Story 406: If You Could Choose Any Superpower…

 Friend 1: …WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Friend 2: HUH?!

Friend 1: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME – YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

Friend 2: WELL, WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EARSPLITTING CONCERT AND YOUR QUESTION IS CLEARLY OFF-TOPIC, SO IT’S JUST TAKING ME A LITTLE WHILE TO CATCH UP!

Friend 1: FINE, I’LL WAIT TILL INTERMISSION!

INTERMISSION

Friend 1: SO, IF YOU COULD –

Friend 2: You don’t have to bellow now; the noise level’s reduced slightly.

Friend 1: Sorry, my ears are still ringing a bit.

Friend 2: You know, that may actually be a sign of hearing lo-

Friend 1: SO, what I scream-asked earlier was: If you could choose any superpower, what would it be?

Friend 2: …Whyyyyyy?????

Friend 1: I was thinking I wanted to enhance our concert-going experience since we’re in the next-to-last row on the ceiling, and I can’t decide which would be best: super-vision?  Super-hearing?  Invisibility?

Friend 2: That last one would certainly help if everyone else had it: we finally could see the stage at least.

Friend 1: Yeah, but then they’d get up to all sorts of mischief without any accountability whatsoever.

Friend 2: Oh yeah.  Ew.  Never mind.

Friend 1: Teleportation?  Front row seats.

Friend 2: Heh, that one’d also shave time off my daily commute.  We can keep this power after the concert, right?

Friend 1: Oh yes, it’s yours for life, but only the one.

Friend 2: (Thinks for a few moments) I’d probably choose telekinesis.

Friend 1: Really?  Not telepathy?

Friend 2: Gosh no – do you really want to know what everyone’s thinking, all the time?  It’d be no end of revulsion.

Friend 1: Good point.  So telekinesis then?

Friend 2: Oh yeah: zero-effort opening doors, changing TV channels, getting stuff out of the fridge, moving weirdos outta my way, the works.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Thinks on this) Oooohhhh….

Friend 2: Yeah, I figured that’d appeal to your innate laziness.

Friend 1: Hey!  I’m not lazy!

Friend 2: Course you are.  And with telekinesis, you’d barely have to move a muscle ever again, if you really wanted.  A sloth’s paradise.

Friend 1: I like sloths.  They take the time to appreciate life.

(The band re-emerges on the stage and the audience stands and screams their approval)

 Friend 2: (Also standing) `K-THEY’RE-BACK-DON’T-SPEAK-FOR-ANOTHER-TWO-HOURS-WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Friend 1: (Stands slowly, stares inwardly, and whispers to self) And no one would ever mess with me again.

Friend 2: WHAT?

Friend 1: I SAID “WOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 wakes up, sits on the edge of the bed, and stares thoughtfully at a pair of slippers on the floor)

Friend 1: (Whispers to them) Move.  (The slippers wobble, then fly onto Friend 1’s feet) Whoa.  (Looks around) Must still be asleep.

(After getting dressed and going to the kitchen, Friend 1 stares at the refrigerator before holding a hand out to the handle without touching it.  The door opens suddenly so the handle goes into Friend 1’s hand)

Friend 1: (Staring at the open refrigerator with wide eyes) Just hungry?

(At the supermarket, Friend 1 pushes a shopping cart up and down the aisles; surreptitiously looking around to make sure no one is nearby, Friend 1 lets go of the cart but keeps hands hovering over the handle so that it still moves forward, then grips the handle again tightly)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Momentum.

(In Produce, Friend 1 stands in front of the apple section and unobtrusively floats several of them in the air to check for bruises; as a fellow shopper comes nearer, Friend 1 hurriedly grabs a few apples and shoves them into a bag before rushing the cart away)

Friend 1: (To Shopper) What, I didn’t see that, you’re imagining things!

Shopper: (Without looking up from the dragon fruit) Don’t talk to me.

(On the way home, Friend 1 giddily and literally drives hands-free)

Friend 1: Look, Ma!  No hands!  (Sees a traffic light turn from yellow to red) Oh shoot.  (Grabs the wheel and slams the brake)

(On a walk through town, Friend 1 hover-bounces a basketball along the sidewalk until seeing a construction site where an excavator is being used to create a huge hole)

Friend 1: (Drops the ball and addresses the construction workers) Never fear, good people!  Your deliverance is at hand!  (Raises arms to lift a lot more dirt out of the ground and dump it on the growing pile near the excavator.  The construction workers all stare in shock at the dirt, then at Friend 1) No need to thank me!

Supervisor: We won’t – the hole’s way too big now, you freak!

Friend 1: No need for name-calling, honest citizen!  I’ll just put some of it back – (Raises arms and some of the dirt pile simultaneously)

Construction Workers: (Hold their arms out in front of them) Whoa-whoa-stop!

Supervisor: You’re making more of a mess, and you’ll put us all out of a job!  Just – beat it!

Friend 1: (Lowers arms and dirt, then sighs) The inevitable public backlash.  I should retire from my superheroic endeavors while my good name’s still intact.  (Skips away while hover-bouncing the basketball again)

Supervisor: (To colleague) Who was that clown anyway?  (Is answered with a shrug, and the entire event is forgotten immediately by all present)

(Back home, Friend 1 hovers a finger over the cell phone to select and call Friend 2’s number from the contact list)

Friend 2: Hel-lo, ears still vibrating from last night?

Friend 1: Yes – listen, I tried it today and decided the whole thing just isn’t working out.

Friend 2: You neglected to mention the topic of conversation.

Friend 1: The telekinesis thing!  I’ve done it, and it’s just not worth it.

Friend 2: You’ve still lost me in the woods of your brain.

Friend 1: I’ve done it all – using it for minor conveniences, trying to save the world, the whole shebang: the people have already turned against me, and now I can’t risk you, my lifelong friend, eventually transforming into my ultimate nemesis I’ll have to regrettably destroy, I just can’t!

Friend 2: What are you talking – ?

Friend 1: No superpower is worth losing our souls or our unbreakable friendship over, so don’t try to misguidedly convince me otherwise!

Friend 2: OK.  I won’t.  I’m going back to dinner with my parents now.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry to interrupt, tell `em I said “Hi!”

Friend 2: Will do – bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Sets down the phone, then walks over to the living room window and stares heroically out it) The eternal quandary: in order to save the world, I must give up the power I love most.  It’s a noble sacrifice I’ll gladly suffer in silence for.  (Suddenly looks down at the ground near the apartment building and sees an oblivious car about to clip an oblivious jogger; Friend 1 holds out a hand and delays the jogger long enough to miss the car; both continue on their oblivious ways.  Friend 1 grimaces slightly, eyes darting around in guilt) Maybe just that once.

Story 206: The Accidental Magician

            (Co-Worker 1 stops by Co-Worker 2’s desk)

           Co-Worker 1: So I have to go to one of those meetings that tries to accomplish something important and manages only to fill the attendees with regret – wanna come with?

            Co-Worker 2: (Staring at nothing) Actually… I’m too disturbed to do anything right now.

            Co-Worker 1: How’s that?  Corporate coming to inspect your department today?

          Co-Worker 2: That I could wrap my head around.  No, it’s just – (Finally focuses on Co-Worker 1) I’ve suddenly realized that I’m a magician.

         Co-Worker 1: How’s that again?  You taking lessons for a second career as party entertainment?

            Co-Worker 2: No, I mean that I’ve discovered a power that I’ve never had before, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with the omnipotence right now.  I’m afraid I might destroy the world with it by mistake.

           Co-Worker 1: (Pulls a chair over to sit) All right, I’ll bite: what’s this newfound magical power you think you have?

            Co-Worker 2: (Leans in and whispers) I can make things disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, is that all?  I do that all the time – it’s called age, love: welcome to the years of declining memory; I’m looking forward to the senility myself.  Not really.

            Co-Worker 2: It’s more than just misplacing a few things – I mean, you eventually find them somewhere, right?

            Co-Worker 1: For the most part.  I’m still always on the lookout for my 5-year pin, though, so if you come across that just leave it on my desk, would you?

            Co-Worker 2: Well, I’ve been making things disappear and THEY NEVER COME BACK.

            Co-Worker 1: That’s a pretty definitive statement to make, though – there’s no way to prove it either way and is therefore fallacious.  Yes!  I learned that word last week and have been dying to use it in a sentence, thank you.

         Co-Worker 2: You’re not getting it: in the past month I have lost seven pens, three desk calendars – and not the tear-off kind, mind you, I mean the big ones that take up the whole desk – four staplers, a report saved on my computer, two pieces of candy, and 25 minutes!

            Co-Worker 1: (Blinks) Right, except for that last one, I think you’re just another unfortunate victim of The Office Thief.  I hate that guy.

            Co-Worker 2: I wish I was!  An external menace I could deal with; it’s the internal ones that can never be defeated, save by your own death.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, let’s back this up a little here: how are you so certain that someone isn’t just stealing your stuff?  Or that you’re not just misplacing them really, really well?

            Co-Worker 2: Allow me to demonstrate: do you have a pen or something else on your person that you aren’t particularly attached to?

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, let’s see – (Searches through pockets) here, here’s a cigarette – (Gently slams it onto Co-Worker 2’s outstretched hand) that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore, so this is perfect, go ahead, make it disappear!

            Co-Worker 2: (Holds the cigarette in the air for a moment, then sets it gently on the desk) Now, we wait for the magic.

            Co-Worker 1: (Stares at the cigarette for a bit, with folded arms and twitching) So, is there going to be a puff of smoke or pixie dust or something here?

            Co-Worker 2: Nothing like that.  All I have to do is make contact with the object, and then ignore it until I make it disappear.

            Co-Worker 1: It’s probably just going to roll off the desk and get stuck next to the garbage can, you know.

            Co-Worker 2: You’ll see.  To keep you from staring at it, tell me what this meeting today’s going to be about whilst I keep my hands visible in my lap.  (Does so)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, well, (Looks at watch) I’ve missed it, so that’s a good thing.  It’s one of those where we all get told what new tasks we’re going to get assigned to make things better, we’ll have to do them for a few months, and then the whole extravaganza sputters out to nothing and we all give up until the next go-round – it makes me so sad.

            Co-Worker 2: Hm.  I have to go to one like that tomorrow.  (Turns to where the cigarette was on the desk and then looks back at Co-Worker 1) Et voilà.

            Co-Worker 1: (Points to the now-empty spot on the desk) Wait a minute.  I didn’t see it move.  I didn’t see you move.  So where is it?!

            Co-Worker 2: Indeed.  Where could an inanimate object possibly have gone within the space of a minute with no obvious outside force acting on it?  You don’t know!  And neither do I.

            Co-Worker 1: (Scatters around the remaining objects on the desk, dives under the desk and searches a bit, then pops back up) It disappeared.  I don’t understand, there’s nowhere else for it to go!  (Looks at Co-Worker 2) It’s in your pocket.

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns pockets out) If only the answer was that I was a disturbed kleptomaniac.  No, I fear that my powers are all too real, and I have to figure out how to control them and soon, else the next thing to disappear forever may very well be the Atlantic Ocean.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, even though I’ve only had one weak example of all this – (Grabs a co-worker passing by) would you mind making Bob disappear?  He’s mean and makes the world a worse place with his horrible actions.

            Bob: Hey!

            Co-Worker 1: Own your sins like a real man, Bob!

            Co-Worker 2: See, this is what I meant earlier – I can’t go around using my newfound powers for evil!

            Co-Worker 1: But Bob is evil!

           Bob: Would you mind plotting behind my back like a normal person?  I need the manufactured justification for my revenge later.

            Co-Worker 1: (Releases Bob) Yeah, fine, go away while we plot, Bob.

            Bob: (Straightens shirt) I thank you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Maybe “accidentally” bump into him later, if that’s all you need to do?  Then we can all breathe freely in a world without Bob.

            Co-Worker 2: (Stands) You know, I told you all this for the sympathy and maybe some advice, and instead you did the typical human thing of trying to exploit it for your own advantage.  Good day to you.  (Leaves)

            Co-Worker 1: Where are you going?  There’re still two hours left on your shift!

            Co-Worker 2: (Turns back self-righteously) I’m going to the rest of that meeting you ditched – maybe some good can be brought out of all this madness!

            Co-Worker 1: Fine, you… nerd!  (To self) Waste of perfectly awesome powers; wish I could make things disappear, then it’d at least look like I got some work done around here.