Story 294: Thank You for Interrupting

(In an office cubicle, Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are seated at a desk and staring at the phone)

Co-Worker 1: I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Me?  Why would you even think that’s a good idea?

Co-Worker 1: `Cause you have better telephone etiquette than I do.

Co-Worker 2: Ha!  You just don’t want to do it.

Co-Worker 1: That’s part of it.

Co-Worker 2: You’re the head of the project here; you should do it.

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but I hate calling angry people who’re just going to get angrier with what I tell them.

Co-Worker 2: I guess, but you’re only reminding them to do their job so you’re, you know, in the right and all.

Co-Worker 1: Being right doesn’t matter if the person who’s wrong steamrolls all over you, several times.  Every single conversation I’ve had with them, they immediately start getting all “You’re not making any sense!” and “How dare you?!” and “Who do you think you are?!”, and most of the time I’m just asking for a status update.

Co-Worker 2: That behavior is all the typical signs of a slacker who just got caught.

Co-Worker 1: Oh definitely, but try telling that to my brain and nervous system during one of these bouts: about halfway through the call I suddenly start getting the shakes and I keep swallowing mid-sentence for no reason.  And it shows up in my voice so they can hear my agita over the phone and ramp up the attack another 10 notches!  I barely get to hang up with any of my dignity left.  (Stares at Co-Worker 2) I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Not this again; and how’s that going to look if I call for you?

Co-Worker 1: Just say I’m out sick and all abuse will have to be deferred to another day or sent by e-mail – ooh, yes, tell them to send all abuse by e-mail and then we can really nail `em!

Co-Worker 2: (Pushes the phone over to Co-Worker 1) Just do it and be done with it; we can go to the breakroom afterwards and grab some candy, would that make you feel better, hm?

Co-Worker 1: No.  Having that after this will only make the candy taste worse.  (Picks up the receiver and slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

Co-Worker 2: There, there; it’ll all be over soon.

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Excuse me, but – oh sorry, you’re on the phone.

Co-Worker 1: (Slams down the receiver and leaps out of the chair, knocking it over) Not at all!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 3: Uh, I just wanted to see if you could help me generate a report on the database, but I can come back later.

Co-Worker 1: (Grabs Co-Worker 3’s elbow and rushes both of them out of the cubicle) Nope-nope-nope-nope, we are doing this now, I will brook no arguments!

Co-Worker 2: (Still seated in the chair) Don’t worry about me; I’ll be right here.

(One hour later)

Co-Worker 1: (Chuckling to self while re-entering the cubicle, holding a cup of coffee, and sitting back on the now-upright chair.  Turns to Co-Worker 2) So, what’d I miss?

Co-Worker 2: I finished our semi-annual report.

Co-Worker 1: Oh, splendid, splendid.  And… any word on our… you know… other… issue?

Co-Worker 2: I didn’t call them, if that’s what you mean.

Co-Worker 1: Gaaah!  (Splashes coffee as the cup is slammed onto the desk)  Sorry.  Why not?

Co-Worker 2: Getting verbally slapped repeatedly is neither in my pay grade nor job description.

Co-Worker 1: It’s not in anyone’s job description, and yet here we all are.  (Stares at the phone, then begins to whine and squirm again)

Co-Worker 2: (Picks up the receiver) Would you like me to dial for you?

Co-Worker 1: I’ve got it!  Thanks.  (Slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Hi, sorry to bother you again – oh sorry, you’re on the phone again –

Co-Worker 1: (Rips the phone out of the wall and throws it into the garbage can) Absolutely not!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 2: (In a low voice) Coward.

Co-Worker 1: (In a low voice) Dodger.

Co-Worker 3: Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d heard yet, but that jerk you’ve been dealing with on the software project?

Co-Worker 1: (Guilelessly) I don’t know who you mean.

Co-Worker 3: The one who reams everybody out for no reason and does zero work?

Co-Worker 1: Oh, I suppose.

Co-Worker 3: Well, they totally got fired just now.

Co-Workers 1 and 2: (Simultaneously stand) WHAT???

Co-Worker 3: Yeah, they started pulling their garbage thinking they were calling an administrative assistant, when actually it was a VP who picked up.

Co-Worker 2: No way!

Co-Worker 3: Oh yeah.  VP let them rant a bit, then dropped the bombshell, dropped the mic, and dropped the call to e-mail the jerk’s boss.  I wish I had been there, it sounded beautiful.

Co-Worker 1: Wow.

Co-Worker 3: I know, right?  Whelp, figured you guys would especially appreciate that – I’m going to continue spreading the cheer around the office.  (Leaves)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 slowly sink into their chairs)

Co-Worker 1: Wow, wow, wow.

Co-Worker 2: D’accord.

Co-Worker 1: And I almost called them earlier.  And would’ve had to go through all that again, and it would’ve turned out to be for nothing.

Co-Worker 2: Thank goodness for interruptions, right?

Co-Worker 1: I’ll say.  Although – what do we do with the project now?  They were our only contact at that company, and it’ll probably take months until there’s a replacement.

Co-Worker 2: I think we can finally get some work done.

Story 288: How Come No One Wants to Try to Scam Me?!

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?

            Friend 2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?

          Friend 1: Should I have?  Instead of e-mail, you know you can always just, you know, ask.  You know.

            Friend 2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ” ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed; could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”

          Friend 1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how much do you need?

            Friend 2: How much do I – ?  It’s a scam!

            Friend 1: Oh.

           Friend 2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book, and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!

            Friend 1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your computer.

          Friend 2: A virus I could deal with!  This, I just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail address to rip them off!

            Friend 1: Oh, you did?

            Friend 2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!

           Friend 1: Yes.  You need to call the world and tell them not to send you money.  Maybe start with the most gullible and work your way back.

            Friend 2: You’re the first one I called.

            Friend 1: Oh.  Thanks?

            Friend 2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the week on the phone now, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that e-mail, then?

            (At an office)

            Co-Worker: Hey, you get that call yet?

            Friend 1: Which one?  I get all of them.

           Co-Worker: You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back they’ve got you?

         Friend 1: Why would I call back?  They’ve clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.

            Co-Worker: You call back to see who it is and why they called!  And that’s when they’ve got you.

            Friend 1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.

            Co-Worker: I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number) but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire – hold on a sec; hello?

            Voice on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

            Co-Worker: Dammit!

            Friend 1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….

            (At a café table)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail police!  Maybe call who is listed as the sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with typos!  (Disconnects and heaves a sigh, crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t take this….

            Friend 1: I know, I’m so mad!

            Friend 2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?

            Friend 1: No!  That’s the problem!

            Friend 2: Say what?

           Friend 1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!

            Friend 2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?

            Friend 1: Yes!  That is exactly what I am saying!  (Slurps drink)

           Friend 2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare!  Why on Earth would you ever want to join the ranks of the scammed?!

            Friend 1: No one likes being ignored.

Story 223: Binge-Reading

            (Co-Worker 1 sees Co-Worker 2 slump onto the chair at the adjoining desk; Co-Worker 2 has bleary eyes, messy hair, and an all-round dissipated look)

            Co-Worker 1: Wow, you look hideous.

            Co-Worker 2: I know.

            Co-Worker 1: I mean it – you look like someone literally rolled you.  In garbage.

            Co-Worker 2: Thanks.

            Co-Worker 1: I mean, your face –

            Co-Worker 2: I need you to shut up now.  (Holds head while taking five aspirin)

            (Co-Worker 1 tries to go back to work, then turns to face Co-Worker 2 again)

            Co-Worker 1: All right, spill it: did you go on an actual binge this weekend?

            Co-Worker 2: (Lying head on desk) Of sorts.

            Co-Worker 1: I knew it!  You always say you don’t drink, but this place drives everyone to it – I knew it was only a matter of time – I had a bet going with –

            Co-Worker 2: It wasn’t alcohol.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?  Oh.  (Peers into Co-Worker 2’s face) Ohh, now I know that look.  You binge-watched something all weekend, didn’t you.  Let me guess: all 27 seasons of Sword Slash?

            Co-Worker 2: Hardly.

            Co-Worker 1: All 15 films of the Astro Conflicts saga, including the animated series and the short-lived puppet show?

            Co-Worker 2: No!  (In a small voice) I saw those when they came out.

          Co-Worker 1: (Leans in again, conspiratorially) No one else has to know – it was Hearts Restrained by Corsets and Honor, wasn’t it?

            Co-Worker 2: Ew, no.

            Co-Worker 1: All right, it’s just that some people enjoy the writing on that show, you know.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

            Co-Worker 2: (Leans back in chair to administer eye drops) Well, you’ll never guess because I didn’t binge-watch anything; I actually binge-read.

            Co-Worker 1: Binge… read?  As in, a book?

            Co-Worker 2: Yes.  With words and everything.

            Co-Worker 1: Are you taking an English class or something?

            Co-Worker 2: No; I’d always wanted to read it, that’s all.  We had the snow this weekend, so I thought it was as good a time as any.  Got a comfy blanket, got some tea, played some soothing piano music, and… read.

            Co-Worker 1: Wow.  What did you read?

            Co-Worker 2: All three books of The Master of the Bangles.  Although, I don’t know if I can really count that as three separate books since they were originally published as one large volume.  Took me from Friday night through to 3:00 this morning, with five-minute breaks for whatever.

            Co-Worker 1: You read that?  I don’t get it – why didn’t you just watch the movies, you’d’ve been done in half a day!

            Co-Worker 2: (Gives a withering look) It’s not the same.

          Co-Worker 1: It’s close enough!  The filmmakers said they were very faithful to the source material!  And how’d you even finish those things in one weekend anyway, they must have been over a thousand pages long!  Each!

            Co-Worker 2: Grand total was 1,372.  Including the appendices.

          Co-Worker 1: Appendices!  I’m not working that hard for something that’s supposed to be entertainment!  (Sees alert on phone) Ooh, the next installment of the unauthorized Sword Slash Encyclopedia was just released.  (Sees Co-Worker 2 staring) It’s not the same!

          Co-Worker 2: Well, you binge on whatever you want to binge on – I personally feel very fulfilled in reading what is considered to be a classic, and my brain feels all the more enriched by the experience.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever you say.  A binge is still a binge, though, and you feel slightly gross and ashamed afterwards no matter the material or the medium.

            Co-Worker 2: (Cradles head on arms, leaning on the desk) At the moment, I couldn’t agree more.

             Co-Worker 1: (Hesitates) Got something lined up for next weekend?

            Co-Worker 2: (Perks up) Oh yeah: The Complete Collection of the John Houses Mysteries, Unabridged.

            Co-Worker 1: Nice!  Mind if I come over and binge-read those with you?

            Co-Worker 2: If you want, but you’ll have to wait until I finish at least the first set – spoiler alert, the last set is shorter because the author killed off the main character so he could end the series.

            Co-Worker 1: It’s not a spoiler if it’s been published over 100 years ago.