Thursday, June 11, 2020

Story 344: Director’s Commentary


            [Disc is loaded into the player; menu appears – Director’s Commentary – ON – Play Movie]
          Director: (Voiceover as opening titles scroll across the screen) So, you may be  somewhat surprised to hear me doing this, after I’d quite vociferously proclaimed on multiple occasions that I would never, ever, EVER do one of these things again.  But, it turns out – money.  You don’t get it with a breached contract, and mine for this film snuck in the whatever disc commentary, sneaky gits.  I valiantly tried to dump this onto the screenwriter, the executive producer, the lead actor, the composer, the caterer, the transportation captain, the president of the fan club – all unanimously told me to shove off, so here we are.
            (Opening establishing shots of the film)
          Director: (V.O.) Hoo-boy, I’d already forgotten this thing’s over three hours long – we shot over 96 hours of footage, so lots of long nights in the editing room.  I think I’ve seen this thing about 300 times by now.  Once more with feeling, eh?  (Sound of carbonated drink being opened) Throat’s already getting dry just thinking about it.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Yeah, that river’s fake… That forest’s fake…. That elephant’s fake…. That king’s fake…. No wait, scratch that, king was real.  Country was fake, though; surprise for him, let me tell you.  (Sound of drinking soda) Aaaaaahhhhh, hate filming crowd scenes – wish those were fake.  Extras are the worst, always wanting to be paid at a higher tier for standing around in the blazing sun for five hours straight, and get a lunch break on top of it.  Wish I had it so easy.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) This scene’s great – steady camera to the rescue!  But seriously, we lost two brave cranes and about 100 yards of track to shoot it, so you’d better appreciate this 60 seconds of cinematic gold…. And it’s over.  I think my point was made, don’t you?  Those trolls online drown out the voices of truth, but legitimate connoisseurs of art would agree that “obscure” is most assuredly not an appropriate adjective for my work.  I defy you to tell me otherwise.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I’ve gotten complaints about this scene because the camera never stops moving, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, the camera is an extension of you, the audience, so you have no one to blame but yourselves…. You see, it’s metaphors upon metaphors…. Wow, what an amazing jump cut that was.  I’m freakin’ awesome.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) I can’t believe I kept this scene in – the lighting does nothing, the actors were off their game, the dialogue is poor, the production design is “What?”, the music is jarringly atonal, the plot goes off on a tangent and takes forever to recover from it – you know what, just forget this scene ever happened, it’s utter garbage…. By the way, this one’s on the screenwriter, not me: I was a tyrant on the set, but the one hold over me in that world is that I must film what’s written in the script, and the screenwriter’s reps wouldn’t let me edit any of it out.  So, the scene stuck, and I was powerless to fight it…. Ooh, this is my cameo – I’m the silhouette by the window.  Never mind, you can remember this scene happened now, I insist.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O. with sounds of eating potato chips) I’d like to take this moment to point out that any historical inaccuracies you all have been so kind to point out to me numerous times are intentional – I know what really happened, we all know what really happened, and it was completely underwhelming so I made it look better.  This isn’t a newsreel, folks, this is ART!  (Chokes a bit on the chips)

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) As you may have noticed, costumes are extremely integral towards making this whole bit of make-believe believable, and I have regretted firing the original costume designer halfway through production every day since.  Slacker totally deserved it, but I must admit there is a distinct decline in the overall work in the scenes filmed afterward, of course not chronologically with regards to the plot…. Yes, the threads certainly suffered.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Director: (V.O.) Almost there – (Yawns) – sorry, but I really have seen this thing way too many times to enjoy it anymore.  I always was told that it’s no fun when you’re the one in charge, but I never believed it until it was too late…. By the way, that pen there symbolizes the main character’s struggles with the eternal question of what’s right and wrong.  No one ever got it, so I guess I failed in that respect.  Oh well…. (End credits begin to roll) And that’s the end!  (Sounds of stretching) I think my leg fell asleep.  Thank you all for watching and listening to me drone on for almost 1/6 of a day, and also for giving me your money – much appreciated.  Oh, one last thing: next time you watch a film, always pay attention to the background details – the crew works so long and so hard to make all that stuff, so you’d better appreciate it.  Now that this cinematic epic is over, go ponder everything I just told you…. Whoa, that was a lot of graphic designers on the payroll, I never realized…. Anyways, I hope now I never have to see this thing again…. (Sound of rustling papers) I also have to do the anniversary edition in 10 years?!  Fine, whatever: the art demands.

No comments:

Post a Comment