(Backstage, 20 minutes before showtime)
Singer: (To Stage Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner yet? They’re usually here before I am, and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my professional life. I don’t like it much.
Stage Manager: We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!
Pianist: (Appears suddenly) `Sup.
Singer: Ohhhh, hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together before.
Pianist: No prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out. (Yawns)
Singer: Yeah, that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and we continually play off each other, know what I mean?
Pianist: Sure-sure, if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.
Singer: That’s not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing together –
Pianist: Guess the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?
Singer: Practically the whole show’s an ad lib! I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction! The show is a living, breathing thing!
Pianist: Wow. No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a ticket here: this all sounds very involved.
Singer: A hundred – ?!
Stage Manager: (To Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the show last minute.
Singer: (Whips out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this! (Calls Partner)
Partner: (Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!
Singer: (Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.
Stage Manager: Great! (Runs away to cue everyone)
Pianist: So, this show got an intermission?
Singer: Intermissions ruin my momentum.
Pianist: Then we may have a problem about 45 minutes in.
(Showtime)
Stage Manager: (On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big round of applause to tonight’s star performer!
(Audience applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)
Singer: (Arrives at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water) Hello, all! I already love you.
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Singer: Now, let’s begin with one of my favorites. (Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.
Pianist: (Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one? (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the corresponding sheet music and begins playing)
Singer: (To Audience) You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just like this.
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: How long you want me to keep playing the intro?
Singer: I’ll signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –
Pianist: A nod, a wave, a scream, what?
Singer: …I’ll say “Go.”
Pianist: (Shrugs) Your show.
Singer: (To Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –
Pianist: Any idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark? My fingers are getting bored.
Singer: …Go.
(They perform several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)
Singer: This next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my Broadway debut.
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: Funny story: I actually saw you in that. You’ve gotten better.
Singer: (Smiling through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!
(They get halfway through the song)
Pianist: (Stops playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.
Singer: (Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the classics, aren’t you all? (Audience applauds)
Pianist: I don’t think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out. The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and rightfully so.
Singer: (Smiling strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?
Pianist: Argh, I’ve gotta play this one all over again?! (Starts the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)
(Finale)
Singer: (After finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience! (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one more?
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: No.
Singer: Number 35!
(They perform three more songs)
Singer: Thank you, I love you, good night!
Pianist: Ahem!
Singer: And let’s give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist! (Applauds Pianist)
Audience: Wooooo!!!!
Pianist: You all cheer at anything.
(Backstage)
Stage Manager: That was great! And demand was so high for this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night! Your manager said you were available.
Singer: Did they now. Well, my partner should be out of traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated. (To Pianist) It’s been real.
Pianist: Yeah, I’ve had worse.
Singer: I haven’t. (Starts to leave)
Pianist: Hey, one more thing?
Singer: (Turns back sharply) What?!
Pianist: Can I have your autograph?
