Friend
1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?
Friend
2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?
Friend
1: Should I have? Instead of e-mail, you
know you can always just, you know, ask.
You know.
Friend
2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from
my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ”
ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed;
could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply
back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve
ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”
Friend
1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how
much do you need?
Friend
2: How much do I – ? It’s a scam!
Friend
1: Oh.
Friend
2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book,
and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to
call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!
Friend
1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your
computer.
Friend
2: A virus I could deal with! This, I
just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they
will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail
address to rip them off!
Friend
1: Oh, you did?
Friend
2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!
Friend
1: Yes. You need to call the world and
tell them not to send you money. Maybe
start with the most gullible and work your way back.
Friend
2: You’re the first one I called.
Friend
1: Oh. Thanks?
Friend
2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the
week on the phone now, bye!
(Disconnects)
Friend
1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that
e-mail, then?
(At
an office)
Co-Worker:
Hey, you get that call yet?
Friend
1: Which one? I get all of them.
Co-Worker:
You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back
they’ve got you?
Friend
1: Why would I call back? They’ve
clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.
Co-Worker:
You call back to see who it is and why they called! And that’s when they’ve got you.
Friend
1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone
number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some
nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.
Co-Worker:
I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number)
but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and
seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been
crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the
number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire –
hold on a sec; hello?
Voice
on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.
Co-Worker:
Dammit!
Friend
1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….
(At
a café table)
Friend
2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on
purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d
hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail
police! Maybe call who is listed as the
sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with
typos! (Disconnects and heaves a sigh,
crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore,
I just can’t take this….
Friend
1: I know, I’m so mad!
Friend
2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?
Friend
1: No! That’s the problem!
Friend
2: Say what?
Friend
1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got
Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked
and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!
Friend
2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?
Friend
1: Yes! That is exactly what I am
saying! (Slurps drink)
Friend
2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare! Why on Earth would you ever want to join the
ranks of the scammed?!
Friend
1: No one likes being ignored.
