Story 424: Harry Potter and the Ordinary School Year: A Parody

 [Inspired by the 20^th anniversary of the first movie]

 (After the massive metaphorical and literal clean-up necessitated by the Battle of Hogwarts, it is realized that Harry, Ron, and Hermione never actually attended school in the past nine months and still need to complete their seventh year)

 SEPTEMBER 1998

 (In a reserved carriage on the Hogwarts Express)

Hermione: (Already halfway through one of her class’s textbooks) You know, after all we’ve been through, I’m actually quite looking forward to returning to school.

Ron: You would.  Thought I’d catch a break and be showered with all the awards this school could muster for helping save the world, but nope!  Back to mind-numbing classes and ulcer-inducing exams.  (Scarfs down an enchanted piece of pie)

Hermione: I know, isn’t it exciting?!  I’m especially looking forward to taking the N.E.W.T.s, the capstone exam to my academic career!

Ron: And then what?  There’s no more school after that so you’ll have get yourself a job, my lass.

Hermione: (Stares into the middle distance in existential horror) No more school…?

Ron: Oi, Harry, how do you feel about all this?

Harry: (Gazing dreamily out the train window) Do you ever stop and appreciate how not having the fate of world resting on your shoulders or murderous psychopaths constantly after you is such a freeing state of experience to be in?

Ron: …I think that one’s unique to you, mate.

(In the Great Hall at Hogwarts, refurbished to include buffet tables, the Sorting Ceremony has just completed)

Headmistress McGonagall: My first official announcement this year is that this is the last year we will be sorting students into four houses – it is an antiquated tradition that causes division and unnecessary, damaging competition, and in light of recent events we all need to stand together as one school, not arbitrarily separated by who is supposedly brave, smart, evil, and whatever.

Harry: (Mutters to Hermione and Ron in their VIP section of the Gryffindor table) Here we go, folks: I’m already longing for 'The Good Old Days,' and we’re technically still in them.

Hermione: I think it’s a brilliant decision, long overdue.

Harry: But then who’s going to win the House Cup at the end of the year?

Hermione: Who cares?

Harry: (Gasps) You shut your school spirit-less mouth!

Ron: Steady on, Harry – keep going like that and I’ll have to defend my lady’s honor.  With my fists, just so we’re clear.

Harry: Sorry, Hermione.  And I blessedly forgot for a moment you and Ron are a 'thing' now.

Hermione: (Besottedly smiles at Ron and holds his hand, who besottedly smiles and holds her hand back) Only took us until the last year we’d’ve been here to realize it fully.

Ron: Yeah.  And who knows, maybe in another seven years, we’ll make it official!

Hermione: Oh Ronald, I never knew you could be so romantic!

Harry: I will throw up right here if you both don’t quit it in five seconds.

Ron: (Lets go of Hermione’s hand and resumes his attack on the main course) Look who’s Mr. Grumpy – not my fault your girlfriend chose to spend her seventh year as an exchange student at Beauxbatons.

Harry: (Through gritted teeth) Oh don’t you worry about me, Ron.  I’ll be seeing your sister at Hogsmeade and/or Paris every weekend, plus holidays!  (Winks exaggeratedly)

Ron: EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headmistress McGonagall: If that’s all from our extremely senior students, off to bed with the lot of you.  (A chorus of moans is her reply)

Harry: (Raises hand) Excuse me, Professor –

Headmistress McGonagall: It’s Headmistress now, but your error is understandable: proceed.

Harry: Sorry if I missed this earlier, but who is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year?

Headmistress McGonagall: Didn’t you get my owl?

Harry: No…?  Maybe – I got all the owls this summer, it seemed.

Headmistress McGonagall: You were offered a stipend if you wanted to teach that class.

(The entire school stares at Harry in anticipation)

Harry: Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough of that subject to last me a lifetime.

Headmistress McGonagall: Well then, since no one else wants to touch that subject here with a 10-meter pole, it’s off the roster until the next evil wizard or witch shows up to cause a fuss – good luck to the rest of you.

(The students file out of the Great Hall and head to their respective dormitories; the Gryffindor students are dumped into the Formerly Forbidden Corridor after a moving staircase swings them away in the opposite direction of where they need to go, and they slowly navigate their way back)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Approaches from behind Harry) Excuse me – (Harry turns around and stops; Ron and Hermione also stop to listen) I used to be a year behind you so we never formally met, and I don’t want to assume incorrectly –

Harry: Of course; very wise of you.

Gryffindor Seventh Year: Just to be sure, are you really the Harry Potter, the one who defeated Fake-Lord Voldemort?

Harry: (Sighs in only half-irritation) Yes, I am he, formerly The Chosen One, lately The Saviour of the World, or what you will.  (Spreads arms out in resignation)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Straight-arm punches Harry in the face; the latter falls back into Ron’s and Hermione’s arms) That’s for ruining school for me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, ya git!  (Storms off to join the rest of the group that is now far ahead of them)

Harry: (Rubs jaw as Ron and Hermione help him stand up straight and they all continue on their way; shouts after the student) It wasn’t all my fault you know!

Ron: It never was.

Harry: Don’t you start up with that again, pal, I am on my last nerve!

(In Charms class the following day)

Professor Flitwick: Today, I’m going to show you all how to cast a spell where your wand’s core will interact with another wand’s core of the same material.  (Harry starts twitching in his seat) Those of you who have already done that may sit out this session.

Harry: (Grabs his satchel of books and runs out the door) Thank youuuuuuu!!!!

Hermione: (Whispers to Ron) I will never understand why anyone would want to be excused from a class.

Ron: (Smiles and whispers back, rubbing her hand) You’re so cute.

(In a corridor, Harry nearly crashes into Draco Malfoy; they both stop short)

Harry: Oh… I… didn’t know you’d be here this year.

Draco: I was on the train and sat the next table over from you at the Welcoming Feast.

Harry: Right.  Soooooooo, what’s new?  (Winces)

Draco: Taking my seventh year, same as you three.  Mother and, surprisingly, Father thought it would be best, and I agreed.

Harry: How… nice.

Draco: Yeah.  (They stare at the floor) A bit awkward with none of our other classmates around from all those years here, though.

Harry: I know, right?  This place now feels like it’s filled with babies!

Draco: (Laughs; Harry recoils in shock) It’s even worse with the redecorating after all the – (Clears throat) unpleasantness this past spring.

Harry: Tell me about it: they finally demolished the unused bathroom that was only good for hiding a monster cave entrance, but that only left poor Moaning Myrtle wandering around everywhere like a – like a ghost, really.

Draco: Right, and did you see that the Room of Requirement now is visible at all times, for everyone?  What’s the point of having a secret stash room if just anyone can walk in and dump their rubbish there?

Harry: (Shakes his head sadly) Disgusting.  Whelp, Malfoy, I think this has been the first pleasant interaction we’ve had in our entire lives – I’m going outside to thrash some first years in Quidditch now. 

Draco: Go at it.  I’m off to Advanced Potions myself – Professor Slughorn’s all right, but he’s no… well, you know.

Harry: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Merlin’s beard, I never thought there’d be a day where I’d actually miss Professor Snape. 

Draco: We live in strange times, my friend.  (Pats Harry on the shoulder and leaves)

Harry: (Staring after Draco) Is this a fever dream, or have I actually reached a point in my life where I have zero enemies?!

 DECEMBER 1998

(In the Great Hall, Hermione and Ron are all packed to leave for break and approach Harry at a random table, having breakfast in his pajamas and reading the inaugural school newspaper)

Ron: I still don’t get why you’re staying here: you always come over to my family’s house for the holidays, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but Ginny’ll be there the whole time if you need additional incentive!

Harry: Call me sentimental, but I’m trying to relive the wonderful days when I was an unwanted orphan and had to stay at this enchanting place during our first winter break, stumbling upon the mystery of the Philosopher’s Stone and Voldemort’s detached face stuck to the back of Professor Quirrell’s head – it was a simpler time.

Hermione: Harry, don’t take this the wrong way but I think coming back here for one last school year may be driving you a bit mad.

Harry: Rubbish.  I’ve never been so relaxed in my entire life!  Now shove off.  (The others shrug at each other and start to leave; Harry resumes reading the newspaper) And don’t you two come back pregnant now, you hear?!  Plenty of time for that later.

Ron: Nutter.  Almost makes me wish Voldemort were here to give him something to focus on.

                                                                JUNE 1999           

 (In the Gryffindor Common Room, Draco is playing Wizard’s Chess with Ron as Hermione is writing her monograph titled Hogwarts: An Updated History)

Harry: (Bursts in, beaming) Well kids, just got the word: I failed all my N.E.W.T.s.

Ron: What?!

Hermione: (Stands abruptly) Harry!  I’ve never heard such a disappointing thing in my life!  Say it isn’t so!

Harry: Nope!

Hermione: Oh thank goodness.

Harry: No, I mean I won’t say it isn’t so, because it is and I have to take this year over again.

Draco: But Harry, if you want to be an auror you have to pass all your N.E.W.T.s the first time.  Would you like me to have my Fath– (Shakes his head) an untainted relative speak to someone about this?

Harry: I appreciate it, Draco, but it’s all part of the plan.  (Stretches out on the couch and dozes off)

Ron: Plan to stay here forever, I think.

Harry: (Sleepily) If you insist.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

 (After graduation, Ron and Hermione find Harry sitting in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, meditating)

Ron: Hiya, Harry.  Figured we’d find you here.

Harry: You figured correctly.  (He slowly opens his eyes and stands) Let me guess: Hermione was named first in the class, and Ron finally popped the question.

(Ron’s jaw hangs open in shock as Hermione runs to Harry and hugs him)

Hermione: We wanted you to be the first to know!  After our families, that is.  (She holds out her left hand to show him the heirloom ring) Ron said his mother wanted me to have it.

Harry: Nice.  All I got Ginny was a piece of tinfoil.

Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Kidding – I conjured the Hope Diamond and had it set in my mother’s ring.  Nothing’s too special for my woman.

Ron: This is the first I’m hearing of this!

Harry: That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, psych!  (Ron looks murderously at him) But it will!  At some point.  So, congratulations you two, on this and finishing school – top marks to Hermione, naturally – and the jobs I heard you have lined up; you seem to have great lives ahead of you.

Hermione: What about you, Harry?  After you finish here next year.

Ron: Yeah Harry, won’t you have a wedding to plan?!

Harry: Who knows, I may not finish here next year; there’s no telling what the future may bring.

Ron: Harry!  Out of the three of us, I was the one who should’ve wound up the aimless failure, not you!

Harry: Don’t worry your sweet head about me, Ronald – I’ll get my act together next year, I promise.  It’s just, this year I really wanted to enjoy my time at school, you know?  So I gave myself a break from both the struggle to survive and the struggle to complete never-ending reams of handwritten parchment and repetitive exercises, and instead spent time with my friends, and going places and doing things I never got a chance to do while I was here before.

Hermione: Is that why you joined the Poetry Club?

Harry: That, and it really gave me a chance to express myself.  So – (Slaps Ron and Hermione on their shoulders) off you go, you two!  I’ll see you at the party later at the Weasleys’.

Hermione: All right Harry, we’ll look for you then.

Harry: That’s another thing: this is the end of the school year, and people have only said my first and last names together a grand total of four times.  I’m never gonna reach my quota at this rate!

Ron: Seriously, mate, what you probably need is an actual holiday to the beach or the mountains or anywhere that’s far, far away from here.  (He and Hermione hold hands and disapparate)

Harry: Cheers.  Right after I do this one last thing….

(In the public-access Room of Requirement, Harry sits on the floor in front of the Mirror of Erised – his 11-year-old reflection is seated across from him, listening intently)

Harry: …and if someone had told me/you that mean old Snape actually was watching over us this whole time and could’ve been another father figure in our lives if he’d just gotten over his angst, I’d have said they were a filthy liar.

Reflection Harry: Wow.

Harry: Oh, and Ron’s little sister grows up to be HOT.

Reflection Harry: Ugh, gross!

Harry: (Chuckles into a butterbeer) Oh, child.

Reflection Harry: Will I get to be Head Boy in my seventh year?

Harry: (Almost chokes) Uh, no, that’s not much of a priority as time goes on.

Reflection Harry: Will I finally get to beat up Dudley?

Harry: (Tilts his head in thought) Eh, the Dudley issue… takes care of itself, in a sense.

Reflection Harry: What about putrid Aunt Petunia and vile Uncle Vernon?

Harry: No longer relevant.

Reflection Harry: Will I gain top marks in all my classes and be beloved by all?

Harry: Uhhhh….

Reflection Harry: Will I win every Quidditch match here and then the World Cup when I’m 18?

Harry: Quidditch is not a viable career option for us.

Reflection Harry: Will I vanquish all my enemies and seize power in the top echelons of the world’s ministries, both Magic and Muggle?!

Harry: Kid, hold up for a second!

Reflection Harry: Yes?

Harry: I’m going to give you the most important life lesson anyone can ever receive, even though you’re just a projection of my desire to return to an age when awesome adventures awaited me and hadn’t turned out horribly yet.

Reflection Harry: Yes?  What is this important life lesson, then?

Harry: (Takes another slug of the butterbeer) As you get older, life gets a whole lot weirder.

Story 408: Right Seat, Wrong Theater

 (In a large multiplex, Moviegoer 1 starts down the long hallway, popcorn and ticket stub in hand, toward Theater 2.  Outside Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 sees Moviegoer 2 standing in front of an upcoming blockbuster’s poster and reading the fine print, popcorn and ticket stub also in hand.  The latter sees the former approach and turns in recognition)

Moviegoer 2: Oh, hi there!

Moviegoer 1: Hi!  Oh my gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you – how’ve you been?  (They air hug with the popcorn)

Moviegoer 2: Not bad.  This is actually the first time I’m going to the movies in about, umm, two years?

Moviegoer 1: Wow, really?

Moviegoer 2: Well, I never went much anyway, and then with, you know, everything.

Moviegoer 1: Yeah, everything.

Moviegoer 2: Speaking of which, how’re you doing with… everything?

Moviegoer 1: Oh fine, fine – you?

Moviegoer 2: Same: fine.  (They stare at the muted psychedelic carpet for a few moments) So!

Moviegoer 1: Yes?!

Moviegoer 2: Whatcha going to see?

Moviegoer 1: Oh, the new gore-fest slasher, just in time for Halloween: All I Want Is Blood.  (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 2; as they lean in to look, they slowly and unconsciously starting half-circling each other and eventually wind up on opposite sides of where they started)

Moviegoer 2: Nice – I heard that got good reviews.

Moviegoer 1: I know, I can’t wait for the simulated carnage.  You?

Moviegoer 2: (Holds out the ticket stub to show Moviegoer 1) Life, Love, and All That Rigmarole.  It’s a total rom-com, but I heard it leans heavier on the com than on the rom so I figured I’d give it a shot on bargain night.

Moviegoer 1: (Points to the ticket stub) Hey, neat, we have the same seat!  Number.  (Holds out the ticket stub next to the other to show the seat numbers match)

Moviegoer 2: (Looks at both stubs) Well, whaddya know – fate has made… some kind of move, I don’t know.  Your showtime’s starting soon, it looks like.

Moviegoer 1: (Checks watch) Oh yeah, don’t want to miss the trailers, they’re the best part if the movie’s a dud.

Moviegoer 2: Know the feeling.  Whelp, enjoy the movie – maybe we’ll catch up some more on the way out, but if not, have a good night.

Moviegoer 1: (As both walk backward toward the neighboring theater doors) You, too!  Nice talkin’ to you!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 3)

Moviegoer 2: Same here!  (Turns around to walk into Theater 2, muttering) Why do I never remember people’s names?!

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 plops down in the assigned seat and begins munching on the popcorn while watching the continuous commercials.  When the trailers start, Moviegoer 1 checks watch again and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 1: Huh: more and more trailer time is being devoted to soda ads, I see.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 enters the darkened room where the trailers have just started, finds the assigned seat after excusing self down a row of seated moviegoers, flops down, begins munching on the popcorn, checks phone, and frowns at the time)

Moviegoer 2: Weird: guess more and more trailers are being shoved in before the showtime start now.  I’ve been out of the multiplex game too long.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 starts getting bored with the fluffy-goofy trailers and checks phone for updates)

Moviegoer 1: Hmm, this movie’s already got a sequel planned – wonder if that means anyone survives by the end of this one, heh-heh.

Moviegoer 3: (Seated next to Moviegoer 1) Huh?

Moviegoer 1: Just curious whether anyone in this movie’ll make it out alive.

Moviegoer 3: Oh, ha-ha-ha – I’m pretty sure my heart won’t!

Moviegoer 1: Amateur.  If you don’t have the stomach for this kind of thing, you should’ve stayed home!

Moviegoer 3: I know, you’re right, but I can’t help myself: I love these things, it’s almost a compulsion.

Moviegoer 1: Heh, you and me both.  (Eats half the bag of popcorn)

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 2 cringes as another gore-fest slasher is previewed)

Moviegoer 2: I guess these are all here `cause Halloween’s coming up?

Moviegoer 4: (Seated next to Moviegoer 2) What’s Halloween got to do with it?

Moviegoer 2: …Nothing, apparently.  (The movie begins with no credits – the action starts with a group of nubile campers getting wiped out by a killer lifeguard disguised as a clown) Ugh!  I guess this is the tragic backstory for our heroes?

Moviegoer 4: (Slurps soda) There are no heroes in these things.

Moviegoer 2: Well, that’s certainly true to life.

(In Theater 3, the movie begins with no credits)

Moviegoer 1: FINALLY!

Other Moviegoers: Ssshhh!!!

(The action starts with the main couple’s meet-cute as cosplaying knights at a Renaissance Fair)

Moviegoer 1: (Whispers while finishing off the popcorn) Nerd alert!  They’re gonna be the first to go.

Moviegoer 3: (Already crying; whispers) Oh, I hope so!

(Thirty minutes into each film’s runtime)

(In Theater 2, another faux-teenager gets eviscerated)

Moviegoer 2: (Laughing hysterically) This is such a trip!  And the social commentary is ON POINT!

Moviegoer 4: (Gives Moviegoer 2 the side eye) What?

Moviegoer 2: I feel like we’re drowning in metaphors among all the blood – I’m just rooting for our so-called “Killer” and our so-called “Target” to stop fighting their feelings and just find a way to live happily ever after!  I know it’s inevitable, but there’re always a few complications thrown in that make you wonder, “Oh no, are they ever going to get together by the end?!”

Moviegoer 4: There’s something wrong with you.

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 1 is leaning on one hand and stifling a yawn)

Moviegoer 3: (Leans over the armrest) I have a horrible feeling the older cousin’s not going to make it.

Moviegoer 1: I sure hope not!  What’s it gonna take for someone to get offed in this thing?!  (Moviegoer 3 backs off.  In the movie, Older Cousin is found to have passed away peacefully during the night) OK, it’s a start!

Moviegoer 3: There’s something wrong with you.

(At the climax of each film)

Moviegoer 2: Why are they not hooking up yet?!

Moviegoer 1: Why is no one getting slaughtered yet?!

(Both are shushed and thrown popcorn at by their fellow moviegoers)

(The end credits roll around the same time for each movie; Moviegoer 1’s and 2’s eyes widen as all is revealed)

(In Theater 3, Moviegoer 3 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 3: (To Moviegoer 1) Well, that was the most emotionally satisfying thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Moviegoer 1: That makes one of us.

(In Theater 2, Moviegoer 4 starts to leave with the crowd)

Moviegoer 4: (To Moviegoer 2) You know, if serial killer hook-ups are your kink, you might want to stay away from old-school horror films like this.

Moviegoer 2: Half that sentence is absolutely true.

(The crowds pour out of Theaters 2 and 3, with Moviegoer 1 and 2 trailing at the back.  Outside the theaters they spot each other and stop, look up at the movie title sign above their respective theater, then back at each other.  They meet in the middle space between each theater)

Moviegoer 1: Soooooo: fate certainly made a move in making sure no one else had our seat, which would’ve tipped us off before the movie started.

Moviegoer 2: You know, it is an absolute travesty that so few films take the five minutes to show opening credits anymore and insist on going straight into the action instead!

Moviegoer 1: Exactly!  I mean, how else is the audience supposed to know they’re watching the right movie?!

Story 388: The Perils of Acting With a Friend

 (Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)

Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.

Actor 2: Awwww.  Sounds boring – bye.

Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands.  You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.

Actor 2: I’m still a stud!  (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.

Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so.  Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –

Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.

Actor 1: What was your secret?  Body spray?  Piercing contact lenses?  Listening?

Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles. 

Actor 1: What?

Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar.  Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.

Actor 1: Seriously?  That’s all it took?

Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah.  With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream.  And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.

Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?

Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me.  Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow.  Go me.

Actor 1: Good for you.  Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye!  (Disconnects the call)

Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.

 ONE YEAR LATER

 Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.

Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about.  I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.

Actor 1: Thanks.  So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –

Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.

Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!

Actor 2: ….

Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.

Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.

Actor 1: How’s that?

Actor 2: I’m your costar.

Actor 1: Oh.  I see.  Well, this is awkward.  Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.

Actor 2: What?!  Why do I have to drop out?!

Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.

Actor 2: No way!  I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!

Actor 1: Unacceptable!  And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!

Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.

Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!

Actor 2: Ewwwwww!   Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!

Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.

Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!

Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted.  You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!

Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)

Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?

Actor 1: No.

Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.

Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.

Actor 1: Awesome.

Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers!  Get on the bed.

(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)

Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?

Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.

Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.

Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?

Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.

Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult.  Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.

Actor 2: Sure.  (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you.  My love.”

Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”

(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)

Actor 2: Ow!  That was my shin!

Actor 1: Sorry!  Maybe if I go over here….

Actor 2: Ow!  My other shin!

Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?

Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!

Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!

Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?

Actor 2: No!

Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us!  Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!

Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!

Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?

Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try.  (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)

Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.

Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!

Actor 1: After all that?!

Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!

Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.

Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?

Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms!  (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.

Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say.  (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?

Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.

Story 376: Necessary Accessories

 At 6:30 in the morning, Actor returns home from the gym and immediately prepares an energy drink before embarking upon morning meditation; breathing cycles are harshly interrupted by the cell phone ringing.  Actor open an eye to peek at who is calling, then turns off the sounds of chanting monks to answer.

“This better be good – you’re interrupting one of my many daily routines.”

“I can’t keep track of what you do from minute-to-minute; are you up to your 5-mile run yet?” Agent asked.

“No, that’s after breakfast at 7:30, not before!”

“You sure are regimental in, you know, living.”

“I told you, if I’m ever gonna get anywhere in my career I need to live the superstar lifestyle now, so I’ll already have perfection when I ultimately achieve my rightful success and glory!  So why’re you calling me this early, we don’t have our daily update until 4:00?”

“`Cause I wanted to let you know ASAP that your success and glory may finally be here: you got the part in the new --------- film.”

Actor almost dropped the phone: “Eh?”

“Congratulations: table read’s in London on Monday, rehearsals start there the following week, then it’s off to Tunisia for six months’ filming.  I’d appreciate if you brought me along for at least some of this as your valet or something – I never get to go anywhere fun.”

“But – this is a joke – I blew that audition!”

“Guess that’s what they were looking for, then; just keep doing that and you’ll be fine.  Oh, and sign yourself up for some survivalist training or military boot camp or one of those things before you fly out on location, you’re gonna need it.”

Actor bristled slightly: “I thought we’ve already established I am in excellent shape.”

“Oh you are, it’s just that filming will be in a desert and you’re gonna be, you know, wearing all that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You know: makeup, prosthetics, couple of wigs, several layers of capes, a few extra limbs – ”

“Hold it, hold it: who told you this?”

“Casting director.  Did you even read the character description?  You’re playing a full-out creature, 50 lbs of accessories and all.”

“But I thought – everything’s motion-capture now so I assumed – ”’

Agent burst out laughing.  “‘Motion capture?!’  Have you ever even seen a

--------- film?!”

“Don’t be snarky: of course I’ve seen his movies, and he has used updated tech!”

“Rarely, and only if something’s not working out in post-production and he can’t get the actors back in time to reshoot.  That’s why everyone loves his movies, they look so real!  Which means you’re going to be spending 12 hours a day getting buried in material before spending another 12 hours running around in 110°F weather pretending you’re reclaiming your home planet.  Have fun!”  There was a click as Agent ended the call.

Actor stared at the phone, all sense of serenity gone.  “Wait, when do I get to sleep during all that?”

In Tunisia on the first day of filming, Actor enters the makeup trailer at 3:00 in the morning.  The makeup artists are wired, having been there for over an hour already.

“Welcome!  Have a set!”  Lead Makeup Artist gestures to what appears to be a dentist’s chair.

“Uh…” Actor hesitates before being tossed onto the chair by the other makeup artists; then, the work begins.

Four hours later, Actor wakes up from a doze to see in a large mirror that a new face, maroon eyes, towering ears, a mouthful of fangs, three extra arms, and multiple heavy wigs had been added during the interval.  Other co-stars also had arrived in the trailer in the meantime and are partially through their less-involved transformations.

Co-Star in the next chair over, almost done with just a wig, minimal makeup, and an extra nose, gives Actor a thumbs-up: “Lookin’ good!”

Actor stares back, frozen in place: “I can’t feel my skin.”

“No worries: they usually streamline the process by the end of filming – you’ll be here an hour or two less by then, I bet.”  Co-Star hops out of the chair and leaves the trailer, whistling.

“I hate you now,” Actor whispers to the departing figure’s reflection in the mirror.

Lead Makeup Artist leans toward Actor’s actual ear: “Don’t struggle, please.”

“Huh?”

Three makeup artists flip Actor over and start adding four sets of wings and a prehensile tail.

“Can I take a short break to eat and use the bathroom, please?” Actor manages to choke out while smushed through a hole in the chair.

“Should’ve thought of that before the sun rose, dearie,” Lead Makeup Artist replies while painting a layer of glue all over Actor’s back.

Two hours later, Actor is lifted out of the chair by film crew members, set on a trolley, and wheeled to the costume trailer.  Set Costumer looks up and down at Actor, who would be naked if not covered in latex, human hair, horse hair, various species of bird feathers, and sequins, then declares: “This will need some adjustment.”

Actor stands with arms and legs sticking out, from necessity: “Can’t I just go out like this?”

“And waste all this material?!”  Proceeds with a mini-army to spend two hours draping and pinning layers of cloth over, around, under, and through Actor, finishing by using a suture kit to lace up thigh-high boots that have mini-rockets attached to the heels.

Set Costumer stands back to take in the view: “Magnificent!  My best work yet!”

Actor gingerly starts to move, then freezes: “Do you know if all the stuff the other group put on me’ll stay on when I sweat?  All the moisture inside is starting to migrate out.”

“Not my department.”  Set Costumer shoves Actor onto the trolley for the waiting film crew members to wheel that outside where Director, co-stars, and remaining film crew members are set up for the movie’s first scene, located in an open area amongst the sand dunes with the noon sun beaming happily upon them all.

Director stares at Actor being tipped off the trolley to baby step onto the ground, then mutters to Assistant: “Find a way to speed up that one’s prep without omitting any of the feathers.”  Assistant nods while taking notes; Director then addresses the entire assembly for the first time since rehearsal: “All right, this is Day 1 of filming and we’re already three weeks behind schedule, let’s move!”

Actor blinks rapidly as the surroundings swim slightly, then finds the mark and faces the other co-stars in their positions.  The Second Assistant Camera with a slate runs towards the main camera.

“Why Are We Doing This?: Episode -3, Scene 207, Take 1!”  Claps the slate and runs off as Director yells “Action!”

Actor takes a deep breath, clenches a primary fist, grits fangs, glares in character at co-stars who also glare back in character, and proclaims:

“…Line?”

Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 344: Director’s Commentary

            [Disc is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play Movie]

          Director: (Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be  somewhat surprised to hear me doing this, after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.  But, it turns out – money.  You don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits.  I valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we are.

            (Opening establishing shots of the film)

          Director: (V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room.  I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times by now.  Once more with feeling, eh?  (Sound of carbonated drink being opened) Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake…. That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real.  Country was fake, though; surprise for him, let me tell you.  (Sound of drinking soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were fake.  Extras are the worst, always wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it.  Wish I had it so easy.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue!  But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60 seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.  I think my point was made, don’t you?  Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an appropriate adjective for my work.  I defy you to tell me otherwise.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see, it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was.  I’m freakin’ awesome.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is “What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t let me edit any of it out.  So, the scene stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the silhouette by the window.  Never mind, you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look better.  This isn’t a newsreel, folks, this is ART!  (Chokes a bit on the chips)

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the original costume designer halfway through production every day since.  Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward, of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads certainly suffered.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way too many times to enjoy it anymore.  I always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong.  No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in that respect.  Oh well…. (End credits begin to roll) And that’s the end!  (Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep.  Thank you all for watching and listening to me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much appreciated.  Oh, one last thing: next time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better appreciate it.  Now that this cinematic epic is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary edition in 10 years?!  Fine, whatever: the art demands.