(A
gathering of five meets in an empty classroom on a Saturday morning; a circle
of chairs is situated in front of a mobile chalkboard)
Fan
Leader: Hello, fellow fans: I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to meet
offline today. I’d also like to thank
convenience for the fact that we all turned out to live within a 40-mile radius
of each other, instead of being separated by oceans and mountains and stuff.
Fan
1: I’ll say – I’m just glad to see that all of you guys are actually real.
Fan
Leader: And that. So, to the grim task
that confronts our sorry, much-abused lot.
As you are all painfully aware, this is a momentous year across the fandoms,
with not one but two major franchises that have occupied such
significant parts of our lives both coming to a definitive end.
Fan
2: Heh, for now.
Fan
Leader: Prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and reboots don’t count: the true storylines
will be over, and all the creative talent involved in them have long since moved
on to live theater with a sigh of relief.
Fan
3: Yeah, I already have tickets to see ----- ----- in Hamlet, even
though I’ve seen it a bajillion times with every actor ever, and the ending always
still bums me out.
Fan
Leader: Cheers. Now, the crux of the
issue is that, due to our schedules and sad budgets, we can keep up with the TV
saga but the movie will have to wait at least five days for us to see it in
theaters so we can get the reasonably priced tickets, and, let’s face it, five
days are an eternity. It is times like these that I regret that I am
a mere Fan and can never be a Superfan who stood on line for a month to see the
pre-midnight premiere.
Fan
4: I heard that some Superfans were able to see the movie before it was
even released – still not sure how they managed that one.
Fan
Leader: They have their wily ways.
Continuing my theme: the other problem that faces us unworthies is this:
the fandoms for the two franchises intersect.
Fan
1: Tell me about it! I was checking out
trailers for the movie and I saw someone randomly posted a comment there about
how ----- on the TV show wound up saving ----- and then went to ----- and did -----,
a full two weeks before that episode aired!
Why would someone do that?!
Fan
Leader: (Shakes head) Disgusting. So, since
garbage like that will only multiply exponentially in the coming week, we need
to formulate a plan of defense. (Turns
to the chalkboard and writes “Strategies to Avoid Spoilers,” then turns back to
the group) I’m open to suggestions,
`cause right now I’ve got nothing.
Fan
2: (Raises hand) Ooh, ooh! I’ve got one:
if you see someone post a spoiler, track down where they live through the IP
address, go to their house, and break their fingers. (Everyone else stares at Fan 2) So they can’t
type anything ever again! C’mon, it’s
genius!
Fan
Leader: In theory, yes, it’s the bee’s knees; in reality, it’s
psychopathic. Anyone else?
Fan
3: I’ve got the perfect solution.
(Takes
a plane to the Canadian Rockies and hikes to the top of a peak facing a
lake. It is a beautiful day, the sun is
shining, animals are doing their thing, and there is a mild zephyr soothing all
it passes)
Fan
3: (Inhales fully and exhales satisfactorily, taking in the grand vista) So
this is the grand adventure they call Life.
(Sits cross-legged on the ground, closes eyes, and meditates with a
small smile)
(Hikers
pass on the nearby trail)
Hiker
1: So in the movie, how did you feel about what happened to -----?
Hiker
2: I hated it, so much: how could they just sacrifice themselves for that
nobody, and that’s that? Such a
disappointing conclusion for such a strong character.
Fan
3: (Eyes snap open) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Back
in the classroom; four are gathered)
Fan
Leader: (Crosses out “1. Isolate self in the middle of nowhere” on the
chalkboard) Whelp, apparently there is no “middle of nowhere” when it comes to
humanity. Anybody else?
Fan
4: Maybe we should just stay offline for the next few days and tell everyone we
see to shut up before they say a word?
Fan
Leader: Hmm, that’s a possibility.
(Writes “2. Block everyone in life”) Might be a bit tricky to execute; I mean,
could we even stay offline for that long? (Everyone, including Fan Leader, looks at the
phone in their hand) Well?
(There
is a knock on the ajar door; the person there is holding a box of tissues)
Superfan:
Excuse me, is this the [Movie] Mourners Support Group?
Fan
Leader: (Gasps in horror) Was that a spoiler?!
Superfan:
No; everybody knows this is final for those characters whose actors’ contracts
are up. At least for the next five
years, when the roles are recast.
Fan
Leader: Oh thank goodness; I think your group’s farther down the hall.
Superfan:
(Sniffles) Thanks. (Starts to leave)
Fan
1: (Stands) I have to ask: how bad is the emotional damage?
Superfan:
(Looks mournfully at the group) All I can say is: be strong. (Shuffles off)
Fan
1: (Sits) Ooh, what’d they mean by that?
Is it the ----- ship? I bet it’s
the ----- ship – I just know the writers are gonna sink it and take us all down
with it!
Fan
2: Yeah, that one doesn’t do anything for me: I’m only a ----- shipper,
on the TV show.
Fan
1: Really? Those two? They’re kind of dorky.
Fan
2: I know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful. And all the heart eyes! I just melt every time they stare at each
other for hours on end.
Fan
4: The way the show’s going, though, they’re either going to get killed off or
break up like idiots to annoy us all.
Fan
2: I don’t care at this point: fan service or not, no one
can take the first half of Episode #735 away from me.
Fan
Leader: Focus, my darlings! Now, I’ve started
wondering if we actually should go on the offensive here.
Fan
1: What do you mean?
Fan
Leader: This. (Writes “3. Flood all
social media with spam bots so the sites crash and no one can post anything on
anything until after we see the movie.”
Flings down the chalk and grabs wrist) Whew! That’s a cramp.
Fan
4: (Ponders with hand on chin) That’s a very tempting scenario for online, but
what do we do IRL?
Fan
Leader: (Uncomprehending) “Earl?”
Fan
4: (With a “duh” inflection) “In Real Life?”
Fan
Leader: No need for sass; when you speak text you’re gonna get misunderstood
with the homophones!
Fan
4: Oh. Did not realize that. Smack My Head.
Fan
Leader: Better. And to answer your
question, I think the only solution right now is to cover our ears and hum
showtunes everywhere we go for the next 100-something hours.
Fan
2: Yeah, especially when we get to the theater – with the amount of people
talking about it in the lobby while they’re leaving and we’re just coming in,
`cause this’ll be the seventeenth time they’ve seen it when it’s just our
first, we’ll be at our most vulnerable!
Fan
Leader: That we will. I have taken the
liberty of ordering us all noise cancelling headphones that I instructed be
delivered here immediately by drone, so they should help a bit.
(The
door bangs open the rest of the way; the group sharply turns to face the
intruder)
Toxic
Fan: Hello, nerds. Rumor has it
you haven’t seen the ----- movie yet.
Fan
Leader: That’s a filthy lie: of course we’ve seen it! Multiple times!
Fan
1: Yeah, at least twice a day every day since it’s been out!
Fan
4: (Holds up phone) I’m watching it right now!
My love for its awesomeness has made me a movie pirate and I will not
apologize for my newfound life of crime!
Toxic
Fan: (Saunters over to the group and pulls up a chair to sit) Well, then you
won’t mind me staring up a discussion about how at the end they undid –
Fan
Leader: (Stands and points a stun gun at Toxic Fan) GET THE ---- OUT OF HERE!
Toxic
Fan: (Raises hands in surrender and backs towards the door as the other fans
also stand) Whoa, easy there partner, just wanted to process all the feels with
you guys about how –
(Fans
pelt Toxic Fan with rotten tomatoes until the latter runs out the door. They then collapse back onto the chairs)
Fan
Leader: I don’t know – is this a lost cause?
Fan
1: Maybe not. Maybe we just have to
accept that we’ll be spoiled on at least one major plot point before the week
is out, and hope we can avoid hearing anything else.
(They
stare at the floor in silence for a few moments)
Fan
2: You do realize we’re going to have to go through all this again when the
last movie in the ----- series comes out in December, right?
Fan Leader: Devotion
sure is exhausting.
