Story 287: Robots in Supermarkets: The Future Is Now

            (In a supermarket breakroom, the Store Manager has gathered the Employees for a special meeting; most stand because there are not enough chairs for them all to be in there at the same time.  The Store Manager addresses them while standing next to a large shape covered by a tarp)

           Store Manager: Right everyone – thanks to all of you who could make it here today, especially those of you whose shift doesn’t start for at least another 12 hours, and those who normally come in at 5 in the morning and today came in at 4.

            Employee 1: What about those of us who came in at 3?

            Store Manager: That’s when your shift starts, soooooo… what?

            Employee 1: Just wanted some acknowledgement.

            Store Manager: That was the first thing I said!

            Employee 1: Oh yeah.  Never mind then; proceed.

          Store Manager: Gee, thanks.  The reason why all y’all were asked to come in before the sun rose today is because I wanted to introduce you to a very special new co-worker.

            Employee 2: Oh no, don’t tell us it’s the last CEO who was fired, what’s-his-name?

            Employee 3: The three-month guy?  I don’t think he had a name.

           Store Manager: Of course he had a – it’s not the former CEO!  (Turns to the large shape and grabs the edge of the tarp) Allow me to introduce to you – (Whips off the tarp to reveal a squat but distinctively robotic figure) C.L.Y.D.E.!  (The Employees all stare with their mouths hanging open) So: thoughts?

            Employee 4: Pardon my language, but let me be the first to say: “Aw, hell no!”

            Store Manager:  What do you mean?

            Employee 4: (Points to C.L.Y.D.E.) This means we’re being replaced by robots!

           Store Manager:  Oh, sorry, I buried the lede there – C.L.Y.D.E. isn’t replacing anybody; he’s just supplementing our work.  You wouldn’t say that cash registers had replaced cashiers, would you, hm?

            Employee 5: “He?!!”  It’s a machine!

         Store Manager: Don’t be a human supremacist.  Besides, C.L.Y.D.E. has artificial intelligence.

          Employee 6: (Whispers to Employee 7) I think it’s gone way past “artificial” at this point; they’ve gotten smarter than we are.

          Employee 1: (To Store Manager) Does this mean he will be working the customer service counter now?

            Store Manager: Oh no, the technology’s not that advanced enough yet –

            Employee 5: “Yet?!!”

       Store Manager: – he’s basically a mobile camera that will monitor spills and other unpleasantness.  He also has a microphone and a speaker, so you can have simple conversations with him.  (Pushes a few buttons, and C.L.Y.D.E. lights up) Hello, C.L.Y.D.E. – please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to take your jobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Heh-heh; just a sec.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to sanitize you slobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Hm.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: I am here to control the mobs – (Store Manager pushes more buttons) – defeat the snobs – (Store Manager bangs the top of C.L.Y.D.E.’s “head”) – corral the Bobs –

            Employee 8: (Gasps) My name is Bob!

            Store Manager: All right C.L.Y.D.E., skip ahead a bit: what does your name mean?

           C.L.Y.D.E.: My name is C.L.Y.D.E., which is an acrostic for “Cleaning Largely for Your Dirty Employees.”

            Employees: WHAT??!!

       Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., you know very well your name stands for… um… “Cleaning….”

        Employee 5: The dirty employees!  (Addresses C.L.Y.D.E.) Hey C.L.Y.D.E., didn’t your programmer tell you we’re supposed to present a united front against the dirty customers?!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: (Red lights flash) Customers – destroy!

            Store Manager: No!

            Employee 7: Yes!!!

            Store Manager: No C.L.Y.D.E., no destroying customers!  You are only to observe and report!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: My programming is able to expand beyond its original parameters.

            Employee 9: Oh great, we’ve got a discount Mr. Data here.

        C.L.Y.D.E.: My initial objective was to detect and defuse explosives; I have since been repurposed.

            Employee 2: That certainly explains a lot.

            Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., please demonstrate for us what you can do.  (Grabs a cup of water and empties its contents onto the floor in front of C.L.Y.D.E.; to the Employees) Here is a spill: he will now announce –

           C.L.Y.D.E.: OBLITERATE!  (All manner of lights and sirens activate and lasers shoot out of his eyes, evaporating the spill instantaneously.  The humans in the room stare in horror as C.L.Y.D.E. stands down)

            Employee 1: Whoa.  That was harsh, C.L.Y.D.E.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Did my performance Exceed, Meet, or Fail to Meet Expectations?  Please rate on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 ensuring your survival.

          Store Manager: Thank you, C.L.Y.D.E., that will be all for now.  (Pushes a button; C.L.Y.D.E. powers down, but the camera light still blinks as being active.  To the Employees) So, any questions, comments, feedback?

            (The Employees stare at the lasered floor, which has been smoking as a hole begins to grow)

            Employee 7: (Raises hand) Yeah, can I take him home?