Story 462: Campfire Tale of Horror

(Around the evening campfire, Counselor and five Children sit on logs roasting marshmallows)

Child 1: I had so much fun today, it’s gonna be hard falling asleep tonight!

Counselor: Well, it’s a good thing tomorrow’s Sunday then, so you all have a day to recover at home before back to school on Monday.

Child 2: School, ugh!

Children 1-5: Uggghhhh!!!

Counselor: Ingrates.  (Tests a marshmallow with fingertips, then passes around chocolate and crackers for everyone to make s’mores) So!  Since it’s almost Halloween and we’re in the proper setting, would you like to hear a… serious and heartfelt story?

Children 1-5: (All shake their heads and laugh) Nooo!!!

Child 3: We want to hear a scary story!

Counselor: Ah, of course.  (Hastily finishes off the s’more) OK then, what should it be about?  Witches?  Werewolves?  Vampires?  Mummies?  Zombies?  (The Children shake their heads on each one) I’m running out of the classics here, kids.

Child 4: Those are all overdone – we want something really scary!

Child 5: Yeah, something that’ll give us nightmares!

Counselor: You may regret that….

Children 1-5: (Cheering over each other) Tell us a scary story!  Make us scream!  Haunt our dreams!

Counselor: Fine, fine!  If you insist.  (Wipes messy hands and leans forward; Children do likewise) This is a tale to freeze the blood, chill the heart, and send shivers down the spine – good thing we’re all sitting around a nice hot fire, right?

Child 1: Not to be rude, but this sounds like it’s going to be one of those tales that really aren’t that scary anymore.

Counselor: (Gets a devilish look) Oh, just you wait.  I call this –

 THE TALE OF THE UNSTOPPABLE LIFE CHANGES

             Children 1-5: …What?!

            Counselor: Don’t interrupt.

 Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a child, right around your age, who loved life, and was loved by life….

(In black-and-white overtones, Child (who looks like a younger version of Counselor) is skipping down a residential sidewalk in glee)

Child: (Smiling as wide as humanly possible) La, la, la, la, la….

Narrator: Not a care in the world, and knew that all was well and would always be well.  Until, one day –

(The robed figure of Adulthood jumps out from the nearby hedges)

Adulthood: Ta-da!

Child: (Stops skipping, but smile never falters) Why, hello!  And who might you be?

Adulthood: Your future, kid.

Child: Why, whatever could you mean?  I feel so grand about all things all the time, and you look terrible!

Adulthood: Life’ll do that to ya – mind if I sit down?  (Points to a nearby bench)  That surprise entrance did my knees and lungs no favors.

Child: But of course!  Do you also need to lean upon my youthful shoulder?

Adulthood: Not yet, but don’t wander off, either.  (Staggers over to the bench and collapses on it; Child follows and stands nearby)

Child: Do you need a glass of water and a pillow, oh Elder One?

Adulthood: (Wipes sweat from forehead) No!  Now listen up: you’ve had a good run; you were extremely lucky in having a loving family and living in comfortable, healthy surroundings; but all that’s done and it’s time for you to pupate into the horrors of puberty to reach your final destination of end-stage adult.

Child: (Still smiling; blinks once) I don’t follow.

Adulthood: Now, I’m not saying that I’m what you’re going to turn into, but judging by your parents, peers, and current trajectory, it’s pretty likely.  Scratch that: almost guaranteed.

Child: I know this sounds cold and disrespectful, but you appear to be an absolute failure.

Adulthood: In one.

Child: Then how could I possibly resemble you in any way once I have emerged from my glorious life cocoon?  I’m getting such good grades in school, and have such great friends, and I’m doing so well in basketball, and I just made finals in our geography tournament this year –

Adulthood: Kid.

Child: Yes?

Adulthood: I’m torn on whether to laugh or cry right now – either of which, I assure you, would be done most hysterically.

Child: Whyever is that?

Adulthood: At the end of the day, all your grades and activities and school-age achievements will mean bupkis: your success or failure in life will depend primarily on who you know, being in the right place at the right time, and putting in exorbitantly much more work than the person next to you.

Child: (Turns to the empty space next to both of them, then back to Adulthood; smile starts to falter) Huh?

Adulthood: And even if you’re lucky enough to be what this society deems “a success,” you’ll never be able to enjoy it: if the stress doesn’t destroy you, your neglect of your family if they still speak to you, any friends you might have left, life partner if you snag one, and/or any actual kids of your own, and their resentment of you in turn, will make you wonder why on Earth anybody does anything.

Child: (Smile fades further) What?

Adulthood: Oh, speaking of kids: your body’s going to start all those lovely life changes soon so you’ll be able to pop out another version of yourself, at least in theory; even if you don’t wind up going through with it, doesn’t matter, hormones and body transformation’re on their way, so kiss your last moments of unblemished happiness good-bye, `cause you are never getting them back.

Child: (Starting to whimper) Umm….

Adulthood: But, as much as you’re going to dislike your new form with its useless excess hair and pimples and glands that seem to do more harm than good, you’d better take special care of it with healthy food, regular exercise, a full night’s sleep, and regular doctor check-ups, or else your eventual “golden” years will be absolute torture, with no reprieve except the final one, and who would actually want to wish for that?!

Child: (Begins to cry) Why are you saying all these mean things?

Adulthood: They’re not mean, they’re just true.  At least now you’re prepared, right?  (Stands as Child cries harder) Oh, almost forgot: everything that is so much fun for you right now, all your joys and pleasures and good times, will slowly, inexorably, one-by-one, become… BORING.

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Children 1-5: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Camp Director: (Jogs over to the group as Children 1-5 stop screaming) What is going on here?!  Is anyone hurt?!

Counselor: Oh no, just telling them a spooky story, no big deal, right, kids?

Camp Director: (Sees Children 1-5 nodding with wide eyes and shivering) Must’ve been a doozy.  All right, everyone come back to your tents, it’s bedtime! 

(They shakily gathering their belongings; Counselor wiggles both arms in a mock scare at them, making them laugh in relief as they walk back to their tents with Camp Director.  Counselor chuckles a bit before turning back to extinguish the fire and clean up the site.  Suddenly, a twig snaps; Counselor freezes, sensing there are others nearby, waiting.  Feeling a chill, Counselor slowly turns around to face the surrounding woods.  Standing at the tree line, not 10 feet away, are a Witch, a Werewolf, a Vampire, a Mummy, and a Zombie)

Counselor: (Gulps) Ummm….

Vampire: (Steps forward cautiously) On behalf of my fellows, we wanted to know: that was only a story to scare the children, yes?

Counselor: …Ye-es, only a story, all in the spirit of the season.

(The others visibly relax and laugh in relief)

Mummy: Oh good, we were worried for a moment there that it was true!

Zombie: Or at the very least, a petrifying allegory!

Witch: That would have been a real horror, let me tell you!

(They all cackle uproariously; Counselor forces out a few laughs, and they all wave farewell as the group turns back to the woods.  Counselor shakily turns back to finish cleaning up and is met by Werewolf, who instantly appears opposite from where the rest of the group had been)

Werewolf: (Speaking in a growl) I must say, even though that was all made-up, you humans sure are a scary bunch!

Counselor: (Laughs nervously very loudly, then suddenly sobers and looks inwardly) That we are.

Story 437: Babysitting for Family

 (At a house in suburbia)

Parent: (To Child as they both wait in the living room) Now, your cousin’ll be here any minute – you remember what I told you for tonight?

Child: Uh-huh: don’t waste any food at dinner; put everything in the dishwasher; not too much TV; do board games first.

Parent: Very good – and?

Child: Oh yeah: don’t swallow, run around with, or otherwise roughhouse with anything that doesn’t belong in the body.

Parent: (Hugs Child) Excellent.  (Knock at the front door) Here we go!  (Opens the door and sees Teen; waves at Cousin as the latter drives away from the house) Hi!  It’s so good to see you!  (Hugs Teen briefly)

Teen: Hi – am I late?  (Half-hugs Child) Hey there, squirt.

Child: Howdy.

Parent: Not at all, you’re right on time!  (Gathers belongings to head out the door) So, you two are going to have a great time tonight – I left a pizza in the freezer, and ice cream’s in there too if you want some later –

Teen: (Licks lips) Yum.

Parent: Oh, and all the phone numbers you might need are on the fridge; mine’s on top, police, fire –

Child: Poison Control?

Parent: Yes dear, if either of you wind up mistaking the clearly labeled bleach for water then that number’s there, too.  I think that’s it; any questions?

Teen: Yeah, when’s bedtime around here?

Parent: Oh, well, it’s not a school night so you don’t have to worry about that.

Teen: Sweet.

Parent: (Hugs Child and heads for the door) Now, you both be good!

Child and Teen: We will!

Parent: (At the open door) And call me if there’s anything you’re not sure about, OK?

Child and Teen: OK!

Parent: (Blowing kisses) Love you – bye!  (Closes the door and drives off)

Teen: (Spins on heel to face Child) So.  The house is ours, then.

Child: I guess.  Wanna play Amalgamation?

Teen: Nah, that one takes forever and the mergers are never satisfying.  Let’s watch TV, I never get to see the shows I want at home.

Child: Uh… the cable’s out.

Teen: Oh.  You got a laptop or something with Internet then?  I’m sure someone around here’s got a subscription service I can force myself into.

Child: Uhhhh…. (The landline phone rings)

Teen: (Jumps in shock) Ah!  Who’s that?!

Child: Dunno – there’s no caller ID on that one.  (Phone keeps ringing)

Teen: Well you live here, you should answer it!

Child: OK, I was going to let it go to voicemail, but sure.  (Picks up the receiver) Hello?

Voice 1: Hello.  Don’t hang up – (Child hangs up)

Teen: (Peeking from behind a kitchen chair) Who was it?!

Child: A robot.

Teen: (Gasps) We’re finally under attack from A.I.?!

Child: No, it probably just wanted to sell us insurance.  I’m actually getting hungry – wanna do dinner now?

Teen: (Emerging from behind the chair) Sure, there’s nothing else to do.

(They have the pizza, dump the dishes and glasses in the dishwasher, and enter the Post-Dinner Lull)

Teen: Soooo, whaddya do for fun around here?  Last time we came over you had that basketball hoop in the driveway.

Child: …It’s broken.  Hey, wanna watch a movie?

Teen: I thought the cable was out.

Child: I meant on DVD.

Teen: How retro.  Sure, whatcha got?

(They review the choices on shelves by the entertainment center)

Teen: (Points to a title) That one’ll give you nightmares.

Child: (Peers closer) It’s rated “G.”

Teen: Then someone out there made a mistake, because those goblins were most certainly not family-friendly.  (Grabs a case) Ooh, how about this one?

Child: (Reads the cover, then looks up at Teen) This one’s rated “R.”

Teen: I know, but all my friends’ve seen it and they said there’s barely any blood and gore – my parents wouldn’t let me go see it though; they’re the worst.

Child: I like them.

Teen: (Flops on the couch and grabs two remotes to start up the TV and DVD player) Yeah, well, you don’t have to be their kid!

Child: (Sits slowly next to Teen) I’m sure they mean well.

Teen: Yeah, yeah.  (Jumps in seat when there is a knock on the door) Who is that?!

Child: (Stares at Teen) Should I answer it then?

Teen: (Dives behind the couch) You betcha!

Child: (Walks to the front door but does not open it) Who is it?

Voice 2: Just a friendly salesperson offering a brand spanking new set of encyclopedias!

Teen: (Pops up from behind the couch) Liar!  Those went extinct years ago!

Child: We don’t want any, thank you.

Voice 2: (Droopingly) Nobody does.  (Footsteps recede)

Teen: (Climbs back over the couch to sit as Child returns) That was scary – let’s go watch the movie.  (Resumes remote work)

Child: Uh… I have an idea!

Teen: Better than space horror?

Child: Yes!  (Grabs one of the books scattered throughout the room) Can you read this to me, please?  I need it for school.

Teen: (Grabs the book and raises an eyebrow while reading the title) Sense and Sensibility?  A little advanced for the 5^th grade, isn’t it?

Child: Exactly: I’m in an advanced class.  (Cuddles next to Teen and looks up expectantly)

Teen: (Sighs, then shuts down the entertainment system and opens up the book) Fine – I could use a little Jane Austen wit right about now.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(Parent unlocks and opens the front door)

Parent: I’m home!  How is everybody?

(Child and Teen wake up from dozing on the couch)

Child: (Runs to hug Parent) You’re home, yay!

Parent: (Laughing) Silly.  Did you two have a good time?

Teen: (Rubbing eyes and stretching) Yep – learned everything we ever wanted to know about Regency English laws of property entailment and primogeniture.

(Parent looks down at Child in confusion)

Child: It was amazing.

Parent: Well, that’s… lovely.  (Teen subtly returns the movie to the shelf as Parent hangs up coat) So, did you have any dessert?

Teen: (Slumps) Argh, I missed it!

Child: The pizza was enough.

(There is a knock at the front door)

Parent: Perfect timing!  (Opens the door to Cousin and they hug) Hi!  This worked out well – I just got home now from the reunion, too!

Cousin: (Hugs Child) Great!  (To Teen) You ready to go, kiddo?

Teen: (To Parent) Actually, since we’ve got a bit of a ride, can I use your bathroom first?

Parent: Sure!  You remember where it is?

Teen: Oh yeah, I always secure those locations wherever I go.  (Trots away)

Cousin: (To Child) You two have a good time tonight, hm?

Child: It was… entertaining.

Cousin: Hope kiddo there wasn’t too much of a handful; I really appreciate you babysitting tonight, by the way.

Child: Of course – that’s what family’s for.

Story 419: Delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus

 (In a crowded post office in mid-December)

Postal Worker 1: (Processing transactions on autopilot) Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need guaranteed two-day delivery for an extra $22.65 –

Customer 1: No.

Postal Worker 1: Need any stamps –

Customer 1: No-no-no-what’s-the-total?

Postal Worker 1: (Types a few keys after weighing the packages) $172.49.

Customer 1: (Roughly swipes a credit card through the reader on the counter) This is the last time I’m sending those brats what they demand on their gimme list – next year everyone’s getting gift cards and they can buy their own garbage.

Postal Worker 1: That’s my philosophy.  (Moves the packages to another area for shipping and hands over the receipt) Happy Holidays.

Customer 1: (Shoves the receipt into a wallet) Thanks, but they haven’t been for years.  (Navigates through the crowd to the exit in a funk)

Postal Worker 1: (Mutters while running a report on the cash register) I hear ya.  (Peers closer at the computer screen as Customer 2 approaches the counter) What do you mean, the drawer’s short $9.72?!  I’ve barely opened it today!

Postal Worker 2: (Stationed at the next register; does not look up from processing a transaction) All I know is, if this sound system plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” one more time, my brain’s gonna melt right outta my ears.

Postal Worker 1: (Still staring at the computer screen as Customer 2 places a package on the counter) Yeah, that one and “Jingle Bells.”  Or “Deck the Halls.”  Or – you know what, pretty much all of them; just give me silence as the soundtrack for the rest of the year.  (Glances up and sees Customer 2 is a 10-year-old child) Hello, how can I help you today – need any stamps?

Customer 2: I have a delivery for Santa and Mrs. Claus, please.

Postal Worker 1: (Turns attention back to the computer screen) Letters to Santa go in the special mailbox in the lobby.

Customer 2: Oh no, this actually is a gift – for Santa and Mrs. Claus.  (Postal Worker 1 looks up sharply) I mean, they give so much to all of us, I just wanted to give them a small token of appreciation, if that’s all right.

Postal Worker 1: (Solemnly straightens up, pulls out a golden whistle from an uniform pocket, and fills the building with a resounding blast – all activity on the line, at the counter, and in the back room come to a complete halt) Attention, staff members: WE HAVE A DELIVERY FOR SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

(The overhead music screeches to a stop; an inner door at the other end of the lobby flies open and a bundled-up figure driving a dogsled bursts through the crowd to stop in front of Customer 2)

Dogsled Driver: (Points to the box) This the package for the Clauses?

Customer 2: (Nods while pulling out money from pants pockets) Yes, please – how much does shipping to the North Pole cost?

Postal Worker 1: (Wiping away tears) It’s free, bless your little child heart!  Anything liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable?

Customer 2: (Pauses, then shakes head) No, nothing like that.  (Picks up the box and hands it to the Dogsled Driver) I think I got here early enough for this to arrive before Christmas Eve, right?

Dogsled Driver: (Straps the box securely to the sled) Oh, don’t you worry young’un: I’ll get this there in less than a day.  (Gestures to the dog team) They fly like the reindeer, and only go on strike half as much.

Lead Dog: That reminds me: we’re due for one on December 28, if that’s convenient.

Dogsled Driver: (Checks a pocket calendar) Yep, all good for a work stoppage then.  (Hops onto the back of the sled)  Mush, please.  (As the dogs pull the sled back through the lobby and out the front door) Onward to the North Pole!

(The other customers and postal workers applaud wildly and weep loudly in equal measure)

Customer 2: (To Postal Worker 1) Wow, thanks – after all this, I hope they like it.

Postal Worker 1: (Loudly blowing nose) Stop, I’m dissolving in a puddle of cuteness overload here!

(In the North Pole, Dogsled Driver arrives at the house of the Clauses, releases the package from its straps, and raps smartly on the front door)

Santa Claus: (Opening the door) Well ho-ho-hold the phone, I haven’t seen you up here in ages!

Dogsled Driver: (Hands over the package) Hiya, Santa – I have a very special delivery for you and Mrs. Claus from a very special child in the Lower 48 of the US of A.

Santa Claus: Aw, isn’t that precious.  (Calls back into the house) Darling!  There’s a delivery – for us!

Mrs. Claus: (Appears in the doorway carrying a blowtorch and lifting up a face shield) Well, that is very kind indeed – (Sees Dogsled Driver) Hello there; why don’t you and your crew come into the kitchen for milk and cookies?  I’ve got them in oatmeal raisin and bacon.

Dogsled Driver: Gee, thanks Mrs. Claus!  You know, I tried extra hard to be good this year –

Lead Dog: Quit yer yappin’: we’re already getting the treats, don’t gild the lily!  (The dogs drag the sled into the house, Driver holding on at the back)

(Santa and Mrs. Claus close the door and bring the package into a brightly decorated room filled with ornament-festooned trees, toys, model villages, and other seasonal knick-knacks.  They open the box and take out several pairs of different-colored comfy socks, along with a note)

Santa Claus: (Reads) “Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, I hope I got the right sizes, but if not then I hope your magic can take care of that; I included the gift receipts just in case.  Anyway, thank you for all you do every year, and please know that we all appreciate the good will and cheer you bring to this world.  Sincerely, A Grateful Child (My parents say a gift should be given without expecting anything in return so that’s why this is anonymous, but you may know it’s me anyway)”.  Sweet child, Santa always knows!

Mrs. Claus: (Picks up one of the pairs of socks) Oh my, so very cozy!  These’ll be perfect for my sore feet – how thoughtful!

Santa Claus: (While holding up another pair) And just when I was starting to question why I continue to put us all through this.

Mrs. Claus: Don’t you question that every year?

Santa Claus: Some years more so than others.

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Story 286: Self-Appointed Travel Agent

            (The Family gathered `round for a social media fireside chat)

           Parent 1: Right, since no one else has taken the initiative this year, I’m going to go ahead and plan our entire summer vacation, everyone OK with that?  Speak now, or never complain about anything ever again.

            Parent 2: OK.

            Child 1: OK.

            Child 2: OK.

            Cousin: OK.

            Parent 1: Who invited you?!

            Cousin: You did, last year.

            Parent 1: I what?  Oh yeah, never mind.  Well, if you still want to be the fifth wheel, you have absolutely no input regarding the week we go or the activities we do.

            Cousin: Fine by me – I do nothing anyway, so this’ll be a nice change.

            Child 1: Can we go to Disney World this year?

            Parent 1: We already did Disney World!

            Child 1: Yeah, like 25 years ago!  I wanna go again!

            Parent 1: You’re a grown man, son, no more Disney for you!

            Child 1: I’m stuck in arrested development!  And Disney owns everything and is a nerd haven now; those are my people!

            Child 2: I veto Disney and propose Qatar.

            Parent 1: Where now?!

          Child 2: It’s like Las Vegas, only more refined.  Everyone there is super-rich and I want to absorb their joy.

            Parent 2: I vote for Glastonbury Festival.

            Parent 1: Not this again – last time you hated all the bands and forgot to bring the tent so we had to re-enact Woodstock conditions!

         Parent 2: I realized later what a truly memorable experience it was and I would appreciate it all the more this time.  In a luxury tent.

          Parent 1: Well I veto you all since you literally had an entire year to make up your minds before now.  I declare that this summer, our destination will be: Cape April.

            Parent 2: Oh.

            Child 1: Oh.

            Child 2: Oh.

            Cousin: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

          Parent 1: My decision is final and I will brook no argument – you either remain on complaint silence throughout the entire stay, or book your own vacation that you then will take alone and bored.

            Parent 2: Well, that town is very tranquil.

          Parent 1: It is a city, it is bristling with activities, and the whole thing was made a historic landmark so it is a very exciting place to be!  We will be taking enriching self-guided tours and steeping ourselves in cultured talks and lounging for hours at the dignified beaches and there will be absolutely no whining, DO YOU HEAR ME????

            Child 2: Please stop yelling by text – it hurts my ears and I don’t know why.

          Child 1: If you’re going to be the one booking everything, do we still have to split all the costs?

            Parent 1: You have five seconds to withdraw that abominable question.

ON THE VACATION

            (The Family arrives by car and checks into their multi-room suite)

            Parent 1: All right, now that the interminable check-in process finally is over, I want to review our itinerary for the week.  (Flicks open a five-foot long scroll)

            Parent 2: Wiiiillllll we have time for all this?

          Parent 1: Yes: I have everything scheduled down to the minute, so I require everyone’s full cooperation.  Now, we have precisely 23 said minutes to go over this and then relax before we head over to the city center for the two hours allotted to “Shopping Time.”

            Cousin: (Sprawled across an armchair, rolls head back) Uggggghhhhhh…..

           Parent 1: I had no choice: the activity would have been done no matter what, so at least this way I control the location and duration.

            Child 2: Aw, no fair, I also wanted to shop over on the west side!  And the east side!  And the south side!  And two hours isn’t nearly enough for all of that!

            Parent 1: Too bad, it’s this or nothing!  Now, when we return from that, it’s off to dinner next door for 1.5 to 2 hours depending on the crowds, then miniature golf down the street for another hour, then ice cream that we can eat on the way back, then if all goes well, a few rounds of pinochle in the room here before promptly retiring to bed at 10:30 p.m. sharp.  Tomorrow, we get up at 6:00 a.m. for an hour run before breakfast back in the room here, then off by quaint trolley car to the Historical Society to listen to a rousing session on “The Legacy of Colonial Imperialism: How Nostalgic Décor Masks the Truth of Oppression,” then –

            Parent 2: Wait a minute, when are we going to go to the beach?

           Parent 1: I’m getting to that!  Then, it’s lunchtime at the café on the corner, which should wrap up by 1:30 p.m. at the latest so we have enough time to get changed and head over to the beach, which we then should leave by 5:00 p.m. at the latest so we can get to dinner by 6:30 p.m. at the latest –

            Cousin: Whatever – I’m going to be surfing all day every day, so just let me know what times you’re eating and maybe I’ll meet up with you.  I’ll probably just grab something, though.

            Parent 1: Just… grab… something?  Where?  When?  What?

           Cousin: I’ll figure it out; there're tons of places around here and they’re open extra late for all the tourists, which we are.

            Parent 1: But – but – the uncertainty –

           Child 1: Yeah, I think I’ll skip both the talk and the beach tomorrow: I saw there’s a dolphin watching boat nearby and I want to go on that instead.

            Parent 1: Dolphin watching’s on Thursday!

            Child 2: I think I’ll skip tomorrow, too – I really just want to shop in a bunch of stores, then spent the rest of the week here at the beach.

            Parent 1: I quite generously carved out two hours today to get those shenanigans out of your system!  You can shop anywhere and anytime back at home!  

            Child 2: Yeah, but they have cool shore stuff here.

            Parent 1: Stuff?!

           Parent 2: You know, I wanted to hike in The Nature Conservancy preserve that’s down here, and there isn’t one anywhere by us – is that on the itinerary?

           Parent 1: Why would it be?!  Why would you be hiking at a time like this, we are on vacation, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING!!!

         Cousin: (Gently plucks the scroll from Parent 1’s wildly waving hand) How about we all go through this together and decide which items which of us want to do, and arrange to meet up throughout the day?

           Parent 1: (Collapses onto the sleeper sofa) Oh all right, this trip is already chaos, might as well give into the anarchy!

            Parent 2: There now, doesn’t letting go feel relaxing?

            Parent 1: No!  Well maybe a bit.