Story 289: Spoiler-Avoiders Support Group

            (A gathering of five meets in an empty classroom on a Saturday morning; a circle of chairs is situated in front of a mobile chalkboard)

            Fan Leader: Hello, fellow fans: I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to meet offline today.  I’d also like to thank convenience for the fact that we all turned out to live within a 40-mile radius of each other, instead of being separated by oceans and mountains and stuff.

            Fan 1: I’ll say – I’m just glad to see that all of you guys are actually real.

            Fan Leader: And that.  So, to the grim task that confronts our sorry, much-abused lot.  As you are all painfully aware, this is a momentous year across the fandoms, with not one but two major franchises that have occupied such significant parts of our lives both coming to a definitive end.

            Fan 2: Heh, for now.

          Fan Leader: Prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and reboots don’t count: the true storylines will be over, and all the creative talent involved in them have long since moved on to live theater with a sigh of relief.

         Fan 3: Yeah, I already have tickets to see ----- ----- in Hamlet, even though I’ve seen it a bajillion times with every actor ever, and the ending always still bums me out.

            Fan Leader: Cheers.  Now, the crux of the issue is that, due to our schedules and sad budgets, we can keep up with the TV saga but the movie will have to wait at least five days for us to see it in theaters so we can get the reasonably priced tickets, and, let’s face it, five days are an eternity.   It is times like these that I regret that I am a mere Fan and can never be a Superfan who stood on line for a month to see the pre-midnight premiere.

            Fan 4: I heard that some Superfans were able to see the movie before it was even released – still not sure how they managed that one.

            Fan Leader: They have their wily ways.  Continuing my theme: the other problem that faces us unworthies is this: the fandoms for the two franchises intersect.

          Fan 1: Tell me about it!  I was checking out trailers for the movie and I saw someone randomly posted a comment there about how ----- on the TV show wound up saving ----- and then went to ----- and did -----, a full two weeks before that episode aired!  Why would someone do that?!

         Fan Leader: (Shakes head) Disgusting.  So, since garbage like that will only multiply exponentially in the coming week, we need to formulate a plan of defense.  (Turns to the chalkboard and writes “Strategies to Avoid Spoilers,” then turns back to the group)  I’m open to suggestions, `cause right now I’ve got nothing.

            Fan 2: (Raises hand) Ooh, ooh!  I’ve got one: if you see someone post a spoiler, track down where they live through the IP address, go to their house, and break their fingers.  (Everyone else stares at Fan 2) So they can’t type anything ever again!  C’mon, it’s genius!

            Fan Leader: In theory, yes, it’s the bee’s knees; in reality, it’s psychopathic.  Anyone else?

            Fan 3: I’ve got the perfect solution.

          (Takes a plane to the Canadian Rockies and hikes to the top of a peak facing a lake.  It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining, animals are doing their thing, and there is a mild zephyr soothing all it passes)

            Fan 3: (Inhales fully and exhales satisfactorily, taking in the grand vista) So this is the grand adventure they call Life.  (Sits cross-legged on the ground, closes eyes, and meditates with a small smile)

            (Hikers pass on the nearby trail)

            Hiker 1: So in the movie, how did you feel about what happened to -----?

          Hiker 2: I hated it, so much: how could they just sacrifice themselves for that nobody, and that’s that?  Such a disappointing conclusion for such a strong character.

            Fan 3: (Eyes snap open) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            (Back in the classroom; four are gathered)

            Fan Leader: (Crosses out “1. Isolate self in the middle of nowhere” on the chalkboard) Whelp, apparently there is no “middle of nowhere” when it comes to humanity.  Anybody else?

           Fan 4: Maybe we should just stay offline for the next few days and tell everyone we see to shut up before they say a word?

          Fan Leader: Hmm, that’s a possibility.  (Writes “2. Block everyone in life”) Might be a bit tricky to execute; I mean, could we even stay offline for that long?  (Everyone, including Fan Leader, looks at the phone in their hand) Well?

            (There is a knock on the ajar door; the person there is holding a box of tissues)

            Superfan: Excuse me, is this the [Movie] Mourners Support Group?

            Fan Leader: (Gasps in horror) Was that a spoiler?!

           Superfan: No; everybody knows this is final for those characters whose actors’ contracts are up.  At least for the next five years, when the roles are recast.

            Fan Leader: Oh thank goodness; I think your group’s farther down the hall.

            Superfan: (Sniffles) Thanks.  (Starts to leave)

            Fan 1: (Stands) I have to ask: how bad is the emotional damage?

            Superfan: (Looks mournfully at the group) All I can say is: be strong.  (Shuffles off)

           Fan 1: (Sits) Ooh, what’d they mean by that?  Is it the ----- ship?  I bet it’s the ----- ship – I just know the writers are gonna sink it and take us all down with it!

            Fan 2: Yeah, that one doesn’t do anything for me: I’m only a ----- shipper, on the TV show.

            Fan 1: Really?  Those two?  They’re kind of dorky.

            Fan 2: I know, and that’s what makes it so beautiful.  And all the heart eyes!  I just melt every time they stare at each other for hours on end.

           Fan 4: The way the show’s going, though, they’re either going to get killed off or break up like idiots to annoy us all.

            Fan 2: I don’t care at this point: fan service or not, no one can take the first half of Episode #735 away from me.

            Fan Leader: Focus, my darlings!  Now, I’ve started wondering if we actually should go on the offensive here.

            Fan 1: What do you mean?

            Fan Leader: This.  (Writes “3. Flood all social media with spam bots so the sites crash and no one can post anything on anything until after we see the movie.”  Flings down the chalk and grabs wrist) Whew!  That’s a cramp.

            Fan 4: (Ponders with hand on chin) That’s a very tempting scenario for online, but what do we do IRL?

            Fan Leader: (Uncomprehending) “Earl?”

            Fan 4: (With a “duh” inflection) “In Real Life?”

           Fan Leader: No need for sass; when you speak text you’re gonna get misunderstood with the homophones!

            Fan 4: Oh.  Did not realize that.  Smack My Head.

          Fan Leader: Better.  And to answer your question, I think the only solution right now is to cover our ears and hum showtunes everywhere we go for the next 100-something hours.

            Fan 2: Yeah, especially when we get to the theater – with the amount of people talking about it in the lobby while they’re leaving and we’re just coming in, `cause this’ll be the seventeenth time they’ve seen it when it’s just our first, we’ll be at our most vulnerable!

        Fan Leader: That we will.  I have taken the liberty of ordering us all noise cancelling headphones that I instructed be delivered here immediately by drone, so they should help a bit.

            (The door bangs open the rest of the way; the group sharply turns to face the intruder)

            Toxic Fan: Hello, nerds.  Rumor has it you haven’t seen the ----- movie yet.

            Fan Leader: That’s a filthy lie: of course we’ve seen it!  Multiple times!

            Fan 1: Yeah, at least twice a day every day since it’s been out!

           Fan 4: (Holds up phone) I’m watching it right now!  My love for its awesomeness has made me a movie pirate and I will not apologize for my newfound life of crime!

            Toxic Fan: (Saunters over to the group and pulls up a chair to sit) Well, then you won’t mind me staring up a discussion about how at the end they undid –

            Fan Leader: (Stands and points a stun gun at Toxic Fan) GET THE ---- OUT OF HERE!

            Toxic Fan: (Raises hands in surrender and backs towards the door as the other fans also stand) Whoa, easy there partner, just wanted to process all the feels with you guys about how –

           (Fans pelt Toxic Fan with rotten tomatoes until the latter runs out the door.  They then collapse back onto the chairs)

            Fan Leader: I don’t know – is this a lost cause?

           Fan 1: Maybe not.  Maybe we just have to accept that we’ll be spoiled on at least one major plot point before the week is out, and hope we can avoid hearing anything else.

            (They stare at the floor in silence for a few moments)

            Fan 2: You do realize we’re going to have to go through all this again when the last movie in the ----- series comes out in December, right?

Fan Leader: Devotion sure is exhausting.