Story 288: How Come No One Wants to Try to Scam Me?!

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?

            Friend 2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?

          Friend 1: Should I have?  Instead of e-mail, you know you can always just, you know, ask.  You know.

            Friend 2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ” ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed; could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”

          Friend 1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how much do you need?

            Friend 2: How much do I – ?  It’s a scam!

            Friend 1: Oh.

           Friend 2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book, and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!

            Friend 1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your computer.

          Friend 2: A virus I could deal with!  This, I just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail address to rip them off!

            Friend 1: Oh, you did?

            Friend 2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!

           Friend 1: Yes.  You need to call the world and tell them not to send you money.  Maybe start with the most gullible and work your way back.

            Friend 2: You’re the first one I called.

            Friend 1: Oh.  Thanks?

            Friend 2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the week on the phone now, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that e-mail, then?

            (At an office)

            Co-Worker: Hey, you get that call yet?

            Friend 1: Which one?  I get all of them.

           Co-Worker: You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back they’ve got you?

         Friend 1: Why would I call back?  They’ve clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.

            Co-Worker: You call back to see who it is and why they called!  And that’s when they’ve got you.

            Friend 1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.

            Co-Worker: I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number) but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire – hold on a sec; hello?

            Voice on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

            Co-Worker: Dammit!

            Friend 1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….

            (At a café table)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail police!  Maybe call who is listed as the sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with typos!  (Disconnects and heaves a sigh, crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t take this….

            Friend 1: I know, I’m so mad!

            Friend 2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?

            Friend 1: No!  That’s the problem!

            Friend 2: Say what?

           Friend 1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!

            Friend 2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?

            Friend 1: Yes!  That is exactly what I am saying!  (Slurps drink)

           Friend 2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare!  Why on Earth would you ever want to join the ranks of the scammed?!

            Friend 1: No one likes being ignored.

Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.