(At a Thanksgiving family gathering, relatives prepare the food, set the table, watch and yell at the football game, and take a pre-nap nap in the early afternoon when the house phone unexpectedly rings)
Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses in basting the turkey to pick up the phone) This’d better be important.
Relative 2: (Driving extremely slowly in bumper-to-bumper traffic on city streets) Happy Thanksgiving! Can you hear me?!
Relative 1: (Moves on to stirring cranberry sauce on the stove) Happy Thanksgiving to you, too – and of course I can hear you, stop yelling.
Relative 2: (Lowers voice slightly) Sorry – it’s just that I’ve been in this massive traffic jam for what feels like days and everyone around me seems to’ve discovered their car horns and are forming a band with them as we speak. You’re probably getting ready for dinner right about now –
Relative 1: (Chuckles while swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) Honey, we’ve been getting ready for dinner for the past two weeks.
Relative 2: Yeah – I’m gonna be a little late.
Relative 1: Define “little.”
Relative 2: Ummm…. (Peers through the windshield to read an upcoming sign) I’ll be crossing the state line in 20 miles.
Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses again while spooning mashed potatoes into a large bowl) You’ve got another hour drive here after that, and that’s when there’s no traffic.
Relative 2: Yeah….
Relative 1: What time did you leave this morning?
Relative 2: More like this afternoon.
Relative 1: On Thanksgiving?! Knowing that the entire country is out on all the roads at exactly the same time?! What were you thinking?!
Relative 2: (Sheepishly) I’m thinking… start without me?
Relative 1: (Gives a noise of disgust while rapidly stirring a bean salad) We’ll save you a plate! (Hangs up the phone with one hand while stirring with the other, then sticks head out of the kitchen into the dining room) Take away the place setting on the far left end – we’ve got a late one!
Relative 3: Ooh, does this mean I can finally graduate from the kiddie table this year?
Relative 1: No! It means more room for us!
Relative 3: Shucks. (Takes away the place setting)
Relative 1: (Returns to the kitchen momentarily, then sticks out head again) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dinner!
Relative 4: (Also in the kitchen) But the potato pie’s still got another 20 minutes.
Relative 1: (Back in the kitchen) It’ll take them 20 minutes to actually sit down.
Relative 4: Good point – I’ll keep stirring the gravy.
TWO HOURS LATER
(The dishes have been cleaned, leftovers have been sorted, tables have been wiped down, desserts and drinks are being staged for deployment, more football is being watched and yelled at, and naptime resumes scattered throughout the house)
Relative 5: (Cracking walnuts at the dining room table while addressing Relative 6 sitting opposite) Look, I’m gonna tell you something I wish someone had told me decades ago: Life is a series of dreams being crushed, with the biggest blow being the realization that you shouldn’t’ve had them to begin with. [CRACK!] You’ll have an advantage over your peers now. (Relative 6, a 5-year-old child, sits there with mouth agape)
Relative 1: (Sticks head into the dining room while drying a large platter in order to address Relative 5) Hey! Help me in the kitchen!
Relative 5: You guys kicked me out of the kitchen!
Relative 1: And now you’re bothering your cousin, so get in here and bring out the pumpkin pie!
Relative 5: (Tosses a cracked walnut to Relative 6, who catches it with a whimper, then saunters over to the kitchen) I’m not bothering; I’m dispensing life lessons. (The house phone rings)
Relative 1: (Scooping coffee grounds madly) Dispense them over the phone, then!
Relative 5: (Sighs, then picks up the receiver) Hello, not my house, just answering.
Relative 2: (Stopped in the middle of a five-lane road, surrounded by motor vehicles of all sorts; in the background, the sun is almost set) Whichever blood relation or in-law this is, could you turn on Channel 4 and tell me what the BLAZES is going on out on the parkway, please?!
Relative 5: (Saunters over to the living room) Oh hey, still stuck in traffic?
Relative 2: …Clearly!
Relative 5: Why don’t you just use your phone’s GPS to see if it’s an accident or something?
Relative 2: I have not moved from this spot for an hour and a half – I turned off navigation `cause it was draining the phone’s battery!
Relative 5: Use the car charger, then.
Relative 2: I turned off the engine! And that’d just drain the car’s battery!
Relative 5: Right. (Grabs the remote control, waits for a commercial on the TV, then changes the channel)
Relatives 7-13: (Watching the TV) Hey – ohhhh!!!
Relative 5: Two seconds; just need the traffic.
Relative 2: They should be showing something on the news: there are helicopters everywhere, and I am this close to begging them to air lift me out of here!
Relative 5: Heh, sounds fun – oh, here it is. (Puts the phone on speaker)
TV Announcer: (Standing next to the parkway with an unending sea of cars and trucks) We’re live at the scene where there is an 112-vehicle pile-up –
Relatives 7-13: Hey – ohhhh!!!
Relative 2: WHAT?!
TV Announcer: – if at all possible, do not get on the parkway southbound, or any roads connected to it, for at least the next month.
Relative 2: (Sobs)
Relative 5: (Changes the channel back to the football game and tosses the remote control onto a chair) I have a question: you think you could maybe ditch the car and walk here? It’s probably faster at this point.
Relative 2: (Sniffs) I wonder, maybe…? No, it’d take me half a day just to get to the exit! I’ll be trapped here forever surrounded by chaos and the never-ending sound of blaring horns, whatamIgonnadooooooo????!!!
Relative 1: (Emerges from the kitchen with pitchers of hot and cold drinks as other relatives finish bringing out the goodies) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dessert!
Relative 5: Ooh, gotta go. (Disconnects the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and joins Relatives 7-13 in the rush from the living room)
(Relative 2 stares at the silent phone, sets it down gently on the passenger seat, watches the circling helicopters and fellow travelers setting up campfires and tents all over the place, and then reclines the seat all the way back to take a nap)
THREE HOURS LATER
(Relative 1 is dozing in an armchair in front of the TV when there is a faint banging on the front door. Suddenly waking up, Relative 1 then heads to the door, unlocks it, and sees Relative 2 standing on the front porch, hands held up at 10 and 2 o’clock)
Relative 1: Hi – (Yawns and waves Relative 2 inside) you made it!
Relative 2: (Stops just inside the vestibule as Relative 1 closes the door) Everyone else is gone; the food is gone; I, myself, am gone….
Relative 1: (Hugs Relative 2, gently pushing down the latter’s arms) I saved you a plate.
Relative 2: Thanks – that just about makes it all worth it.
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