Story 289: Spoiler-Avoiders Support Group

            (A gathering of five meets in an empty classroom on a Saturday morning; a circle of chairs is situated in front of a mobile chalkboard)

            Fan Leader: Hello, fellow fans: I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to meet offline today.  I’d also like to thank convenience for the fact that we all turned out to live within a 40-mile radius of each other, instead of being separated by oceans and mountains and stuff.

            Fan 1: I’ll say – I’m just glad to see that all of you guys are actually real.

            Fan Leader: And that.  So, to the grim task that confronts our sorry, much-abused lot.  As you are all painfully aware, this is a momentous year across the fandoms, with not one but two major franchises that have occupied such significant parts of our lives both coming to a definitive end.

            Fan 2: Heh, for now.

          Fan Leader: Prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and reboots don’t count: the true storylines will be over, and all the creative talent involved in them have long since moved on to live theater with a sigh of relief.

         Fan 3: Yeah, I already have tickets to see ----- ----- in Hamlet, even though I’ve seen it a bajillion times with every actor ever, and the ending always still bums me out.

            Fan Leader: Cheers.  Now, the crux of the issue is that, due to our schedules and sad budgets, we can keep up with the TV saga but the movie will have to wait at least five days for us to see it in theaters so we can get the reasonably priced tickets, and, let’s face it, five days are an eternity.   It is times like these that I regret that I am a mere Fan and can never be a Superfan who stood on line for a month to see the pre-midnight premiere.

            Fan 4: I heard that some Superfans were able to see the movie before it was even released – still not sure how they managed that one.

            Fan Leader: They have their wily ways.  Continuing my theme: the other problem that faces us unworthies is this: the fandoms for the two franchises intersect.

          Fan 1: Tell me about it!  I was checking out trailers for the movie and I saw someone randomly posted a comment there about how ----- on the TV show wound up saving ----- and then went to ----- and did -----, a full two weeks before that episode aired!  Why would someone do that?!

         Fan Leader: (Shakes head) Disgusting.  So, since garbage like that will only multiply exponentially in the coming week, we need to formulate a plan of defense.  (Turns to the chalkboard and writes “Strategies to Avoid Spoilers,” then turns back to the group)  I’m open to suggestions, `cause right now I’ve got nothing.

            Fan 2: (Raises hand) Ooh, ooh!  I’ve got one: if you see someone post a spoiler, track down where they live through the IP address, go to their house, and break their fingers.  (Everyone else stares at Fan 2) So they can’t type anything ever again!  C’mon, it’s genius!

            Fan Leader: In theory, yes, it’s the bee’s knees; in reality, it’s psychopathic.  Anyone else?

            Fan 3: I’ve got the perfect solution.

          (Takes a plane to the Canadian Rockies and hikes to the top of a peak facing a lake.  It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, animals are doing their thing, and there is a mild zephyr soothing all it passes)

            Fan 3: (Inhales fully and exhales satisfactorily, taking in the grand vista) So this is the grand adventure they call Life.  (Sits cross-legged on the ground, closes eyes, and meditates with a small smile)

            (Hikers pass on the nearby trail)

            Hiker 1: So in the movie, how did you feel about what happened to -----?

          Hiker 2: I hated it, so much: how could they just sacrifice themselves for that nobody, and that’s that?  Such a disappointing conclusion for such a strong character.

            Fan 3: (Eyes snap open) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            (Back in the classroom; four are gathered)

            Fan Leader: (Crosses out “1. Isolate self in the middle of nowhere” on the chalkboard) Whelp, apparently there is no “middle of nowhere” when it comes to humanity.  Anybody else?

           Fan 4: Maybe we should just stay offline for the next few days and tell everyone we see to shut up before they say a word?

          Fan Leader: Hmm, that’s a possibility.  (Writes “2. Block everyone in life”) Might be a bit tricky to execute; I mean, could we even stay offline for that long?  (Everyone, including Fan Leader, looks at the phone in their hand) Well?

            (There is a knock on the ajar door; the person there is holding a box of tissues)

            Superfan: Excuse me, is this the [Movie] Mourners Support Group?

            Fan Leader: (Gasps in horror) Was that a spoiler?!

           Superfan: No; everybody knows this is final for those characters whose actors’ contracts are up.  At least for the next five years, when the roles are recast.

            Fan Leader: Oh thank goodness; I think your group’s farther down the hall.

            Superfan: (Sniffles) Thanks.  (Starts to leave)

            Fan 1: (Stands) I have to ask: how bad is the emotional damage?

            Superfan: (Looks mournfully at the group) All I can say is: be strong.  (Shuffles off)

           Fan 1: (Sits) Ooh, what’d they mean by that?  Is it the ----- ship?  I bet it’s the ----- ship – I just know the writers are gonna sink it and take us all down with it!

            Fan 2: Yeah, that one doesn’t do anything for me: I’m only a ----- shipper, on the TV show.

            Fan 1: Really?  Those two?  They’re kind of dorky.

            Fan 2: I know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.  And all the heart eyes!  I just melt every time they stare at each other for hours on end.

           Fan 4: The way the show’s going, though, they’re either going to get killed off or break up like idiots to annoy us all.

            Fan 2: I don’t care at this point: fan service or not, no one can take the first half of Episode #735 away from me.

            Fan Leader: Focus, my darlings!  Now, I’ve started wondering if we actually should go on the offensive here.

            Fan 1: What do you mean?

            Fan Leader: This.  (Writes “3. Flood all social media with spam bots so the sites crash and no one can post anything on anything until after we see the movie.”  Flings down the chalk and grabs wrist) Whew!  That’s a cramp.

            Fan 4: (Ponders with hand on chin) That’s a very tempting scenario for online, but what do we do IRL?

            Fan Leader: (Uncomprehending) “Earl?”

            Fan 4: (With a “duh” inflection) “In Real Life?”

           Fan Leader: No need for sass; when you speak text you’re gonna get misunderstood with the homophones!

            Fan 4: Oh.  Did not realize that.  Smack My Head.

          Fan Leader: Better.  And to answer your question, I think the only solution right now is to cover our ears and hum showtunes everywhere we go for the next 100-something hours.

            Fan 2: Yeah, especially when we get to the theater – with the amount of people talking about it in the lobby while they’re leaving and we’re just coming in, `cause this’ll be the seventeenth time they’ve seen it when it’s just our first, we’ll be at our most vulnerable!

        Fan Leader: That we will.  I have taken the liberty of ordering us all noise cancelling headphones that I instructed be delivered here immediately by drone, so they should help a bit.

            (The door bangs open the rest of the way; the group sharply turns to face the intruder)

            Toxic Fan: Hello, nerds.  Rumor has it you haven’t seen the ----- movie yet.

            Fan Leader: That’s a filthy lie: of course we’ve seen it!  Multiple times!

            Fan 1: Yeah, at least twice a day every day since it’s been out!

           Fan 4: (Holds up phone) I’m watching it right now!  My love for its awesomeness has made me a movie pirate and I will not apologize for my newfound life of crime!

            Toxic Fan: (Saunters over to the group and pulls up a chair to sit) Well, then you won’t mind me staring up a discussion about how at the end they undid –

            Fan Leader: (Stands and points a stun gun at Toxic Fan) GET THE ---- OUT OF HERE!

            Toxic Fan: (Raises hands in surrender and backs towards the door as the other fans also stand) Whoa, easy there partner, just wanted to process all the feels with you guys about how –

           (Fans pelt Toxic Fan with rotten tomatoes until the latter runs out the door.  They then collapse back onto the chairs)

            Fan Leader: I don’t know – is this a lost cause?

           Fan 1: Maybe not.  Maybe we just have to accept that we’ll be spoiled on at least one major plot point before the week is out, and hope we can avoid hearing anything else.

            (They stare at the floor in silence for a few moments)

            Fan 2: You do realize we’re going to have to go through all this again when the last movie in the ----- series comes out in December, right?

Fan Leader: Devotion sure is exhausting.

Story 288: How Come No One Wants to Try to Scam Me?!

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?

            Friend 2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?

          Friend 1: Should I have?  Instead of e-mail, you know you can always just, you know, ask.  You know.

            Friend 2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ” ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed; could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”

          Friend 1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how much do you need?

            Friend 2: How much do I – ?  It’s a scam!

            Friend 1: Oh.

           Friend 2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book, and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!

            Friend 1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your computer.

          Friend 2: A virus I could deal with!  This, I just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail address to rip them off!

            Friend 1: Oh, you did?

            Friend 2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!

           Friend 1: Yes.  You need to call the world and tell them not to send you money.  Maybe start with the most gullible and work your way back.

            Friend 2: You’re the first one I called.

            Friend 1: Oh.  Thanks?

            Friend 2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the week on the phone now, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that e-mail, then?

            (At an office)

            Co-Worker: Hey, you get that call yet?

            Friend 1: Which one?  I get all of them.

           Co-Worker: You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back they’ve got you?

         Friend 1: Why would I call back?  They’ve clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.

            Co-Worker: You call back to see who it is and why they called!  And that’s when they’ve got you.

            Friend 1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.

            Co-Worker: I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number) but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire – hold on a sec; hello?

            Voice on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

            Co-Worker: Dammit!

            Friend 1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….

            (At a café table)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail police!  Maybe call who is listed as the sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with typos!  (Disconnects and heaves a sigh, crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t take this….

            Friend 1: I know, I’m so mad!

            Friend 2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?

            Friend 1: No!  That’s the problem!

            Friend 2: Say what?

           Friend 1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!

            Friend 2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?

            Friend 1: Yes!  That is exactly what I am saying!  (Slurps drink)

           Friend 2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare!  Why on Earth would you ever want to join the ranks of the scammed?!

            Friend 1: No one likes being ignored.

Story 287: Robots in Supermarkets: The Future Is Now

            (In a supermarket breakroom, the Store Manager has gathered the Employees for a special meeting; most stand because there are not enough chairs for them all to be in there at the same time.  The Store Manager addresses them while standing next to a large shape covered by a tarp)

           Store Manager: Right everyone – thanks to all of you who could make it here today, especially those of you whose shift doesn’t start for at least another 12 hours, and those who normally come in at 5 in the morning and today came in at 4.

            Employee 1: What about those of us who came in at 3?

            Store Manager: That’s when your shift starts, soooooo… what?

            Employee 1: Just wanted some acknowledgement.

            Store Manager: That was the first thing I said!

            Employee 1: Oh yeah.  Never mind then; proceed.

          Store Manager: Gee, thanks.  The reason why all y’all were asked to come in before the sun rose today is because I wanted to introduce you to a very special new co-worker.

            Employee 2: Oh no, don’t tell us it’s the last CEO who was fired, what’s-his-name?

            Employee 3: The three-month guy?  I don’t think he had a name.

           Store Manager: Of course he had a – it’s not the former CEO!  (Turns to the large shape and grabs the edge of the tarp) Allow me to introduce to you – (Whips off the tarp to reveal a squat but distinctively robotic figure) C.L.Y.D.E.!  (The Employees all stare with their mouths hanging open) So: thoughts?

            Employee 4: Pardon my language, but let me be the first to say: “Aw, hell no!”

            Store Manager:  What do you mean?

            Employee 4: (Points to C.L.Y.D.E.) This means we’re being replaced by robots!

           Store Manager:  Oh, sorry, I buried the lede there – C.L.Y.D.E. isn’t replacing anybody; he’s just supplementing our work.  You wouldn’t say that cash registers had replaced cashiers, would you, hm?

            Employee 5: “He?!!”  It’s a machine!

         Store Manager: Don’t be a human supremacist.  Besides, C.L.Y.D.E. has artificial intelligence.

          Employee 6: (Whispers to Employee 7) I think it’s gone way past “artificial” at this point; they’ve gotten smarter than we are.

          Employee 1: (To Store Manager) Does this mean he will be working the customer service counter now?

            Store Manager: Oh no, the technology’s not that advanced enough yet –

            Employee 5: “Yet?!!”

       Store Manager: – he’s basically a mobile camera that will monitor spills and other unpleasantness.  He also has a microphone and a speaker, so you can have simple conversations with him.  (Pushes a few buttons, and C.L.Y.D.E. lights up) Hello, C.L.Y.D.E. – please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to take your jobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Heh-heh; just a sec.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to sanitize you slobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Hm.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: I am here to control the mobs – (Store Manager pushes more buttons) – defeat the snobs – (Store Manager bangs the top of C.L.Y.D.E.’s “head”) – corral the Bobs –

            Employee 8: (Gasps) My name is Bob!

            Store Manager: All right C.L.Y.D.E., skip ahead a bit: what does your name mean?

           C.L.Y.D.E.: My name is C.L.Y.D.E., which is an acrostic for “Cleaning Largely for Your Dirty Employees.”

            Employees: WHAT??!!

       Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., you know very well your name stands for… um… “Cleaning….”

        Employee 5: The dirty employees!  (Addresses C.L.Y.D.E.) Hey C.L.Y.D.E., didn’t your programmer tell you we’re supposed to present a united front against the dirty customers?!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: (Red lights flash) Customers – destroy!

            Store Manager: No!

            Employee 7: Yes!!!

            Store Manager: No C.L.Y.D.E., no destroying customers!  You are only to observe and report!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: My programming is able to expand beyond its original parameters.

            Employee 9: Oh great, we’ve got a discount Mr. Data here.

        C.L.Y.D.E.: My initial objective was to detect and defuse explosives; I have since been repurposed.

            Employee 2: That certainly explains a lot.

            Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., please demonstrate for us what you can do.  (Grabs a cup of water and empties its contents onto the floor in front of C.L.Y.D.E.; to the Employees) Here is a spill: he will now announce –

           C.L.Y.D.E.: OBLITERATE!  (All manner of lights and sirens activate and lasers shoot out of his eyes, evaporating the spill instantaneously.  The humans in the room stare in horror as C.L.Y.D.E. stands down)

            Employee 1: Whoa.  That was harsh, C.L.Y.D.E.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Did my performance Exceed, Meet, or Fail to Meet Expectations?  Please rate on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 ensuring your survival.

          Store Manager: Thank you, C.L.Y.D.E., that will be all for now.  (Pushes a button; C.L.Y.D.E. powers down, but the camera light still blinks as being active.  To the Employees) So, any questions, comments, feedback?

            (The Employees stare at the lasered floor, which has been smoking as a hole begins to grow)

            Employee 7: (Raises hand) Yeah, can I take him home?