Story 649: Required Viewing

            (In a booth at a busy restaurant)

Pal 1: (Digging into a hamburger) Heh – remember when dinners like this used to be $10 instead of $30?

Pal 2: (Digging into a salad) I’m sure several generations ago remember when they were 10ȼ instead of $10.

Pal 1: Yeah, that’s true.  Still: I think it took longer for them to get to that point than it did for us to get to this point.  I mean, we should be the age they are now with these prices, instead of, you know, our actual age now.  I wanted at least another decade of decelerated inflation.

Pal 2: Well, you know: things happen.

Pal 1: They sure do.  (Adds a lot of ketchup to the fries on the side)

(The two eat in silence for a bit)

Pal 2: (After drinking the free water) Speaking of inflation, I’m glad there’s still bargain night at the movie theater, or at this rate I’d never go.

Pal 1: Yeah, I’m always working on those nights, so, oh well.

Pal 2: Ugh.

Pal 1: I still go, though, for something I really wanna see.  Like, I’m going to go see the ----------- movie Saturday morning, and that’ll be my movie for the year.

Pal 2: Oh cool, I’m actually going to see that this week, on the bargain night; it looks good.

Pal 1: It looks amazing.  I’ve been waiting years for it to come out, and now it finally is, and all I’ve gotta say is, they’d better not mess it up.  (Adds more ketchup in emphasis)

Pal 2: I’m sure it’ll be fine; it’s the same people who did the show, right?

Pal 1: (Stops mid-ketchup squeeze and narrows eyes suspiciously at Pal 2) Yeah…?

Pal 2: Yeah, so: there you go.  (Snags a crouton) Wonder what the plot’s gonna be?  I’ve noticed the trailers’ve been a bit hush-hush about the whole thing.

Pal 1: (Gently sets down the ketchup bottle) Are you telling me, that you’re going to see the ----------- movie, and you’ve never actually seen the ----------- show?!

Pal 2: Why, am I supposed to?

Pal 1: (Sits back against the booth, flabbergasted) I don’t believe what I’m hearing!  The show’s been around for 10 seasons, and you’ve never come across a single episode, even by accident?!

Pal 2: (Shrugs) Just never got around to it.

Pal 1: And now you want to watch an entire movie about it?!

Pal 2: Well, yeah, I figured they’d want as big an audience as possible so they’ll not have much insider information stuff so as to appeal to viewers like me.

Pal 1: Ha!  You have no idea what you’re getting into!

(Pal 3 slides into the booth next to Pal 1)

Pal 3: Hey, sorry I’m late, glad you started without me – what’d I miss?

Pal 1: (Points to Pal 2 while the latter is in mid-bite) This one here’s going to see the ------------ movie without having seen the ------------ show!  At!  All!

Pal 3: (To Pal 2) Nah, you can’t do that – you have no idea what you’re getting into.

Pal 1: That’s what I said!

Pal 2: (Finishing the bite) Oh come on, it can’t be that hard to figure out – I’ll read a synopsis or something.

Pal 1: A mere synopsis isn’t going to cut it!  You need to experience it FROM THE VERY BEGINNING to even have the remotest chance of comprehending all the lore!

Pal 2: “The lore”?

Pal 1: Exactly!  The show’s universe, all its characters, their backstories, their motivations, their feelings, how they’re all related to each other, the individual adventures that could’ve filled 20 lifetimes – everything!

Pal 3: (Nodding in agreement) Lore is key.

Pal 2: I don’t know, it sounds like it’ll take a lot of time –

Pal 1: Well then, make the time!  The rest of us didn’t spend years of loyal viewing and show supporting and fanfiction writing just for someone like you to breeze on in and casually “watch the movie” like it’s some superhero flick!

Pal 3: Superhero flicks have a lot of lore, too.

Pal 1: I stand corrected.

(Server appears at their table)

Server: (To Pal 3) Hi, ready to order?

Pal 3: Hi, yeah, sorry to be so late, so I’ll just have the medium rare steak special with fries and string beans and house dressing for the salad with a glass of soda and then the brownie ice cream sundae for dessert, please.

Server: (Writing frantically) `K, coming right up.  (Leaves while still writing)

Pal 3: I love eating here.

Pal 1: Yeah, great, so do we; as I was saying: the lore!

Pal 2: Enough with the lore!  Fine, I’ll try to cram in watching the entire show before I see the movie, happy?

Pal 1: Only if you see all 120 episodes beforehand.

Pal 2: What?!

Pal 3: (Nudges Pal 1) Don’t forget the prequel series.

Pal 1: Oh, right, I did forget, how could I?

Pal 2: The prequel what?!

Pal 3: Series.  Got released about halfway through the man series, but you have to watch both of them in the order they aired or else stuff that happens later won’t make any sense.

Pal 1: When did that come out, after Season 4?

Pal 3: Season 5.  But it really should’ve come out after Season 4, in my opinion. (To Pal 2) You’ll get it when you reach that episode – it’s pivotal.

Pal 2: (Has been typing notes into a phone) OK, so, after Season 5 of ---------, watch – (Looks back up at Pal 1 and Pal 3) wait, what’s this other show called?

Pa1 1 and Pal 3: ---- -- ----- ----.

Pal 2: (Typing) Oh… kay… and how many seasons is that?

Pal 1: Only three.

Pal 2: (Typing) OK….

Pal 3: Twenty-five episodes each season.

Pal 1: Both shows.

Pal 2: (Pauses typing) Oh.  How long are the episodes in each show, an hour?

Pal 3: Oh no: 20-ish minutes, tops.

Pal 2: (Starts typing again) Good, much more doable.

Pal 1: But, if you have the streaming package with commercials, that bumps them up to half an hour.

Pal 3: Yeah, those add up.  And there were the inter-season specials, those were about 45 minutes, right?

Pal 1: Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half.

Pal 3: No more than two hours, tops.

Pal 2: (Finishes typing) OK, got it: two shows, average of half-hour episodes, combination of 13 seasons with 25 episodes each season, plus specials, so if I watch nothing else every night for three hours a night starting now, I should finish everything while the movie’s still in the theaters.

Pal 3: (Taking beverage glass and several plates from Server) Thank – you!  (Turns to Pal 2 as Server leaves) And don’t forget the tie-in anime.

Pal 2: (Drops the phone onto the table) The WHAT?!

Pal 1: Eh, I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Pal 3: (Starting on the cornbread) Oh really?  You think the Blue Cloud Redemption Arc that directly impacts Season 7 of ----------- and Season 3 of ---- -- ------ ---- isn’t necessary?  OK.

Pal 1: Wow.  I can’t believe I forgot about that, too.

Pal 3: Maybe you’re the one who should be watching these shows now.

Pal 2: (Sighs and picks up the phone to start typing notes again) You know, for something that’s supposed to be entertaining and relaxing and fun, this feels suspiciously like homework.

Pal 1: Well, we never really leave school behind, do we. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(At the same restaurant, Pal 1, Pal 2, and Pal 3 meet up for dinner again in another booth)

Pal 1: (While sliding into the booth; to Pal 2) So!  Did you watch all the shows we told you to before seeing the ------------ movie?

Pal 2: (With bags under eyes and clenched jaw) Yes.

Pal 1: …And?

Pal 2: And it was exactly what I said it would be!  Instead of hundreds of episodes and months of my life, I could have watched absolutely nothing of anything remotely related to the franchise and I still would’ve been able to follow the plot!  In fact, watching all that other stuff made me disappointed that hardly any of it was mentioned in the movie!

Pal 3: (Ripping apart a dinner roll from a basket on the table) Got a point there.

Pal 1: But – but – the lore!

Pal 2: If I hear that word one more time, I will never want to sit through another show ever again.

Pal 3: So, in spite of all that: did you enjoy the movie?

Pal 2: Eh – I thought the shows were better.

Story 489: Time-Limited Binge Watch

DAY 1

 (Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?

Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?

Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks.  Whatcha up to now?

Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.

Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once.  You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though.  You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?

Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.

Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills.  Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.

Friend 1: Noted.  (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>

Friend 2: What – what happened?!  Are you having a heart attack?!  Should I call 911?!  Answer me!!

Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.

Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?

Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!

Friend 2: Oh.  Seriously, that’s it?  It sounded like your brain was melting down.

Friend 1: It was!  What am I gonna do?!  There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!

Friend 2: Hm.  Yeah, that’s a bummer.

Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era!  They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!

Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.

Friend 1: Unacceptable!  I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show!  And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!

Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.

Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!

Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?

Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!

Friend 2: I do.

Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!

Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?

Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.

Friend 2: Figured you would.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.

 DAY 2

Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?

Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!

Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.

Manager: What?!  That was… almost two years ago!

Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.

Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!

Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either!  Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!

Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!

Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!

Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!

Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?

Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!

Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!

Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it!  (Slams the phone receiver)

Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….

 DAY 3

Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?!  How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?!  No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?!  And now I’ve gotta wait –  (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?!  Madness!  (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts)  HELLO?!

Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.

Friend 1: YES!  I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers!  I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!

Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?

Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!

Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.

Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.

Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?

Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine.  (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials.  At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.

Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?

Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?

Friend 2: Never mind.  Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.

Friend 1: …Watch me!  (Ends the call)

Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.

Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.

 DAY 4

Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth!  (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him.  (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!!  (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!

Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?

Friend 1: How can you tell?!

Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.

Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!

Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.

Friend 1: I’m not stopping now!  It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!

Friend 2: Close?!  You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!

Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !

Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line.  (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)

 DAY 5

Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it.  It’s done.  It’s done, at long last.  (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now.  (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?

Friend 1: Yes.  I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.

Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it.  I hope you enjoyed it after all that.

Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.

Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.

Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.

Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –

Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.

Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –

Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.

Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?

Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again.  (Shudders)

Friend 2: Anything else you notice?

Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….

Friend 2: No note, right?

Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?

Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.

Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)

Friend 2: Hello?  You OK?

Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.

Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –

Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!