Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 581: Covering Up Your Celebrity Crush

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit at a café table with their hot drinks and sugary snacks)

Friend 1: (After a gulp of still-too-hot tea) I can’t believe I missed St. Patrick’s Day this year.

Friend 2: (Takes the time to bite into a muffin and enjoy it before answering) Why?  It’s not like you ever go to any of the parades or excessively drink liquor or eat all the corned beef.

Friend 1: I know, but I forgot to get Irish soda bread and now none’ll be in stores for another 360 days, and I miss it.

Friend 2: You could always make it yourself.

(They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into hysterical laughter)

Friend 1: (Wipes away tears) Ho-ho, that was a good one.

Friend 2: Yeah, sometimes I even crack myself up.  (Briefly checks a cell phone alert) Oh, I see I almost forgot, but my daily movie rewards membership notice made sure to remind me: that film you really want to see is coming out next week, so if you like I’ll get us tickets over the weekend and we can go Tuesday night around 7 or something.

Friend 1: (In mid-bite, confused) What movie I really want to see?

Friend 2: When Stars and Spaceships Collide.  It’s finally coming out this weekend, after getting delayed for a year with the strikes and the director holding the final cut for ransom and all that.

Friend 1: (Finishes the bite) Oh, that movie.  (Shrugs overly casually) Yeah, it sounded interesting but what makes you think I really want to see it?

Friend 2: Well, maybe not so much want to see it as want to see lead actor Chad Burlyman.  (Friend 1 stares back) Your celebrity crush.

Friend 1: (Starts gobbling more of the snack and talks through a full mouth) Yeah, OK: I do not have a celebrity crush.

Friend 2: Right – you have several, and he’s one of them.

Friend 1: (Gulps down the snack and almost chokes) Listen: I had celebrity crushes in grade school, but I have since matured, and now I respect people strictly for their talent and hard work.

Friend 2: And you think he’s cute.

Friend 1: Ugh, “cute” is such a juvenile term.  Babies are cute; this is a full-grown man.

Friend 2: OK, so you think he’s hot.

Friend 1: What, is he on fire?

Friend 2: Fine, you think he’s a stud muffin.

Friend 1: Ew, way to dehumanize a fellow human based on their appearance!  (Friend 2 raises a skeptical eyebrow) Yes, I think he’s handsome, and I admire all the work he clearly puts into those strong-yet-not-intimidating muscles, but that’s all.  (Downs the rest of the tea, burning both mouth and esophagus) Ouch.

Friend 2: So you like him.

Friend 1: Again, that’s extremely grade school, and undervalues his worth as a member of the human race.  Besides, how can I like him; I don’t even know him!  From what little I’ve read in interviews, he seems like a basically decent guy who’s close with his family and works with animal rescue organizations and had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the grades for it so fell into acting instead and likes parasailing and snowboarding, that’s it.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: I mean, the whole idea of liking someone you’ve never met is ridiculous anyway: you know all about them, they don’t even know you’re alive; a bit one-sided, don’t you think?

Friend 2: (Finishes cooler drink and nods) Yep: it’s called a parasocial relationship.

Friend 1: Exactly!  Psychosocial non-relationship.

Friend 2: Parasocial.

Friend 1: Same difference.

Friend 2: Whatever.  I know you’re not a creepy stalker so it’s all right if you have a harmless crush on the guy.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if he knew; he’s probably used it and maybe even secretly craves the adoration.

Friend 1: I do not have a crush!  (Customers at other tables momentarily turn to stare at the two; Friend 1 winces and ducks partially under the table, then hisses at Friend 2) I-just-think-he’s-a-good-actor-and-happen-to-like-every-movie-I’ve-seen-him-in-OK?!

Friend 2: Hey, it’s fine to go to a movie just to see one person – we’ve all done it.  Remember that year I had to rent the entire back catalog of ----- --------s movies because I was so in luuuuuuv with him?

Friend 1: (Sitting back up straight) Oh yeah – I think the video store almost banned you for that stunt.

Friend 2: That they almost did.  Totally worth it, though.

Friend 1: Well, you were still a teenager back then, and I’m not “in luuuuuuv” with Chad Burlyman – I haven’t even seen all his movies and TV shows and voiceover roles, so there!

Friend 2: You dragged me to see him do Hamlet when it was playing around here, and you hate Shakespeare.

Friend 1: And like I told you then, it was a once-in-a-lifetime cultural experience we would have regretted forever if we’d missed it!

Friend 2: Sure.  I didn’t bring it up at the time, but I just had to now since it’s fun watching you double down on your denial.

Friend 1: (Daintily wipes mouth with a napkin, crumbles it up, and throws it onto the table) This has become tiresome.  I will not continue defending myself against erroneous charges that I feel affection for a famous stranger more than is proper and/or healthy.            

Friend 2: Fine – guess we’re skipping the movie then, if you don’t really care.

Friend 1: …Now, hold on: when did I ever say that?

Friend 2: Well, if you don’t like this guy as much as you claim you don’t, then it won’t bother you to skip the movie.

Friend 1: But – but – maybe I want to see the movie regardless who’s in it, hm?

Friend 2: You told me all the reviews said it was unimaginably awful and should never have been made in the first place!

Friend 1: Yes, well, I prefer to make up my own mind instead of following the sheeple, I-thank-you!  And actually, it sounds like you’re the one who doesn’t want to see the movie, so maybe you should skip it, ha!

Friend 2: No way – I never miss a Chad Burlyman film, he’s the absolute cutest.

Story 580: Constantly Cancelled Haircut

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey, come on in!

Sibling 2: (Enters and closes the door) Thanks, but we gotta go soon.

Sibling 1: (Running around grabbing things off of furniture) Sure-sure, just grabbing my keys, and my wallet, and my phone, and the tickets, and a snack, and –

Sibling 2: (Still standing by the door) And this is why I got here 15 minutes earlier than I really needed to.

Sibling 1: Exactly!  (Skids to a stop in front of Sibling 2 while shoving items into pants pockets) You do something different with your hair?

Sibling 2: Hm?  Oh – (Runs a hand self-consciously over the back of the head) yeah, I let it go longer between haircuts this winter – wasn’t paying attention – but I have an appointment to chop it off next Thursday.

Sibling 1: OK.  (Shrugs)  Looks good this way, though.  (Starts running around grabbing things again)

Sibling 2: Really?  (Leans over to look in a wall mirror and fusses with the hair a bit) I figured it looked all shaggy and messy by now.

Sibling 1: (Yelling from the bedroom) Nah, it looks relaxed and natural – besides, shaggy and messy are in!

Sibling 2: (Looks away from the mirror) They are?

Sibling 1: (Hopping up the hallway while tugging on shoes) I have no idea, but it sounds good, right?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) Thanks for the effort, but it’s trickling down the back of my neck and getting annoying so I’m still chopping it off next week.

Sibling 1: (Pulling on a coat) All righty – you gonna donate any of it?

Sibling 2: (Stares at Sibling 1 in disbelief) It’s not that long!  And besides, I doubt anyone’d want it with all the grays streaked through that are increasing by the hour.

Sibling 1: Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down.

Sibling 2: I’ll save it for you, then.  (The two stand there for a few moments) So, you ready now or what?

Sibling 1: Yep – off we go!  (Sibling 2 turns to open the door)  Ooh, wait, the tickets!  (Runs back to the bedroom)

Sibling 2: (Sighs, crosses arms, and leans back against the door) I’ll wait!  (Mutters) I can feel more grays coming out in the past five minutes alone.

NEXT THURSDAY

(In an office, Sibling 2 is working in a cubicle)

Sibling 2: (Typing) “…and that… is why… Casual Friday is a must….”

Coworker: (Stopping by) Hey, you going to the budget meeting coming up soon?

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face Coworker) No, I begged off that one – I have nothing to contribute except my snores.

Coworker: Heh-heh, lucky.  By the way, you growing out your hair or something?

Sibling 2: (Starts to reach up to run a hand self-consciously over the back of the head, but stops and yanks hand back down) No, I just let it go for a bit longer than usual – getting it cut tonight, actually.

Coworker: Heh, I was gonna say: “Get a haircut, hippie!”, ahahahahahaha!  (Laughs very loudly while leaving)

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face the computer; softly) Heh, heh, heh, ya weirdo.  (Types for a few moments before the cell phone rings; Sibling 2 checks the caller ID, frowns slightly, and answers) Hello?

Voice: Hi, this is the ---- ----, calling to let you know that we had a gas leak this afternoon and have to shut down for the next few days, so we unfortunately have to reschedule your appointment tonight.

Sibling 2: Oh yeah, of course – is everyone there all right?

Voice: Oh yes, we’re all fine, thank you: no explosions, so that’s always a plus.  (Sibling 2 double-takes) Does same time next Thursday work for you?

Sibling 2: Umm, let me check…. (Checks a calendar on the phone) That day’s out for me; is the following Saturday morning open?

Voice: …Yes, I can put you in for 10:00.

Sibling 2: Perfect, thanks!  And, good luck with the leak and all that.

Voice: Thank you – we’ll need it.

Sibling 2: What?  (Call ends; Sibling 2 puts away the phone, then briefly runs fingers through longer hair) Just another week won’t do much, right?

NEXT SATURDAY

Voice: (From the speaker of Sibling 2’s cell phone) Hello, this is the ---- ----, how may I help you?

Sibling 2: (Sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning exhaustedly against the toilet, and speaking hoarsely in the general direction of the cell phone on the floor nearby) Hi, I had a 10:00 appointment today –

Voice: “Had”?!

Sibling 2: Yeah, and either I ate poison last night or someone evil at work is spreading the stomach bug undercover, but whatever it was woke me up at 5 a.m. and hasn’t let me be since.

Voice: Yes, well, don’t come in here, then!

Sibling 2: …That’s why I’m calling.

Voice: Of course.

Sibling 2: (Tries to re-tie hair back with a rubber band but the shorter strands keep slipping out) Can we reschedule for next Saturday, please?

Voice: Let’s see… no, unfortunately that’s all booked.  Can you do another weeknight?

Sibling 2: (Rubs eyes and scrunches face in thought) Uh, yeah, how about Wednesday?  I should be all clear of this by then.

Voice: …Yes!  I can put you in for 5:30.

Sibling 2: (Gets a panicked look) Yeah-that’s-great-thanks-bye!  (Tries and misses hitting the hang-up button on the phone right before stomach bug loudly returns)

Voice: …Bye.  Gross.  (Calls ends)

NEXT MONTH

(At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey!  Everything all right?

Sibling 2: (Wearing a bulging baseball cap) No.  Can I come in?

Sibling 1: Of course!  (Lets in Sibling 2 and shuts the door) What’s wrong?

Sibling 2: (As they both walk into the living room) Sorry to drop in like this, but it felt ridiculous to say over the phone, and I’ve been driving all around and don’t know who else to go to who wouldn’t laugh in my face when they heard the story, and this has gone on so long that I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!

Sibling 1: All right, calm down; you’re starting to sound hysterical, and I’m the only one of us allowed to do that.

Sibling 2: I know!  (Collapses onto the couch and covers face with hands)

Sibling 1: (Sits next to Sibling 2) Sooooooo – what’s the matter?

Sibling 2: (Uncovers face) You remember how I was supposed to get my hair cut over a month ago, and it was starting to get long then?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah – we really haven’t seen each since then?  Wow.

Sibling 2: Yeah, sorry about that; time passing me by clearly has become a bad habit with me lately.

Sibling 1: Eh, I forgot about you for a while, too.

Sibling 2: Anyway, the place had a gas leak, and then I had a stomach bug, and then the staff went on strike, and then we had that freak blizzard, and then I had to go to that wake, and then the staff went on strike again, and then –

Sibling 1: Whoa, whoa, wait; are you saying you still haven’t gotten your hair cut in all that time?!

(Sibling 2 looks embarrassedly at Sibling 1, then takes off the cap; long silvery tresses tumble out)

Sibling 1: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sibling 2 glares) Sorry – I know I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t laugh in your face; I just didn’t expect such… flowing locks.  (Gently pets the mane) It’s really soft.

Sibling 2: (Shakes off Sibling 1) Knock it off!  This has gotten so out of control, and appointments keep getting cancelled over and over and over, and every day there’s more hair, hair, everywhere, I almost wanna cry!

Sibling 1: OK, well, I’m sure another hair salon or barber shop can take care of it – just find a walk-in one and wait.

Sibling 2: I tried!  None of the ones around here take walk-ins; they’re appointment-only!  I feel like I’m cursed by inconvenient scheduling!

Sibling 1: Really?  Not one?  That’s odd.

Sibling 2: You’re telling me!  And now my hair’s so long I can’t cut it myself without it looking even worse!

Sibling 1: (Starts fiddling with the ends) Oh, I wouldn’t say that – I’m sure a chainsaw would do just fine.

Sibling 2: (Buries face in hands again) It’s catching on everything!

Sibling 1: (Thinks for a bit) Want me to braid it?

Sibling 2: (Looks coldly at Sibling 1) I want you to cut it!

Sibling 1: (In realization) Ohhhhh.  But it looks good this way.

Sibling 2: I DON’T CARE!

Sibling 1: Rude.  (Stands and holds out an arm toward the hallway) OK, then: step into my parlor.

Sibling 2: (Stomps to the bathroom, muttering) So embarrassing; I need to ask my own family to cut my hair like I’m a five-year-old –

Sibling 1: (Following) If nothing else, it’s certainly cheaper.

(Later in the bathroom, Sibling 2 with wet hair sits on a chair back up against the sink, which is covered in paper towels; Sibling 1 enters wearing a lead apron and carrying a toolbox)

Sibling 1: All right, Rapunzel, we begin with the pruning shears.  (Quickly snaps them open and shut to demonstrate)

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1’s wrist) No-no-no!  Regular scissors only!

Sibling 1: But those are my good scissors.

Sibling 2: They’ll survive!

Sibling 1: (Grumbles while setting down the shears and going to kitchen) Picky, picky, picky – it’s not like I’d lop off an ear, I know what I’m doing….

Sibling 2: (Yells toward the door) I doubt it!

Sibling 1: (Returns with a pair of scissors) OK, customer-is-always-right, where do you want me to start?

Sibling 2: Just chop off the big chunks first and then trim from there!

Sibling 1: Got it.  (Sibling 2 leans back as Sibling 1 combs and smooths out the hair) You know, even with all the grays, you’ve really got good color and volume.

Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) Thanks.

Sibling 1: Just saying, people who are prematurely bald or lost their hair in other ways would love to have –

Sibling 2: Would-you-just-get-on-with-it?!

Sibling 1: Fine.  (Readies the scissors) You asked for it.

Sibling 1: Huh?

<SNIP!>

ONE HOUR LATER

(Sibling 2 is standing in front of the sink and facing the mirror while finishing shaving hair to a fine fuzz)

Sibling 2: (Sets the razor on the counter, grabs a towel, and vigorously rubs head with it until most of the extra pieces are gone) There!  Now it’s even!

Sibling 1: (Watching from the doorway) Hey, I never claimed to have a cosmetology license.

Sibling 2: No, but you can measure two sides so that they’re even, yes?

Sibling 1: No.

Sibling 2: Well, it’s finally done, and I’m free from all… this!  (Rubs smooth head and neck all around, then snatches up all the paper towels filled with the locks of hair, briefly holding them out to Sibling 1) Here’s your chance – want it?

Sibling 1: No thank you.

Sibling 2: (Dumps the paper towels holding hair into the garbage can) And now, I’m going back to my life without unwanted hair dragging me down!  And if I hear one more comment at work about how I was a flower child reject, I’m gonna start giving all of them free haircuts!  (Walks past Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: Ahem.

Sibling 2: (Turns back) Oh yeah, thanks for all your help, you’ve been a real pal, I’ve gotta go send in my taxes now before I get fined forever, talk to you later, bye!  (Runs out the front door)

Sibling 1: (Shakes head in resignation) I expect too much, I suppose.  (Cleans up the rest of the hair mess and is carrying the toolbox back to the coat closet when loud banging is heard at the front door; Sibling 1 sets down the toolbox and slowly opens the door) I’m sorry, but the salon is closed for the day.

Sibling 2: Hilarious – could you grab my cap that I left on the couch, please?

Sibling 1: Why, whatever could you need it for, now that you’re so “free”?

Sibling 2: Because it’s still winter outside and now my head is freezing!

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!