(Friend 1 and Friend 2 park in the overflowing lot at the multi-purpose farm, then head over to the main entrance to stand on the extremely long line for tickets)
Friend 2: (At the sign reading “Line Wait Time: Approx. 40 Minutes”) This place had better be worth the admission price, especially after last year’s debacle.
Friend 1: Hey, we both wanted to do something different then – is it my fault their only employee was an actual werewolf?
Friend 2: Keep your voice down: do you really want everyone here to know about that?
Friend 1: (Whispers) Oh right. (Back to normal volume) You have to admit though, we were never in any real danger except what we inflicted upon ourselves.
Friend 2: I’d agree, if the place had been more upfront about the whole thing.
Friend 1: Where’s the scary fun in that?
Friend 2: (After a few moments of the line inching up and them staring out at the eerily twilit corn maze, eerily shadowed farmhouse, and eerily distant highway) So, this haunted house is just the usual actors jumping out at us and hidden speakers playing Halloween’s Greatest Hits and impressive decorations and screams all around, right?
Friend 1: (Stares at the farmhouse a bit longer, then turns to Friend 2 distractedly) Huh?
Friend 2: I said, this place just has regular human beings banging the walls and getting up in our faces in a less-than-30-story building, right?
Friend 1: Oh sure, sure. (Stares at the farmhouse some more) Surrrrre….
Friend 2: (In a flat vice) What aren’t you telling me?
Friend 1: Oh nothing, nothing; this place just caught my eye `cause the ad said it was a “Real” Haunted House – they forgot the quotes around “Real,” though – I was tempted to call the newspaper’s advertising department but then realized it was this place that’d created the ad so they’d have to be the one to fix it and it’d be too late by now so, yeah.
Friend 2: (Staring at Friend 1) I’m going to remind you of this conversation after tonight’s certain disaster.
Friend 1: No need.
(An hour later, an employee leads Friend 1 and Friend 2 into the farmhouse with four other guests. The employee is dressed as a lazy witch: half a hat, a shawl thrown over a sweater and jeans, and a fake wart threatening to fall off a cheek)
Employee: (Addressing the group inside the farmhouse after closing the front door) All right: this was a working farm in 1840-whatever; you can read all about the soul possession and nightly raves the family here had on the large sign you passed on the way in; follow the glow-in-the-dark arrows on the floors to navigate through the house and exit out the back; don’t touch anything; if you break any of the property you will be recorded on camera and billed starting at $200; I am legally required to remind you that any and all of the ghosts, goblins, ghouls, demons, monsters, trolls, zombies, etc., etc. you may or may not encounter are real due to the current property owner’s securing them for your entertainment, the effort of which is reflected in your ticket price; that purchase indemnifies and holds harmless said owner and all ghosts, goblins, etc., etc... that’s about it, have a spooktacular time, bye. (Pushes through the group to exit the front door and lock it)
(The farmhouse is suddenly plunged into darkness when all the faint hall lights go out, save for the glowing arrows on the floor leading to a kitchen; a muted cackling is heard through the ceiling directly above their heads, a rattling chain speaks close by, and a neon digital clock on a wall buzzes to life and begins counting down from 30 minutes. Most of the group pull out their cell phones and activate the flashlight app, illuminating their faces)
Friend 1: So, who’d like to go first?
Friend 2: That sounds like a volunteer.
Guest 1: All that stuff about the ghosts here being real was just a joke, right? It’s just a bunch of teens and sound effects, right? Right?!
Guest 2: You are not wimping out on me again this year!
Guest 1: I’m not wimping out! It’s just sometimes people get carried away at these things – I’m only being sensibly cautious!
Friend 2: Supposedly, this is a really real haunted house. As in, really-real.
Friend 1: Real is such a subjective term.
Friend 2: Is it?!
(Employee unlocks the front door and leans inside, knocking the half-hat even more askew)
Employee: Clock’s ticking, people, get a move on!
Guest 1: But –
Employee: No refunds! (Slams the door and locks it again)
Guest 3: Guess that’s that, then: we have no choice but to go forth into the terrifying unknown.
Friend 2: Technically, we always have a choice –
Friend 1: No we don’t! Onward! (Leads the way to the sinister kitchen)
(As the group enters the room, there is movement by the low-lit fireplace; approaching, they see several trolls playing cards on the hearth)
Troll 1: King of clubs?
Troll 2: (Checks hand) Go fish.
Troll 3: (Sees the humans) Hi there! Want us to deal you in?
Group: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(They flee the room, making sure to follow the arrows)
Troll 2: (To Troll 3) I keep telling you, don’t bother being friendly to them, they simply don’t appreciate it.
Troll 3: Can’t help myself.
(The humans run across the hallway to a family room, where cursed children are playing marbles and destroying the furniture)
Cursed Children: No grown-ups! No curfew! No rules! Wheee!!!
Group (Except for Guest 4): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Guest 4: What a bunch of brats!
(The cursed children simultaneously stop, turn to stare at the guests, and open their mouths)
Cursed Children: Waaaaahhhh!!!!
Friend 1: Oh no, crying children, my worst nightmare!
(The group run out of the room and are stymied by the arrows pointing in two directions, one set up the staircase and one set toward the open basement door)
Friend 1: Wanna split up?
Guest 1: Are you kidding?! We’ll never be seen again!
Friend 1: How about we do the basement first and upstairs after?
Guest 1: Are you kidding?! I don’t even do regular basements!
Guest 2: Wimp!
(Ominous banging and moans are heard from below)
Friend 1: Maybe we should take a vote.
Guest 1: Are you kidding?!
(A nearby speaker on the wall crackles)
Speaker: Keep moving, folks! Don’t make us come in there and kick you all out!
Guest 3: Was that a ghost?
Guest 4: Nah, probably just the lazy witch again.
Friend 1: Executive decision! (Runs full speed ahead down the basement stairs while the others stand and stare; within a minute, Friend 1 runs back up the stairs and slams the door shut, out of breath with an ashen face)
Friend 2: What was down there?
Friend 1: Bothing – noring – I mean bothering – let’s go upstairs! (Runs up the stairs to the second floor)
(After hesitating a moment, the others run upstairs and they all follow the arrows to the master bedroom; upon opening the door, they see several vampires surrounding a pal drinking from a steaming goblet)
Vampires: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
(The group quietly closes the door and proceeds as a clump to the attic stairs)
Friend 1: Maybe the twist’ll be it’s just bats up there.
Friend 2: Not another word out of you.
(They creak up the stairs slowly; at the top, they see a variety of monsters gathered around a table that has a boatload of candles – a decaying ghoul is attempting to blow them all out. Guest 1 points a shaking hand at an overhead banner that reads “HAPPY 4,287,633,815,990TH BIRTHDAY!!!!” After blowing out all the candles, the Birthday Ghoul is given a wrapped present by a banshee)
Birthday Ghoul: Aw, you guys, this really is too much!
Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Think we can ask for a piece of cake?
Friend 2: I doubt it’s meant for our digestive systems.
(Guest 2 is tapped on the shoulder and turns to see a smiling demon)
Demon: Howdy, sinner – you can come with me now.
Guest 2: (Steadily increasing in pitch) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – ?????!!!!!!
Guest 1: Oh go on – don’t wimp out on me!
(A human wearing a shirt that reads “SECURITY” bounds up the attic stairs and quickly squirts the demon with a spray bottle that has a cross printed on the label)
Demon: (Wiping face) Ow! Right in my eye!
Security: No souls here, how many times do we have to tell you?! (To Guest 2) You all right?
Guest 2: Whaaaaaa – ?!
Security: Good. (Turns and heads back downstairs) You all have less than five minutes on the clock so exit the farmhouse immediately when you’re back on the first floor.
(The group starts to run downstairs; Friend 1 peaks back into the attic)
Friend 1: Happy Birthday!
Birthday Ghoul: (Waves the unwrapped present, which is a hand-knit shawl) Thank you!
(Friend 2 yanks Friend 1 down the attic stairs, and the group huddles together to run down the main stairs and head to the back door. Before they reach it, a zombie hand pops up from the broken floorboards in front of them)
Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Zombie: (Crawls up out of the floor and stands while brushing off dirt; small limbs also fall off) Am I too late? Are you all on your way out? (They nod in terror) Darnit – I snuck away for a quick break after the last group and lost track of the time. Still, guess it won’t be a total loss. (Clears throat and straightens up) Brains?
Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Zombie: (Takes a tally sheet out of a rotting pocket and makes a mark on it) Good, good – at this rate I’ll reach my quota by 11:00.
Group: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zombie: Oh sorry, you can go now.
(The zombie steps aside and the group run out the back door, screaming all the way. A figure suddenly blocks their path and they stop running but continue screaming)
Property Owner: Hiya, folks! (They stop screaming) Thanks for visiting my Real Haunted House tonight, where everything you came across in there is an ab-so-lutely, 100%, genuine spook, straight from the afterlife! Would you mind taking an exit survey about your experience? (Guests 1-4 resume screaming and run into the corn maze) Typical reaction. (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) You two interested?
Friend 1: We get paid for it?
Property Owner: Free admission for another tour through the farmhouse – outhouse included this time.
Friend 2: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Friend 1: This one’s easily spooked. (Is faced with grinding teeth)
Property Owner: Maybe I’ll catch you folks later. (Heads back to a trailer to continue watching the house’s security cameras while eating popcorn and laughing)
Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1) How do you keep finding these places?!
Friend 1: (Watching the lazy witch fly a motorized broom artfully across the full moon) Just lucky, I guess.
