Story 493: An Extra Ticket

Relative 1: (Answers ringing phone) Hi, what’s up?

Relative 2: Hey!  So, you doing anything on Saturday?

Relative 1: Uh, don’t think so; why?

Relative 2: Well, the siblings and I want to go see the opera that day and there’s a family group discount thing that can be applied for a minimum of four people but there’s only three of us and no one else we called so far can go that day and we don’t want to get a fourth ticket if no one’s actually going to use it and it’s a really good deal but no worries since you’re our favorite cousin we’ll pay for your ticket and whaddya say?

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t like opera.       

Relative 2: Perfect!  We’ll have great seats – second row orchestra if they haven’t been snatched up by some other family party yet – and we’ll even get your bus and subway tickets for there and back plus throw in lunch `cause you’re doing us such a huge favor.

Relative 1: …But I don’t like opera.

Relative 2: Awesome!  Show starts at 1:00; we’ll pick you up at 9:30 to give us enough time to get to the city and eat; you’re the best; see you then; byeeeeeeee!!!!!  (Ends the call)

Relative 1: (Still holding the phone) …But I don’t like opera.

 SATURDAY

(In the opera house, Relatives 1-4 find their seats in second row orchestra)

Relative 3: (As they all sit) Wow, this is terrific!  We’re so close we’ll be able to see when they miss their marks!

Relative 4: (To Relative 2) You really did get some of the best seats!

Relative 2: (Chuckles humbly) Well, it’s all thanks to you-know-who-here – (Gestures to Relative 1) who so graciously came along with us today so we could get these at an almost-reasonable price.

Relative 1: (Hunched over with arms and legs crossed) Yeah; so how long’s this thing?

Relative 3: Ooh, I saw that in the program…. (Flips through the pages) Ah, here: five hours and 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Uncrosses limbs) WHAT?!

Relative 3: Oh don’t worry, that’s counting the two intermissions that’re 40 minutes long each.

Relative 4: Lots of scenery to build up and break down between acts, you know.  Plus the singers need to rest after screaming at each other and throwing themselves across the stage for over an hour.

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) You didn’t say anything about this thing being almost a quarter of a day long!

Relative 2: Sorry, I thought you knew this particular work was an especially lengthy one.

Relative 1: Why would I?!  I DON’T LIKE OPERA!

Relative 2: First I’m hearing of it.

Relative 3: (As the house lights dim) Ssh-ssh, it’s starting!

Relative 1: (Hissing to Relative 2) And how am I supposed to understand what’s going on when the entire thing’s recited in a language I never learned?!

Relative 2: (Points to panels with buttons on the back of the seats in front of them) You can pull up English subtitles here – now, enjoy the drama!

Relative 1: (Pushes buttons until the English subtitles appear as the conductor takes the podium to applause; mutters) Can’t believe I have to work in order to watch something.  (The overture begins) …At least the music’s decent.

 FIRST INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 4: Golly, this production is fantastic!

Relative 3: Definitely!  I mean, of course the singers and musicians are phenomenal, but those sets!  What a bold choice for them to relocate the action from 18^th-century Venice to a 50^th-century spaceship headed for the Andromeda Galaxy!

Relative 2: Right, and the costumes now being astronaut suits, except one character I think is supposed to be an inhabitant of the planet the main cast landed on so that one’s just in shorts and a T-shirt.

Relative 4: Oh, I thought that character was just the crew’s boss.

Relative 3: Ooh, and replacing the original story’s swords with ray guns?  Brilliant.

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) So, what do you think?

Relative 1: (Staring at the curtain covering the stage) I’m… not sure.

Relative 2: How do you mean?

Relative 1: It’s just… is the main character really out to avenge the family members who were tragically lost, or is the objective actually interplanetary colonization?

Relative 2: Oh, well, the original story was the vengeance angle, but you may be right that this new version added another layer of meaning to everything else going on.

Relative 4: Lyrics are all still the same, though; they held up surprisingly well over the centuries.

Relative 1: (As the house lights dim to start Act 2) Yeah… surprising….

 SECOND INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 1: (Bawling) I don’t understand – why can’t those two spend the rest of their lives together?!

Relative 2: (Also bawling) Duty!  Honor!  The Family!  Pick one!

Relative 1: But the musical cues make it seem like they’re perfect for each other!

Relative 3: (Also bawling) That’s what makes it all the more tragic!

Relative 4: (Also bawling) That and the destruction of Earth and the collateral damage from invasion – but those parts were added just to this version.

Relative 1: I don’t think I can take much more of this!

Relative 2: It’s all right; only two hours to go.

Relative 1: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The cast and orchestra members bow to standing ovations)

Relatives 2-4: (Applauding wildly) Yaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Relative 1: (Applauding wildly while sobbing) You all broke my heart!  Every last one of you!

(Outside the opera house, Relatives 1-4 walk to the nearest subway station)

Relative 4: That was amazing!

Relative 3: Totally!   So glad we got to do this.

Relative 2: Yes, a great day out – (To Relative 1) wouldn’t you say?

Relative 1: (Emerging from being deep in thought) Hm?  Oh, yeah, great.

Relative 2: Sooooo, did you wind up liking it in spite of yourself?

Relative 1: (Stops walking to stare at Relative 2, who also stops) I can’t get the music out of my head.  The singers’ performances will haunt me to the end of my days.  I will never be moved by anything as much as what I experienced just now.  Opera has invaded my soul and claimed me as its own – help me, help me!

Relative 2: (To Relatives 3 and 4) Oh dear, I think we created a monster.

Relative 3: Hey, don’t knock it: the arts'll take all the support they can get these days.

Story 402: Replacement Pianist

 (Backstage, 20 minutes before showtime)

Singer: (To Stage Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner yet?  They’re usually here before I am, and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my professional life.  I don’t like it much.

Stage Manager: We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!

Pianist: (Appears suddenly) `Sup.

Singer: Ohhhh, hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together before.

Pianist: No prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out.  (Yawns)

Singer: Yeah, that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and we continually play off each other, know what I mean?

Pianist: Sure-sure, if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.

Singer: That’s not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing together –

Pianist: Guess the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?

Singer: Practically the whole show’s an ad lib!  I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction!  The show is a living, breathing thing!

Pianist: Wow.  No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a ticket here: this all sounds very involved.

Singer: A hundred – ?!

Stage Manager: (To Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the show last minute.

Singer: (Whips out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this!  (Calls Partner)

Partner: (Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!

Singer: (Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.

Stage Manager: Great!  (Runs away to cue everyone)

Pianist: So, this show got an intermission?

Singer: Intermissions ruin my momentum.

Pianist: Then we may have a problem about 45 minutes in.

(Showtime)

Stage Manager: (On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big round of applause to tonight’s star performer!

(Audience applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)

Singer: (Arrives at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water) Hello, all!  I already love you.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Singer: Now, let’s begin with one of my favorites.  (Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.

Pianist: (Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one?  (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the corresponding sheet music and begins playing)

Singer: (To Audience) You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just like this.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: How long you want me to keep playing the intro?

Singer: I’ll signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –

Pianist: A nod, a wave, a scream, what?

Singer: …I’ll say “Go.”

Pianist: (Shrugs) Your show.

Singer: (To Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –

Pianist: Any idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark?  My fingers are getting bored.

Singer: …Go.

(They perform several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)

Singer: This next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my Broadway debut.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: Funny story: I actually saw you in that.  You’ve gotten better.

Singer: (Smiling through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!

(They get halfway through the song)

Pianist: (Stops playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.

Singer: (Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the classics, aren’t you all?  (Audience applauds)

Pianist: I don’t think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out.  The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and rightfully so.

Singer: (Smiling strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Pianist: Argh, I’ve gotta play this one all over again?!  (Starts the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)

(Finale)

Singer: (After finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one more?

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: No.

Singer: Number 35!

(They perform three more songs)

Singer: Thank you, I love you, good night!

Pianist: Ahem!

Singer: And let’s give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist!  (Applauds Pianist)

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: You all cheer at anything.

(Backstage)

Stage Manager: That was great!  And demand was so high for this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night!  Your manager said you were available.

Singer: Did they now.  Well, my partner should be out of traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated.  (To Pianist) It’s been real.

Pianist: Yeah, I’ve had worse.

Singer: I haven’t.  (Starts to leave)

Pianist: Hey, one more thing?

Singer: (Turns back sharply) What?!

Pianist: Can I have your autograph?