, we should never take each other or occasions like this for granted.

(Relative 1’s mouth drops open in mid-pasta-chew)

Relative 2: Hear, hear!

Relatives: Cheers!

Head of Family: Wait, I wasn’t finished yet!  (Relatives pause mid-sip) Soooo… umm….

Relative 3: Don’t take anything for granted?

Head of Family: Right!  Yes!  Don’t.  Bottom line: appreciate moments like this when we’re all together, and eating good food, and listening to that one over there’s work stories for the 88^th time –

Relative 4: Heh?

Head of Family: Love you all!  (Raises glass higher) Now you can cheer.

Relatives: Cheers!  (Everyone downs their drinks and then dives into the food)

Relative 3: (Sitting next to Relative 1) Something wrong with your dish?

Relative 1: (Had been staring into the middle distance) What?  No, it’s just – it’s finally sinking in that I don’t truly appreciate things as much as I should.

Relative 3: (Begins eating) Well, when you think about it, who really does?

Relative 1: Lots of people!  And I thought I did, but it’s suddenly crashing in on me that, dinner-in, dinner-out, I just assume this pasta will always be there, and always taste delicious.

Relative 5: Aw, thank you!

Relative 1: (Points to Relative 5) See!  I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for cooking us all dinner at these things in over 30 years!

Relative 5: It’s my pleasure – but it’s nice to hear every once in a while, too.  (Glares at the rest of the table)

 Relative 1: (Back to Relative 3) And I just shovel this food into my mouth, and don’t take the time to truly appreciate the flavor, or the work in making it, or the fact that we all can meet together like this and for the most part actually like each other, or the overwhelming love in this room!

(The other Relatives have stopped eating and now are staring at Relative 1)

Head of Family: Hey – don’t make this weird.

Relative 1: Sorry.  (Sheepishly starts eating again)

Relative 3: (As everyone else resumes the meal) I’m sure you’re fine; I wouldn’t worry much about whether you’re showing your gratitude enough, m’kay?  (Definitively turns away and begins talking with Relative 5)

Relative 1: (Whispers to the pasta) Too late….

(At a theater several days later, Relative 1 is leaning forward in the seat with wide-open eyes, taking in as much of the spectacle on stage as possible until intermission)

Relative 1: (Looks around as the house lights brighten and the entire theater stands up to go find the restrooms) Wait, I’m still trying to absorb the entire experience but my mind keeps jumping ahead to work tomorrow!

Theater-goer: Relax; it’ll start again in 15 minutes.

Relative 1: The curtain never goes up on time!

(At a retail store the next day, Relative 1 stands in a trance behind the cash register counter)

Coworker: (Walks over to Relative 1) Hey, what’s up with you?

Relative 1: (Still staring at the opposite end of the store) Oh, just taking it all in that I’ve been working here for almost five years, and it really is a nice environment to spend 40+ hours a week in, even when there’s an overwhelming amount of tasks and some customers just can’t help trolling us and some managers misplace their wrath on their beleaguered subordinates, you know.  (Looks at Coworker) You’re pretty cool to work with, did I ever tell you that?

Coworker: Uh, thanks, but I came here to give you a heads-up that you-know-who called out again so you’re going to have to cover the entire back half of the store in addition to the registers tonight.

Relative 1: Son of a – no, no, that is not the attitude I should be taking toward this situation.  Instead, I should view this as a stimulating challenge that I will ably conquer and look back upon fondly 10 years from now, when this era magically transforms from “The Annoying Times” to “The Good Old Days.”

Coworker: Hey, whatever works; I’m just riding this place out until graduation.  (Goes on break)

Relative 1: (Turns back to face the chaotic store and smiles as a line of customers materializes) You do you.

(In a dentist’s office the next day, Relative 1 is sitting in The Chair)

Dentist: (Holds X-rays up to the light) As you can see, years of failing to properly brush and floss combined with all the sugar you consume regularly have accumulated into the massive amounts of decay on every last one of your teeth – I’m going to have to put in fillings everywhere if there’s to be any hope of saving them, and even then it’ll be 50-50 for the molars.

Relative 1: (Grins wildly with rotten teeth) Pain, expense, added daily hygiene routines, possible bone loss: this is a valuable experience that I will endure stoically and later brag about to friends and enemies alike.  Drill away, Doc!  (Lies back on The Chair and opens mouth wide in a silent yell of triumph)

Dentist: (Mutters) Weirdo.  (Begins drilling enamel)

(At home the next day, Relative 1 is sitting on an armchair holding an ice pack against one side of the mouth when the phone rings)

Relative 1: (Speaking with swollen everything) Hi?

Relative 3: Hey, heard about your massive number of fillings – how’re you feeling now?

Relative 1: Could be better.  I’m actually just sitting around, contemplating my blessings of basic good health, loving family, comfortable life, etc., etc.

Relative 3: Oh, you’re still on that kick?  You know, you can appreciate life and all that, but if you keep focusing so much on trying to appreciate single moments it seems like you’re actually going to miss out on the things you’re trying to appreciate in the first place.

Relative 1: …Eh?

Relative 3: Don’t take anything too far, is what I’m saying.  Otherwise I’m going to spend Thanksgiving distracted seeing you zone out all over the place.

Relative 1: But how else am I gonna appreciate life to the utmost fullest?!

Relative 3: I don’t know; spot-check it, I guess!  And in the spirt of the topic, I’m going to appreciate my life more by ending this conversation now – bye.  (Hangs up)

Relative 1: (Sets down the phone and leans into the ice pack more) I just wish I could tell whether I’m appreciating the moment in the right amount.

Story 381: Bonding With a Stranger Over Pop Culture

 (At an anniversary dinner in a banquet hall, two couples and two singles are seated at that table during the lull between everyone arriving and the pasta course)

Guest 1: (To the others at the table) So, how do you all know the guests of honor?  We – (Gestures to Guest 2) used to play golf and mah-jongg with them, but once something major like knee surgery or moving out-of-state happens, these things just kind of drop off on their own, you know?

Guest 2: Yeah, that’s Life: things just happen.  Or stop happening, in this case.

Guest 3: Well, I used to work with both of them way back when, and then they got promoted and I got fired – the two events were unrelated, but they still invite me to all their stuff out of guilt for some reason.  I haven’t actually spoken to them outside of these things for over 20 years.

Guest 4: And I keep getting invited because we – (Gestures to Guest 3) were married; we divorced ages ago, but they don’t need to know that.

Guest 3: Least I could do: a free meal’s a free meal.

Guest 1: (To Guest 5 and Guest 6) And what about you two?

Guest 5: Distant cousin who didn’t make the cut for one of the family tables.

Guest 6: I met them once at my boss’s barbecue – I don’t even know how they got my address.

Guest 1: Oh.  Welcome.  (Servers deliver the pasta) Oh thank goodness – dig in!

(They all focus on the food and make it last as long as possible; the couples begin talking within their own units, while the singles continue on in silence.  Guest 5 cuts the pasta into miniscule pieces, and Guest 6 soon turns the old stand-by of playing on a cell phone)

Guest 6: (Scrolling through an article, grumbling) Aw no, someone posted spoilers already?  My night’s ruined.

Guest 5: (Maximizing the sauce) Everything OK?

Guest 6: (Distracted) Oh – yeah – just some show I watch; new episode’s on tonight and people already are posting spoilers.  It’s not even over yet; there’s still 20 minutes left.

Guest 5: Heh, is that Sword Slash?

Guest 6: (Perks up) Why, yes it is – you watch it?

Guest 5: Every week.  I’m gonna catch it after I get home from this, so please don’t tell me what everyone’s posting.

Guest 6: (Pockets the phone) Wouldn’t dream of it.  So, what do you think of the whole trapped-in-the-mountain storyline this season?

Guest 5: I’m on the fence about that: it’s an interesting change of pace, shake things up for the series –

Guest 6: Definitely after last season.

Guest 5: Oh yeah – those trolls?  The castle burning down for no good reason? The out-of-nowhere love triangle that nobody asked for?

Guest 6: Ugh, I hate love triangles.  Two people being mushy are bad enough and now we’ve got a third, adding their angst and drama?  Barf.

Guest 5: I know, it’s totally manufactured conflict and pads the runtime; take it out and we’d never miss it…. What was I saying earlier?

Guest 6: They’re all trapped in the mountain now.

Guest 5: Right – yes, good shake-up for the series, but after five episodes it’s getting a bit old, don’t you think?

Guest 6: Oh yeah, but they did have that whole issue with location filming so I can see why they had to keep the sets limited.

Guest 5: True, but still: how long can they all wander around the same bunch of tunnels and keep us interested?  I’m starting to feel the apathy creeping back in, and I used to be obsessed with this show two years ago.

Guest 6: Ah yes, The Golden Age when ---- ---- was still in the cast.  Too bad that one had to go off and make movies and be even more successful and whatever.

Guest 5: Speaking of, did you see their new movie?

Guest 6: (Servers deliver the main course, and Guest 5 and Guest 6 eat while talking) I did.  Not a fan.

Guest 5: Really?  I liked it, but it had its flaws.

Guest 6: I never thought I would use this term in my life, but I found the whole thing a bit bombastic.

Guest 5: Ouch.  I guess you could call it that.

Guest 6: Don’t get me wrong: acting was decent, writing was… passable, but the directing?  So.  Much.  Everything!

Guest 5: Oh yeah, my face was stuck in a cringe for the last hour, and I was sitting next to one of the speakers in the theater so that didn’t help.  Did they really need to show that many supernovas?  And I’m pretty sure there’s no sound in space, so why did we have to hear them all go “boom”?

Guest 6: I know.  The soundtrack was phenomenal, though; I actually bought it and it’s great to hear the music when it’s not overlaid by all the explosions and screams.

Guest 5: Ooh, I’ll have to check that out, thanks!

Guest 6: Sure.  I was surprised ---- did a song on it, during that one quiet scene by the neutron star.

Guest 5:  Really?  That was ----?  I love all their stuff, how could I’ve missed it?!

Guest 6: Easy to do: post-production added electromagnetic waves from stars over the vocals, I guess to emphasize how much in space we all were.  The soundtrack has just the vocals and the music, which usually bothers me when it’s changed from what was in the movie but in this case was an improvement.

Guest 5: I’ll have to get that album, then.  Did you get ----’s new one yet?

Guest 6: Yes, but it doesn’t have the movie song on it `cause of the rights or something.

Guest 5: Bummer; still, don’t you think the album’s amazing?

Guest 6: Sure do – listen to it all the time.  (Takes out the phone again)  Wanna listen to some of it now?

Guest 5: YES.

Guest 1: (Stands with Guests 2, 3, and 4) We’re all going to the buffet table for dessert – you two want some?

Guest 5: Nah, I’m good, thanks.

Guest 6: Yeah, we’re working on something here right now.  (Both lean closer to the phone to listen to the music)

Guest 1: (Mutters while heading to dessert) Weirdos.

(Later that night, Guest 5 greets parents while entering the house)

Guest 5: Hi!  I’m home!

Parent 1: Have a good time?  Or at least some good food?

Guest 5: Both!  I was at a table with a bunch of strangers, but I wound up talking to the one next to me about movies, and shows, and music – we pretty much liked all the same things, it was great!

Parent 2: How nice!  What was their name?

Guest 5: …Name?

Story 374: The Friend Who Came to Dinner….

 (In Hour 4 of a dinner with friends, Hosts 1 and 2’s eyes glaze over as their guest continues to sit across from them at the dining room table and shows no indication of leaving)

Friend: (Pouring another glass of soda) I don’t know about you two, but I personally think this year is gonna be just as bad as the last one, if not worse.

Host 1: (Stirs slightly out of a partial doze) Hm, what?

Friend: (Gulps down half a glass) Uh-huh.  And if you really think about it, every year on this planet since its very creation has been the worst: volcanoes, ice ages, earthquakes, disease, the great dinosaur wipe-out, the very chemical make-up of the atmosphere changing over and over again, and then we show up, in all our misery, and decide it’s not enough to make each other miserable, let’s bring all Earth’s species and the planet itself in on the fun while we’re at it!

Host 2: Oh, I don’t know about that –

Friend: (Finishes off the glass and slams it onto the table in emphasis; Hosts 1 and 2 jump slightly in their seats) I do know!  And the generations and generations of people trapped in poverty, abuse, despair, bigotry, war, crime, etc. ad infinitum, nine times out of 10 because of the mere fact they were born into this horror show called Life and their surroundings messed them over right out of the starting gate, makes me wish more and more every day that the whole set of shenanigans never even started in the first place.  (Begins nibbling on fennel)

Host 1: (Reluctant to continue the conversation) Is… there someone you want to talk to about all this?

Friend: (In mid-bite) I’m talking to you, aren’t I?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…. (Trails off giggling into the fennel)

Host 2: (Stretches around the back of the chair in order to see the clock in the living room) Oh my, didn’t realize it got so late, maybe it’s time you – (Is cut off by noises of a crowd outside running down the street)

Host 1: (Stands) What’s all that?

Friend: (Still holding the fennel) Humanity standing up for justice, possibly sprinkled with a few who ruin the whole thing for everybody?

(Host 1 goes to open the front door while Host 2 hangs back at the table)

Host 2: Sure that’s wise?

Host 1: Rather see what’s up instead of waiting to find out as something crashes through the window.

Friend: (Points the fennel at Host 1) My thoughts exactly.

(Host 1 opens the door to see a screaming crowd running away from a dragon shooting flames at them all the way down the block.  Host 1 swiftly closes and locks the door and turns around to block it as the house slightly shakes with impact tremors)

Host 1: We didn’t serve alcohol tonight, right?  (Host 2 and Friend shake their heads)

Friend: Well, guess this means we should hole up here for the night and keep constant vigil – I volunteer for third shift.

Host 2: No, this means we need to get out of here now before that thing gets us!

Host 1: (Looks out the front window) It seems to have passed us by.

Friend: Good, we hole up here, then.  (Grabs a nutcracker and goes to work on a bowl of walnuts)

Host 2: (Stares agitatedly at Friend, then joins Host 1 at the door) But my show’s coming on soon!

Host 1: (Stares incredulously at Host 2) There’s a little bit more going on at the moment!

Friend: You two don’t mind me; I’ll can keep busy while you go fight the dragon.  (CRACK)

Host 2: I am not fighting a dragon!

Friend: (Chewing) Good point: dragon’s just doing as dragons do, not its fault we’re its natural prey.  Let `em eat us all; I say good riddance to the lot.

Host 2: Arggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Host 1: You two – (A resounding crash is heard from down the street) Now what?!  (Grabs a baseball bat, unlocks the door, and heads out; Host 2 grabs a butter knife from the dining room table and heads out; Friend grabs another piece of fennel and heads out.  The three run into the street and see a screaming crowd from a different direction running away from a spaceship that had crashed onto the middle of the boulevard.  Two figures emerge from the top hatch)

Alien 1: (To Alien 2, broadcasting telepathically) You see?!  I told you we wanted the fourth planet from the star, not the third!

Alien 2: You said land on the blue and green one.

Alien 1: I said not to land on the blue and green one!  (Gestures to the haphazard screaming runners) Now look where you dropped us!  Right in the middle of these planet-ruiners!  You’d better get us out of here soon before we get sucked into their chaos!  (A passerby runs a hand lovingly over the ship; Alien 1 bats the hand away; to Alien 2) LAUNCH!

Alien 2: Don’t have to tell me twice – at least the red one’s nice and quiet.  (They close the hatch, power up the ship, and take off just before a solar flare streams through the night sky, sending a shock wave that knocks out electricity everywhere.  The screaming crowd now runs in all directions; Host 2 sinks down to the ground and rocks slowly while holding their head; and Host 1 defensively holds up the bat while scanning the area)

Friend: (Starts nibbling on the fennel) So – mind if I put on the coffee for dessert?

Story 317: No Thanks for What You’re Giving

            (Friend 2 gets into the passenger side of a car driven by Friend 1)

        Friend 2: (Once seated, sees that there are wadded-up tissues everywhere) Ewwwww!!!!!  Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Speaks with a clogged head and an interrupted throat) No, I don’t feel sick, it’s probably just allergies.  (Sneezes out the open window and drives)

           Friend 2: (Rolls down the passenger side window all the way – it is 22°F outside) I don’t believe you, and even if it is allergies how can you still want to go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner?

            Friend 1: (Wipes nose noisily) `S tradition.

          Friend 2: I think they’d understand.  I don’t even want to go now, what with the contamination.

          Friend 1: Would you relax?  It’s all symptoms, no substance – it’s literally all in my head.  (Coughs violently and nearly hits a deer standing on top of a grassy hill) I feel fine!

            Friend 2: (Holding head to shield from a collision) Liar.

            (At Friend 1’s family’s house)

            Friend 2: You go in first – I don’t want them to think I brought you and your infection here.

            Friend 1: You’re ridiculous.

            (Door opens)

            Cousin 1: Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving – come on in!  (Widens the door for Friend 1 and Friend 2 to enter and face everyone in the living room)

            Everyone: Hiiiiii!!!!

            Friend 1: `Abb-y Tanks-gibing, ebbry-one!

            (Everyone stares at Friend 1 in horror; Grandmother runs in from the kitchen)

            Grandmother: (Points an accusing wooden spoon at Friend 1) Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Blowing nose) Heh-heh-heh, no, it’s just allergies or change-of-season; I feel great!  (Sneeze-coughs)

           Grandmother: (To the rest of the room) No kissing, no hugging, no touching that one!  (Uses the wooden spoon to push Friend 1 to the farthest corner of the living room, kicks an Uncle out of a folding chair there, and points to it) Sit!

            Friend 1: Aw, Grandma – (Is whacked on the head by the wooden spoon) Ow!  (Sits)

           Grandmother: You’re lucky this isn’t the porch outside!  (To Friend 2) You!  Stay here, too – we’ll bring you both your food.

            Friend 2: (Whines) But why do I have to stay all the way out here?

            Grandmother: You’re contaminated!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) See!

           Grandmother: Go watch the parade and don’t move from this spot – dinner’s now delayed an hour thanks to your shenanigans!  (Returns to the kitchen while everyone moans)

            Friend 1: (Pulls a wine bottle out of a bag) Well, if I’m shoved into this corner then I guess no one’ll be needing this – (Cousin 2 snatches it away) Hey!  Isn’t that “contaminated” now?

            Cousin 2: (While rubbing the bottle all over with a bleach wipe) This is actually the one thing where the contents self-disinfect.

FOUR HOURS LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch next to Friend 1’s chair, which is surrounded by growing piles of tissues, plates of snacks, and “DO NOT CROSS” tape)

          Friend 2: (Staring at the TV) You know, this situation has given me a whole new appreciation for football as a sport.

        Friend 1: (Watching a movie on a phone) Wonderful.  (Sneezes; a passing Aunt sprays disinfectant in the Friends’ direction) That’ll just make me sneeze more!

            Aunt: But it’ll be a clean sneeze.

            Grandmother: OK everyone, sit down, dinner’s ready!

            Uncle: Hee-hee, we’re already sitting down.

            Grandmother: Smart mouths get served last!

          (There is a rush to the two adult tables and the kitchen kiddie table; Friend 1 looks around, then darts to an empty chair at one of the bigger tables)

            Cousin 3: Grand-ma!  My cousin’s trying to break quaran-tine!

           (Wearing oven mitts, Grandmother grabs Friend 1 by the ear and tosses the body back onto the folding chair in the living room)

           Friend 1: (All the way back) Ow – ow – ow – ow – cough – cough – cough – gasp – gasp – cough –

            Grandmother: (Grabs a bunch of cough drops from her apron pocket and flings them at Friend 1) I’d better not hear another sound from this corner or you get nuthin’ from the table, do you hear me?!  (To Friend 2) What would you like for dinner, dear?

            Friend 2: Um, could I have a drumstick and some sides, please?  And a glass of milk?

            Grandmother: Of course.  (Turns to leave)

            Friend 1: Could I have all that too, please?  (Sneezes)

         Grandmother: I’ll think about it.  (To the tables) Now – everyone, take a turn saying what you’re thankful for.

            Aunt: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Uncle: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 4: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 5: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Friend 1: (Mutters) Brats.  (Sneezes)

TWO HOURS LATER

            Friend 1: (Wrapped in a blanket and holding a tissue) You think they’ll let me sneak a piece of apple pie from the table?

            Friend 2: How can you even be thinking of food right now – you look like you’re dying!

          Friend 1: Still hungry, which means I’m NOT SICK!  (Shouted at the main table, which the relatives playing cards there ignore)

            Grandmother: (Carrying a coffee urn) Everyone, sit down – dessert!

          (Rush to the two main tables, since one-third of the original company had moved on to the next set of families)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Grab me a chocolate doughnut, would you?  (Coughs a lot)

            Friend 2: Ew, no; I’ll get you some tea.

          Grandmother: Oh no, you don’t – no one from that corner of the room moves until everyone else has left for the night!

            Friend 2: (In a small voice) But I have to go to the bathroom.

          (Everyone digs into the multitude of desserts; Friend 1 watches sullenly, then begins cough-laughing)

            Friend 2: What, aren’t you still bitter?

            Friend 1: Yeah, but joke’s on them: this means I don’t have to help clean up this year.