Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.

Story 342: Get Your Very Own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            [Commercial]

           (Scenes of Customer standing in the middle of an empty parking lot, an empty stadium, and an empty beach)

            Voiceover: Life getting you down lately?

            (Scene of papers being sucked out of Customer’s hand and into a kitchen garbage disposal)

            Voiceover: Did months of work just get obliterated?

            (Scene of Customer sitting at an office desk, slumped on one hand, while a coworker screams in their ear)

          Voiceover: Was your day going just fine until that one person said something that ruined absolutely everything?

            (Flashing lights, bright colors, and text cross the screen)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, my friends – all your worries will vanish as if they had never been once you get your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            (Customer, now alone, still is slumped at the desk; the camera filter brightens as Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, wearing a superhero outfit, mask, cape, and “DTAIB” printed on the shirt, bounds onto the scene)

            Voiceover: Marvel as those never-ending negative thoughts are immediately vanquished!

          (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy grabs Customer by the shoulder and gives a slap across the face)

            Voiceover: Amaze as irreparable loss is rendered inconsequential!

            (Customer is leaning down to peer at the shreds of paper sticking out of the garbage disposal; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene and throws a glass of water in Customer’s face)

            Voiceover: Wonder as – hopefully – temporary setbacks are made tolerable by comparison!

          (Customer walks up to an empty local baseball field, grabs onto the chain-link fence, and sighs; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene; Customer turns and gets a cream pie in the face)

            Voiceover: You will be astounded!  Confounded!  Bemused!  Befuddled!  And 100% satisfied by the results!

          (Customer, face covered in cream pie, stands with Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who has hands on hips in hero pose; both are facing the camera)

            Customer: That’s great!  Tell me more!

            Voiceover: That’s pretty much it.

            Customer: Oh.

            Voiceover: But wait, there’s more!

            (Scenes of Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy at office meetings, family dinners, factory floors, and solo-occupant living rooms, pegging people with water balloons, smacking them upside the head, bodily tossing them onto a floor mattress, and tweaking their noses)

            Voiceover: And the best part is, Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy is on-call 24-7 for all your life-distraction needs!  Bonus package includes multiple visits for family parties, whenever we can have those to complain about again!  Special rates for those troublesome late-night musings!

            (Scene of Customer tossing and turning in a bed, then grabbing the clock to see it read “3:24 a.m.”; turns back onto the bed to see Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who pinches a nerve on Customer’s neck; Customer passes out)

            Voiceover: So don’t wait!  Call today at the number displayed on your screen – subject to change – (Changing phone number flashes at the bottom of the screen) or visit our Web site at www.dontthinkaboutitbuddyanddontsueus.com to order your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and never worry about anything long-term again!

            (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene in hero pose again)

            Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy: Remember, folks: only you – (Points to the camera) can end your own circular internal monologue!  By using me – (Points to self) to slap those pesky thoughts right out of your head!  Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, to the rescue!  (Lifts arms as a wire pulls Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy up and away)

        Voiceover: (Extremely fast speed) Warning-Don’t-Think-About-It-Buddy-only-provides-service-to-the-customer-on-the-bill-and-cannot-be-directed-to-provide-service-to-friends-or-enemies-if-you-change-your-mind-after-purchase-please-call-us-and-not-the-police.  (Regular speed) So don’t wait!  Call now for a Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and change your life today!