(In a packed theater, Magician takes the stage)
Magician: (Bowing to thunderous applause) Thank you! Thank you, everyone! And now that I’ve returned the stage to this building after depositing it in the middle of the South Pole, I’m going to play that riskiest of wild cards in live entertainment and ask for a volunteer from the audience! (Hands are raised and held down equally eagerly) And just so you don’t think I have a prearranged assistant out there somewhere who has to watch the same show every night, I’m going to favor the higher-paying orchestra seats by tossing out this everyday, innocuous, perfectly innocent rubber ball for one of you randos to catch! (Waves a hand to make the ball appear out of thin air) If you get hit in the head with this, your ticket purchase means you can’t sue.
(Magician throws the ball high over the orchestra section where it is fumbled several times on the landing; meanwhile, an audience member from the mezzanine leaps off the railing, lands on a number of upraised hands to crowd surf a bit, and dives for the ball around Row J as others swarm, eventually wrenching it away and holding it aloft)
Magician: (Blinks a few times at the spectacle) Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. From what I could barely see past these blinding lights, whoever actually has the ball now, come on up!
(Volunteer runs up to the stage, leaps up the steps, and hands the ball to Magician, who makes it disappear again with a flourish)
Magician: Hello, welcome, here’s a microphone – (Drops a loop of cords around Volunteer’s neck) so I don’t have to hold one for you, and what’s your name?
Volunteer: I’d rather not announce it to a thousand strangers.
Magician: …We’ll skip that part, then. And are you enjoying the show so far?
Volunteer: Oh yes, it’s really helping my new career.
Magician: Really, and that is…?
Volunteer: Professional Magic Debunker.
Magician: …What?!
Volunteer: You’re giving me a run for my money tonight but I think I’ve almost got it all figured out, like when everybody here mentally picked out the Queen of Spades `cause it always would be that card no matter what –
Magician: What a character! On with the next trick! (Stage crew members wheel out a chalkboard, a table with a hat and cards, and a chair) Now then! Please have a seat. (Gestures to the chair; Volunteer sits) Have you ever had your mind truly read before?
Volunteer: No, and I never will because there’s no such thing as telepathy.
Magician: Ahahaha! – hold this card. (Gives Volunteer a card) Now: I have written several numbers and words on that card that will be revealed later – please put it in your pocket for now. (Volunteer does so). Right: let’s begin, shall we? (Holds hands on head while staring at Volunteer; spooky background music plays) Pick a number between 1 and 7,000, and without speaking, send it to my mind.
Volunteer: That’s impossible: the human brain has no capability to receive specific thoughts generated by the neurons of another brain as sensory input.
Magician: (Through gritted teeth) Humor me. (Closes eyes and holds head again as Volunteer stares back) Got it! (Writes “3,728” on the chalkboard)
Volunteer: That’s not the number I was thinking.
Magician: Oh? Are you sure? THEN WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!
Volunteer: (Pulls out the card from earlier and holds it up for a crew member to film and project on a screen that it reads “3,728”, along with “49”, “BAT”, and “SAGITTARIUS”; the audience members cheer wildly) You already wrote this out and then said the same number just now. Normally, I think you would have switched out the cards before the big reveal in case you couldn’t steer me to these answers, though.
Magician: (Freezes for a moment, then mutters) Blast, skipped a step. (Louder) That was just a warm-up! Now, the real game begins! (Gestures for Volunteer to stand) Tell me, did you have a wallet on your person when you came up here?
Volunteer: Yes, but you lifted it before I sat down – I didn’t want to cause a scene. You’d make an excellent thief, by the –
Magician: SO, how did it wind up in that locked box ALL THE WAY UP THERE?!!!! (Points dramatically to a transparent box sitting on a raised platform stage left where a wallet can be seen inside; the audience members cheer wildly)
Volunteer: (Squints up at it in thought) Hmmmm… ah! You gave it to one of the stage crew earlier, or that’s not my wallet and you’ll switch it out when you open the box later.
Magician: (Grinning in desperation; to the audience) Isn’t this one hilarious?! (The audience members laugh)
Volunteer: I wasn’t trying to be funny –
Magician: And on to the last bit! (Stage crew members remove the other props and wheel out a closed, long rectangular box on a raised platform) And now, with this expert witness, I will astound your minds as I proceed to SAW MYSELF IN HALF!
Volunteer: Wait, what?!
Magician: (Spins the platform around to show the audience all angles, opens all sides of the long box, hops inside to lie down, and closes the sides; to Volunteer) Now, my faithful newly-dubbed assistant, could you please check underneath this platform and all sides and confirm to our lovely audience that there are no mirrors whatsoever?
Volunteer: (Walks around the platform, peering and waving an arm below it and inspecting all sides) Well, no mirrors – (Stops at one point) although there is –
Magician: (Facing away from the audience to address Volunteer through clenched teeth) You want your wallet back?! I also took your cell phone and an incriminating locket.
Volunteer: – nothing to see here!
Magician: (Back to the audience) Wonderful! And here we go! (Picks up a hand saw that was lying next to the box and saws self in half) Ooh! Ow! Eek! Aha! Faithful assistant, please pull me apart! (Volunteer pulls the lower half of the box away that has Magician’s feet poking out of the end and waving around; the upper half waves at the audience which is cheering wildly) Now spin me! (Volunteer spins the lower half around and then walks over to the upper half to spin that as well, to even louder cheers) Now put me back together!
Volunteer: (Reconnecting the halves) I must say, the engineering –
Magician: Isn’t this a wonderful assistant, folks?! (The audience members cheer wildly) And now, assistant, open the box! (Volunteer opens the lids; the intact Magician leaps out and bows to thunderous applause) Thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience! (Turns to Volunteer, grabs a bunch of items out of various pockets, and hands them to the latter while removing the microphone) And you! (Mutters) Not so great.
Volunteer: (Looks back up to the stage left platform) Hey, what happened to the box that should’ve had my wallet?!
Magician: Aha, what box? (Menacingly) You see what I want you to see. (Smiles broadly, then pulls a bouquet of real flowers from Volunteer’s ear) A memento for your time here tonight!
Volunteer: (Accepts the bouquet gingerly) I have to admit, that conjuring bit always gets me.
