Story 635: Antivirus Software: You Get What You Pay For

             (In an electronics store, Customer is at the register purchasing a laptop)

Cashier: So, along with the laptop itself, would you like document and spreadsheet software?

Customer: How much extra?

Cashier: $150.

Customer: Heck no – I’ll wing it.

Cashier: OK, how about extra memory?

Customer: No – I’ll cross that bridge when I run out of it.

Cashier: Company credit card for discounts that you may or may not need?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Protection plan?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Antivirus software?

Customer: No – actually, that one I will need the second I access the Inter-disgusting-net.  What are the options?

Cashier: Well, there’s this premium version – (Gestures to a nearby figure dressed in a tuxedo)

Premium Antivirus Software: (Smoothly) I’m here for your every need, always.  Let me protect you from all the perils of that dangerous online world out there, my sweet.

Customer: Ew.  (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $200 a year.

Customer: Hard pass.  What else?

Cashier: Well, there’s a pretty good one that covers almost everything the first one does, just not as customized.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in a suit)

Pretty Good Antivirus Software: Never fear, your protector is here!  Not as personal, but just as protective!  (Thumbs-up at Customer)

Premium Antivirus Software: Hmpf.  No class whatsoever.

Customer: (To Cashier) Not bad – how much?

Cashier: $125 a year.

Customer: Whoo-hoo no – next!

Cashier: Well, if those options don’t suit you, there’s always the… basic software.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in T-shirt and jeans, snacking on a bag of potato chips)

Basic Antivirus Software: `Sup.

Customer: Ummm, do you provide antivirus protection, at all?

Basic Antivirus Software: (Shrugs) Sure.

Customer: (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $30 a year.

Customer: Sold!  (Completes the purchase)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Still snacking on the way out as the other two antivirus software figures glare) What can I say?  Get yourselves on sale next time. 

(At Customer’s home, the new laptop has been set up with programs installed and Wi-Fi signal connected)

Customer: (Sitting on the living room couch, with the laptop on a lapdesk) All right, accessing the interwebs… (Clicks on the browser icon; a tab appears) Yes!  Success!  I’m always amazed when this stuff actually works.  (Checks e-mail) Oh, my cousin sent me an article, how nice.  (Clicks on the link; a pop-up window appears) No, I don’t want an extra page downloading with this, thank-you.  (Clicks on the “X” – a bajillion pop-ups immediately appear, along with a phone number, flashing lights, and a loud BEEEEEEEEEP!)

Voice: (Blaring from the laptop’s speakers) WARNING!  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TURN OFF OR RESTART THE COMPUTER!  AND DO NOT UNPLUG THE ROUTER OR ELSE DISASTROUS THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO ALL YOUR FILES AND YOUR COMPUTER WILL NEVER EVER WORK AGAIN!  CALL THIS BRIGHT AND FLASHING PHONE NUMBER NOW AND WE WILL SAVE YOU FROM DESTRUCTION!  AND DON’T STOP TO THINK ABOUT THIS – JUST FOCUS ON THE LOUD NOISES AND INSISTENT MESSAGES AND TRUST US TO RESCUE YOU FROM DOOOOOOM!!!

Customer: (Flies off the couch, runs over the router, and rips out the plug) NononononoIdon’tbelievethisthisissounfairthesenderwaslegitIneverfallforthesethingshowdidthishappenenrightoutofthegate – !  (Runs back to the laptop and holds down the power button to turn it off)

Voice: I SAID DON’T TURN IT OFF – !  (Sudden silence)

Customer: (Fumes for several seconds, then yells at the ceiling) BASIC!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slouches into the living room while slurping a soda) Yo?

Customer: (Points to the laptop) How did this happen?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Stares blankly at the laptop, then back at Customer) Uh, I think it was made in a factory somewhere, and then got shipped to the store where you bought it.

Customer: No-no-no, I know how it got here!  The problem is, I’m not on the thing for five minutes and I got hacked!

Basic Antivirus Software: Aw, really?  That’s too bad.  (Slurps)

Customer: No, not “too bad”, it’s your fault!

Basic Antivirus Software: Huh?  How you figure?

Customer: You have one job to do, and you blew it!  You’re supposed to keep those – (Flails arms at the laptop) things away from me, and yet, here it is!

Basic Antivirus Software: Whelp, no net catches 100% of anything; stuff like this is bound to get through.

Customer: Seriously?!

Basic Antivirus Software: At any rate, it sounds more like a “user error” issue to me, if you know what I mean.

Customer: (Coolly) Excuse me?

Basic Antivirus Software:  Technically, it’s your job not to fall for that obvious garbage.

Customer: I don’t!  I was exiting out of that window and this whole blaring fire alarm and window brigade showed up and yelled at me to call them!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps) Huh.  Did you call them?

Customer: No!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps again) You unplug the router or shut off the computer?

Customer: Yes!  Both!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps to the end of the drink) Should be fine then – sounds like it was trying to lure you into its malware web, and you probably dodged it.  No harm, no foul.

Customer: So that’s it?!  You just sit back and do nothing while I’m the one who has to dodge lures left and right?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Sighs loudly) You want me to run a scan to make sure?

Customer: YES!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slumps over to stand by the couch) OK, start it back up and I’ll scan it.  (Customer sits back down on the couch and starts the laptop; Basic Antivirus Software runs the scan for a few minutes) See?  No viruses found – can I go now?  (Unwraps a candy bar and starts munching)

Customer: That was a suspiciously short scan!  And you’re supposed to be watching out for this stuff 24/7!

Basic Antivirus Software: No I’m not – only when you’re online.  That’s all I signed up for, anyway.

Customer: Fine, just – don’t go anywhere.  (Begins working furiously on the laptop)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Settles on the arm of the couch behind Customer, munching on the candy bar and watching the screen) You know, if you’d wanted comprehensive protection and safe browsing tips and virtual hand-holding and all that, maybe you shouldn’t have gone for a cheap option like me who is clearly only going to do the bare minimum.  (Munches loudly)

Customer: (Glaring at the screen while dodging another malware trap) Clearly.

Story 288: How Come No One Wants to Try to Scam Me?!

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?

            Friend 2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?

          Friend 1: Should I have?  Instead of e-mail, you know you can always just, you know, ask.  You know.

            Friend 2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ” ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed; could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”

          Friend 1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how much do you need?

            Friend 2: How much do I – ?  It’s a scam!

            Friend 1: Oh.

           Friend 2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book, and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!

            Friend 1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your computer.

          Friend 2: A virus I could deal with!  This, I just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail address to rip them off!

            Friend 1: Oh, you did?

            Friend 2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!

           Friend 1: Yes.  You need to call the world and tell them not to send you money.  Maybe start with the most gullible and work your way back.

            Friend 2: You’re the first one I called.

            Friend 1: Oh.  Thanks?

            Friend 2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the week on the phone now, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that e-mail, then?

            (At an office)

            Co-Worker: Hey, you get that call yet?

            Friend 1: Which one?  I get all of them.

           Co-Worker: You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back they’ve got you?

         Friend 1: Why would I call back?  They’ve clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.

            Co-Worker: You call back to see who it is and why they called!  And that’s when they’ve got you.

            Friend 1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.

            Co-Worker: I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number) but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire – hold on a sec; hello?

            Voice on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

            Co-Worker: Dammit!

            Friend 1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….

            (At a café table)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail police!  Maybe call who is listed as the sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with typos!  (Disconnects and heaves a sigh, crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t take this….

            Friend 1: I know, I’m so mad!

            Friend 2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?

            Friend 1: No!  That’s the problem!

            Friend 2: Say what?

           Friend 1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!

            Friend 2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?

            Friend 1: Yes!  That is exactly what I am saying!  (Slurps drink)

           Friend 2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare!  Why on Earth would you ever want to join the ranks of the scammed?!

            Friend 1: No one likes being ignored.

Story 247: Generous Return Policy

            (At a department store’s returns counter)

           Customer 1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.

            Cashier: Beautiful.  (Processes the return) And here’s your refund; have a nice day!

           Customer 1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

            Cashier: Feel it over there, please – next!

           Customer 2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she figured that out –

            Cashier: Not a problem!  Here’s some store credit.

            Customer 2: Really?  So we had that big fight over nothing?

            Cashier: Sorry to hear that – next!

           Customer 3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times, and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.

            Cashier: Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!

            Customer 4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.

            Cashier: Has it been worn?

            Customer 4: Yes.  Quite often, in fact.

            Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

            Customer 4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.

            Cashier: Well then, here’s your store credit – next!

            Customer 4: But I want a refund.

            Cashier: Then here you go!  Next!

           Customer 5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d like to return this for cash.

            Cashier: Sure thing!

          Manager: (Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it!  Folks, it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.

            (Collective groan from the customers)

            Customer 12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?

            Manager: Probably not.  (To Cashier) Walk with me.

            Cashier: Okey-dokey.

            (They aimlessly stroll around the store)

            Manager: I think you may need a refresher course on processing returns.

            Cashier: But I have been processing them!  All of them!

           Manager: Exactly!  Not every item people bring in here is eligible for a return!  And that last one was clearly attempted theft!

           Cashier: But I was told to take everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into hideous monsters who destroy your soul!

            Manager: That’s true, but everything has a limit.  You can’t take back items that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just people offloading their junk.

            Cashier: So how I do keep the hideous transformation from happening?

        Manager: Either shame them into submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how underpaid you are.  It works because it’s true.

            Cashier: I guess I can try.  I just don’t like having to play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince people they can’t pull a fast one.

            Manager: Don’t – the failure isn’t yours.

            Customer 20: Excuse me?

            Manager: Yes?

            Customer 20: Can I return this here? (Holds up a ship’s helm)

            Manager: That clearly is not one of our products.

            Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.