DAY 1
(Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)
Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?
Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?
Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks. Whatcha up to now?
Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.
Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once. You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though. You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?
Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.
Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills. Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.
Friend 1: Noted. (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>
Friend 2: What – what happened?! Are you having a heart attack?! Should I call 911?! Answer me!!
Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.
Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?
Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!
Friend 2: Oh. Seriously, that’s it? It sounded like your brain was melting down.
Friend 1: It was! What am I gonna do?! There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!
Friend 2: Hm. Yeah, that’s a bummer.
Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era! They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!
Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.
Friend 1: Unacceptable! I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show! And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!
Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.
Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!
Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?
Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!
Friend 2: I do.
Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!
Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?
Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.
Friend 2: Figured you would. (Ends the call)
Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.
DAY 2
Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?
Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!
Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.
Manager: What?! That was… almost two years ago!
Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.
Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!
Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either! Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!
Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!
Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!
Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!
Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?
Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!
Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!
Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it! (Slams the phone receiver)
Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….
DAY 3
Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?! How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?! No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?! And now I’ve gotta wait – (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?! Madness! (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts) HELLO?!
Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.
Friend 1: YES! I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers! I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!
Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?
Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!
Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.
Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.
Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?
Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine. (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials. At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.
Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?
Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?
Friend 2: Never mind. Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.
Friend 1: …Watch me! (Ends the call)
Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.
Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.
DAY 4
Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth! (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him. (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!! (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!
Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?
Friend 1: How can you tell?!
Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.
Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!
Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.
Friend 1: I’m not stopping now! It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!
Friend 2: Close?! You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!
Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !
Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye. (Ends the call)
Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line. (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)
DAY 5
Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it. It’s done. It’s done, at long last. (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now. (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)
Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?
Friend 1: Yes. I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.
Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it. I hope you enjoyed it after all that.
Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.
Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.
Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.
Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –
Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.
Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –
Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.
Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?
Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again. (Shudders)
Friend 2: Anything else you notice?
Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….
Friend 2: No note, right?
Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?
Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.
Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)
Friend 2: Hello? You OK?
Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.
Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –
Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!
