(The
Family gathered `round for a social media fireside chat)
Parent
1: Right, since no one else has taken the initiative this year, I’m going to go
ahead and plan our entire summer vacation, everyone OK with that? Speak now, or never complain about anything
ever again.
Parent
2: OK.
Child
1: OK.
Child
2: OK.
Cousin:
OK.
Parent
1: Who invited you?!
Cousin:
You did, last year.
Parent
1: I what? Oh yeah, never mind. Well, if you still want to be the fifth
wheel, you have absolutely no input regarding the week we go or the activities
we do.
Cousin:
Fine by me – I do nothing anyway, so this’ll be a nice change.
Child
1: Can we go to Disney World this year?
Parent
1: We already did Disney World!
Child
1: Yeah, like 25 years ago! I wanna go
again!
Parent
1: You’re a grown man, son, no more Disney for you!
Child
1: I’m stuck in arrested development!
And Disney owns everything and is a nerd haven now; those are my people!
Child
2: I veto Disney and propose Qatar.
Parent
1: Where now?!
Child
2: It’s like Las Vegas, only more refined.
Everyone there is super-rich and I want to absorb their joy.
Parent
2: I vote for Glastonbury Festival.
Parent
1: Not this again – last time you hated all the bands and forgot to bring the
tent so we had to re-enact Woodstock conditions!
Parent
2: I realized later what a truly memorable experience it was and I would
appreciate it all the more this time. In
a luxury tent.
Parent
1: Well I veto you all since you literally had an entire year to make up your
minds before now. I declare that this
summer, our destination will be: Cape April.
Parent
2: Oh.
Child
1: Oh.
Child
2: Oh.
Cousin:
YESSSSSSS!!!!!
Parent
1: My decision is final and I will brook no argument – you either remain on complaint
silence throughout the entire stay, or book your own vacation that you then
will take alone and bored.
Parent
2: Well, that town is very tranquil.
Parent
1: It is a city, it is bristling with activities, and the whole thing
was made a historic landmark so it is a very exciting place to be! We will be taking enriching self-guided tours
and steeping ourselves in cultured talks and lounging for hours at the
dignified beaches and there will be absolutely no whining, DO YOU HEAR ME????
Child
2: Please stop yelling by text – it hurts my ears and I don’t know why.
Child
1: If you’re going to be the one booking everything, do we still have to split
all the costs?
Parent
1: You have five seconds to withdraw that abominable question.
ON THE VACATION
(The
Family arrives by car and checks into their multi-room suite)
Parent
1: All right, now that the interminable check-in process finally is over, I
want to review our itinerary for the week.
(Flicks open a five-foot long scroll)
Parent
2: Wiiiillllll we have time for all this?
Parent
1: Yes: I have everything scheduled down to the minute, so I require everyone’s
full cooperation. Now, we have precisely
23 said minutes to go over this and then relax before we head over to the city
center for the two hours allotted to “Shopping Time.”
Cousin:
(Sprawled across an armchair, rolls head back) Uggggghhhhhh…..
Parent
1: I had no choice: the activity would have been done no matter what, so at
least this way I control the location and duration.
Child
2: Aw, no fair, I also wanted to shop over on the west side! And the east side! And the south side! And two hours isn’t nearly enough for all of
that!
Parent
1: Too bad, it’s this or nothing! Now,
when we return from that, it’s off to dinner next door for 1.5 to 2 hours
depending on the crowds, then miniature golf down the street for another hour,
then ice cream that we can eat on the way back, then if all goes well, a few
rounds of pinochle in the room here before promptly retiring to bed at 10:30
p.m. sharp. Tomorrow, we get up at 6:00
a.m. for an hour run before breakfast back in the room here, then off by quaint
trolley car to the Historical Society to listen to a rousing session on “The
Legacy of Colonial Imperialism: How Nostalgic Décor Masks the Truth of
Oppression,” then –
Parent
2: Wait a minute, when are we going to go to the beach?
Parent
1: I’m getting to that! Then, it’s
lunchtime at the café on the corner, which should wrap up by 1:30 p.m. at
the latest so we have enough time to get changed and head over to
the beach, which we then should leave by 5:00 p.m. at the latest
so we can get to dinner by 6:30 p.m. at the latest –
Cousin:
Whatever – I’m going to be surfing all day every day, so just let me know what
times you’re eating and maybe I’ll meet up with you. I’ll probably just grab something, though.
Parent
1: Just… grab… something? Where? When?
What?
Cousin:
I’ll figure it out; there're tons of places around here and they’re open extra
late for all the tourists, which we are.
Parent
1: But – but – the uncertainty –
Child
1: Yeah, I think I’ll skip both the talk and the beach tomorrow: I saw there’s
a dolphin watching boat nearby and I want to go on that instead.
Parent
1: Dolphin watching’s on Thursday!
Child
2: I think I’ll skip tomorrow, too – I really just want to shop in a bunch of
stores, then spent the rest of the week here at the beach.
Parent
1: I quite generously carved out two hours today to get those shenanigans out of your
system! You can shop anywhere and
anytime back at home!
Child
2: Yeah, but they have cool shore stuff here.
Parent
1: Stuff?!
Parent
2: You know, I wanted to hike in The Nature Conservancy preserve that’s down here,
and there isn’t one anywhere by us – is that on the itinerary?
Parent
1: Why would it be?! Why would you be
hiking at a time like this, we are on vacation, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE
RELAXING!!!
Cousin:
(Gently plucks the scroll from Parent 1’s wildly waving hand) How about we all go
through this together and decide which items which of us want to do, and
arrange to meet up throughout the day?
Parent
1: (Collapses onto the sleeper sofa) Oh all right, this trip is already chaos,
might as well give into the anarchy!
Parent
2: There now, doesn’t letting go feel relaxing?
Parent
1: No! Well maybe a bit.
