Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Story 383: When Hiking, Know Your Way

 (Friend 1 drives with Friend 2 to a state park on a sunny Sunday morning)

Friend 1: You’re gonna love it: woods, streams, swamps, rocks and tree roots to trip over, steep paths that are nearly vertical – it’s a great workout.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll try it out but I’m warning you now, I may not be able to keep up if the trail gets too… challenging.

Friend 1: No worries!  I knew you weren’t ready for the – ahem – experienced black diamond trail yet, so I’m taking you on the wimpy green circle one instead.

Friend 2: Gee, thanks, you’re a pal.

Friend 1: (Slams on the brakes at the parking lot entrance) What is this?!

Friend 2: What, is it closed?

Friend 1: Don’t sound so eager – (Points to a sign) they’re making the hikers park all the way over at the lake today!  Guess this tiny-tiny lot can’t handle all the people who’re suddenly coming here on the weekend.  (Cars behind them blast their horns) All right, all right, you’d’ve stopped too if you were the one who was first!  (Speeds through several winding roads to reach the lake parking lot)

Friend 2: So, what, we just loop around to the back end of the trail from here?

Friend 1: (As they park and then exit the car) I guess; I don’t know, I’ve never had to park here to get on the trails before, I’m all discombobulated!

Friend 2: Calm down; what does the map say?

Friend 1: Huh?  Oh right.  (Whips out a park map and turns it around several times) The lake’s here, so we’re here – no, we’re facing it from here, but the playground is on our right, but on here it looks like it’s on our left – (Keeps turning the map around until Friend 2 snatches it)

Friend 2: Well, a trail starts on the other side of the lake, so we probably should follow those people heading over there on the right and see if we can pick it up from that point.

Friend 1: (Snatches the map back and studies it some more) Never follow some randos on a hike: they’re never going where you want to be, and they leave their litter and unleashed dogs just everywhere.

Friend 2: Now you know that’s not true –

Friend 1: AHA!  (Draws a finger around the lake on the map) If we go that way on the left, it’ll loop around to the trail no problem!  Let’s go.  (Strides purposefully to loop around the left side of the lake)

Friend 2: (Stares wistfully at the scattered groups of people on the right side of the lake, then mutters while following Friend 1) Can always turn around....

(They walk on the path for a few minutes until they reach a picnic area)

Friend 1: (Looks at the map) Hm, this must be new; the only picnic area this is showing around here should either be behind us or on the other side.

Friend 2: (Points at an icon) Is it that site way over there?

Friend 1: No, that’s too far away – we’re over here.  (Points to a different spot)

Friend 2: (Looks at the lake and cars passing by on a nearby road, then points at the map again) Seems like we’re more over here and the trail we want starts way over there –

Friend 1: No sense of direction – onward we go!  (Starts ascending a steep and craggy hill)

Friend 2: You sure about that?  Doesn’t seem like that’s an official path.

Friend 1: Get used to it, `cause there’re tons like this all over – it’s called Nature.

Friend 2: Whatever.

Friend 1: Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by that.  And as long as we have the lake in sight, were on the right track, trust me!  Trailhead should be here any minute!

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: We’re circling around the other side of the lake now, you know.

Friend 1: (Looks out at the lake, back at their progress, down at the map, turning it on its side, then back at the lake again) Yep: trailhead should be here any minute!

Friend 2: <Sigh>

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: (At the top of a root-riddled hill that Friend 1 had leapt down) I’m not certain this is an actual path meant for human beings!

Friend 1: Oh come on, how else are we supposed to get to the trailhead?!  The rangers obviously cleared it for use, look!  (Sweeps arm above the dirt trail)

Friend 2: For goat use, maybe!  And I’m starting to get tired – I don’t think I can get down there without injury.

Friend 1: Fine, if you can’t jump it just hold onto the tree and scootch your way down!  Either way, we are not turning around and going back the way we came, do you hear me?!

Friend 2: Unfortunately yes.  And you can call 911 when I break something.  (Gingerly steps and slips down the hill while holding onto tree trunks)

Friend 1: There: that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Friend 2: I almost fell three times!

Friend 1: The balance comes with practice.

(They continue around the other side of the lake and emerge into a sandy clearing: from there, they see other hikers who are coming from the parking lot go around the right side of the lake to where a set of stairs lead into the woods.  Friend 1 follows them to a large display that features a map and holds the paper map up against that)

Friend 1: Oh, I see!  We were parked closer to the other side of the lake, so we should’ve come up this way instead and taken those stairs to a cut-through to the trailhead!  (Friend 2 grabs the paper map and whacks Friend 1 with it) I deserve that.

(They continue along the cut-through path, Friend 2 getting slower and slower)

Friend 1: (Breathes deeply) Ah, the wetlands air is so invigorating!

Friend 2: (Stops to drink mightily from a water bottle) It’s having the opposite effect on me at the moment.

Friend 1: (Places an arm around Friend 2’s shoulders) Isn’t this great, though?  The sense of adventure, without any of the risk of having to blaze a trail ourselves?  Ooh, watch your step.

(Friend 2 almost drops several feet as the elevation abruptly shifts again)

Friend 2: I thought you said this was the wimpy trail?!

Friend 1: It will be: this is just a cut-through to get to it from the lake side.  Looks pretty new, too – I think my map may be a bit out-of-date.

Friend 2: <Grinds teeth>

(They finally arrive at another large wooden display)

Friend 1: Yes!  Success!

Friend 2: (Drooping and gasping for air) What is it?  Did we reach the parking lot again?

Friend 1: Don’t be silly, that’s in the completely opposite direction!  (Spreads arms wide towards the display) This is it!

Friend 2: “It?”

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) The trailhead!  We made it, at last!  Our hike can finally begin!  (Friend 2 slumps over to a nearby bench and tips forward to lie down on it; Friend 1 lowers arms and turns back to the display) Right: give you a minute.

Story 382: What Was Lost Will Be Found – After You’ve Replaced It

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, The Little Plastic Card waited until The Human was distracted just enough, and one day saw its chance at last.

“Yippee!”  The Little Plastic Card cried for joy while hopping out of The Wallet – the other Cards there rejoiced at their fellow’s good fortune.

“Hurray!” they cheered.  “Fly, my friend!”  “Don’t look back!”  “Take me with you!”

The Little Plastic Card, reveling in newfound freedom, took the time to rest in the dark space where it had alighted – it knew it had at least a day before The Human realized something was amiss(-ing).

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh….”  The Little Plastic Card enjoyed the smooth ride on the back seat floor mat as The Human obliviously commuted to and from work.

 TWO NIGHTS LATER

The Little Plastic Card had just curled up in a blanket on the back seat when The Gum Wrapper popped around the driver’s seat cushion.

“Hey,” it said as an intro.  “You might want to start thinking about relocating soon.”

“How’s that?”

“Word is The Human’s due to go food shopping tomorrow – that’s when you’re usually taken out to do your thing, right?”

“Oh no, that’s tomorrow already?  How could I’ve lost track of the time?”

“Understandable; they’re the ones obsessed with time, what do we need stuff like watches and calendars for?  So, you might wanna skedaddle outta here before then, `cause when The Human takes out The Wallet to pay and sees you’re gone this’ll be the first place they’ll start looking.”

The Little Plastic Card seriously reflected upon this bit of news.  “Thank you so much for the warning, my friend.  If I may ask, how did you come to find out about this?”

“I heard the other Cards in The Wallet talking today while I was still in the pants pocket.”

The Little Plastic Card planned throughout the night, and by the morning was ready: when The Human opened the driver’s side door and slid onto the seat, The Little Plastic Card quickly ducked between the feet and landed on the ground – the timing was perfect.

Watching the car drive away, The Little Plastic Card waited until that was out of sight before making its way to The Human’s townhouse.  The front door had just enough of a gap at the bottom for one as flat as The Little Plastic Card to slide through, and it did so with little effort.  Surveying the empty home, The Little Plastic Card felt that sense of satisfaction when faced with abundance and hardly knowing where to begin.

“The bathroom, I think – I’ve never seen it…. Ooh, somebody hasn’t swept the floor lately.”

 THREE DAYS LATER

 “Yeah, I know I should call the bank, but it’s not stolen, I just can’t find it!”  The Human was surrounded by an array of Stuff pulled out of the bedroom closet, frantically turning out pockets while talking on the phone.  “Well it didn’t just hop out of my wallet so it’s gotta be here somewhere!”

“Hee-hee-hee!”  The Little Plastic Card stealthily made its way from the bedroom to the living room as The Human shouted: “That was the first place I looked!”

“You know,” A Sock under the couch chimed in while The Little Plastic Card climbed up an arm cushion, “The Human’s gonna have to replace you soon, out of necessity.  I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened by now, quite frankly.”

“Good – I’m enjoying retirement!”  The Little Plastic Card bounced from pillow to pillow.

“If you change your mind though, and you’re found after the new card comes in, The Human’ll have been instructed to destroy you.”

The Little Plastic Card froze in mid-bounce: “Oh.  Maybe I should let myself be found now, you think?”

“Depends on what you want out of life.  Me, I’m happy here with the lint and the mites; it’s rather peaceful.  My other half at the time didn’t fare so well: tossed unceremoniously into the garbage can once my absence was noted.  I’ll wind up there one day too, as soon as under here’s actually cleaned, but I figure I’ve got years yet, and garbage’s not so bad.  Least I’ll be in one piece; you’ll be all cut up.”

“You make a good point.”  The Little Plastic Card pondered how best to proceed until The Human wandered into the room, still on the phone.

“Hi, I have an account there and need to replace my debit card – ”

The Little Plastic Card dove between the cushions.

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Around 2:30 a.m., The Human took out a kettle that had not been used in ages; on bringing it to the sink, a flash at the bottom caught the eye.  Holding the kettle higher in the air, The Human saw The Little Plastic Card affixed to the bottom.

“How on Earth – ?”

The Little Plastic Card separated itself from the kettle and scurried off to the laundry room: “Yippee!”

The Human stared after it, then back to the bottom of the kettle: “Huh, they were right: lack of sleep really does mess you up.”

Story 381: Bonding With a Stranger Over Pop Culture

 (At an anniversary dinner in a banquet hall, two couples and two singles are seated at that table during the lull between everyone arriving and the pasta course)

Guest 1: (To the others at the table) So, how do you all know the guests of honor?  We – (Gestures to Guest 2) used to play golf and mah-jongg with them, but once something major like knee surgery or moving out-of-state happens, these things just kind of drop off on their own, you know?

Guest 2: Yeah, that’s Life: things just happen.  Or stop happening, in this case.

Guest 3: Well, I used to work with both of them way back when, and then they got promoted and I got fired – the two events were unrelated, but they still invite me to all their stuff out of guilt for some reason.  I haven’t actually spoken to them outside of these things for over 20 years.

Guest 4: And I keep getting invited because we – (Gestures to Guest 3) were married; we divorced ages ago, but they don’t need to know that.

Guest 3: Least I could do: a free meal’s a free meal.

Guest 1: (To Guest 5 and Guest 6) And what about you two?

Guest 5: Distant cousin who didn’t make the cut for one of the family tables.

Guest 6: I met them once at my boss’s barbecue – I don’t even know how they got my address.

Guest 1: Oh.  Welcome.  (Servers deliver the pasta) Oh thank goodness – dig in!

(They all focus on the food and make it last as long as possible; the couples begin talking within their own units, while the singles continue on in silence.  Guest 5 cuts the pasta into miniscule pieces, and Guest 6 soon turns the old stand-by of playing on a cell phone)

Guest 6: (Scrolling through an article, grumbling) Aw no, someone posted spoilers already?  My night’s ruined.

Guest 5: (Maximizing the sauce) Everything OK?

Guest 6: (Distracted) Oh – yeah – just some show I watch; new episode’s on tonight and people already are posting spoilers.  It’s not even over yet; there’s still 20 minutes left.

Guest 5: Heh, is that Sword Slash?

Guest 6: (Perks up) Why, yes it is – you watch it?

Guest 5: Every week.  I’m gonna catch it after I get home from this, so please don’t tell me what everyone’s posting.

Guest 6: (Pockets the phone) Wouldn’t dream of it.  So, what do you think of the whole trapped-in-the-mountain storyline this season?

Guest 5: I’m on the fence about that: it’s an interesting change of pace, shake things up for the series –

Guest 6: Definitely after last season.

Guest 5: Oh yeah – those trolls?  The castle burning down for no good reason? The out-of-nowhere love triangle that nobody asked for?

Guest 6: Ugh, I hate love triangles.  Two people being mushy are bad enough and now we’ve got a third, adding their angst and drama?  Barf.

Guest 5: I know, it’s totally manufactured conflict and pads the runtime; take it out and we’d never miss it…. What was I saying earlier?

Guest 6: They’re all trapped in the mountain now.

Guest 5: Right – yes, good shake-up for the series, but after five episodes it’s getting a bit old, don’t you think?

Guest 6: Oh yeah, but they did have that whole issue with location filming so I can see why they had to keep the sets limited.

Guest 5: True, but still: how long can they all wander around the same bunch of tunnels and keep us interested?  I’m starting to feel the apathy creeping back in, and I used to be obsessed with this show two years ago.

Guest 6: Ah yes, The Golden Age when ---- ---- was still in the cast.  Too bad that one had to go off and make movies and be even more successful and whatever.

Guest 5: Speaking of, did you see their new movie?

Guest 6: (Servers deliver the main course, and Guest 5 and Guest 6 eat while talking) I did.  Not a fan.

Guest 5: Really?  I liked it, but it had its flaws.

Guest 6: I never thought I would use this term in my life, but I found the whole thing a bit bombastic.

Guest 5: Ouch.  I guess you could call it that.

Guest 6: Don’t get me wrong: acting was decent, writing was… passable, but the directing?  So.  Much.  Everything!

Guest 5: Oh yeah, my face was stuck in a cringe for the last hour, and I was sitting next to one of the speakers in the theater so that didn’t help.  Did they really need to show that many supernovas?  And I’m pretty sure there’s no sound in space, so why did we have to hear them all go “boom”?

Guest 6: I know.  The soundtrack was phenomenal, though; I actually bought it and it’s great to hear the music when it’s not overlaid by all the explosions and screams.

Guest 5: Ooh, I’ll have to check that out, thanks!

Guest 6: Sure.  I was surprised ---- did a song on it, during that one quiet scene by the neutron star.

Guest 5:  Really?  That was ----?  I love all their stuff, how could I’ve missed it?!

Guest 6: Easy to do: post-production added electromagnetic waves from stars over the vocals, I guess to emphasize how much in space we all were.  The soundtrack has just the vocals and the music, which usually bothers me when it’s changed from what was in the movie but in this case was an improvement.

Guest 5: I’ll have to get that album, then.  Did you get ----’s new one yet?

Guest 6: Yes, but it doesn’t have the movie song on it `cause of the rights or something.

Guest 5: Bummer; still, don’t you think the album’s amazing?

Guest 6: Sure do – listen to it all the time.  (Takes out the phone again)  Wanna listen to some of it now?

Guest 5: YES.

Guest 1: (Stands with Guests 2, 3, and 4) We’re all going to the buffet table for dessert – you two want some?

Guest 5: Nah, I’m good, thanks.

Guest 6: Yeah, we’re working on something here right now.  (Both lean closer to the phone to listen to the music)

Guest 1: (Mutters while heading to dessert) Weirdos.

(Later that night, Guest 5 greets parents while entering the house)

Guest 5: Hi!  I’m home!

Parent 1: Have a good time?  Or at least some good food?

Guest 5: Both!  I was at a table with a bunch of strangers, but I wound up talking to the one next to me about movies, and shows, and music – we pretty much liked all the same things, it was great!

Parent 2: How nice!  What was their name?

Guest 5: …Name?