Story 468: Don’t Let People Live Rent-Free in Your Head

(Inside a human consciousness, Ego paces the area, Super-Ego sits calmly reviewing the day, and Id bounces around all over the place)

Ego: (Stops pacing for a bit) Well, we’re home now; that’s the important thing, right?

Super-Ego: Yes, safety is always priority.  As days go, I admit this one was pretty bad, but just remember it also could have been worse.

Ego: I know, you’re right.  It also could have been better, though.

Id: (Bounces over to the other two) Ice cream!  Ice cream always makes things better!

Super-Ego: No, Id!  We haven’t even had dinner yet!

Ego: (To Id) Maybe later.

Id: Yesssss!!!!! (Goes back to bouncing off the imaginary walls)

Ego: (Goes back to pacing) I just can’t stop replaying everything over and over.

Super-Ego: (Sighs) Please don’t, we’ll never get any sleep tonight.  Again.

Ego: I can’t help it – (Almost crashes into a casually seated figure who was not there before) Whoa, who the blazes are you?!

Figure 1: Oh hey, I’m the one who cut you off in traffic this morning.

Ego: Huh?

Figure 1: You know, the one who passed you on the right and insisted on getting in front of you even though you clearly had the right-of-way and tried so hard to stay ahead but I sped ahead and cut you off anyway?

Id: (Lands in front of Figure 1) I remember you!  (To the other two) Let’s get `em!

Super-Ego: Everyone just calm down –

Figure 1: (Miming driving) Wanna relive it?  I can yell out the window and take off your front fender for real this time if you’d like.

Ego: (Turns away) Not listening, not listening – (Almost crashes into Figure 2, who is standing directly in the way) Whoa! What now?!

Figure 2: Hey there, enemy coworker here – wanna keep going with that fight we started earlier today?

            Ego: Ummm….

Figure 2: I’ll even let you get in all those good comebacks you thought of hours after the fact, too.

Id: (Zooms in-between the two) Yes!  Here’s one: Your momma’s so –

Super-Ego: (Pushes aside Id) Still unhelpful!

Ego: You’re right, what am I doing?  Nothing I say here will change what really happened!

Figure 2: Or that you lost.  Would you like it if I let you win this time?

Super-Ego: No!

Ego: Well….

Super-Ego: No!  Stop fueling this!

Ego: I’m not fueling anything!

Super-Ego: Yes you are, you’re letting them still have power over us by allowing them to basically live rent-free in our head and take up all our energy!

Ego: …Would it help if we charged them rent?

Super-Ego: Argh!

Figure 1: (Steers over to the others) I’m just gonna go ahead and cut you off again while we’re on the subject.

Figure 2: We’re not!  We have a fight to re-fight and I’ve got even nastier things to say this time!

Ego: (Covers ears and closes eyes) Stop, everyone just stop!

Figure 3: (Coming in through an open window) Yoo-hoo!

(The others turn as one)

Others: Who the blazes are you?!

Figure 3: Oh, you remember me: I’m that grammar school teacher who said your final project was awful and you wouldn’t have much of a future in anything so you might as well not even bother with anything!  You kept thinking about me all day, after the near-accident and the work-fight and especially since you’re so much of a failure now – (Id pushes Figure 3 out the window) Heyyyyyy!!

Id: (Slams the window shut and turns back to the others) Don’t forget: that one was fired the following year for being all-around awful.

Ego: Great, but what about these two?  (Gestures to Figure 1 and Figure 2)

Super-Ego: Just ignore them.

Ego: Easier said than done.

Super-Ego: Then it’s eviction time!  (Waves the other two out of existence)

Figure 1 and Figure 2: Heyyyyyy!!  (Vanish)

Ego: Where’d they – ?

Super-Ego: I made an executive decision to wipe them out, and I will continue to do so every time they show up.  (Closes curtains on the window as there is a crowd of figures from throughout the day trying to get in) Now: either use those experiences to learn how to deal with situations better or move on, but they are not spending another moment here on an endlessly repeating loop, you hear me?!

Ego: (Mumbles) Yes.

Super-Ego: Good.  So, for tonight, we’re going to have dinner, go for a walk, and then end with spending hours watching our favorite show until we fall asleep even though that’s not so great for our eyes or our brain, all right?

Ego: Yeah, OK.

Id: (Zooms in) And ice cream?  With lots and lots of chocolate? 

Super-Ego: Sure – we’ve earned it.                                                                  

Story 467: Trying to Get to Thanksgiving

(At a Thanksgiving family gathering, relatives prepare the food, set the table, watch and yell at the football game, and take a pre-nap nap in the early afternoon when the house phone unexpectedly rings)

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses in basting the turkey to pick up the phone) This’d better be important.

 Relative 2: (Driving extremely slowly in bumper-to-bumper traffic on city streets) Happy Thanksgiving!  Can you hear me?!

Relative 1: (Moves on to stirring cranberry sauce on the stove) Happy Thanksgiving to you, too – and of course I can hear you, stop yelling.

Relative 2: (Lowers voice slightly) Sorry – it’s just that I’ve been in this massive traffic jam for what feels like days and everyone around me seems to’ve discovered their car horns and are forming a band with them as we speak.  You’re probably getting ready for dinner right about now –

Relative 1: (Chuckles while swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) Honey, we’ve been getting ready for dinner for the past two weeks.

Relative 2: Yeah – I’m gonna be a little late.

Relative 1: Define “little.”

Relative 2: Ummm…. (Peers through the windshield to read an upcoming sign) I’ll be crossing the state line in 20 miles.

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses again while spooning mashed potatoes into a large bowl) You’ve got another hour drive here after that, and that’s when there’s no traffic.

Relative 2: Yeah….

Relative 1: What time did you leave this morning?

Relative 2: More like this afternoon.

Relative 1: On Thanksgiving?!  Knowing that the entire country is out on all the roads at exactly the same time?!  What were you thinking?!

Relative 2: (Sheepishly) I’m thinking… start without me?

Relative 1: (Gives a noise of disgust while rapidly stirring a bean salad) We’ll save you a plate!  (Hangs up the phone with one hand while stirring with the other, then sticks head out of the kitchen into the dining room) Take away the place setting on the far left end – we’ve got a late one!

Relative 3: Ooh, does this mean I can finally graduate from the kiddie table this year?

Relative 1: No!  It means more room for us!

Relative 3: Shucks.  (Takes away the place setting)

Relative 1: (Returns to the kitchen momentarily, then sticks out head again) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dinner!

Relative 4: (Also in the kitchen) But the potato pie’s still got another 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Back in the kitchen) It’ll take them 20 minutes to actually sit down.

Relative 4: Good point – I’ll keep stirring the gravy.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The dishes have been cleaned, leftovers have been sorted, tables have been wiped down, desserts and drinks are being staged for deployment, more football is being watched and yelled at, and naptime resumes scattered throughout the house)

Relative 5: (Cracking walnuts at the dining room table while addressing Relative 6 sitting opposite) Look, I’m gonna tell you something I wish someone had told me decades ago: Life is a series of dreams being crushed, with the biggest blow being the realization that you shouldn’t’ve had them to begin with.  [CRACK!] You’ll have an advantage over your peers now.  (Relative 6, a 5-year-old child, sits there with mouth agape)

Relative 1: (Sticks head into the dining room while drying a large platter in order to address Relative 5) Hey!  Help me in the kitchen!

Relative 5: You guys kicked me out of the kitchen!

Relative 1: And now you’re bothering your cousin, so get in here and bring out the pumpkin pie!

Relative 5: (Tosses a cracked walnut to Relative 6, who catches it with a whimper, then saunters over to the kitchen) I’m not bothering; I’m dispensing life lessons.  (The house phone rings)

Relative 1: (Scooping coffee grounds madly) Dispense them over the phone, then!

Relative 5: (Sighs, then picks up the receiver) Hello, not my house, just answering.

Relative 2: (Stopped in the middle of a five-lane road, surrounded by motor vehicles of all sorts; in the background, the sun is almost set) Whichever blood relation or in-law this is, could you turn on Channel 4 and tell me what the BLAZES is going on out on the parkway, please?!

Relative 5: (Saunters over to the living room) Oh hey, still stuck in traffic?

Relative 2: …Clearly!

Relative 5: Why don’t you just use your phone’s GPS to see if it’s an accident or something?

Relative 2: I have not moved from this spot for an hour and a half – I turned off navigation `cause it was draining the phone’s battery!

Relative 5: Use the car charger, then.

Relative 2: I turned off the engine!  And that’d just drain the car’s battery! 

Relative 5: Right.  (Grabs the remote control, waits for a commercial on the TV, then changes the channel)

Relatives 7-13: (Watching the TV) Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 5: Two seconds; just need the traffic.

Relative 2: They should be showing something on the news: there are helicopters everywhere, and I am this close to begging them to air lift me out of here!

Relative 5: Heh, sounds fun – oh, here it is.  (Puts the phone on speaker)

TV Announcer: (Standing next to the parkway with an unending sea of cars and trucks) We’re live at the scene where there is an 112-vehicle pile-up –

Relatives 7-13: Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 2: WHAT?!

TV Announcer: – if at all possible, do not get on the parkway southbound, or any roads connected to it, for at least the next month.

Relative 2: (Sobs)

Relative 5: (Changes the channel back to the football game and tosses the remote control onto a chair) I have a question: you think you could maybe ditch the car and walk here?  It’s probably faster at this point.

Relative 2: (Sniffs) I wonder, maybe…?  No, it’d take me half a day just to get to the exit!  I’ll be trapped here forever surrounded by chaos and the never-ending sound of blaring horns, whatamIgonnadooooooo????!!!

Relative 1: (Emerges from the kitchen with pitchers of hot and cold drinks as other relatives finish bringing out the goodies) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dessert!

Relative 5: Ooh, gotta go.  (Disconnects the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and joins Relatives 7-13 in the rush from the living room)

(Relative 2 stares at the silent phone, sets it down gently on the passenger seat, watches the circling helicopters and fellow travelers setting up campfires and tents all over the place, and then reclines the seat all the way back to take a nap)

 THREE HOURS LATER

(Relative 1 is dozing in an armchair in front of the TV when there is a faint banging on the front door.  Suddenly waking up, Relative 1 then heads to the door, unlocks it, and sees Relative 2 standing on the front porch, hands held up at 10 and 2 o’clock)

Relative 1: Hi – (Yawns and waves Relative 2 inside) you made it!

Relative 2: (Stops just inside the vestibule as Relative 1 closes the door) Everyone else is gone; the food is gone; I, myself, am gone….

Relative 1: (Hugs Relative 2, gently pushing down the latter’s arms) I saved you a plate.

Relative 2: Thanks – that just about makes it all worth it.

Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.