(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)
Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?
Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change. Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.
Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah. Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.
Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.
Manager: You’re telling me. (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?! (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.
Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)
Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No! Wait! I need to live vicariously through you some more! Take me with you – ! (Is cut off by the session ending)
Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.
(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference. Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)
Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?
Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back. (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?
Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.
Employee: OK, let me see. (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?
Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah. They got dibs. (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)
Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?
Coworker 1: Much better. You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.
Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.
Coworker 1: Don’t.
(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)
Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?! (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above. Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music. The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)
Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.
Employee: Hi! I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –
Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel. (Hands over a business card)
Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.
Resident 1: You new to working from home?
Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.
Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.
Employee: “No”?
Resident 1: No. (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.
Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)
Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel! (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)
(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music. Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)
Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please? Got someone at the door.
Coworker 2: Lunch?
Employee: No! Hold on. (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?
Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?
Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?
Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.
Employee: Stalk much?!
Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?
Employee: …What?!
Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.
Employee: It’s my signal!
Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!
Employee: I’m changing my password! (Slams the door shut)
Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?
Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!
Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go. (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)
Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!
Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.
Employee: Ah! Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back! (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies. The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!
Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?
Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!
Manager: What?
Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!
Manager: That stinks. Check your mail lately? They probably sent you a notice about this.
Employee: NO! AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?! THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!
Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm. Sounds rough.
(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)
Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there? I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!
Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?! BUZZ OFF!!!
Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude. (Stomps away)
Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?! PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?! WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!
Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –
Employee: I respectfully decline.
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