(In
an office, the Editor sits behind a desk as the phone buzzes)
Editor:
(Presses button) Yes?
Receptionist:
(Voiceover) They’re here – should I send them in or tell them you’ve been
fired?
Editor:
The former, unfortunately.
(The
Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew enter; the first two sit on chairs in front of
the desk and the others sit all over the floor and remaining furniture)
Editor:
(After everyone has settled in) Do sit down.
Author:
All right, I know this won’t be a pleasure meeting since you insisted I bring
all of them here. (Gestures to the
Ragtag Crew)
Ragtag
Crew: Yo!
Editor:
Yes, well, the team here at the publishing house has been reviewing your
manuscript, and –
Author:
If you want your advance back you can forget it; this one made sure of
that. (Gestures to the Agent)
Agent:
Oh yeah, sweet moolah.
Editor:
No, we love your work, we really do – there’s just one stumbling block we keep
running into every time we read it.
Author:
What, the typos?
Editor:
Since you brought it up, you really should have taken care of those before
submission, you know.
Author:
Part of my charm.
Editor:
It really isn’t. However, the stumbling
block to which I’m referring is Chapter… (Flips through a proof) 109. Specifically, the second half – the first
half is pure genius.
Author:
Why, thank you. (Takes the proof and
skims the top page) Oh, you mean the flashback scene?
Editor:
(Holds back a grimace) Yes. That.
Author:
I don’t get it; what’s wrong with it?
Editor:
How can I put this nicely: it absolutely kills the book. (The Author’s mouth drops open and the Ragtag
Crew hisses in union) Every time I get to that part, I want to chuck the whole
thing out the window and into an incinerator.
And then perform an exorcism over the ashes, just to be sure.
Author:
(Unseeingly flips through the pages) But – but – but how can you say that?! This is some of my best work, condensed into 99
pages of sheer bliss!
Editor:
(Leans over the desk to stare intently into the Author’s eyes) It has nothing
to do with the rest of the plot. You
could literally slice that entire half-chapter out with a straight edge razor
and no one would notice the difference.
Author:
(Disbelievingly) Oh really?
Editor:
Fine, maybe somebody would notice. How
about this: I got an actual migraine trying to figure out whose POV it was
being told from, until after five reads I realized it was yours!
Author:
Yeah, isn’t that great?
Editor:
No it is not great; it is unreadable!
(Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew gasp)
Ragtag
Crew Member: Blasphemy!
Author:
There is no other choice: the scene has to be cut.
Author:
(Stands and slams the 2,000+ page proof onto the table) Unacceptable! My child will not be mutilated!
Editor:
It’s not even a full chapter.
Author:
Mutilated!
Editor:
We had a feeling you would react that way, so we created a list of
ameliorations. (Picks up a list from the
desk and looks it over) Since there are elements of the scene that could be
effective elsewhere, here are our proposals: (Points to one of the Ragtag Crew)
Reveal of the Unknown Father should be relocated to the middle of Chapter 2 and
then subdivided there and throughout Chapters 17-20 and then 99-105 –
Author:
Ugh!
Editor:
(Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Dream Sequence should be real and should
move to the Prologue –
Author:
The Prologue is sublimely perfect the way it is now!
Editor:
(Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Surprise Unfaithful Lover should be Best Friend instead; figure out a way to incorporate the former’s personality
into the latter’s –
Author:
(Metaphorically foams at the month and whispers) Monster.
Editor: (Points to another of the
Ragtag Crew) Oh, and Sudden Reversal also should subdivide so it can happen
twice, once in Chapter 88 and another in Chapter 223.
Author: (Points at that member of
the Ragtag Crew as they stand) You will do no such thing! (Ragtag Crew sits down again; to the Editor)
You realize all that would entail months – no, years – of rewrites?! I’d have to restructure the entire plot to accommodate
this – this – cannibalization!
(Ragtag Crew and the Agent shudder)
Editor: We prefer the term “repurpose.” And to answer your question: yes I do and yes
it would.
Author: Aha!
Editor: Or you could just cut the
scene.
Author: (Stares coldly at the
Editor) You foul fiend. This was your
diabolical plan all along, wasn’t it?!
Editor: Why yes, I believe I made
that quite clear several minutes ago.
Author: (Collects injured dignity
and motions for the Agent and Ragtag Crew to stand) Very well, then: you may
have won the battle, but I will not rest until I find a way to make my darlings
live on in another book, someday, somehow!
Editor: (Begins writing a letter)
That’s fine, do whatever you want, just get them out of this one.
Author: Hmf! (Turns to leave with the others; the Ragtag
Crew console each other and sob)
Editor: (Looks up) Oh, and while you’re
at it, you might want to consider cutting this one, too – (Gestures to the
Agent) absolute deadwood.
Author: For once, we agree.
Agent: Hey!
Author: Have you contributed
anything of substance to this scene?
Agent: ….
Author: I didn’t think so.
