Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.

Story 415: Reverse Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

 (While walking from the car to the condo unit, Resident checks a message on the phone that shows a package had been delivered; on arrival at the front door, it is seen that no package awaits.  Squinting closer at the photo of the delivery on the phone, realization dawns upon Resident)

Resident: Wait a minute – that is not my front door!  (Looks at own front door and back at the photo again to confirm) They delivered it to the wrong address!  Great, how am I ever gonna figure out which – (Recognizes the “Keep Out!” and similar signs posted on the door in the photo) oh it’s the next hallway over.

(Resident goes to the next hallway over, stares at the now-empty space where the package was delivered, and knocks on the door.  On the other side, a figure wearing a stereotypical pirate outfit opens it with one hand while holding an umbrella drink in the other; a large group of similarly-dressed colleagues are assembled in the living room, partying with DJ’d music)

Captain: (To Resident) Ahoy, matey – who be ye?

Resident: Hi, I’m your neighbor from the next hallway over –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I had a package delivered today –

Captain: Aye?

Resident: – and I think it was delivered here by mistake.

Captain: Aye.

Resident: …Well?

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Was it delivered here?

Captain: Aye.  `Twas.  (Reaches over to a nearby table and holds up a pair of novelty socks) These be it?

Resident: Ah, yes, great!  (The two stare at each other for a few moments) Soooo….

Captain: Aye?

Resident: Could I have them back then?!

Captain: Nay.  (Tosses away the socks; they land on a dancing crew member)

Resident: What?!

First Mate: (Shouts from serving drinks at the bar stationed next to a lamp table) N – A – Y; means “No.”

Resident: I know what “Nay” means!  (Back to Captain) Why not?!

Captain: You see, young me-hearty, me and me crew here have recently retired from plunderin’ the high seas, so now rather than us goin’ to get the booty, we take the booty that be comin’ to us, you savvy?

Dancing Crew: Savvyyyyyy!!!!

Resident: Well, no, that’s not right – it was clearly addressed to me!

Captain: Ah, but in cases such as these, possession be 10/10ths of the law.

Dancing Crew: Yarrrrr!!!

Resident: (Holds up the phone with the screen facing Captain) But the courier who messed this up sent me a picture of it, so you’ve gotta give it back `cause the courts’ll side with me anyway!

Captain: (Downs the rest of the umbrella drink, smashes the glass onto a nearby wall, and draws a cutlass to point at Resident) What need we of courts when this can be settled as true buccaneers of the seven seas, eh, matey?

Dancing Crew: Arrrrr!!!

Captain: Aye.

Dancing Crew: Ayyyyye!!!

Resident: I’m not fighting you!

Captain: Aha!  Ye be a coward, then!

Resident: I be – I mean, I’m not getting into a knife fight over a pair of socks!

Captain: How dare ye!  This be a cutlass!  (Shakes said cutlass in Resident’s face)  It can slice a grapefruit in perfect twain and yet leave the pulp entirely intact with nary a drop spilt – let us see a piddlin’ knife do that, I ask ye!

Resident: Whatever: I’ll just call the cops on you for theft of property and threat of dismemberment.  (Starts dialing)

Captain: What about yer sense of honor?!

First Mate: (Shouts from the bar) But Captain, we have none.

Captain: Stow yer blowhole!

Resident: (On the phone) Yes, I’ll hold.  (To Captain) Everywhere you call lately, they put you on hold immediately.

Captain: We’ll be havin’ none of yer first world problems around here, matey!  (Uses the cutlass to pick up the socks from where they had been dumped onto the couch at some point and flings them at Resident, who fumblingly catches them) That booty was acquired fair and square, but in the spirit of high adventure, we gift them back to ye.  (Bows graciously)

Resident: (Disconnects the call and shakes the socks at Captain) That’s all you had to do from the beginning.  (Starts to leave when Captain holds out the cutlass to block the path)

Captain: (Leans in toward Resident) Next time, matey, we be keepin’ the spoils.  Permanently.

Dancing Crew: Huzzah!

Captain: (Turns back to Crew) Another round!  Me throat’s extremely parched with all this negotiatin`!

Dancing Crew: Ayyyye!!!!

(Captain slams the door and the dance music is raised to even higher decibels)

Resident: (Walks back to the other hallway while shaking head in disbelief, looks down at the socks, holds them out, and stops) I don’t believe it – they shipped me the wrong size!

Story 349: Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

(In a condo development, Resident checks e-mail on a phone while walking to the unit and sees a message stating “Your package has been delivered!” above a photo of the Resident’s front door with a small box on the ground in front of it.  Resident smiles, continues walking to the unit, then stops at the front door.  Resident stares at the empty space on the ground in front of the door, then at the photo on the phone, then back at the empty space, several times)

Resident: (To Neighbor walking by with a bicycle) Hey – did you see a package sitting here earlier today?

Neighbor: Oh yeah, I saw it when I got home around 3:00.  (Looks down at the empty space) I’m guessing you’re not the one who made it disappear.

Resident: No!  I just got home!

Neighbor: Well that stinks.  Looks like a porch pirate got to it first.

Resident: A what?

Neighbor: Porch pirate.  Steals people’s packages after they’re dropped off on the porch.

Resident: We don’t have porches!

Neighbor: Same principle applies.  They lie in wait for the opportunity to strike, and since they’re so fast and appear so casual and usually no one’s around, there’s almost 0% chance of them getting caught.  If you have a silent witness, though, that’d help.

Resident: What, you mean a dog?

Neighbor: Nah, a dog’d be mostly useless, unless you want assault charges.  I’m talking about one of those.  (Points to another unit’s doorbell camera) And even then tracking the thief’s tricky, unless they look right into the lens and hold up a sign with their name on it.

Resident: I guess, but it’s a moot point now, I’m still just as robbed!

Neighbor: Company’ll ship you a replacement whatever-it-was, I bet.

Resident: That’ll get stolen, too!

Neighbor: Hm.  Get a P.O. box, then?  Or just never have anything delivered again.  Bottom line: there’s no surefire way to stop porch pirates, so you just have to work around them.  (Hops onto the bicycle and rings the bell while gliding away)

Resident: Says who?!  (Unlocks the door and fumes into the living room, flopping onto the couch while muttering) “Porch pirates” – who do they think they are, taking people’s stuff and ruining our lives and the economy?  (Drifts into a doze)

           (A massive galleon sails into the parking lot of the condo development: 16^th-century dressed pirates hold onto various ropes and sails while shaking their swords in the air and yelling “Arrrrrrr!!!”  The ship sails up to Resident’s front door, where a package sits on the ground; the pirate perched off the ship’s bow leans down and snatches up the box)

            Pirate: Yoink!

            Crew: Huzzah!

           (They continue to shake their swords and yell as the ship sails down the middle of a residential street, then stops and drops anchor on top of a parked car.  The Captain (who looks like Resident) addresses the crew from the helm)

            Captain: Ahoy there, mateys!

            Crew: Ahoy, Cap’n!

           Captain: This be another fine day of plunderin’ ahead o’ we, the crew of the mightiest pirate ship in all the seven seas, The Rotten Cheapskates!

            Crew: Yaaaahhh!!!  (Swords shake in the air)

         Captain: Now, hear me, all ye: (All crouch down in a hush while Captain sweeps arms dramatically) the hour, be 3 o’ the clock; the residents, be still away at work; the ones not away, be glued to the boob tube, or in the midst of a well-deserved nap; the porches, be ours!

            Crew: Arrrr!!!!

           (Captain and Crew swing from ropes onto the street and rush to a house that has a large box sitting on the front porch)

            Captain: (Leading with a raised sword) There she blows!  Take yer prize, ye hard workers!

            Crew: Raaaaahhhh!!!!

            (They rush up the porch steps as a figure approaches (who looks like Neighbor), holding up a hand)

            Silent Witness: Halt, rapscallions!

            (Captain and Crew stumble to a stop on the steps; several fall off into the bushes)

            Captain: (Pointing with the sword) WHO BE YE??!!!

            Silent Witness: I am the Silent Witness!

            Captain: Not so silent right now.

         Silent Witness: Same principle applies.  I am the Protector of the Porch, Defender of the Domicile, Lover of Dogs –

            Captain: We be not afraid o’ ye!  We take what we want, and no piddlin’ peeper can stop we!

            First Mate: Us.

            Captain: Aye!

            Crew: Aye-aye!!!  (Swords shake in agreement)

          Silent Witness: Too true – I cannot stop you directly, but I can record your description and forward it to the authorities so you can be taken down by Justice.

            Captain: Gasp!  Not Justice!

            Crew: Booooooooo!!!!!

         Captain: (Shouts back to the ship) Bosun!  Change the name of the ship to The Innocent Schoolchildren!

           Boatswain: (Takes out a paint can and brush and leans over the side of the ship to paint the new name over the old one) Aye-aye, Cap’n!

            Captain: (Turns back to Silent Witness) There – that oughta do it.

            Silent Witness: It really won’t.

           Captain: Bilge rats and barnacles!  (Captain and Crew begin retreating backwards to the ship) Ye may have won this round, but we shall return and claim our treasure!

            Silent Witness: I’ll still be here.

Captain: Blasting cannonade!  (Hops back onto the bow and stands with sword raised as the ship lurches forward, nearly knocking off Boatswain who still is painting the new name on the side) Onward to new lands!  (There is a massive screeching sound behind the ship as it sails down the street) Would someone hoist the blinkin’ anchor?!  (Crew scramble to hoist the anchor as they turn down a different street) This is why we have processes in place, mateys!

            Crew: Apologies, Cap’n!

            (Captain stares through a telescope for several minutes, then points in the distance)

            Captain: There!  Off the port bow!  Follow that delivery truck!

            Crew: Aye-aye-arrrrr!!!!

           (They follow the truck until it stops in front of a house; Captain and Crew leap from the ship and are there as the courier returns from dropping off a package on the porch)

          Courier: (Stares at Captain and Crew, who are all smiling in friendship) Yeah, I’m out.  (Drives away)

            Captain: (Points to the package) All right, ye adorable scalawags: seize that there booty!

            Crew: Yaaaah!!!

            (They swarm the porch, then stumble to a stop when they see a figure sitting on a swing)

            Granny: (Knitting) Why, hello there.  Would you like some lemonade?

            Captain: (Looks around the porch entire) Common folk still sit out on these things?!

            (Resident suddenly wakes from the doze)

          Resident: Wow.  That was unexpectedly vivid.  (Stands, takes out the phone, and dials the company’s customer service number to report the theft, pausing to stare wistfully out the front window) I wish I had a porch.