Story 470: Avoiding Stress This Christmas Season by Avoiding This Christmas Season

“That’s it!  This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas!  And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”

“OK, Scrooge.”

“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis!  This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me!  Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people!  Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know!  Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”

“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”

“Stress!”

“Oh, you’re still going.”

“So much stress, and for what?!”

“Well, goodwill toward – ”

“No!  This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet!  A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”

“OK, go for it.”

“I – wait, seriously?”

“You seem to really need it, so do it.  You take care of you.”

“Oh.  I figured I’d get more pushback.”

“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”

 WEEK 1

“Hi!  So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”

“Nope!  Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”

“Oh.  We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”

“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”

 WEEK 2

“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”

“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”

“Oh.  It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”

“I refuse both the gift and the guilt.  I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”

“Wow.  I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”

“I did.”

 WEEK 3

“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide.  I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”

“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”

“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”

“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

 CHRISTMAS DAY

            “Hello?”

“Merry Christmas!  I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too!  Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”

“Great!  You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already.  So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet.  How does it feel?”

“…Kind of boring, actually.”

Story 469: The Benefits of Owning Your Mistakes

(In a large office)

Coworker 1: (Speaking to the computer monitor while addressing Coworker 2 at the next desk over) It’s great that we get two weeks’ vacation a year, but what if somebody takes them a full week at a time and just wants an extra day here and there to do absolutely nothing, or errands, and doesn’t want to use sick time in case they jinx themselves into getting sick and actually need those days?

Coworker 2: (Trying to solve a differential equation for a school project) Uhhhhh-huhhhhh….

Coworker 1: Just a few extra float days each year is all I’m saying; it’s not like we’re asking for sabbaticals or year-long parental leaves, although those also would be nice – (Reads an e-mail and suddenly chokes) Oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: (Half-looks over) “Oh” what?

Coworker 1: (Types and clicks the mouse frantically) Shoot – shoot – shoot – SHOOT – SHOOT – !

Coworker 2: (Fully looks over) Easy there, chum, you’re skirting the edges of acceptable language and volume.  What happened?

Coworker 1: (With an extremely wan face, turns to Coworker 2) Remember that memo I sent to I.T. last week telling them to turn off the thing for the thing?

Coworker 2: (Looks up briefly to think) …No.

Coworker 1: Well, I did, and they did, and I just now got an e-mail from somebody trying to access the thing, and I just now realized I shouldn’t have told them to turn off the thing because of a lot of people actually’ll still need it, and I also just now realized this is going to mess up so many other things company-wide if it hasn’t already, and I have no idea how to fix it because it can’t be undone, and what am I gonna do???!!!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs and resumes homework) Only thing you can do: own it.

Coworker 1: (Slumps in seat) Ohhhh, that’s going to hurt soooo muchhhh – but you’re saying I should `cause it’s the right thing to do, right?

Coworker 2: “Right thing to do” doesn’t factor into my equations.

Coworker 1: So… what does?

Coworker 2: (Turns back to Coworker 1) If this thing has had as big an impact on the company as you think it does, then there’s no getting out of it being traced back to you.  No amount of whining or groveling will save you from the inevitable backlash, so the only thing you can do now is get ahead of the whole mess and do a proverbial fall your proverbial sword.

Coworker 1: Sounds Shakespearean, but I never read any of that.

Coworker 2: Yeah.  Basically, fess up to what happened, take all responsibility for anything and everything that might have happened or possibly will happen, and report yourself to H.R. or Corporate or whatever.  Everyone will love you for your honesty and self-recrimination, and go out of their way not to punish you.

Coworker 1: (Sniffs back tears) Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Yep.  But you’ve got an extremely narrow window of opportunity to play this golden card, so I say if you’re gonna do it, do it now.

Coworker 1: (Thinks this over, nods, and stands) You’re right; I’m off to trip on my dagger, then!  (Runs to Manager’s office)

Coworker 2: (Briefly looks after Coworker 1) It’s fall on your – ah, forget it.  (Submits the solved problem and returns to working on a doctoral dissertation)

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (On the phone) I’m telling you, they’re getting weirder by the minute –

Coworker 1: (Bursts through the door) I DID IT!

Manager: Speaking of; gotta go.  (Hangs up the phone and stares calmly at Coworker 1) Have a seat.  (Coworker 1 sits decidedly) So, what’s up?

Coworker 1: I messed up big time, Boss!

Manager: Take it down a notch.

Coworker 1: Sorry – I ruined everything for everyone.

Manager: How’s that?

Coworker 1: I told I.T. to turn off the thing for the thing instead of leaving it alone `cause apparently a lot of people are still using the thing –

Manager: I’ll say: I need to use the thing myself later today.

Coworker 1: Well, it’s irrevocably turned off, I did it, and I ruined everything, it was me, all me!  (Lowers head to the desk and sobs hysterically)

Manager: Oh, you’re crying now.  Well, thank you for notifying me as soon as you found out; we’ll figure out how to deal with it, then.  (Starts typing on the computer) Now get out before I get angry.

Coworker 1: (Scurries back to Coworker 2) I’m going to cautious-optimistically say that your suggestion worked – how did you know?

Coworker 2: (Processing an experiment) Trial and error.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Anyway, so far I think I’m all right –

Coworker 3: (Passing by) Hey: heard you took the blame for having I.T. turn off the thing for the thing.

Coworker 1: Yes-I-did-it-all-it-was-me-from-the-very-beginning-I’m-so-sorrrryyy!!!

Coworker 3: OK; just wanted to say don’t worry about it, happens to us all, we’ll figure it out together, no matter what we’ve got your back.  (Lightly slaps said back and leaves)

Coworker 1: …Maybe I should mess up more often.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In a conference room before a presentation)

Coworker 4: (Standing at a computer terminal) All right, who forgot to update the slides with this quarter’s data?!

Coworker 1: (Raises hand wildly) Ooh, ooh, me, it was my turn and I completely forgot, and now I ruined everything for our group, I’m so sorry!!

Coworker 4: OK, calm down, I’ll tell them we’ll send the data later.  Respect your honesty; it takes a lot of guts not to worm your way out of this one.

Coworker 1: (Leans back in chair and folds hands behind head) Yes.  Yes it does.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In the office common area, a group of coworkers meet in a circle)

Coworker 5: Now I know somebody here dropped the ball in not following policy, and we’re all going to get cited for it even though the rest of us didn’t do it, and I’m so mad I could spit!

Coworker 1: It was me!  I dropped the ball that’ll get all of us in trouble!  I can’t bear my mistake-riddled self; I never do anything right!  (Hunches over, weeping)

Coworker 5: (Pats Coworker 1’s shoulder) Hey, it’s OK, we can work around this, it’s not as bad as I thought at first.  You all right, buddy?

Coworker 1: (Straightens up immediately, dry-eyed) I’ll manage.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(Coworker 6 approaches Coworkers 1’s desk)

Coworker 6: Hey: without this one piece to the project, the whole thing’s gonna fall apart!  What happened?!

Coworker 1: (Has feet propped up on the desk and is snacking on popcorn) Oh, I completely forgot to enter that in; no excuse; I embrace all responsibility for that oversight; please do forgive my egregious error.

Coworker 6: Well, I appreciate that; I’ll try to figure out how to fix this, then.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) So, it seems by doing everything wrong lately, I can do no wrong lately.

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the computer screen) Does it now.

Manager: (Passing by, to Coworker 1) Yeah, you’re fired.

Coworker 1: (Drops feet back to the ground and spills the popcorn) Huh?!

Manager: You’ve been doing nothing but mistakes lately, and who needs that?  Get your error-prone self out of here.  (Leaves)

(Coworker 1 stares at Coworker 2 in accusatory shock)

Coworker 2: (Preparing to give a commencement speech at a virtual graduation ceremony; to Coworker 1) Never overplay the golden card: it stops working at a certain point.

Story 468: Don’t Let People Live Rent-Free in Your Head

(Inside a human consciousness, Ego paces the area, Super-Ego sits calmly reviewing the day, and Id bounces around all over the place)

Ego: (Stops pacing for a bit) Well, we’re home now; that’s the important thing, right?

Super-Ego: Yes, safety is always priority.  As days go, I admit this one was pretty bad, but just remember it also could have been worse.

Ego: I know, you’re right.  It also could have been better, though.

Id: (Bounces over to the other two) Ice cream!  Ice cream always makes things better!

Super-Ego: No, Id!  We haven’t even had dinner yet!

Ego: (To Id) Maybe later.

Id: Yesssss!!!!! (Goes back to bouncing off the imaginary walls)

Ego: (Goes back to pacing) I just can’t stop replaying everything over and over.

Super-Ego: (Sighs) Please don’t, we’ll never get any sleep tonight.  Again.

Ego: I can’t help it – (Almost crashes into a casually seated figure who was not there before) Whoa, who the blazes are you?!

Figure 1: Oh hey, I’m the one who cut you off in traffic this morning.

Ego: Huh?

Figure 1: You know, the one who passed you on the right and insisted on getting in front of you even though you clearly had the right-of-way and tried so hard to stay ahead but I sped ahead and cut you off anyway?

Id: (Lands in front of Figure 1) I remember you!  (To the other two) Let’s get `em!

Super-Ego: Everyone just calm down –

Figure 1: (Miming driving) Wanna relive it?  I can yell out the window and take off your front fender for real this time if you’d like.

Ego: (Turns away) Not listening, not listening – (Almost crashes into Figure 2, who is standing directly in the way) Whoa! What now?!

Figure 2: Hey there, enemy coworker here – wanna keep going with that fight we started earlier today?

            Ego: Ummm….

Figure 2: I’ll even let you get in all those good comebacks you thought of hours after the fact, too.

Id: (Zooms in-between the two) Yes!  Here’s one: Your momma’s so –

Super-Ego: (Pushes aside Id) Still unhelpful!

Ego: You’re right, what am I doing?  Nothing I say here will change what really happened!

Figure 2: Or that you lost.  Would you like it if I let you win this time?

Super-Ego: No!

Ego: Well….

Super-Ego: No!  Stop fueling this!

Ego: I’m not fueling anything!

Super-Ego: Yes you are, you’re letting them still have power over us by allowing them to basically live rent-free in our head and take up all our energy!

Ego: …Would it help if we charged them rent?

Super-Ego: Argh!

Figure 1: (Steers over to the others) I’m just gonna go ahead and cut you off again while we’re on the subject.

Figure 2: We’re not!  We have a fight to re-fight and I’ve got even nastier things to say this time!

Ego: (Covers ears and closes eyes) Stop, everyone just stop!

Figure 3: (Coming in through an open window) Yoo-hoo!

(The others turn as one)

Others: Who the blazes are you?!

Figure 3: Oh, you remember me: I’m that grammar school teacher who said your final project was awful and you wouldn’t have much of a future in anything so you might as well not even bother with anything!  You kept thinking about me all day, after the near-accident and the work-fight and especially since you’re so much of a failure now – (Id pushes Figure 3 out the window) Heyyyyyy!!

Id: (Slams the window shut and turns back to the others) Don’t forget: that one was fired the following year for being all-around awful.

Ego: Great, but what about these two?  (Gestures to Figure 1 and Figure 2)

Super-Ego: Just ignore them.

Ego: Easier said than done.

Super-Ego: Then it’s eviction time!  (Waves the other two out of existence)

Figure 1 and Figure 2: Heyyyyyy!!  (Vanish)

Ego: Where’d they – ?

Super-Ego: I made an executive decision to wipe them out, and I will continue to do so every time they show up.  (Closes curtains on the window as there is a crowd of figures from throughout the day trying to get in) Now: either use those experiences to learn how to deal with situations better or move on, but they are not spending another moment here on an endlessly repeating loop, you hear me?!

Ego: (Mumbles) Yes.

Super-Ego: Good.  So, for tonight, we’re going to have dinner, go for a walk, and then end with spending hours watching our favorite show until we fall asleep even though that’s not so great for our eyes or our brain, all right?

Ego: Yeah, OK.

Id: (Zooms in) And ice cream?  With lots and lots of chocolate? 

Super-Ego: Sure – we’ve earned it.