Story 436: Low Iron in the Blood

 (At a local blood drive in a rental hall)

Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see?  Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.

Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.

Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.

Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?

Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!

Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume.  (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.

Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?

Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber.  (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?

Friend 1: Yes?  No!  (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.

Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.

Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.

Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….

Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?

Friend 1: Traitor!  You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!

Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”

Friend 1: I changed my mind!  (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….

Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)

Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it!  (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)

Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?

Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver.  I am proud of you, you know.

Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us.  I did it purely for the accolades.

Friend 2: Don’t I know it.

Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.

Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.

Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you.  (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.

Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.

Friend 1: Eh?

Friend 2: Your iron.  You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.

Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!

Friend 2: Eat it.  You take a multivitamin, right?

Friend 1: Why would I?!

Friend 2: Never mind.  Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.

Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!

Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.

Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient!  (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.

Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.

Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one.  (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?

Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)

Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?

Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?

Friend 1: Nooooo…..

Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?

Friend 1: Vegetables, gross!  (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….

 OVERNIGHT

(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)

Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there?  (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me?  (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline!  (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!

Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame!  (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)

Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.

THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)

Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?

Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing!  Nothing at all!  (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?

Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –

Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!

Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.

Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to.  (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)

Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier.  (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?

Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns.  (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)

Friend 2: That’s aluminum.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)

Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.

Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!

Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?

Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian!  (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)

 Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out.  You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier!  (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?

Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter?  Tomorrow’s Easter?

Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.

Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!

Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?

Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!

Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.

Story 435: Something in the Plumbing

 (Plumber drives up to the first address on the day’s list and reviews notes before leaving the truck)

Plumber: (Mumbles while reading) “Backed-up kitchen sink… backed-up dishwasher… Nature has been commuting through the pipes….”  Sounds like a 50-foot snake job.  (Grabs a tool bag and whistles on the way to the front door of the house, suspiciously eyeing the trees on the front lawn and their many, many roots)

Trees: <Don’t look at us – we were here long before those pipes were shoved into our bed>

(Plumber rings the doorbell and continues whistling while peering at the bushes lined up in a row under the front window; the door suddenly flings open and a hand grabs Plumber’s shirt, pulling the latter inside as the door slams)

Homeowner: (With frazzled hair, frazzled clothes, and frazzled eyes) My savior at last – I have been bailing out this mess for the past two days!

Plumber: (Unobtrusively removes Homeowner’s hand from shirt and suppresses a sigh) Sounds rough – lead the way.

(The head into the kitchen and stop at the doorway)

Plumber: (Now suppressing a scream) Ho-ow long did you say it’s been like this?!

Homeowner: (Biting a thumbnail) Hm?  Oh, the sink’s been regurgitating the ghosts of meals past for about a week – the bailing’s only been the past two days, and it was the weekend so I refused to pay extra for an emergency call.

(They navigate through the multiple buckets and jerry-rigged drain hoses throughout the kitchen to reach the sink, which has several inches of what appears to be pond water floating in it)

Plumber: (Opens the tool bag and starts going through it) And has the water been backing up every time you use this?

Homeowner: No, that’s the kicker: it backs up willy-nilly, all on its own, then drains whenever it feels like it; the bailing started when it stopped draining as much, and then the dishwasher started leaking in sympathy.  I have to get up every two hours during the night for these as if they were newborn children.

Plumber: Know the feeling.  (Opens the cabinet below the sink and checks out the pipes) Did you use any chemical drain cleaner at all on this?

Homeowner: No, I heard those ruin the pipes so I just did a homemade volcano of baking soda and vinegar.

Plumber: Thank goodness.  May I?  (Holds a hand out toward one of the buckets)

Homeowner: Please.

Plumber: (Places the bucket under the sink, unscrews the trap, and inspects it while letting everything drain) Yep, this is a bust.  (Holds out the trap to show it crumbling to pieces)

Homeowner: Wow.  Never noticed that before.

Plumber: (Wipes face as the remaining water drains and mud splashes all over the place) I’ll replace it, snake the pipe, and you should be good to go.

Homeowner: (Grabs a frog out of the nearly-empty sink and flings it out the window to land on a nearby tree) That’s it?  This seems worse than that simple fix; I could’ve done that myself.

Plumber: (Shaking off twigs falling out of the pipe and spitting out splashing mud) Well you didn’t fix it, did you!  Here – (Holds out the bucket) go dump this in the tub or wherever you’ve been disposing of the ocean while I take care of the rest.

Homeowner: (Takes the bucket and leaves, muttering) Rude.

Plumber: (Takes out the snake and begins unwinding it through the plumbing, on and on, encountering multiple obstacles along the way that are gradually defeated) C’mon, move it, get out of there…. (Keeps snaking through the pipes, then comes up against what feels like a wall) Aha!  Gotcha, you little…. (Struggles against the obstruction as Homeowner returns)

Homeowner: (Setting down the bucket and flinging another frog out the window) So, find anything?

Plumber: (Still struggling) Oh yeah!  It’s a doozy, but I think I’m – (Yank-pull) getting it – (Push-pull) loose –  (The house begins to shake with increasing violence as an ominous noise sounds down the line) Uh-oh.

Homeowner: Whaddya mean, “Uh-oh”?!  You know how nervous everyone gets when someone in authority says that!

Plumber: (Hurriedly retracts the sake, screws in a new trap on the shaking pipe, and backs away from the sink while gesturing Homeowner to do the same) You’ve got insurance on this place, right?

Homeowner: What?!

(The kitchen sink erupts in a mini-geyser of water, mud, branches, and frogs for about 10 seconds, then settles down and slowly drains again; the dishwasher gives a complementary splash)

Homeowner: (Shaking off water and debris) Whelp, good thing I took down the curtains before you came over.  So, what do you think – I need a new shut-off valve?

Plumber: (Wiping muddy water away from eyes) You need a new plumbing system!  It looks like the local bog got in there!

Homeowner: Well, that’s just ridiculous – there’s no bog anywhere near here; just the swamp across the street.

Plumber: Same difference!  (Gathers up the tool bag while still shaking off the mess) You need to call in the town’s sewer company or somebody to check those lines out there, `cause I am done!  (Runs out of the house; to Trees) That’s right, I’m talkin’ about you, too!

Trees: <Rude>

Homeowner: (Standing at the front door) What about my bill?

Plumber: (Diving into the truck) I’ll mail it to you, byeeeee!!!!  (Reverses speedily out of the driveway and zooms down the street)

Homeowner: (Re-enters the house while closing the door, sighs at the new mess in the kitchen, flings another frog out the window, and begins paper toweling everything) And I forgot to ask about checking that funny noise the shower’s been making….

Story 434: Playing for Your Life Is Ridiculous

 [Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]

(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch.  Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough.  Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)

Vigilante: Aha!  And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!

Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!

Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?

Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!

Sidekick: To the max!

Villain: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?

Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!

Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!

Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on.  (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –

Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.

Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists!  (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem.  And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?

Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.

Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair.  (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)

Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!

Villain: Precisely!  (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –

Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!

Villain: However – !

Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.

Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!

Vigilante: Oh no!  Wait, why?

Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?

Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that? 

Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?

(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)

Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!

Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?

Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me!  And so, let us begin: Question 1 –

Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –

Villain: OMG, WHAT?

Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.

Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”

Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here.  (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?

(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)

Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?

Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!

Vigilante: Give me a minute!

(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)

Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying.  (Rips off the duct tape)

Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!

Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this.  So, you have something to share with the group?

Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!

Vigilante: Huh?

Hostage: That’s the answer!  A newspaper!

Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.

Hostage: What?!

Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt!  R-E-A-D, not R-E-D!  Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.

Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?

Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here.  (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.

Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!

Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity.  Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?

(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)

Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –

Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.

Hostage: But why?

Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.

(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)

Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.

(Hostage slumps)

Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it!  Where’s the Z?  Where’s the Q?!

Sidekick: Where’s the omega?

Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!

Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!

Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits!  Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!

Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….

Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”

Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes!  Thank you!  Someone here has a brain!  Or at least heard that one before.

Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.

Villain: No surprise there.  All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before.  Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?

Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!

Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?

Vigilante: A clock!

Villain: (Smile falls) No!

Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….

Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates.  So, it travels the world through space.

Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable.  Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!

Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!

Villain: No you didn’t!  (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!

Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.

Villain: (Back to the other two) You see!  This one lives in the real world!

Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.

Villain: Gee, thanks.

Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.

Villain: No it wasn’t!  There’s only one answer!

Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.

Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”

(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)

Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.

Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO!  No, we are done here!  (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!

Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.

Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!

Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined.  (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted.  Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?

Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.

Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

-

-

-

10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.

Story 432: Make the Most of Mardi Gras

 SUNDAY

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are walking in the park, the latter a bit gingerly)

Friend 1: How’s the ankle?

Friend 2: Surprisingly almost its old self – just don’t ask me to run anywhere.

Friend 1: I’ll try to remember not to.  (They walk in silence for about a minute) So, I decided this year I’m finally going to do it.

Friend 2: I think you may have had an entire conversation in your head where I wasn’t present: what exactly is “it”?

Friend 1: Right, sorry; have trouble distinguishing imagination from memory sometimes; I’m gonna do Mardi Gras this year.

Friend 2: Oh.  Well, that’s a bit last-minute – were you able to get a plane ticket and hotel that fast?

Friend 1: What?  Oh, no, I’m not going to Nooohhhrlaaaahhhns or anything like that.

Friend 2: I know the city is technically pronounced close to what you just mangled there, but maybe in your case stick to “New Orleans.”

Friend 1: Fine, whatever.  No, I’m not flying anywhere and making poor decisions surrounded by thousands of strangers: I’m staying here and making poor decisions surrounded by my furniture.

Friend 2: Lovely.  So, what’s the plan?

Friend 1: (Excitedly) Well, you know how pretty much every Lent I give up smoking since I don’t do that anyway and then my life remains unchanged for the month-and-a-half it’s supposed to be more uncomfortable than usual?

Friend 2: Vaguely.

Friend 1: So this year, I decided instead to give up candy.

Friend 2: (Stops suddenly and grabs Friend 1’s shoulder) Are you feeling all right?  You didn’t get some horrible diagnosis and this is your way of telling me?

Friend 1: (Chuckles as Friend 2 lets go of shoulder and they both start walking again) Oh, I’m probably due for one, but nope – I’m not going to have a single piece of candy for 46 whole days.

Friend 2: I thought it was only 40 whole days?

Friend 1: I count all the preliminaries to Easter – the week before was no picnic – and I hold no truck with those who say Sundays “don’t count” for this.

Friend 2: All right, circling back: you sure want to give up all candy, not just certain types?  I thought candy’s your jam.

Friend 1: I know, it’ll be a massive sacrifice on my part, I’m sure I’ll be remembered with the great martyrs of old –

Friend 2: Don’t push it.

Friend 1: – it’ll be good for my health, and I think mentally too, cutting out all that sugar for an extended time.  But first: Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Ah yes, what’s your grand scheme for Fat Tuesday?

Friend 1: (Wrinkles nose briefly) Is that what it means?  Rude.  Anyway: I can’t ask off from work `cause there’s a big meeting I can’t get out of and some corporate whoevers are visiting and some State regulators are inspecting the building and we’re expecting to get cited for health code violations, but, the night is mine.

Friend 2: …OK, then what?

Friend 1: Then, I have the Ultimate Candy Feast.

Friend 2: Oh good gourd, my teeth hurt just asking: what does that involve?

Friend 1: My stash – I’m finishing it off.

Friend 2: I seem to remember you having a few dozen items in that stash, and the whole never getting smaller.

Friend 1: Oh yes, I make sure I’m constantly supplied, but my self-control –

Friend 2: HA!  Sorry, go ahead.

Friend 1: My self-control kept me from going through all that like a whirlwind.  That changes this Mardi Gras.

Friend 2: Well, be careful: too much of that stuff all at once will render your previous “self-control” moot.

Friend 1: I sneer at your air quotes and point out that I will pace myself much as a marathon runner does, and reach the finish line both satisfied and accepting of the long-term abstinence that awaits me.

Friend 2: Goodie.  All I can say is: good luck, and when you have your inevitable sugar overload, call 9-1-1 and not me.

Friend 1: Oh ye of little faith.

 TUESDAY

(Friend 1 sits at the kitchen table at home, surrounded by all types of candy)

Friend 1: (Muttering while unwrapping a chocolate bar) Inspections every month now – hour-long meetings every week – reports every day – wipe down all surfaces at start and end of shift – (Takes a huge bite out of the bar and chews loudly) I didn’t have a problem with my work station, so why does my life now have to be upheaved?!  (Stops mid-bite) Wait a minute: this is my Mardi Gras!  Carnevale!  A time for revelry and culinary debauchery!  Stop thinking about work, you fool!  (Wolfs down the rest of the bar and licks fingers) Ahhhh, sweet bliss.  (Suddenly looks at watch) Oops, time to start dinner.  (Grabs a bunch of caramels and shoves them into mouth while leaving the table)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 is sprawled across the couch, surrounded by wrappers and packages of candy, and watching TV with a glazed look while working on a lollipop)

TV News Anchor: – recent events truly confirm that yes, as a species, human beings really are the worst –

Friend 1: (Bites the lollipop off the stick while changing the channel) Amen – call me when the dolphins have finally taken over.  (Stars watching a movie) Ooh, here’s a good one to help pretend the rest of the world isn’t a wildfire.  (Starts heating up a marshmallow over a hot plate to make a s’more)

(Several hours later, Friend 1 has slowed down considerably and struggles to open a new bag)

Friend 1: Just – two more of these – to go – (Finally rips it open, then glances at the nutritional label on the back) “Serving size: 3 pieces” – heh-heh, please.  (Pops five pieces into mouth, grimacing a bit when swallowing) Oh yeah, no one tells me how to live.

(Several hours later, Friend 1 wakes up abruptly from a doze; the TV is still on)

Friend 1: (Waves arms wildly) Ah!  Candy cane ghosts!  (Looks around the room) Oh, they left.  (Sees that there is one last piece of candy in one last bag; resolutely takes off the wrapper and slowly brings it into mouth while chanting) Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi Gras – Mardi – (Swallows the piece whole, then checks watch) Huh: midnight on the dot.  Perfect timing.  (Looks around at the mess and then stares off into the middle distance) Now if I can only keep this all down….

 SUNDAY

(Friend 2 calls Friend 1 in the morning)

Friend 1: (Groggily) Hi?

Friend 2: Hey, I didn’t get to call earlier this week and I wanted to check in: how was Mardi Gras?

Friend 1: Ohhh....

Friend 2: Was it all you dreamed of and more?  Did you have an absolute blast that’ll last you through the many, many days of utter deprivation that confront your suffering self?

Friend 1: Blistering sarcasm aside, there actually was one outcome from that night that was completely unexpected.

Friend 2: Really?  I can’t begin to imagine what.

Friend 1: Yeah, I’m sure you can’t.  Gloat all you want: I will never touch another piece of candy for the rest of my life.

Story 431: I Don’t Know How to Human Properly

 (In a doctor’s consultation room; it looks like a psychiatrist’s office – but it isn’t)

Doctor: (Sitting in an uncomfy chair and addressing Patient, who is lying on the usual couch and staring intently at the ceiling) So, what brings you here today?  (Pen hovers over a notepad, poised at the ready)

Patient: Well Doc, I’ve been alive for over three decades and it’s come to my attention more and more often lately that I’ve not been doing it quite right this whole time.

Doctor: (Pauses in taking notes) How do you mean?

Patient: (Shifts on the couch to face Doctor) Well, for instance, when you brought me in here you asked, “How are you?” and I said “Oh fine, thanks” and left it at that.  I just now realized I never asked how you were.

Doctor: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) Oh, that’s not much – we all do that sometimes, and today we’re here to talk about you, not me.

Patient: (Turns to lie back down on the couch) Yes, but it’s common decency and I couldn’t even think to do it until it was too late not to be awkward.  Not the first time by a long shot, either.

Doctor: (Starts taking notes again) Well, social faux pas are unfortunate but not problematic in and of themselves.  Is there anything similar that’s bothering you?

Patient: Yes.  Lots of little things like that, all day, every day.  Made me realize… I don’t know how to human properly.

Doctor: Oh dear, sorry you feel that way.  What’s another example?

Patient: Where do I begin?  Only the other day, one of my coworkers mentioned it was their birthday, and I said, “That’s nice, Happy Birthday,” and then later that afternoon the rest of the department whipped out a cake, card, and presents!

Doctor: And?

Patient: And I didn’t even think to do anything like that!  And I’ve been working with this person for almost 15 years!

Doctor: Well, we all have our strengths.                                                       

Patient: OK, then how about another coworker who’s having a baby soon, and someone in a different department said they’d throw a baby shower for her, and the other day came to me asking if I was planning on chipping in `cause they hadn’t heard back from me yet!

Doctor: To be fair, that actually could be a bit presumptuous on their part.

Patient: I’m the mom-to-be’s supervisor!

Doctor: Oh.

Patient: Yes!  And when I was asked that, it hit me that I should’ve been the one arranging the shower from the beginning!

Doctor: Yes, that is a bit basic.  How long have you been in this role?

Patient: Three months, why?

Doctor: You’ll probably be coming across a lot more of these types of situations.

Patient: (Slumps farther down the couch) Great.  I already have to remind myself when we have visitors to the department that I should offer them some water or coffee, only because one of my “subordinates” was kind enough to ask when I left some higher-ups from Corporate just sitting there while we waited for the CEO.

Doctor: Ouch.

Patient: And work’s not the half of it: I don’t even know how to act around my own family and friends sometimes.

Doctor: How so?

Patient: Well, when anything major comes up like a wedding, or a graduation, or a Bar Mitzvah, or a funeral, I find myself completely at a loss what to do, what to say, where to go, how to act, who to tip!  And everything I do think of to say to the guest of honor or the bereaved winds up sounding completely asinine!  And the few times I even think of it, how do I know when it’s appropriate for me to send over food?!

Doctor: This is all sounding very much like social anxiety.

Patient: I’d agree with you, but I come across the same… block, around people I’m comfortable with!  I’ve had a best friend since infancy, and when they told me the other day they’re going through a rough time all I could do was “Uh-huh” and trickle off the conversation because I had absolutely no idea what to say!

Doctor: You could’ve just listened.

Patient: (Turns back to Doctor) You see!  Everyone knows stuff like this instinctively, but I always have to be told everything and hope I remember it in time!  There’s something wrong with me, Doc – I missed out on the instruction manual on how to be a human being!

Doctor: (Finishes notes with a flourish) Well, you may be somewhat lacking in empathy and maturity and common sense in many instances, but this seems to be more of a case of ignorance and laziness rather than complete sociopathy.  (Patient double-takes as Doctor walks to the desk, takes what appears to be a smart phone out of a container, and begins entering settings on it) This is an excellent opportunity to test out a device I’ve been trying to patent – you can be my first human subject.  (Hands the device to Patient)

Patient: (Stares at the many features on the screen) What do I do with this?

Doctor: Think of it as a customized search engine: whenever you come across a social situation you don’t know how to respond to, just select the appropriate scenario and a whole bunch of suggested phrases and behaviors will display.

Patient: (Taps the icon for “Loss of Pet,” then sees “Friend,” “Relative,” “Acquaintance,” “Coworker,” “Supervisor,” “Subordinate,” and “Stranger,” taps “Friend,” then sees “Close Friend,” “Casual Friend,” “Social Media Friend,” “Potential Main Squeeze (Awaiting Confirmation),” taps “Casual Friend,” then sees “Say: ‘So sorry to hear about your fur baby/pet/companion’ – Do: Send pet loss sympathy card and/or make a donation to the local animal shelter (if pet’s name/species is unknown, skip second part).”)  Wow.

Doctor: I tried to make the algorithm as thorough as possible, so please let me know if I overlooked anything – it’s officially in beta testing now.

Patient: (Stands) Thanks, this should be really helpful!

Doctor: I hope so – come back in two weeks and let me know, would you?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(Patient arrives at a hospital as a visitor, carrying a small basket of baby supplies)

Patient: (Knocks on an open door of a room in Maternity and enters with a wide smile) “Hiiiii!!!!”

Coworker: (Sitting in bed and holding a newborn baby) Oh, hi!  Thank you so much for coming to visit!

Patient: “Of course!”  (Holds up the basket for a moment before setting it on a nearby table) “Since I missed out on the shower….”

Coworker: (Laughs) Aw, thanks, I missed out, too!  (To the baby) You were in quite the hurry there, little one!

Patient: (Surreptitiously glances down at the device peeking out of a jeans pocket and taps a button; immediately goes to the sink and washes hands) “Almost forgot!”

Coworker: Oh, would you like to hold the baby?

Patient: (Freezes a bit while drying hands) …“Sure!”  (Gently cradles the baby in arms and sits down slowly in a nearby chair; stares down at the baby while struggling to remember phrases) “Has your eyes”…?

Coworker: You think so?

Patient: (Looks closer at the baby and back at Coworker) Maybe more your hair.

Coworker: Certainly has a ton of it!

Patient: (Looks back down at the baby, who starts to fidget) “Oops, I think we want Mommy back!”  (Gently hands the baby back to Coworker and slides the device out of the pocket a bit again, glancing down) “So, when are they gonna spring you two from here, eh?”

Coworker: (Distracted by the cooing baby, then looks back up at Patient) Hm, sorry?

Patient: Um…. (Scratches head and leans forward slightly to cover up looking at the device again) “Did they say you and the baby can go home soon?”

Coworker: Oh, probably tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.

Patient: (Nods) “Uh-huh.”  “Nice.”

(Coworker’s Partner enters with two cups of water; Patient quickly stands)

Partner: Oh hi, thanks for coming by!

Patient: (Shakes hands after the cups are set down) “Of course!”  “Congratulations, you two!”  (Mini-waves at the baby) Three!  “I’ll let you all enjoy each other’s company now, buh-bye!”  (Washes hands again and backs toward the door)

Coworker: Thanks again for coming, and for the supplies, we’ll definitely need them!

Partner: (Sees the basket on the table) Oh yeah, thanks a lot!

Patient: (Still backing toward the door) “No worries!”  Um…. “Good fortune!”… Um… yeah, bye.  (Runs away)

Partner: (Smiles at Coworker and the baby) Seems nice.

Coworker: Yeah.  A little awkward sometimes, but improving.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In Doctor’s consultation room – the two are in the same positions as before)

Doctor: Well?

Patient: (Beaming while holding up the device) It.  Was.  Amazing!  I was hardly ever at a loss for words; I almost always knew exactly what to do in almost any situation; and even when I stumbled or made a “Whoopsie!”, this thing always guided me back on track!

Doctor: (Taking notes) Excellent.  Your feedback is invaluable during the testing phase for this to be accepted as a legitimate medical treatment.

Patient: Great!  Would you mind if I kept it for a little longer, then?

Doctor: How much longer do you think you need?

Patient: Probably the rest of my life.

Doctor: That’s fine; I have several more test devices to distribute and the prototype stays with me, so you can keep that one forever if you like.

Patient: Yessss!!!  (Briefly hugs device to chest) You don’t know how much this has helped me; I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s changed my life!

Doctor: That’s good to hear – it’s always nice to know technology can be used for good without the potential for gaining sentience and taking over the world.

Patient: …Yeah, that too.

Doctor: Oh, one more thing.  (Goes to the desk, opens a drawer, and hands a piece of paper to Patient)

Patient: (Peers at the form) What’s this?

Doctor: Since you’ll be keeping the device, once the patent is inevitably approved this’ll be the monthly bill.  (Patient looks up in shock) I’m sure your insurance will cover at least part of it.

Patient: (Rapidly navigates through the device) “As a voluntary test subject, all equipment and medications involved in the study are perpetually provided free of charge!”  (Triumphantly holds out the device and mic-drops it onto the couch)

Doctor: Wow, that thing really does work in all scenarios.  I’ll make a note to increase my royalty demands.